Tuesday, March 3, 2015


(A reworked post from 2012)


In order to keep English from becoming a dead language, it must keep up with the times. Therefore, I propose adding these new definitions/adjustments to our current dictionaries. 

I've included this small section just for women:

Argument n.  A discussion that occurs when you're right & continues until he realizes it.
Blonde jokes n.  Jokes short enough for men to understand.
Cantaloupe n.  Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer n.  An appliance designed to eat socks.
Eternity n.  The last two minutes of a football game.
Park v/n.  Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere & neck".  After children, a noun meaning "a place with swings & a slide".

A sample of the rest of the dictionary:

Abasement n.  Where a furnace is located.
Abdicate n.  To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Acre n.  Someone that aches.
Arbitrator n.  A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.
Artery n.  The study of paintings.
Avoidable v.  What a toreador tries to do.

Bacteria n.  The back door of a cafeteria.
Balderdash n.  A rapidly receding hairline.
Barbarian adj.  Belonging or related to Barbara.
Barium n.  What doctors recommend when their patients die.
Benign adj.  What you be after you be eight.
Bide v.  Past tense of to buy.
Biology n.  The scientific study of the number two.
Burglarize n.  What a crook sees with.

Caesarean section n.  High rent district in Rome.
Carnation n.  A country where each citizen owns an automobile.
Catatonic n.  A feline medication.
Cat scan n.  A search for your wandering kitty.
Catacomb n.  What a feline uses to straighten its hair.
Cauterize v.  Made eye contact with her.
Circumvent n.  An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Coffee n.  The person upon whom one coughs.
Colander n.  Someone who arrives with you on the same plane.
Colic n.  A breed of sheep dog.
Counterfeiters n.  Workers who install kitchen cabinets.

Dilate n.  To live a long life.
Diode n.  Two very long poems.

Eclipse n.  What a Cockney barber does for a living.
Esplanade n.  To attempt an explanation while drunk.
Exercise n.  Her former body measurements.
Eyedropper n.  A clumsy opthalmologist.

Flabbergasted adj.  Appalled by realizing how much weight one has gained.
Flatulence n.  Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Gargoyle n.  Olive flavored mouthwash.
Goad v.  Past tense of to go.

Hamlet n.  A small pig.
Human n.  An automatic door opener for cats.

Impotent adj.  Distinguished, well known.
Incommodious n.  Unable to find a vacant bathroom in time. 
Infantry n.  Where mother birds lay their eggs.

Liquor n.  How a male animal cleans his mate.
Lymph v.  To walk with a lisp.

Malediction n.  The way men talk.
Maritime n.  The hour of a wedding. 
Medieval adj.  Not completely bad.
Myth n.  A female moth.

Negligent adj.  Absentmindedly answering the door wearing only a nightgown.
Nitrates  n.  Cheaper than day rates.
Node v.  Having prior knowledge.

Octopus  n.  A cat with eight legs.
Outpatient n.  Someone who has fainted in a doctor's office.
Oyster n.  Someone who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish phrases.

Parasites n.  What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Phony adj.  Related to telephones.

Quires n.  Instructional papers groups of singers hold while performing. 

Rectitude n.  The dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Reintarnation n.  Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Relief v.  What trees do in the spring.

Scurrilous adj.  In an excited state (normally used to describe rodents).
Season n.  Male offspring of Poseidon.
Seizure n.  An alcoholic Roman emperor.
Sudafed v.  Brought a lawsuit against a government official.
Synonym n.  A linguist's favorite spice on baked apples.
Syntax n.  A tariff on immorality.

Testicle n.  A short quiz.
Tooth adj.  The ordinal number for two.
Tumor n.  One more than one more.

Urine v/n.  (A baseball term.)  The opposite of "Yer out!"
Most definitions stolen borrowed found online at Butler Webs.

As yet, I have no entries for V-Z (or J & K, for that matter).  I am open to suggestions.

Would you believe I couldn't find a definition for "fishducky"?


Monday, March 2, 2015


...but some of them should have been cooked a little while!

(Reworked from several old posts)

I read in the paper several years ago where a young couple had a daughter they named Anesthesia.  (True.)  Probably, when she was giving birth, the doctor said, “It’s a girl!  What are you going to name her?”  She was still in pain & didn’t hear his question, so she yelled out her own need--“Anesthesia!”  What?  It could have happened that way.

My dad’s given name was Angel Kiewitsky.  He always went by the name Archie Keyes.  When I was starting college he decided to have it changed legally.  Off went our family to the courthouse.  As I recall, almost the entire conversation between the judge & my father went like this: Judge: “Your name is Angel Kiewitsky?”  AK: “Yes, Your Honor.”  Judge: “And you want it changed to Archie Keyes?”  AK: “Yes, sir.”  Judge: “I don’t blame you.  Granted.”

Far be it from me to make fun of anyone’s name—since I was born with the lovely, lilting surname of Kiewitsky—but I was watching a golf tournament on TV & saw a young golfer by the name of John Huh.  He is Asian; I believe of Korean descent.  I thought of how his life must be frighteningly like the Abbott & Costello routine, “Who’s On First?”.  How many times could someone go through this without exploding?  “What’s your name?”  “Huh.”  “I said, WHAT’S YOUR NAME?” “Huh.”  “I SAID, WHAT’S--YOUR--NAME???????????”   Maybe Kiewitsky wasn’t so bad.

While I was working as a dental assistant to a children's dentist, I had to open the door to the waiting room & call out the name of the next patient.  I looked at the card of the child who was next & I hesitated.  The child was a new patient & of some foreign nationality.  As I remember, his name was spelled Shiitte.  I called out his name but I pronounced it "Shight".  His mother corrected me & said it was pronounced "Shitty".  No further comment is necessary!!

