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Wednesday, June 19, 2013

THE RAVIN’






Once upon a midnight brightly, for I turned my lamp on nightly,
Trying to complete the latest issue of my post,
All at once I heard a moaning, it was my computer groaning,
If it were to die my blog would be but toast.

When it was I don’t remember--wait, it must have been December,
Yes! Earlier that evening I had carved the Christmas roast.
We had sweet potatoes (yummy!) and they sat there in my tummy,
But a working computer was now of my needs the uppermost.

A spirit appeared on my screen, in a color sort of pea green,
The creature was so pale it must have been a ghost.
Forgive me if I’m ravin’, but this specter was so craven,
I had not the slightest wish to ever play his host.

He spoke in a voice so hollow, it was difficult to follow,
And said that he would take away the thing I loved the most.
“Not my computer!” I beseeched him, but my words just never reached him,
I said, “People want to read this,” but he ignored my boast.

I begged, I tried to buy him, but he wouldn’t listen to my lyin’,
He said, “You’re on a hilltop and downward you must coast.”
“Without my computer as my sled, my butt would end up oh, so red
And the gravel would make me look just like a piece of raisin toast!”

“No one reads your silly blogging—your brain just needs unclogging,
Your followers would fare better if with heroin they were dosed.”
“That may be, but my blogs are legal,” and I swooped in like an eagle,
And told him people like to read what makes them laugh the most. 

“One more paragraph!” I pleaded, and ‘twas then that I proceeded
To tell him of a few blogs with which readers were engrossed.
“I know I heard a rumor that FACING 50 WITH HUMOR
And also BODACIOUS BOOMER were followed by a host.”

"If you want to read ELISA you don't need to get a visa, 
And her writing is more clever than at a Friar's roast.
HALEY'S COMIC is so funny it makes my eyes a little runny.
Oh, don't take these from me--I'm pleading, ghost!"

“And CRANKY OLD MAN’s a winner, we just laughed it at dinner,
THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM is said to be the most.
WRESTLING WITH RETIREMENT brings me to perspirement,
And PEARL, WHY YOU LITTLE  is for sure a favorite post.”

“The world’s in need of laughter, and that’s why, ever after,
I hope we’ll have Jen, Leenie and Stephen here to post.
Not to mention Robyn, and so many more my head is throbbin’,
For without laughter our jaws would be on the floor, almost.”

I so liked Melynda's CRAZY WORLD that I feel like I've been hurled
Into darkness.  Can you ask her to write again, I beg you, ghost?
Oh, Melynda, how I miss you, (excuse me while I get a tissue)
I would love to see another issue of your post.  

"There's Abby and there's Kellie, who make me laugh down in my belly,
But if sanity's your thing, there's still a host.
On Dee, Josh, JanieMaggie, Inger, and on ManziJuli and Patti  I linger.
I NEED my computer to read these and more and comment.  Oh, please, ghost."

(If others I failed to mention, know it was not my intention, 
But I was under pressure, thanks to the ghost.
Please forgive me this neglecting, but as you've long been suspecting,
My brain is not the part of me that I use the most!)

The specter then relented, and immediately consented
To repair my computer so I could write, sweet ghost.
He then called a tech (who was in India) but heck,
By then I couldn’t remember what it was that I HAD to post!



I couldn't remember any Poe jokes or even find any to steal so here are extra cartoons for you today:







And some "non-raven" ones:





If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click  HERE to buy it on Amazon
or HERE on Goodreads.
Can't make up your mind whether or not to buy it?

Inger (desertcanyonliving) posted some of my pen & ink drawings of San Francisco yesterday.  THANK YOU, INGER!  You can see them HERE.  



I was thinking about old age and decided that it's when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it----fishducky

 





Monday, June 17, 2013

FOR FEMALE EYES ONLY!! MEN--DO NOT READ UNDER PENALTY OF LAW!!

Ladies--let's keep this our little secret!


I’d like to tell you about an organization my friends & I founded a number of years ago. There are no meetings & no dues.  No rules except that you must tell at least one woman friend about it & swear that you will never tell a man.

Reading ahead means that you agree to the terms of membership.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The organization is called “WHAM”.  That’s an acronym for WHY HUSBANDS ARE MURDERED, although in this day & age it could also mean significant other instead of husband.  Our purpose is to save women the trouble of constantly complaining about the things their husbands do—usually caused by testosterone poisoning.  In my time it meant things like, “I went to the market like you asked.  So, big deal I forgot milk, bread & eggs.  You didn’t really need them, did you?” or “I DID tell you that I accepted that invitation to that formal affair tomorrow, didn’t I?” or my personal favorite, after a day where nothing went right, the kids are screaming & you’re still in your nightgown, him coming home from work & saying, “What do you mean I didn’t tell you that I had invited my boss & his wife for dinner tonight?  Why aren’t you dressed yet?”.  God only knows what they are today.

