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Wednesday, June 29, 2016

FISHDUCKY'S IMPERFECTIONS


(A reworked post from 2012 with all new cartoons.)

Some things are perfect, like this flower:

Or the pattern of ripples on this lake:



Sit down.  What I’m going to tell you may come as a shock.  I AM NOT PERFECT!!   Let me give you some of the very few examples of this:

When I was about 4--I remember being perfect until that time--my brother was ill & the doctor was coming over to examine him. (Ask your parents what the archaic term “house call” means.  Or your grandparents.)  I was in our backyard doing some genteel ladylike thing such as climbing a tree or possibly digging a hole.  My mother came & got me & dragged led me into the house so she could clean me up in preparation for the doctor’s visit.  She took a washcloth & scrubbed my face.  This did not go over too well with me.  According to my mother, I screamed at her, “PUT THAT DIRT BACK ON MY FACE!!”

We used to go to Acapulco with friends every year.  We always stayed at Hotel Las Brisas.  Las Brisas consists of about 250 “casitas” (little free-standing houses).  Each one has its own fenced in privacy pool where you could go skinny dipping without being seen by anyone.  Early every morning someone would come, clean out the old flowers & toss a few fresh hibiscuses in the pool.  (One day I told Bud I was very upset that I couldn’t use the pool yet.  He asked me why & I told him the flower man was late.  Yesterday’s flowers were still in the pool!!)  Bud & I had finished our room service lunch & had put the tray outside the gate so it could be picked up & we could skinny dip without interruptions.  Someone came to get the tray & I heard the rattling of dishes & glassware.  We had been married between 20 & 25 years at the time, but as they say, old habits die hard.  When I heard the noise outside the gate & realized we were naked & in the pool together, I had a terrifying thought: “Oh, my God, my mother is coming!!”

Las Brisas

Another time I (may) have been guilty:  I was driving with my 3 year old daughter & infant son in the backseat.  I drove through an intersection & was pulled over by a policeman.   I asked him why he had stopped me & he told me I had run a red light.  I honestly told him that I hadn’t--that the light was amber & changing when I went through.  My helpful (?) daughter piped up, “No, Mommy, it was red!!”  It’s always nice to have a witness--however, I would have preferred one who was on my side.  I got the ticket.




And then there was the time I was feeling put upon, unappreciated & totally exhausted--in  other words, completely normal for someone with 3 children, all under the age of 6.  I couldn’t take it any longer.  I had to get away.  I HAD TO RUN AWAY!!  I couldn’t leave the kids alone so I piled them in the backseat of the car & strapped them in to keep them from killing each other.  I understand that there is a secondary (& therefore of lesser importance) benefit to seat belts.  It helps keep them safe.  They asked where we were going.  I told them “I DON’T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!” & not to say another word.  I drove.  Anywhere.  We ended up at an ice cream parlor about 5 miles from the house.  So the trip wouldn’t be a total loss, we all went in & had sundaes.  They wanted to know why I had taken them out for a treat but I wouldn’t allow them to talk yet.

Recently I accidentally dropped something into the disposer, which was not on, so don't worry!! I reached in to retrieve it, which I had done with no problem many times before.  Apparently this was the first time I had tried with these bracelets on.  My hand went in easily & I grabbed the item with my fingertips & could not get my hand out.  The bracelets had made my wrist too big!!  I ran warm water--no help.  I poured some liquid soap--still no good.  I stood there for several minutes crying because I was sure I'd need a plumber or the EMTs to set me free.  I finally was able to roll the bracelets up my arm & my hand slipped right out.  That's when I got the boo-boo on the back of my hand.  (I apologize for the unattractiveness of this picture but my hand's 81 years old!!)
















Shut up & eat your ice cream----fishducky

 



Tuesday, June 28, 2016

WHEN I AM RICH...



In one of Walter Matthau's movies, "Buddy, Buddy", he was supposed to slide down a hotel's laundry chute & land in a laundry cart.  He missed the cart & ended up on the floor.  He had a few bumps & bruises so the studio called the paramedics.  After attending to him, they asked him if he was comfortable.  His answer--"I make a nice living!!" 

The reason I brought this up is that my husband has always made a nice living.  He is very generous with me & the rest of his family.  (To see "Application For Family Membership" click here.)  That being said, there are still some things that I want to taste, wear or own that I probably never will.  They may be a tad too expensive.  They include:

Elizabeth Taylor was the owner of the most expensive engagement ring. It was given to her by Richard Burton. The ring is a 33.19-caret type IIa certified diamond, which means this diamond is exceptional. It is chemically pure and has a high clarity. The diamond is an Asscher-cut and has a large cutlet facet. This ring tops the chart of the top 10 world's most expensive engagement rings with a value of $8.8 million.


This Monopoly game is only $2,000,000. The dice with 42 full-cut diamonds signifying the numbers are priced at $10,000 each. The board game also features the photo etched “Chance” and “Community Chest” cards along with 165 gemstones in total. An ounce of gold which cost between $360 and $460 when it was first crafted now costs over $1,300 an ounce.

