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Monday, June 30, 2014

LOGICAL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS



These questions seem reasonable to me.  Why aren't there logical answers?


- Can you cry under water? 

- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? 

- If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? 

- Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? 

- Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? 

- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? 

- Why does a round pizza come in a square box? 

- What disease did cured ham actually have? 

- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
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Following are some examples of logical answers:

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?" 

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks the man why he's drinking so fast. 

"You'd drink them this fast, too, if you had what I have." 

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have, pal?" 

The man quickly replies, "A dollar."
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A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" 

Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said, “By check.  I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." 

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
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A dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you need any help?” and the bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?” 
The dog replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
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Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result--the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your dog."
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And you don't even have to be sober:

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says,

"No way, buddy, you're too drunk."

A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time -- you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"

The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing." 

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A prime example of a logical man:


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. 

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. 

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. 

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. 

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
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But I'll be back in August!!


Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether----fishducky

 





Friday, June 27, 2014

PERSEUS AND MEDUSA





You think your family is too hard on you?  Try being Perseus, the son of Jupiter and Danae. His grandfather, Acrisius, was told by an oracle that his daughter's child would be the cause of his death, so he ordered the mother and child to be shut up in a chest and set adrift in the ocean.  (Ed. Note: I’ve heard oracles don’t lie, but I’ve had very little personal experience.) The chest came to shore at Seriphus, where it was found by a fisherman who brought the mother and infant to Polydectes, the evil king of the country, who married Danae and treated her very badly.
When Perseus had grown up Polydectes sent him to kill Medusa, a Gorgon, and to bring back her head as proof.  Let me tell you about her.  She was a real two-bagger.  By that, I don’t mean that you could easily get to second base with her.  What I mean is that if you were making love to her, you’d put two bags over her head in case the first one came off!  At one time, she was gorgeous with hair that wouldn’t quit, but Minerva got jealous.  She took away Medusa’s charms and turned her hair into live, wriggling snakes. She was so scary that neither man nor beast could look at her without turning into stone.  The cavern where she lived looked like a sculpture gallery.
Perseus borrowed Minerva’s shield and Mercury’s winged sandals (it pays to know the right people gods) and, since there were no posted speed limits, got to Medusa’s cavern in just under a minute.  He knew better than to look directly at her, so he let the reflection in Minerva’s shield guide him.  He took out his shield and lopped off her head, which Minerva was planning to place in the center of her shield, as sort of a logo.
After he killed Medusa, he took flight (he still had Mercury’s sandals) over land and sea, carrying the head in a sack. He got to the realm of King Atlas, who was the biggest man on earth.  He was seriously fat!   Perseus said, "I come as a guest. If you honor illustrious descent, I claim Jupiter as my father.  If mighty deeds, I claim the conquest of the Gorgon. I seek rest and food."   King Atlas was very concerned about his apple trees, which grew golden apples, and said, “No way, Jose” and told him to leave.  Perseus, who was always gracious, said, “Okey, dokey, but let me give you a present before I go.”  He closed his eyes and held up Medusa’s head.  (The turning into stone thing worked even if she was dead.)  Atlas, being such a big guy, was turned into a mountain.  Don’t believe me?  Where do you think the Atlas Mountains came from?
After a big lunch and a long nap, Perseus returned to Seriphus to see King Polydectes and his mother, Danae.  He went to the castle, where the tyrant and his guests were feasting.  "Have you the head of Medusa?" asked Polydectes.  He whispered to his mother to close her eyes and said, "Here it is," and held it up to show to the king and to his guests.  Back into the sack went the head.  He told Danae to open her eyes and said, “Let’s split this place, Mom.”  And so they did.













In libraries there are no answers, only cross-references----fishducky

 


Please leave a comment.

Monday, June 23, 2014

JUST A LITTLE HOSTESS GIFT





(Originally published 1/11/12)

We have a friend, Theo, in Texas who used to be an accountant for an oil company.  He wasn’t wealthy, but his job gave him access to a private plane & pilot.  He invited Bud & me to join him & his wife, Lynn, on a trip to the Grand Old Opry to celebrate his 50th birthday.  He sent out the plane to pick us up in Los Angeles.  (Flying in a private plane is lovely.  It should be on everyone’s bucket list.  I love when the pilot carries my luggage to the plane & asks when we would like to take off!)

We spent a few days in their home & then it was off to Nashville.  I was his “official” photographer & took lots of pictures of the birthday boy with the performers.  Everyone was “down home” & friendly.  It was a blast!  We then had OUR pilot fly us to New Orleans for more fun & lots of great food.  A few days there & it was time to go home.  On the private plane, of course.

We had such a marvelous time, a really nice thank you gift was in order.  I had taken my full length “mink” coat on the trip with me.  Even though this was before the days of PETA, it was not a real fur.  It was a man-made mink that looked exactly like a real one.  (Another friend had a real mink in the same color.  I put mine next to hers & you couldn’t tell where one stopped & the other started.  The color & texture were identical.) Theo had insisted on no gifts, but Lynn loved my coat so we decided to send one to her, with his permission.  He kept it a secret from his wife.

Her cleaning woman was at her house when United Parcel rang the bell.  She told Lynn that there was a package for her.  When Lynn saw who had sent it, she told the cleaning woman that she knew that it would be something nice & to sit down & watch while she opened it.  Lynn said her cleaning woman’s face almost hit the floor when she pulled out what seemed to be a full length mink coat!  The woman asked her why we had sent it.  She told her we were very nice people & that we sent it because we knew she would like it--& that it was a “hostess” thank you present.  

