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Friday, November 21, 2014

BE KIND TO STRANGERS



I can’t remember if I’ve told you this story before, but I can’t find it in my records.  My mind is usually like a steel trap.  I can remember every single thing!!  Why, just the other day…who’s calling, please?

Anyway, my friend was throwing a cocktail party in her apartment.  She finished preparing her platters & set them on the kitchen counter under the window.  Her guests were due in just under an hour.  Pleased to have everything done so early, she took a leisurely shower.  She got dressed, put on her makeup & returned to the kitchen.  It had started raining hard while she was showering & the window above the food was open.  The rain was coming through the dirty window screen & coating the food below.  She climbed on the counter to close the window.  She slipped on the wet, dirty counter, fell on the food & landed on the floor with a sore ankle!!

The phone rang & she limped over to answer it.  She cried & complained at length to the caller about her guest’s imminent arrival, the ruined food, her now dirty clothes & her sore ankle..  The caller responded with short, sympathetic comments & let her continue ranting & raving.  After several minutes, she realized she didn’t know who she was talking to.  After checking, it turned out to be a wrong number.  She asked the man why he had continued to listen to her complain when he didn’t even know her.  He said that she obviously was having such a bad night, he didn’t have the heart to interrupt!!
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A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt Vaseline, would you tell anyone?"  "Hell no!" the guy said.  The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"  The man said, "Of course not."  The stranger asked, "Wanna go camping?"
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The next time you’re in an elevator with half a dozen strangers, turn & say, “I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve called this meeting!!”----fishducky


 






Wednesday, November 19, 2014

FLY ME TO THE MOON




(Mostly, but not all, stuff from old posts.)


All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

aJokeADay.com

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers: 



(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: "The autopilot doesn't." 
S: "IT DOES NOW." 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Courtesy Qantas

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."
humour.200ok.com


Early in Bud's law practice, he had to go to a small town about 100 miles outside of Kansas City, Kansas, for a client.  He flew into Kansas City & then had to rent a small plane to go the rest of the way, which, shall we say, did not thrill him.  He called a charter service & was told they had three planes that he could choose from.  They said they had a single engine plane which could hold five passengers.  They also had two two engine planes, one of which carried seven passengers & the other nine.  He said he'd take the biggest one.  The clerk said, "Fine" & asked him how many people would be flying.  Bud told him "One."  He was told that would be a waste of money for one person & asked why he wanted the largest plane.  My husband, who is nothing if not logical, asked, "I assume the biggest plane is the most expensive, right?"  He was told it was.  He continued, "Then I also assume your best & most experienced pilot will be flying it, right?"  Right again. That's the one he took!!
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When I was in high school I took an aeronautics class to satisfy a science requirement.  I loved the class & not just because I was the only girl.  The teacher used to greet the class every morning by saying, "Good morning, boys & girl!!"


                                            An oldie (but very goody) for you:

The Monty Python Flying Sheep sketch:



My favorite note from a child:

A bunch of new cartoons:










I’ve already traveled all over the world; next year I’m going someplace else----fishducky

 





Monday, November 17, 2014

ARE YOU ANATIDAEPHOBIC?





I found this online:

And decided to complete it:

E is for Erythrophobia, fear of the color red,
F is for Febriphobia, fear of fever, which can send straight you to bed.

G is for Gerascophobia, the fear of growing old.
H is for Heliophobia, fear of the sun, which leaves me in the cold.

 I is for Ithyphallophobia, when erect penises are scary.
J is for Judeophobia, fearing Jews; for Arabs, customary.

K is for Katagelophobia, fearing ridicule can make you sad.
L is for Lyssophobia, the fear of going mad.

M is for Mageirocophobia, which is the fear of cooking.
N is for Nuduphobia, fear of nudity.  Why, is someone looking?

O is for Oenophobia, fear of wines—definitely not me!
P is for Paralipophobia, fear of responsibility.

Q had no fear to be found, despite my exploration.
R is for Rhypophobia, the fear of defecation.

