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Friday, January 30, 2015

"GOOD MORNING" IS AN OXYMORON





I have been called many things throughout my life, but a "morning person" has never been one of them.  When my kids were in elementary school I made what I considered the supreme sacrifice & got up to make them their breakfast.  After a while, they apparently got their nerve up & told me they couldn't eat in the morning when I was around.  They asked me to make their lunches before I went to bed & then they would get their own breakfast--& I thought I was being cheerful!!  I always felt school hours should have been from noon until 6:00 pm--then I might have been able to function.

Sunsets can be wonderful, but the only sunrises I ever really enjoyed were those I watched before going to bed.  One year the kids gave me this sticker to put on my bedroom mirror--they said it looked just like me.  It's still there!!


One of the most frustrating things about getting old is now that the kids are all in their own homes & I don't have a job I have to go to is now I can sleep as late as I want & I wake up about 6:00 or 7:00 am & I often fall asleep during the day.  I can't find a video of it, but I loved the Carole Burnett Show, especially where Tim Conway played a little old man.  In one skit, he kept dozing off & when he woke up he asked, "Did I miss September?  I love September!!"  I can identify.
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This is from Joe at Cranky Old Man:

I don’t mind all cheerful people in the morning; it is strangers who are the tinfoil on my fillings.  I used to walk to the train in the morning still half awake and not grumpy, but not in an “on top of the world” kinda mood either.  Coming the other way is a power walking lady pumping those 1 ½ pound hand weight things and with a big smile hits me out of the blue with a cheery “Good Morning!”

I may nod back or even grumble a “yeah” back, and that is when I get the return comment that will ruin the next hour and a half of my day.

“Smile, cheer up, it can’t be that bad!”

Well, maybe it is!  Maybe my wife just left me…again.  Maybe I just lost my job, maybe I have a splitting headache, maybe I hate going to work or maybe I just don’t need my morning routine interrupted by some cheery powerwalking lady who has not a care in the world telling me what kind of a mood to be in!  I will cheer the frig up if and when I want to cheer up and I will smile if and when I want to smile, so just pump those sissy-ass weights, shut the hell up, and keep walking. BITCH!
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Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. 

There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," 

And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning & was always late for work. His boss threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it, so Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill & told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well & in fact beat the alarm in the morning.  He had a leisurely breakfast & drove cheerfully to work.  "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said his boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
evilox.com
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"Some days I wake up bitchy--other days I just let her sleep."
My husband, Bud
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AND NOW A BONUS POEM (which I didn’t write):

GOOD MORNING POEM
                     

 








I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill.

It sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.

 It sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun.
It seemed its very trilling
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers,
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed its f***ing head.

I'm not a morning person!



I had a little trouble waking up this morning.
Bud claims I was snoring:
Click here.



















Even Irving Berlin agreed with me:

There should be a better way to start each day instead of waking up every morning----fishducky


 



Thursday, January 29, 2015

HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW?




I must have a green thumb--not one of my silk plants has ever died.


Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.  If it comes out of the ground easily, it is/was a valuable plant.

I have a planter of ivy in my guest bathroom.  It is probably over 20 years old.  Many of my other plants did not survive childhood, but I once had a chia pet that lived to a ripe old age. 

You could grow your own veggies & eat healthily, but remember, good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

My secret to always having healthy beautiful blooming green plants in my home--when the old ones die, I buy new ones.


A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.

Old gardeners never die, they just vegetate.

Two older ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.  One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!"  "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.  As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.  Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement."

If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

Some interesting quotes:
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."--Dorothy Parker

"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."--Doug Larson
  
"I have a rock garden.  Last week three of them died."--Richard Diran

"I have no plants in my house.  They won't live for me.  Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."--Jerry Seinfeld 
















If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?----fishducky

 


Wednesday, January 28, 2015

POCKETS, PAINTINGS & A PRESTIDIGITATOR’S PALACE









It’s not ALL my fault.  It must be something in our genes that draws my family to pockets.  It affected my brother at a very early age.  He didn’t empty pockets, though--he filled them.  When he was a month or so old, my mom brought him to the pediatrician for a checkup.  The doctor was wearing a white lab coat, with the pockets gaping open.  My mom told me that he removed my brother’s diaper & placed him on his back on the examining table.  Although my brother had never seen the “Dancing Waters” in Las Vegas, he did a very good impression of them.  According to my mother, his urine went high into the air, arced & landed directly in the doctor’s pocket, without spilling a drop!  You’d think a pediatrician would have known better than to place himself in such a precarious situation.

The Dancing Waters

And now onto some different subjects—keep up with me here.  That’s the way my brain works.  (My lawyer husband would object: he’d claim I was assuming facts not in evidence.)

