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Friday, June 22, 2018

FAIRY TALES IN 50 WORDS OR LESS (VOLUME 2) or SHORT ARTICLES FROM THE ONCEUPONA TIMES (THANKS, VAL)




Disclaimer: Some are more than 50 words.  

(Reworked from a December 2015 post.)


RUMPELSTILTSKIN


A braggart said his daughter could spin straw into gold.   (Liar, liar, pants on fire!!)  This statement was overheard by an IRS agent who, after he helped put out the sudden small flame in the man’s trousers, ran to report it to the King.  The King had her put into a tower, gave her some straw & a spinning wheel & told her to do her thing or die.  An elf came & did it for her, so she said, “Screw the King,  I’d rather be with you,” & they ran off together.






HOP O’ MY THUMB

A couple had a family of seven children, all boys, & they could never seem to get enough food for them.  The youngest boy was so small he was called Hop o’ My Thumb & he was very clever.  When he heard them say they would take all their children into the woods the next day & leave them there he called the authorities & had his parents jailed.  He then was adopted into a very wealthy family, finished public school & graduated from Harvard.  I have no idea what happened to his brothers.


(Sorry, I couldn't find a Hop o' My Thumb cartoon)



THE EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHES

There was an Emperor who was very vain, but not too bright.  He ordered some new clothes from a tailor who saw a way to make a quick buck.  He brought him some things which the Emperor couldn’t see (because they did not exist) & told him that only the finest people could see them.  The Emperor “wore” them to his coronation,where he caught a cold which developed into pneumonia & died.







BEAUTY & THE BEAST

One day a man became lost in a forest.  Seeking shelter, he came upon a dazzling palace & he entered & went to sleep.  The next morning as he was about to leave, he saw a rose garden and remembered that his daughter Belle had asked for a rose.  After picking the loveliest one he could find, the nerd was confronted by a hideous beast.  The beast told him that for taking the rose, he must die. The man begged to be set free, or at least to get a jury trial, arguing that even though roses were expensive, that price seemed way too high.   The beast agreed to let him give the rose to Belle, but only if the man would bring her back for a visit.   When they returned, the beast welcomed her and told her that if she stayed she would be mistress of the castle, and he would be her servant.  She decided he was too ugly for her, married Brad Pitt & adopted 37 children.








THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF 

There once was a shepherd boy who was bored as he sat on the hillside watching the village sheep.  To amuse himself he took a great breath and sang out, "Wolf! Wolf! The wolf is chasing the sheep!"   The villagers came running up the hill to help the boy drive the wolf away.  But when they arrived at the top of the hill, they found no wolf.  The boy laughed at the sight of their angry faces.  "Don't cry 'wolf'," said the villagers, "when there's no wolf!"   They went grumbling back down the hill.  He did it again & again the villagers cane running up the hill, saw no wolf & left.  Later, he saw a REAL wolf prowling about his flock.  Alarmed, He jumped to his feet and yelled as loudly as he could, "Wolf! Wolf!"  But the villagers thought he was trying to fool them again, and so they didn't come.  At sunset, everyone wondered why the shepherd boy hadn't returned to the village with their sheep.  They went up the hill to find the boy.  He said the wolf turned out to be friendly & he was eating a lamb chop which he claimed the wolf had shared with him.









PINOCCHIO

A woodcarver named Gepetto was very lonely & desperately wanted a son, so he carved one out of pine.  The wooden boy ate nothing, never gave him any lip & never asked to borrow the car.  Gepetto was quite satisfied.












CINDERELLA

Cinderella lived with her evil stepmother & two evil stepsisters.  She couldn’t go to the royal ball with them because she had no fancy clothes.  Her fairy godmother made her a ballgown & some glass slippers.  The slippers hurt her corns & she couldn’t wear them.  There was no way she could go to the dance barefoot, so she just stayed home.









THE PRINCESS & THE PEA


A King & Queen were looking for a Princess to marry their son.  One day a young lady who said she was a Princess came by & said that she needed a place to spend the night.  To see if she was really who she claimed to be, they put a pea on the mattress & put 20 more mattresses on top.  Once the servants helped her climb up, she slept like a log & snored like a stevedore.  The King & Queen are still looking.