S is for Stasiphobia, which is the fear of walking.
T is for Telephonophobia, which would severely limit talking.

U is for Urophobia, the fear of urinating.
V is for Verbophobia, I’d find fearing words so frustrating!

W is for Wiccaphobia, the fear of any witch.
X is for Xerophobia, fear of dryness.  (Because it makes you itch?)

Y was not available, though my search may have been slipshod,
Z is for Zeusophobia, which is the fear of gods.

(Yes, all those are real phobias!)
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If you don't have mageirocophobia (see above) & are stuck with making looking forward to preparing a turkey this holiday season, let me share a recipe for an absolutely delicious dressing/stuffing.  It's cooked outside of the bird.  Every time we prepare it for a group there are at least a couple of requests for the recipe.  Bud's family has made it for generations--he's the turkey cook in our family!!


2--1 1/2# loaves of bread (we have used white, french or sourdough--all good)
4 medium onions
2 bunches parsley
2 cups nuts (walnuts or pecans)
1/2# butter, melted
Salt & pepper

1 cup turkey broth (Bud usually boils the neck with onions & celery to make soup, which I use as the liquid for the gravy.  I assume you could use canned chicken broth, but we've never tried it.)

Put bread in food processor (metal chopping blade) a handful at a time & pulse until you have fluffy crumbs.  Before processors, we used to grate it through a vegetable colander; processors are much easier & they stop blood from scraped fingers from getting in the dressing.    Remove to a large bowl--we use the bottom of a roasting pan.  Chop onions & parsley together in the processor & add to bread.  Chop nuts (NOT in processor--they become dust) & add, along with melted butter, salt & pepper (to taste) & mix to moisten evenly.  It's good raw & should taste slightly salty.  If you prepare it the day before, wait to put in the butter.  When you're ready to cook it, put it in a large greased casserole dish, add 1/3 of the broth, cover & place in 350 oven.  After 15 minutes add another 1/3 of the broth.  Add the last 1/3 after another 15 minutes & cook 15 minutes longer.  Total cooking time is 45 minutes.  Invite us over & serve--ENJOY!!     















I hope you don't suffer from cherophobia, the fear of laughing----fishducky



 









Friday, November 14, 2014

DON'T MESS WITH DIABETES


TODAY IS NATIONAL DIABETES DAY!!

I don't plan on celebrating, but I have had Type 2 diabetes for about 20 years.  You can live with it, but it takes some work.  If you're lucky & don't have diabetes, you may not understand or appreciate everything in this post, but diabetics will.  My endocrinologist (diabetes doctor) likes my poems & asked me to write one on diabetes, so I did.  Here it is:

DON’T MESS WITH DIABETES
Don’t eat this!  Don’t eat that!
You’ve got diabetes and you’re fat!
Take a walk.  Take a pill.
Check your sugars.  Write your will.

My blood sugar’s way too high.
I want to be healthy; not to die!

Oh, how I wish I could fly to Mars
And gorge on twenty chocolate bars.

Why am I sweating?  It’s not hot.
(Those chocolate bars left me distraught.)

Get me my blood meter quick,
I need another finger prick!

My sugar’s low, my brains feel loose.
I’ll have a glass of apple juice.

I know I have to change my ways
And do what my doctor says.

She tells me that I should walk,
Though my nature says that I must squawk.

She's right, yet to get up off my butt
Is hard, but her orders are clear cut.

So how's this for a compromise?
(At least, please try it on for size!) 

I'll walk back all the way to my bed
Where I will rest my weary head

And legs and feet and butt and then
I'll walk back to my chair again!!

I’ll exercise; yeah, that’s the ticket!
My finger?  I’ll just have to prick it.

I realize diabetes can’t be cured
But it can be managed if I don’t act absurd.

I must not binge; I’ll watch my diet.
It won’t be easy, but I’ll try it!

I’ll keep my A1C in check;
Do what she tells me, and by heck

I’m gonna keep every one of my toes
And live with diabetes.  That’s just how it goes.


















































The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends----fishducky