 I went to a very funny art show many years ago.  
Do you remember painting by numbers? 
The canvasses looked like this:


The only paintings from the show that I remember clearly looked like the two below.  They aren’t the actual pictures, but these were the subjects the artist used:

 Horse painted by numbers

Numbers painted by horse


I am a magic nut.  (Not like a pecan that can do tricks—I mean I’m crazy about magic.)  We’re not magicians, but for many years we were members of the Magic Castle.  The Castle is a private club in the Hollywood hills for magicians & lovers of magic.  You have to be a member or guest of a member to get in.  You enter the main Castle through the foyer.  There’s no door from the foyer to the interior—you stand in front of a wall-to-wall bookcase, say “Open, sesame” & it slides open.  Inside on the walls there were many portraits where the eyes “followed” you.



One of my favorite things there was the piano—“Irma”.  Irma was a-lush was a souse liked her liquor.  She would play musical answers to your questions—the proper keys would be depressed—but there was no human sitting there!  It worked like a player piano, but fast enough so you could have a conversation with her.  If you asked her if she’d like a drink, she’d play “How Dry I Am”.  The waiter would bring in a full glass & set it down on her, where it would quickly be drained dry.  When the waiter “86ed” her, refusing to serve her any more liquor, she was likely to play “Show Me the Way to Go Home”.  She was horny, too.  I once asked her what her favorite thing in the world was & she played “Stout Hearted Men”.

There were several rooms where they did close-up magic at a table & also two or three theatres with stages.  People from the audience were called up to participate.  It was always such fun!  I remember several times in one of the close-up rooms where the magician put something in my hand & I closed my fist tight.  When I opened it, there was always something else there.  One night I was “assisting” a magician with a card trick.  I can’t remember how his routine went, but I do remember that my card was the 15 of clubs!

Even the restrooms were different.  I have no personal knowledge of the men’s room, but I have to believe it was as different as the ladies’.  (My husband says that all he can remember is that there were framed copies of the daily newspaper on the wall above the urinals, so men who were able to multitask could keep up with the day’s happenings.)  There was a silver dollar embedded in the ladies’ room floor which looked as if it had recently been dropped.  I don’t know how many people tried to pick it up—but I was one of them.  The liquid soap dispenser was a small replica of of Michelangelo’s “David”.


Guess which part you had to pull down
to get the creamy white liquid soap?
Hint: It wasn’t the arm.

We once hosted a seance at the Castle.  We invited five other couples for a total of twelve people.  We were seated at a large round table in a secluded room.  The four or five course gourmet meal was prepared by a private chef & served by a private butler.  Delicious!  After dinner we were joined by a medium, who made us a group of thirteen. ( A lot of spooky rappings, noises & other goings on then!)  We ended the seance by giving everyone watches that we had had made, below.  WHAT A FUN EVENING!!
They looked like this, but with a band.












Now I’m going to disappear.  PRESTO!!  I’m gone----fishducky


 


Tuesday, January 27, 2015

I ONCE SHOT AN ELEPHANT IN MY PAJAMAS; HOW HE GOT IN MY PAJAMAS I'LL NEVER KNOW!! --Groucho Marx






If you don't like these, don't blame me--blame http://homepage.eircom.net!!


Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
A: By the footprints in the butter.


Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?
A: Wet.


Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water?
A: One by one.


Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.


Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.


Q: Why do elephants live in herds?
A: To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.


Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch"
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Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.


Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!


Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?


Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.


Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.


Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.


Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.


Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.


Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.


Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)


Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.


Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.


Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back


Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.


Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW parked outside it.


Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge, A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!


Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.


Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO


Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!


Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.


Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the size of the elephants.


Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW discover?
A: The sun roof.


Q: The Lion (king of the animals) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW.


Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW?
A: None, the elephants are in there!


Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!


Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.


Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.


Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: Its bike is outside.


Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the bar.


Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.


Q: Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.


Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.


Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.


Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.


Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.


Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.


Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas, .....


Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.


Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.


Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
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Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires.


Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamping out flaming ducks.


Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
A: To fit on lily pads.


Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.


Q: Why are frogs so short?
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.
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Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.


Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed?
A: He has a big 'E' on his pajama pocket.


Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.


Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.


Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).


Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".


Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.


Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A: A dead ant.
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Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts


Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!


Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.


Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!


Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.


Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Mercedes?
A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.


Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead!


Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.


Tim Conway displays his pure comic genius as he tells his Elephant Story on the Carol Burnett Show and absolutely wrecks his fellow cast mates’ ability to keep a straight face. The show was filmed live and the actors were always trying to make each other laugh which is something Tim Conway excelled at doing.
To see it, click here.  














A science lesson:


I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top----fishducky