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Tuesday, February 9, 2016

WEIRD RHYMES (SORRY FOR THIS POST, BUT YOU HAVE VERY FEW CHOICES WHEN YOU HEAR VOICES.)






The ambitious fat man was suspicious when told of a new low calorie food that was both delicious & nutritious.  If it wasn't fictitious, it could be the answer to his wishes.

My squid, Sid, hid what he did on the grid & my kid slid right off the pyramid.

The abbots hated when the nuns removed their habits & acted like rabbits.

The bowler with the broken molar has been in a stroller ever since he was run over by a steamroller.

The city committee felt pity for the itty bitty kitty because although it was witty, it was not pretty.


Jim so hated that the response to the ill-fated poem he created about being castrated was so belated & unsophisticated that it had to be updated made him so frustrated that he had to be sedated.

Don Juan, while buying fancy mustard in Saigon, told the cashier, Yvonne, "Hold on--I've got a Poupon coupon!!"

I was riding my horse through the obstacle course when, with no remorse, my husband said he wanted a divorce if I kept wearing Bermuda shorts.

What could be worse than a curse that you’ll ride in a hearse in reverse & forget your purse?

The calf made a gaffe when he started to laugh at the giraffe for drinking straight out of the carafe.

Elephants wear rubber pants when they sit on plants that have ants.

Poor Piper tried to clean a riper diaper with a windshield wiper.

The doctors were confused when the abused accused refused to be transfused.

True, Sue used glue to fix both the flue & her shoe so they looked new.

Bunny bet money that it was funny that her nose was as runny as honey even though it was sunny.

The virgin sturgeon started to burgeon so they called a surgeon.

Fred took thread to bed so he could sew up his head, which bled.

Even though he was cuter than a fluter on a scooter, the computer tutor was neuter, so he couldn’t find a suitor.

The uncouth youth left his tooth in the photo booth after drinking vermouth, & that’s the truth.

It was Kyle's style to smile to hide his guile while putting a pile of bile in the file.

In the years BC, before there was TV, an emcee by the Dead Sea, to a certain degree, would have to yell like a banshee & point to a marquee to show people what they could watch for free.

The pig took a big swig & danced a jig even as they were throwing him in the brig.

The golf star from Myanmar played way over par.  It must have left a psychological scar because he drove his car to a very far bar.  How bizarre!!

The regal eagle swooped down & grabbed both the beagle & the seagull; was that even legal?

If you can figure out how to wow a cow or sow without causing a row now, take a bow.

It was weird, but everyone feared my beard & when I had it sheared, they cheered.

The snake climbed up the rake to reach the table & partake of the steak.  Jake, the flake, had seen it, but since it was opaque, thought it was a fake.  He did a double-take & began to shake & quake.  His stomach started to ache & he was glad he didn’t also make the chocolate cake he was going to bake.














Even if my voices aren't real, they have some pretty good ideas----fishducky

 



Monday, February 8, 2016

新年快乐 GUNG HAY FAT CHOY

"Happy New Year" (in Chinese)

Today is the first day of the
Year of the Monkey


I am not Chinese; I am a Caucasian American Jew.
American Jews & Chinese have much in common & are closely knit.
Below is an official document which proves our solidarity:


The Year of the Monkey, which officially starts today, February 8, covers people born in 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992 and 2004 as well as babies born in the next 12 months.
According to Chinese zodiac, the Monkey is smart, lively and quick-witted. They are gentle and honest, but they can also be jealous and short-tempered.
But what Chinese zodiac sign are you?





The Shēngxiào literally means birth likeness and is also known in English as the Chinese zodiac.

The zodiac sign is based on the year you were born. Find your birth year and this is your zodiac star sign.
However if you were born before Chinese New Year, your star sign will be for the one for the year before. See below for the meanings.
Rat - 1900, 1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008, 2020.
Ox - 1901, 1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009, 2021.
Tiger - 1902, 1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010, 2022.
Rabbit - 1903, 1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011, 2023.
Dragon - 1904, 1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012, 2024.
Snake - 1905, 1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013, 2025.
Horse - 1906, 1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014, 2026.
Sheep - 1907, 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015, 2027.
Monkey - 1908, 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016, 2028.
Rooster - 1909, 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017, 2029.
Dog - 1910, 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018, 2030.
Boar - 1911, 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019, 2031.


