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Friday, October 24, 2014

A MARRIAGE BLOG FOR WOMEN ONLY


MEN--DO NOT READ!!


Ladies--let's keep this our little secret!


(A reworked post from 6/17/13)

I’d like to tell you about an organization my friends & I founded a number of years ago.  There are no meetings & no dues.  No rules except that you must tell at least one woman friend about it & swear that you will never tell a man.

Reading ahead means that you agree to the terms of membership.

The organization is called “WHAM”.  That’s an acronym for WHY HUSBANDS ARE MURDERED, although in this day & age it could also mean significant other instead of husband.  Our purpose is to save women the trouble of constantly complaining about the things their husbands do--usually caused by testosterone poisoning.  In my time it meant things like, “I went to the market like you asked.  So, big deal I forgot milk, bread & eggs.  You didn’t really need them, did you?” or “I DID tell you that I accepted that invitation to that formal affair tomorrow, didn’t I?” or my personal favorite, after a day where nothing went right, the kids are screaming & you’re still in your nightgown, him coming home from work & saying, “What do you mean I didn’t tell you that I had invited my boss & his wife for dinner tonight?  Why aren’t you dressed yet?”.  God only knows what they are today.

These things are the type that do not constitute grounds for divorce, but we feel that murder would not be an inappropriate reaction.

WHAM members need only to look at another member & say “Wham!”.  The other member would answer by giving her a thumbs up & repeating “Wham!”.  This response would mean:
1--I know, honey, I’ve been there.
2--I’m so sorry.
3--What can you do?  They’re men!
4--I’d kill him if I were you.
5--Any or all of the above.

Congratulations on your new membership!

PS—The inspiration for the formation of WHAM came from a line in the play, “The Fourposter”.  After 50 years of marriage the wife is asked if she had ever thought of divorce.  Her answer--“Divorce? Never.  Murder?  Yes!”

PPS—Shortly after the forming of WHAM my youngest son was married.  At the time, he & his wife both worked for United Airlines so, of course, there were many airline employees at their reception. I told all of the female guests about our new organization & they promised to carry the word back to their many parts of the world.  I fully expected to hear some male newscaster say, “Women all across the world are giving each other the thumbs up sign & saying ’Wham!’. We’ll get back to that when we find out what the reason is.  Right now, no one will say anything.”

fishducky

President, WHAM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Poem for Women

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
 

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
 


I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and SMACKED him...
Like his Mother used to do.
Arcamax
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago, a couple was returning from their wedding in a horse & carriage. The horse stumbled & the man said, "That's one." They went a little further & the horse stumbled again. The man said, "That's two." A short time later it happened again. The man yelled "That's three!" He got out of the carriage & beat the horse to within an inch of its life. His new wife was aghast. She said, "How could you treat a poor dumb animal that way? That's the cruelest thing I've ever seen!" Her husband looked at her & said, "That's one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. 

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. 

One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. 

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you." 

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. 

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman)

 I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. (Rita Rudner)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)









Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience----Oscar Wilde (& fishducky)

 








Wednesday, October 22, 2014

WHY CHILDREN SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO DRINK UNTIL THEY’RE AT LEAST IN THE 1ST GRADE






Children below the age of 1st graders should not be permitted to drink.
They may put themselves at risk of embarrassment & even injury.

To illustrate my case here are small children after having a few drinks:

They think faces like this are a come-on:

They conduct themselves inappropriately in public:

Their depth perception is all over the place.
They cannot find food even if it’s right on their nose.
Seriously, they just can’t seem 
to get their food into their mouths:


They are totally unable to predict when they’re about to pass out:

They continually find themselves in totally inexplicable situations:

They have absolutely no coordination:

They will fall asleep anywhere. 
There is no position too uncomfortable.

They have poor impulse control:

They often fall asleep on or near toilets:

They have no sense of shame:

They often get loud & think they're the life of the party:

They are easily startled by sudden movements:

They'll do things they're not supposed to & then
blame it on the pets:


They don’t know when to stop drinking:

They often fall asleep with their shoes on:

They trip over invisible objects:

They cannot see large things that are in their way:

The smallest job becomes impossible to complete:

They’re terrible at judging distances:


Though they may be obsessed with finding something to eat...

...they often don’t make it that far:

They’re constantly hurting themselves:

They may draw on their drinking buddies’ faces when they pass out:

They can often be found with their heads in the toilet:

And they have absolutely no shame about being seen without pants on:
BuzzFeed.com

There should also be laws regarding alcohol consumption by animals:








It's important that people develop healthy eating habits:

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it----fishducky