Maine conjures images of well-worn fishermen and juicy lobsters, not quite a destination for overpriced cocktails. However, the quaint White Barn Inn in Kennebunk created this $40, 000 cocktail to celebrate its 40th anniversary, priced at what some people earn as a yearly salary. What makes this drink so expensive? It’s garnished with four-carat ruby atop its mixture of Hanger One Vodka, St-Germain, pomegranate, fresh grapefruit juice, and a spoonful of rosewater.


Charlotte Thomas “Bespoke” bed sheets are considered to be the most expensive bed sheets of the world. These sheets are 22 carat gold woven directly into merino wool fabric. 1000 thread counts are made from 100% pure cotton.  The price of Charlotte Thomas sheets is about $2400. 


At a price of $4,800,000, this Lamborghini is the most expensive street-legal production car in the world. Why so much? With no exaggeration, the car is literally coated in diamonds and diamonds aren’t cheap. For the Trevita, the Swedish manufacturer developed a new exterior finish called the Koenigsegg Proprietary Diamond Weave, which involves coating carbon fibers with a diamond dust-impregnated resin. I can’t even fathom how much the touch up paint costs. Underneath the lustrous finish lies a 4.8-liter, dual-supercharged V8 with a total output of 1,004 hp and 797 lb-ft, which means it should have little to no trouble overtaking semis on the freeway.  Just three were ever made.

The prize for the most expensive restaurant in the world goes to Kitcho, which is run by award-winning chef Kunio Tokuoka. Traditional Kaiseki cuisine at this eatery would set him back around $600 per person, but it is famed for being one of the best meals you can get in Japan.

With an astronomical price tag of $500 million just for the base model the sky is no longer the limit when it comes to luxury standards.This is the more expensive private jet of Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal costing more than twice than his other, smaller, less luxuriant private plane. Former 5th richest man in the world, currently still in the top 50, Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal of Saudi Arabia is a man who spares no expense when it comes to being unmatched in terms of luxury.Airbus created a modified empty Airbus A380 just for him for which he paid $350 million. On top of that he started making it his own going beyond anything ever seen.The jet, referred to as the “kingdom in the sky“, besides having everything gold plated  & a solid gold throne in the middle, also has a concert hall, a Turkish bath, a garage for a Rolls-Royce and even a prayer room with electronic mats which automatically rotate to face Mecca.

The "Streets of Monaco" will be the most expensive yacht in the world (well over $1,000,000,000) & one that doesn’t even have an owner yet. The reason for that is said yacht is still under construction, but once built, you can imagine it will have helipads, pools, cinemas and more. And will obviously be bought by some super wealthy oil baron.

If he got me any (or all) of these things
I might consider getting him a new watch:
 Just how many diamonds can one manufacturer put on a $5,000,000 wrist watch? Hublot answered that question with: as many we can fit in there!! They ended up with 1280 diamonds that have at least 3 carats each. It took over 1 full year just to find the diamonds and bring them to the headquarters from all corners of the earth but the end result was fully worth it. Every single stone was cut by a well renowned jeweler from New York, with over 40 years of experience, in order to make sure each bears the same cut signature.

I might settle for a puppy
if he hired a live-in dog brusher:
One of these Tibetan mastiffs is thought to have become the most expensive dog in the world after selling for £1.16 million.



















They say money can't buy happiness but give me a few million dollars & watch me smile!!----fishducky

 















Monday, June 27, 2016

BODY & SOUL (WITHOUT THE “SOUL” PART)



(Reworked from a 7/15/13 post, with new cartoons.)



Some interesting (to me, anyway) facts about the human body:

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Not only is this rock tough, it needs salt.

The higher your IQ, the more you dream.
To sleep, perchance to snore...

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg & the smallest is the male sperm.
Another place even little guys fight their way in.

You use 200 muscles to take one step,
That's why I sit a lot.

A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands,
I bet my husband has more!!

A full bladder is roughly the size of a softball. 
Or a large Diet Coke.

The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
NEVER store razor blades in your stomach!!

The human brain cell can hold five times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.
But not in alphabetical order!!

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
No wonder I’m still hungry!!

Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
How about hairy chested women?

At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.
I remember how lonely it was.

Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.
Maybe so, but I’m not getting in that pot!!

Your thumb is about 1/3 the length of your penis.
Being a female, I can't check that one!!

Women are through reading this.
Men are still looking at their thumbs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

True story:

I realize I may not be normal (whatever that is) but I had a dream where my toes were falling off. No pain or bleeding, but off they came.  Can anyone explain that to me?  Did I invent a new disease--toeliosis?

Some jokes:

A man went to a surgeon and said, "I want to be, uh, castrated." "What?" said the doctor, "Surely you don't want that?" "Yes," said the man, "That's what I want, to be, uh, castrated. I insist I be, uh, castrated!!" The doctor told him to check into the hospital. When he did he was stripped, laid on a cart, wheeled into the operating room, anesthetized, and WHOP!!, off they came. The next day, he woke up in a double room & wanting to be sociable, asked the man in the next bed what he was in for. "Oh, I was circumcised," the man said. "Son of a bitch!! That's the word I was looking for!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives is a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but them remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture.  Do you mind is I make a suggestion? Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons: 
- has to work at great depths; 
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- does not get time off after extra hours of work; 

Request DENIED for the following reasons: 
- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- shows no fidelity to the workplace; 
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing.
(funtoosh.com)

And some cartoons, but just for YOU:
  














    

My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think----fishducky