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Monday, September 15, 2014

THINGS I KNOW (& SOME THINGS I DON'T KNOW FOR SURE)

I'm thinking of going back to posting 3 times week.
Would you like that?
Do you even care?
Please let me know in the comments.
If I get enough "Yes" comments I'll start next week!!




I KNOW ALL ABOUT THESE THINGS BECAUSE MY MOM TAUGHT ME:

My mom taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." 
My mom taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." 

My mom taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your math test, you'll never get a good job!" 

My mom taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" 

My mom taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking?  Answer me when I talk to you!  Don't talk back to me!" 

My mom taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mom taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. 

My mom taught me ABOUT SEX... "How do you think you got here?" 

My mom taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!" 

My mom taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" 

My mom taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand." 

My mom taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." 

My mom taught me about RECEIVING... "You're going to get it when we get home." 

And my all-time favorite thing; JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU--then you'll see what it's like."



THINGS I'M NOT TOO SURE ABOUT:

What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 


If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? 

When blondes have more fun, do they know it? 


If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? 


Is it OK to yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firehouse?


Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?




SOME THINGS I HAD TO LEARN FOR MYSELF:

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 

Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now! 

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it. 

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Remember, half the people in the world are below average.

Losing a wife or husband can be hard. In some cases, it’s damn near impossible.
arcamax

Sometimes children need help.
Following are some questions for Mom & Dad:


























I know this--if God wanted us to go around naked, He would have made our skin fit better----fishducky














Friday, September 12, 2014

FISHDUCKY’S GREETING CARDS, INC.






(A reworked post from 9/26/12)


Hallmark’s slogan is “When you care enough to send the very best”.  Someecards uses “When you care enough to hit send’’.  The slogan for my new greeting card company will be “Here!”

We offer cards for every occasion.  Here's a sample of our stock:



“Happy birthday!
Don’t be a flake.
Save me some of
That chocolate cake!”















“Here’s my wish for
You this Easter—
Don’t fall down and
Break your keester!”
















“It’s Hanukkah!
Here’s your dreidle toy.
Aren’t you glad
You’re not a Goy?”*
*Non-Jew


   









“You had a brand new baby,
And I suppose that’s fine.
But I would've gladly given
You any one of mine!”






















Congratulations
On your wedding.
That should keep
STD's from spreading."

or

“Word’s out you’re getting married,
I wish you endless luck.
God knows you’ll really need it
If you say “Yes” to that schmuck.”
















"It's about time
You divorced that cow.
Does that mean it’s OK
To hit on her now?”
















“Christmas is coming
With lots of good cheer.
I hope Santa
Brings me beer!”
















"So glad you're out of jail.
Did they grant you a parole,
Or did someone slip a file
Into your casserole?"














"All this snoring
Is making me woozy.
Oh, how I wish
I had an Uzi!"












“Thanks for having me
At your place—
Loved shoving dinner
Into my face!”



“Happy New YEAR!
Auld lang syne!
I need another
Glass of wine!”

















"I'm so sorry 
You got fired.
Just pretend that 
You retired."



“Too bad you’re sick.
Just take your pill.
You’ll need it when you
Get the doctor’s bill!”



“You always said to
Eat, drink & live hearty.
We had a great time at
Your funeral party!”


We even offer cards for those "of a certain age"--here are three samples:




“I know this
Birthday card is late.
So what?  You’re too old
To celebrate.”

“Too many candles can easily start
A blaze in your apartment—
A happy birthday warning from
Your local Fire Department.”

“Because you’ve had so many birthdays
And we all love you a heap,
We pooled our money and decided
To have you put to sleep.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here are some that Arcamax offered.  I like mine better:

You totaled your car
and can't remember why.
Could it have been
that whole case of Bud Dry? 

You are such a good friend
that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. 

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise. 

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again. 

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
almost lifelike!



Another competitor:










Don't forget!!  Some of my poems are in an anthology that was just published.  It's called "Old Broads Waxing Poetic".  This is the cover.  To order from Amazon, click here.


We're pleased to announce the winner of the Favorite Old Broadfest  is Stephen T. McCarthy! He wrote not one, but two wonderful stories about his mother on Susan's blog. Stephen blogs at http://xtremelyun-pcandunrepentant.blogspot.com/.  You can see his winning entries over at http://susan-swiderski.blogspot.com/.


Does this look like the start of a fantastic new career or what?----fishducky  


 


Monday, September 8, 2014

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CATS & DOGS




As adults, dogs are interested in everything, 
even when they just wake up:

Cats, not so much:

Dogs can use the facilities anywhere:
:
And will clean up after themselves in case of an accident:

Cats may have a small problem with toilets::

A dog will borrow the car:

Or he can catch a ride with a friend:

A cat is always satisfied with his skateboard:

Below is a map of a dog's brain:
The cat's brain is slightly more complex:

Dogs can amuse themselves without a human around:

But so can cats:

Cats always enjoy a good game with a friend:

Dogs are deathly afraid of vacuums:

While a cat is willing to stay & fight:

A dog can sometimes be a picky eater:

While you can count on a cat being finicky:

They can both be helpful to humans.
In a pinch, a cat can be used as a hat:

While a dog can be of help if you don't have time to shower:

They don't seem to handle guilt the same way, either:

Dogs love to go on car rides
 & let their hair (& jowls & ears) blow in the wind:


Cats feel differently about riding in cars.
Some enjoy the opportunity to interact with strangers:

While some are afraid:

They don't like to be petted the same way, either:


Dogs do have their worries & problems:

But so do cats:









Don't forget!!  Some of my poems are in an anthology that was just published.  It's called "Old Broads Waxing Poetic".  This is the cover.  To order from Amazon, click here.


I have to go find my umbrella; the weatherman said it's going to be raining cats & dogs----fishducky