These are the type of things that do not constitute grounds for divorce, but we feel that murder would not be an inappropriate reaction.

WHAM members need only to look at another member & say “Wham!”.  The other member would answer by giving her a thumbs up & repeating “Wham!”.  This response would mean:
1—I know, honey, I’ve been there.
2—I’m so sorry.
3—What can you do?  They’re men!
4—I’d kill him if I were you.
5—Any or all of the above.

Congratulations on your new membership!

PS—The inspiration for the formation of WHAM came from a line in the play, “The Fourposter”.  After 50 years of marriage the wife is asked if she had ever thought of divorce.  Her answer—“Divorce? Never.  Murder?  Yes!”

PPS—Shortly after the forming of WHAM my youngest son was married.  At the time, he & his wife both worked for United Airlines so, of course, there were many airline employees at their reception.  I told all of the female guests about our new organization & they promised to carry the word back to their many parts of the world.  I fully expected to hear some male newscaster say, “Women all across the globe are giving each other the thumbs up sign & saying ’Wham!’. We’ll get back to that when we find out what the reason is.  Right now, no one will say anything.”

fishducky
President, WHAM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I ran the following letter in my last post, but it just occurred to me that it's an excellent example of "WHAM" (except this response is from a man who never even met the woman he's writing to):


Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the family room watching TV. My car stalled and about a mile from home it broke down. I had forgotten my cell phone so I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home I could not believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for six months and I'm afraid I'm at my wit's end. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all earth leads. If none of these approaches solve the problem it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps.
Sincerely, John












If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click  HERE to buy it on Amazon
or HERE on Goodreads.


It's simple--just click on one of the links above.
There should be no problem


In case you're wondering, no, I am NOT mad at my husband----fishducky





Friday, June 14, 2013

FISHDUCKY’S HERE FOR YOU


I’ve decided to start an advice column, sort of like Dear Abby.  Who better to ask than someone who knows everything?  Here are some of the questions I’ve received & my responses.  What do you think?

Dear fishducky,
I just discovered my husband is seeing another woman & she’s a cow.  I mean a real cow, as in “Moo, moo.”  He does bring home fresh milk so I don’t have to run to the store nearly as often as I used to.  He claims that should be enough to make me happy.  What should I do?
Wondering in Wisconsin

Dear Wondering,
Easy question.  As much as I believe in the sanctity of marriage & the vows you both took, your husband is a nut case.  Drop him!!
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Dear fishducky,
My husband just surprised me with a beautiful BMW.  My problem is that I think he stole it.  What would you do?
Nervous Nellie

Dear Nellie,
Change the plates.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear fishducky,
My wife & I own a small home.  Both my mother & my mother-in-law want to move in with us.  What advice would you give us?
Harried husband

Dear Harried,
Run!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear fishducky,
My dog loves to beg.  He's really good at it.  Last week alone he came home with 16 doggy treats & $174.56.  My question is, do we have to declare this as extra income?
A Proud Owner


Dear Proud,
Not unless someone tells the IRS.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear fishducky,
Where can I find someone who will prepare my meals, clean my house & have sex with me for only room & board?
A Cheapskate

Dear Cheapo,
Offhand, I can think of two places.  Either a wedding chapel or slavesareus.com.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear fishducky,
I once shot an elephant in my pajamas.  How do you suppose he got into them?
Funny Guy

Dear  Funny,
Ask Groucho Marx.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear fishducky,
My roommate has become so catty that she's driving me crazy.  Help me, please!
Dog Lover

Dear Dog,
I suggest you watch this video to decide if you'd really prefer your friend to act catty or doggy. 




                                 




Why men should not write advice columns:

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the family room watching TV. My car stalled and about a mile from home it broke down. I had forgotten my cell phone so I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home I could not believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for six months and I'm afraid I'm at my wit's end. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all earth leads. If none of these approaches solve the problem it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps.
Sincerely, John

Some random advice from Huffpost:










This one's from Michele:

Some advice I stole from Leenie:



And some cartoons:




If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click  HERE to buy it on Amazon
or HERE on Goodreads.

Tex, here, suggests you buy my book:


Because of the high volume of stupid questions I have been asked, there will now be a $1.00 charge for answers.  Answers with thought $2.00.  Correct answers $3.00.----fishducky