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Wednesday, October 1, 2014

ANIMALS HAVE QUITE A SENSE OF HUMOR




A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then continues on its way. "I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to himself. 

It is a few years later and the man is at a circus back in the States. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it KNOWS him. The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?" He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving him the stare down, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face. It reaches down... picks the man up carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air... THROWS HIM, CRASHING TO THE GROUND AND STOMPS HIM TO DEATH! 


It was probably a different elephant!!



The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. 



The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. 



When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. 



When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. 

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." 

"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."




A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled. 

No one answered.
 

"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!" 



Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?" 

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
 

Did you know that many animals are accomplished musicians
& some can even accompany themselves:


                                          

Animals love to play:


And dance:

They make great babysitters:

And they're very affectionate:

And empathetic:





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If you mated a shitsu & a bulldog, would it be called a bullshit?----fishducky


 










Monday, September 29, 2014

NOW THAT I'M 80...



I had a wonderful birthday Saturday.  First was my parade:

Then we went to one of my favorite restaurants for dinner.
I thought there was just going to be me & Bud, our son Blake &
Nameless & her husband & daughter but they had planned a small party:
There were 10 of us (all my favorite people) & balloons tied to the chairs:

Matt flew in from CT.  
He called me in the afternoon & told me he was stuck 
at home & couldn't come--he totally fooled me!!  
Here's me with my 3 kids:
Nameless also wants to be faceless:

They had a cake made with my picture on it:


After dinner we went home to open the rest of my presents.
We brought the balloons with us.
That's Nameless' daughter next to her.
She looks just like her mom, doesn't she?
Here's a closeup of the balloons.
They could only find them in Spanish:


Among other things, they gave me this picture.
It's big; I think 24"x36".
It doesn't look exactly like me, but I love it!!
We hung it in our dining room:



AND NOW, THE REST OF TODAY'S POST:


 ...these (stolen borrowed from Carolyn at http://amigoingsomeplace.blogspot.com) seem appropriate:










This is George Burn's view of aging:
Here are the lyrics:

At a bar down in Dallas an old man chimed in,
And I thought he was out of his head. 
Just being a young man I just laughed it off 
When I heard what that old man had said. 

He said I'll never again turn the young ladies heads, 
Or go running off into the wind.
I'm three quarters home from the start to the end. 
And I wish I was eighteen again.

I wish I was eighteen again,
And going where I've never been.
But old folks, and old oaks
Standing tall just pretend.
I wish I was eighteen again.

Now time turns the pages 
And oh, life goes so fast.
The years turn the black hair all grey.
I talked to some young folks, 
Hey they don't understand 
The words this old man's got to say.

I wish I was eighteen again,
And going where I've never been.
But old folks and old oaks 
Standing tall, just pretend.
I wish I was eighteen again.

Lord, I wish I was eighteen again!

















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to win a free copy of
"Old Broads Waxing Poetic"




I used to be the picture of health, now I'm no longer on display----fishducky