Chinese Zodiac Sign Meanings

Chinese Zodiac Rat
Rat:
Element: Water
Partners well with: Dragon and Monkey
Characteristics: Intelligent, adaptable, quick-witted, charming, artistic, sociable. 
Chinese Zodiac Ox
Ox:
Element: Earth
Partners well with: Snake and Rooster
Characteristics: Loyal, reliable, thorough, strong, reasonable, steady, determined
Bull Symbolic Meaning here. 
Chinese Zodiac Tiger
Tiger:
Element: Wood
Partners well with: 
Horse and Dog
Characteristics: Enthusiastic, courageous, ambitious, leadership, confidence, charismatic
Click here for more Chinese symbolic meanings for Tiger. 
Chinese Zodiac Rabbit
Rabbit:
Element: Wood
Partners well with: Sheep and Boar
Characteristics: Trustworthy, empathic, modest, diplomatic, sincere, sociable, caretakers. More on Rabbit meanings here. 
Chinese Zodiac Dragon
Dragon:
Element: Earth
Partners well with: Rat and Monkey
Characteristics: Lucky, flexible, eccentric, imaginative, artistic, spiritual, charismatic
More on Chinese Dragon Symbolism here. 
Chinese Zodiac SnakeSnake:
Element: Fire
Partners well with: Rooster and Ox
Characteristics: Philosophical, organized, intelligent, intuitive, elegant, attentive, decisive
Symbolism of Snake here. 
Chinese Zodiac Symbol Horse
Horse:
Element: Fire
Partners well with: Dog and Tiger
Characteristics: Adaptable, loyal, courageous, ambitious, intelligent, adventurous, strong 
(see also Horse symbolic meanings. 
Chinese Zodiac Symbol Sheep
Sheep:
Element: Earth
Partners well with: Boar and Rabbit
Characteristics: Tasteful, crafty, warm, elegant, charming, intuitive, sensitive, calm 
Chinese Zodiac Monkey Symbol
Monkey:
Element: Metal
Partners well with: Dragon and Rat
Characteristics: Quick-witted, charming, lucky, adaptable, bright, versatile, lively, smart. More on Monkey symbolism here. 
Chinese Zodiac Rooster
Rooster:
Element: Metal
Partners well with: Snake and Ox
Characteristics: Honest, energetic, intelligent, flamboyant, flexible, diverse, confident. For more information on Rooster Symbol meanings, click here. 
Chinese Zodiac Dog
Dog:
Element: Earth
Partners well with: Tiger and Horse
Characteristics: Loyal, sociable, courageous, diligent, steady, lively, adaptable, smart 
Chinese Zodiac Boar
Boar:
Element: Water
Partners well with: Sheep and Rabbit
Characteristics: Honorable, philanthropic, determined, optimistic, sincere, sociable





Be careful when you get a tattoo:
 














新年快乐----鱼鸭子 (If my translator wasn't playing games with me, that says "Happy New Year----fishducky")

 





Friday, February 5, 2016

THIS COUPLE WILL CELEBRATE THEIR 122ND ANNIVERSARY TOMORROW

This is our wedding photo taken February 6, 1955:  
That's only 61 years ago, you say?
True, but it's our 122nd anniversary; we've each served our time!!

This is us today:















This is (hopefully) not us:


Remember, marriage is nature's way of keeping people from fighting with strangers!!



Wife: "What are you doing?" 

Husband : "Nothing." 

Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." 


Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
-----------------------------------------

After 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. 

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach. 

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. 

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?" 

"I found the remote," he said.

ajokeaday.com


Why is this picture of a Purple Heart here?


Because I awarded it to Bud after ten years 
of marriage as an anniversary gift.
It reads "For Marital Merit Bud 2-6-65".
It is given to people wounded in combat.
He deserved it!!



This is the video our kids made for us last year:

Sorry, wrong video!!
To see ours, click here. 

It's usually best to stay married to your first  spouse because:

I figured I couldn't improve on the anniversary post I wrote last year ("WILL YOU STILL LOVE ME WHEN I'M OLD & FAT?  DARLING, OF COURSE I DO!!") so here it is again, in its entirety (including the cartoons):

                                                    HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO US!!

(As we've already done!!)