THE FROG PRINCE

A beautiful Princess was walking by a lake & saw a frog, which told her that if she kissed him she would break a curse that a witch put on him & that he would turn back into the handsome Prince that he once was.  She kissed him & not only did he not turn into a Prince, from that day forward, her lips were covered with warts!!




THE GOOSE THAT LAID THE GOLDEN EGGS

A farmer and his wife had a hen that laid a golden egg every day. They supposed that the hen must contain a great lump of gold in its insides, & in order to get the gold they killed it. Having done so, they found to their surprise that the hen differed in no respect from their other hens. So they roasted it with potatoes & vegetables for a wonderful supper that evening & several days of delicious leftovers.




"I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat." ----Marcus Brigstocke (& fishducky)


 

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

FAIRY TALES IN 50 WORDS OR LESS (VOLUME 1) or SHORT ARTICLES FROM THE ONCEUPONA TIMES (THANKS, VAL)







(Reworked from a 2/2015 post.)


SLEEPING BEAUTY

Once upon a time a beautiful young girl took a bite out of an apple that had a curse on it.  She could only be awakened by the kiss of her true love.  She had been asleep for years &, of course, hadn't brushed her teeth.  Prince Charming bent over to kiss her, got a whiff of her breath & left.  She’s still asleep!!


SNOW WHITE & THE SEVEN DWARFS

While wandering through the woods, a nubile young thing came across the house where seven dwarfs lived.  She asked them if she could stay if she cleaned the house, cooked & performed other services for them.  She serviced them all & to this day, Grumpy is no longer grumpy!!




CHICKEN LITTLE

Something hit Chicken Little in the head, so she assumed the sky was falling.  She warned Ducky Lucky, Goosey Lucy & all her other friends.  On their way to tell the king the sky finished falling & killed them all!!




HUMPTY DUMPTY

A hard boiled egg was sitting on a wall & rolled off.  His shell cracked but the rest of him was still edible.  He was chopped, mixed with mayonnaise & celery & made into a delicious egg salad.




HANSEL & GRETEL

A brother & sister were walking & found a witch’s house, which was made of candy.  They ate the porch & then reported her to the building department, which made her tear it down because it wasn’t up to code.


RAPUNZEL

A lovely girl with unbelievably long hair was imprisoned in a doorless tower.  The only way someone could visit was to have her drop her hair out the window & then climb up it.  A handsome prince did that & they fell in love.  When he came back, he asked her to let her hair down so he could climb again.  She said she couldn’t because she hadn’t been able to resist the discount she was offered on a postcard from Super Cuts.  That was several years ago & her hair only now reaches her shoulders.


THE UGLY DUCKLING

One day a mother duck laid a whole bunch of eggs.  When they hatched, they were all adorable except one.  When his brothers & sisters made fun of him & called him ugly because of his long neck, he told them he was a swan & would be handsome as an adult.  When he grew up, he eventually realized he was just an ugly duck with a long neck.



THE GINGERBREAD MAN

A crazy cookie was running through the streets yelling, "Run, run, run, as fast as you can.  You can't catch me--I'm the Gingerbread Man!!"  He was wrong--& delicious!!



JACK & THE BEANSTALK

Jack, one child of a large family, took a cow into town to sell it to buy food for his many sisters & brothers.  Instead, he traded it for some magic beans which his mother angrily threw out. The next day he climbed a beanstalk which had magically grown overnight.  He encountered a giant who ate him.  Fortunately, with him gone, his mother could afford to feed the remaining children.



GOLDILOCKS

A blonde broke into the home of three bears & ate their porridge.  She then took a nap in one of their three beds.  The bears came home & found her sleeping.  They immediately called the police, who arrested her.  She had a jury trial, was found guilty of criminal trespass & is now serving 10 to 20 years in the state prison. 




































AND A POEM :

JACK AND JILL

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
They each had a buck and a quarter.
They both fell down,
And I don’t know what happened,
But Jill came home with $2.50.



Doctors say that your attention span is like a muscle that can be strengthened. I didn't read the rest of the article because I saw a shiny thing----Conan O'Brien (& fishducky)