These are REAL people--some of whom have passed away.  Whether they would have lived longer with a different name, I have no idea:

Haralambos T. Haralambos--was in the Army with Bud.
Ima Hogg--daughter of a Texas governor.
Shanda Lear--daughter of Bill Lear, inventor of the Lear Jet.

Sometimes it's not planned to be funny--some true cases in point:

Andy Friese--(pronounced "antifreeze"), a race car driver.
Dick Finder--a urologist.
Dr. & Dr. Doctor--married doctors from CT.
Dr. Look--an opthamologist
Dr. Slaughter--a surgeon.
Ernie Coli--(E. coli) owns a restaurant.
Harry Rump--a plumber.

A couple of quick notes:

"My mum was Hazel Nutt.  Her maiden name was Morrison & she married my father, Peter Nutt."

"My name was Susan Frame.  I am a lawyer.  I met & married Robert, who is a banker.  His surname is Mee.  Now we are Sue Mee, a lawyer, & Rob Mee, a banker."

Celebrities are the worst offenders.  Since they are so widely admired, I guess they think whatever they do is clever.  Here's a list of some of the "clever" ones & the names they've saddled their kids with:

Apple----Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin
Rumer/Scout/Tallulah----Bruce Willis & Demi Moore
Bronx Mowgli----Shannyn Sossamon & Dallas Clayton
Daisy Bo/ Petal Rainbow Blossom----Jamie & Juliette Oliver
Pilot Inspektor----Jason Lee & Beth Reisgraf
Kal-El (Superman's name on Krypton)----Nicolas Cage & Alice Kim
Moxie CrimeFighter/ Zolten----Penn & Emily Jillette
Sparrow James Midnight----Nicole Richie & Joel Madden
Zowie----David & Angela Bowie
Jermajesty----Jermaine Jackson
Fifi Trixibelle/ Little Pixie/ Peaches Honeyblossom----Paula Yates & Bob Geldof
Tiger Lily Heavenly Hirani----Paula Yates & Michael Hutchence
Seven Sirius----Erykah Badu & Andre 3000
Puma Sabti----Erykah Badu & The D.O.C.
Mars Merkaba----Erykah Badu & Jay Electronica
Rocket/ Racer/ Rebel/ Rogue----Robert Rodriguez & Elizabeth Avelian
Prince Michael Joseph, Jr/ Paris Michael/ Prince Michael ll----Michael Jackson
Memphis Eve/ Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q----Bono & Allison Hewson
Moon Unit/ Dweezil/ Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen/ Ahmet Emuukha Rodan----Frank Zappa
AND I can't forget George Foreman, who has 5 sons--ALL NAMED GEORGE!

I'd like to offer my suggestions for the names of the future children of celebrities. At least we'd know what they meant:

The lady pirate: Peg Legg
I'm tired: Adelaide Evening
We're renting a bathroom: The Lieutenants
Employment handbook: Ernie Living
How to break in: Jimmy DeLocke
If you don't want to buy: Lisa Carr
Female criminal: Robyn Banks
Let's eat: X. Benedict
Russian wetback: Yuri Legal
A complainer: Dawn Doothat
Stop the pain: Otis Leghertz
Breaking the law: Kermit A. Kreim
Falling underwear: Lucy Lastic
Missed the deadline: Stew Layt
To be honest: Frank Lee
A helper: Abel N. Willin
I'm fine: Howard Yew
German bank robber: Hans Zupp
Gamblers Anonymous member: Lou Zerr
Mensa man: Gene Yuss
If you don't understand: Alex Blaine Layder

Let's play with their names:
If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Tuesday Weld married Frederick March's son, she'd be Tuesday, March the Second.

If Lucille Ball married Vitus Bering (the explorer), she'd be Lucille Ball-Bering.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM) & Norbert Wiener (mathematician) she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

I wonder if Crayola has considered
making these changes?

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness----fishducky



Friday, February 27, 2015


Blogger was playing peekaboo with me Thursday, so I took this post offline & rescheduled it for Friday.  
I hope it works!!

Rihanna at 2015 Grammys

Have you ever gotten all dressed up to go to somewhere fancy & had your significant other ask you despairingly, "Are you going to wear that?"  I think these ladies would have been better off if someone had posed that question to them!!  These photos from BuzzFeed  were taken at a 2014 gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  I have not included the designer's names out of pity:
Amanda Peet

Shailene Woodley

Naomi Watts

Cara Delevingne

Chloe Grace Moretz

Gabrielle Union

Imogen Poots

Kristen Stewart

Lena Dunham

Lupita Nyong'o

Margot Robbie

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley

And it's NOT just the women:
Neil Patrick Harris, David Burtka

And some maybe rode the pendulum too far to the other side:

 Sandra Lee

Tabitha Simmons

Johnny Depp, Amber Heard

Let's not forget Cher at the 1988 Oscars:

Which seems almost modest compared to 
Miley Cyrus at an Amfar event:

Or Rihanna at the CFDA fashion awards:

This is Lady Mary Charteris in her wedding gown:

Can't decide what to wear?

To see a beautiful fashion show
with birds, instead of people

Standing in line behind an American woman at McDonald's. She's wearing those jeans, you know the ones with the patch on the back pocket that says "Guess".  I'm thinking 250, maybe 300 pounds.
A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up. So she reached behind her, lowered her zip and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reached behind her, lowered her zip a little more and tried to negotiate the step. But still the skirt was too tight. Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zip a little and attempted to climb aboard. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt, helping her on to the bus. She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner." The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!" 

To see 100 years of fashion in under 2 minutes, click here.

If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, why would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?? ----fishducky