Today is our 60th anniversary.  I guess our marriage is going to last, but I have to admit my husband shook me up several years ago.  The kids were small & had gone to bed.  Bud was working on something in his home office & I was watching a special on TV about divorce & how so many women found it difficult to cope afterwards.  I went into his office & said, “We’re never going to get a divorce, are we?”  He immediately answered, “NO!!”  I asked him how he could answer so quickly.  He showed me our financial statement (which is what he had been working on) & said, “Because I can’t live on half of this!!”  For years, on the rare occasions when things would get uncomfortable between us after that, I would remind him of his comment.  One day I did just that & he whipped out a NEW financial statement & proclaimed, “Be careful--I CAN live on half of this!!”

My vision of us riding together
into the sunset of our lives:

Bud's vision:


My husband met the rabbi who married us on the street.  He told Bud he’s not a rabbi anymore.  He’s in real estate.  Bud says that if he’s an ex-rabbi, that would make him my ex-husband.  Another time, my wedding ring, which had been soldered to my engagement ring, broke off.  He claimed that automatically reverted us back to being engaged.  He's a lawyer & he should know.  Do you think he’s trying to tell me something?

I wrote this to my husband on his 80th birthday:

Happy birthday, Honey!!

You’re almost impossible to shop for, so I decided to write you this letter on this, your 80th birthday. 

We started dating when I was 15. It’s difficult (damn near impossible) for me to remember when you weren’t a part of my life. I’m so glad I decided to invite you instead of Earl to my Sweet Sixteen party. My life would have turned out so differently--& not nearly as GOOD!!

You have been with me & stood by me through thick (we have both gotten a little thicker!!) & thin. We have laughed & cried together many times—but mostly, we have laughed!! You have taken me around the world—but I always found my way home!! You have given me a loving--& lovely home (& someone to clean it). You have given me three beautiful children & through them, their spouses & our four marvelous grandchildren. You have allowed me to be myself!!

I thank you for this wonderful life we have had together & I’m looking forward to more.

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I COULD EVER SAY!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then there’s the couple who were celebrating their 27th anniversary.  He gives her a beautiful bouquet of roses.  She looks at them & asks him why there are only 23 flowers.  He tells her there’s one for every good year of their marriage.  She smiles sweetly & tells him that she understands.  She then removes two roses from the bouquet & drops them in the wastebasket.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, “If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” 

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.”

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked. '”Who are you? “

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh, yeah?” the man asked “And where the hell were you when I got married?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage the husband said, "We take the time to go out two times a week for a candlelight dinner, soft music and a night of love in a nice hotel.  She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s a couple’s 50th wedding anniversary and to celebrate, their son invites the family to an anniversary dinner at his house. During the evening, he gets very emotional every time he hears his dad call his mom by such endearing terms as ‘darling’, ‘sweetheart’ and ‘my love". It’s clear to him that his parents are still very much in love. While his mother is out the room, he goes over to his father, kisses him and quietly says, "Dad, I’m so pleased for you both. I think it's fantastic that after 50 years you’re still calling mom by those loving pet names." 

His father, looking very embarrassed, says, "Things are not always what they seem to be, son. I must tell you the truth--I forgot your mother’s name about 5 years ago."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
On their 25th anniversary, their son goes to his parent's house.  He finds his father in the bathroom, crying.  The son says, "Don't be ashamed of crying, Dad.  I know how you must be overwhelmed by having such a wonderful wife for 25 years."  His father says, "You don't understand.  On our wedding night, I got so mad at your mother that I tried to kill her.  I only stopped when she told me that if I killed her, they'd put me in prison for 25 years.  I would have been a free man today!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know this is a long post, but we've had a long marriage.  Susan at I Think Therefore I Yam recently sent this & there was no way I could not include it:

WHAT I WANT IN A MAN

 Original List: (age 20)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 30)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 

What I Want in a Man,  Revised List (age 40)
1.  Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10.  Shaves most weekends

What I Want in  a Man, Revised List (age 50)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Can tow a Caravan
4. Can cook a BBQ
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Appreciates a good TV dinner
7. Helps with the housework

What I Want in a Man,  Revised List (age 60)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where I have put things
3. Can still tow a van without causing chaos on the road
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Doesn't notice my facial hair and wrinkles
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Stops trying to tell jokes 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (today, age 80)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
3. Remembers where we both live


You might enjoy this song about "senior" love.


I found this on River's blog & had to include it:


Should I give Bud this card?















  


Tomorrow, February 6, is National Lame Duck Day.  The best example of a "lame duck" is an incumbent politician who lost in the previous election.  If you are an actual duck & you are lame, seek immediate medical attention----fishducky