Lynn told us that the last thing she heard her cleaning woman say as she left the room was, “I wish I knew me some crazy rich people in California!”








This is Joe Namath:

I hate wearing dead animals, but the live ones bite & scratch----fishducky

 



Friday, June 20, 2014

HOW THE KANGAROO GOT ITS POUCH







Did you know that many years ago, the kangaroo had no pouch?  That’s true.  I wouldn’t lie to you.  (I might kid you a little bit, but I wouldn’t lie to you.)  Let me tell you how they got the pouches that they have today.

Since most of them couldn’t afford babysitters or even the least expensive day care facility, when they went out to feed, the mother kangaroos always had their children with them.  Every time they bent down to take a bite of a delicious plant or munch on some grass their joeys (babies) would run off to play.  The moms would have to stop eating and go off in search of them.  It was okay when the joeys were little and in their strollers, but they soon outgrew those.  True, it kept the mothers slim, but they were always hungry.

One day one of the mothers had a great idea.  “If we just had something to put them in,” she thought, “We could finally finish a meal without all that hassle.”  She went online and typed in “baby carriers”.  She found Baby Bjorns and Moby Wraps and some other brands.  She ordered several so she and her friends could try them out.  They were fine when the mothers were standing still, but when they bent over to eat, the joeys tended to slip out.  And there was no way they would stay in when their moms started hopping!  They had to come up with a Plan B.

They thought and thought and they watched many other animals.  They saw an alligator with her baby sitting on her head and they tried that but it gave them headaches.  They saw an opossum with her babies on her back and they tried that, too, but when they stood up, the joeys slid off.  It was then that they had another idea--why not carry them in a purse?  A few of them went to the local Dollar Store and got some inexpensive purses to try it out.  They worked perfectly but human (and kangaroo) nature being what it is, some of the mothers had to show off.  They began carrying their joeys in handbags designed by Louis Vuitton, Kate Spade and even Prada.

Naturally, that made the kangaroo mothers who couldn’t afford the designer brands very sad.  One of them went to Pinterest and found a pattern for an apron.  She played around with it and discovered that if she sewed two of them together, with an opening at the top which could by kept closed with a drawstring, she had the perfect baby carrier.  She made enough for all her friends, who loved them.  It wasn’t long before all lady kangaroos, even the Prada carrying ones, started wearing them.
 

Apparently, Mother Nature thought that was a really good idea, too, because now all female kangaroos are born with her version of that apron.  She didn’t include the drawstring closure, though.











These just in from Elephant's Child:









My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right----fishducky

 



Monday, June 16, 2014

HOW THE ELEPHANT GOT ITS TRUNK

It's fairy tale time again!!



You all know, of course, why some animals are the way they are.   For instance, the giraffe’s neck is as long as it is because he was so snooty that he wouldn’t talk to or even look at the other animals and he kept stretching his neck farther and farther until it just stayed that way.  But did you know about the elephant and his trunk?  No?  That’s all right, I’m going to tell you.

One African elephant, Elroy, who lived in the jungle was very prone to allergies.  He was allergic to many of the local plants.  Neither handkerchiefs nor Kleenex had been invented yet so people and animals used to wipe their noses with their shirts or arms after they sneezed.  Elephants are so big, you can just imagine the mess he made.  They used to have snouts, like pigs.

One day Elroy was walking through the jungle and sneezing every few minutes.  He would eat some grass and sneeze.  He would say hello to another animal and sneeze.  He would drink some water and sneeze.  His fairy godmother (yes, animals have fairy godmothers, too!) appeared before him and he sneezed on her, too.  She got upset at first, but he apologized profusely and she realized he couldn’t help it.
 
She moved behind him, where she would be safer, and told him that she would grant him one wish because he had just stepped on a snake and she was deathly afraid of snakes.  Elroy told her that he didn’t do it on purpose, that he was clumsy and stepped on a lot of animals without even knowing it.  She said that was okay, that made one less snake anyway, and that he could still have a wish.  She told him to think carefully before he made his request, because one wish was all union rules permitted.

Elroy thought and thought and finally said, “I’m so tired of sneezing all over myself.  I really wish you could do something about my allergies.”  She told him to give her a few minutes to think of something.  After due consideration, she said, “I‘m sorry, Elroy, but I can’t get rid of your allergies because antihistamines will be discovered in a few hundred years and the makers of Benadryl and Claritin would probably sue me retroactively.  Would you settle for a really long, flexible nose so you could at least aim your sneezes up in the air or over your shoulder?”

The elephant thought about it and decided that was better than nothing so he accepted her offer.  After using his new nose it for a while, Elroy decided that it was much better than the old one, allergies or no allergies.  He could get grass off the jungle floor with it and pluck delicious leaves from the trees.  He could get a drink without sticking his face in the water and even take a shower.  He could lift things and carry them around.  When he got a girlfriend, he could wrap his nose around her shoulders.  Elroy’s new nose could do so many things that all the elephants who saw it wanted one just like it.  

Their fairy godmothers decided that it would be a lot less work if elephants were born that way rather than to change them individually, so they got together and made it happen.  There’s not an elephant I’ve talked to, either African or Asian, that would prefer that old style nose. 






Be yourself--who else can you be?----fishducky