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Friday, July 3, 2015

THINKING OF REDECORATING? START WITH A NEW DOOR MAT

My last post "HOW TO ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY GUARANTEE A HAPPY MARRIAGE" did not run as scheduled yesterday.  I hope Blogger is running it today along with this one!!  (Or click below on "Older post")


In keeping with the theme of Wednesday's post
where I bet my son that I could write an amusing & interesting post 
about anything, I present, for your consideration,
door mats!!

Door mats are very versatile.  
They can convey almost any message you'd want.

They can welcome people to your home:


or not:




I'm not sure which of the two above categories
these would fit into:

They can compliment you:

or redirect you elsewhere:


They can issue warnings:


They can reprimand you:
They can give you handy instructions:










or even cover your ass:



Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door?
A. Mat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field. 

Ten years later, he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees the same snail sitting on the doormat. 

The snail says, ”What the heck was that all about?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t know if they’re still in business, but this company in Germany used to make “Toni, the Talking Mat”. You would record a message, slip the sensor foil under your doormat & the message would be played when someone stepped on it. Imagine your guest’s surprise when they heard "Stop!! Put your hands in the air and turn around sloooowly!!" or maybe "Look who's here!! Hide the silverware."









Happy 4th of July tomorrow!!



I think I used to be indecisive--now I'm not so sure----fishducky

 

















HOW TO ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY GUARANTEE A HAPPY MARRIAGE

This is being posted on Friday (I hope) because Blogger didn't run it on Thursday.  Also see my Friday's post!!


(Reworked from a June, 2012 post.)

I believe I have discovered the secret of a happy marriage!  What is it, you ask?  I’ll tell you.  It’s very simple.  The answer is MUSHROOMS.  Actually, not only mushrooms--that would be silly--but also olives (both green & black) & avocados.  You may ask, how can this be?  Bud & I have been married since February, 1955.  I have never cared for mushrooms (the taste is good but I HATE the consistency) & since he won’t eat olives or avocados, for over 60 years now any food offensive to one (but yummy to the other) automatically gets transferred to the other’s plate.  Don’t laugh—it works for us!


We still find each other (reasonably) attractive.  Perhaps that’s due to failing eyesight caused by old age.  We have both added a few pounds over the years.  My features are still good—but my face needs ironing. We both suffer from an advanced case of altakockeritis.  This is a disease that old Jews get that can’t be fully explained to those not of our faith.  (Think of it as a sort of mild form of Alzheimer’s.)  We share the belief that you know your relationship is solid when one of you can belch (or pass gas) & both of you can laugh.  Does this mean it’s true that love means never having to say you’re sorry?

                                                                           
I used to ask Bud, as a joke, “Are you still glad you married me?”   Depending on what had occurred prior to my asking, he would either smile & say, “Yes”, or moan & say sarcastically, “Oh, boy, am I EVER glad!”   For our 25th anniversary he gave me a charm which I wear on a neck chain.  It is one ounce of silver in the shape of an ingot.  On the front it says, “25” & on the back is “I’m glad”, my husband’s name & the date.  We went out to dinner with our family to celebrate our 50th anniversary.  I fully expected a gold version of the charm.  What I got instead was a cake he had ordered.  It was a loaf cake with yellow frosting, shaped like an ingot with a ring on one end to slip a “chain” through.  Written on the top was “I’m glad”.  I laughed & told him how clever I thought that was & asked him where my real gold one was.  He asked if I knew how much gold was selling for these days & said he wasn’t sure if I was still worth it.  I’m pretty sure he was kidding, but I’m still waiting for my gold ingot.


He did have this duck made for me several years ago.  It’s gold, with tiny sapphire eyes.  It looks just like me, don’t you think?  It even has its mouth open.
This is me.

This is my necklace.


                                              
                                     
Some people say that marriage is like a deck of cards.  All you need at the beginning is two hearts & a diamond.  By the end, you’re looking for a freaking club & a spade!  Then there’s the couple who were celebrating their 27th anniversary.  He gives her a beautiful bouquet of roses.  She looks at them & asks him why there are only 23 flowers.  He tells her there’s one for every good year of their marriage.  She smiles sweetly & tells him that she understands.  She then removes two roses from the bouquet & drops them in the wastebasket.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

____________________
I love adventure & surprises—that’s why I enjoy going for a drive with my husband.  We often take the scenic route to our destination.  We don’t plan to, he just gets lost.  He doesn’t have, nor does he want, a GPS, which is probably a good thing.  I can hear his GPS now, talking to him.  “I TOLD you to turn left 3.4 miles ago, but do you ever listen?”  (I hear a lot of things that nobody else does.  I used to be upset that the voices kept talking to me until I realized they were usually right!)


My husband loves me most when I’m just being myself.  I’m glad, because I tried being someone else once--Jennifer Anniston--& it didn’t work.  I couldn’t fit into her body.  I love being married—it’s so great when you find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life!
















For better or worse, I’m me (& Bud is Bud)----fishducky