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Friday, April 18, 2014

THE DENTIST AND THE DRAGONS

Important (to me) notice: Starting next week, I'm cutting back a little on posting.  I'm eliminating Wednesday's post--I will post on Mondays & Fridays only!!




Little Penelope Whatshername was at one of her least favorite places in the world; the dentist’s office.  Dr. Shinyteeth’s nurse had just fastened the bib around Penny’s neck and told her he would be in in a minute.  Penny thought, “Why do I need a bib when I come here?  They must think I’m a baby.  I hate going to the dentist!  I wish he would just go away and live with the dragons and take all of his instruments with him.  If I wish very hard, maybe he will.”  And she wished and wished with all of her might.

At that very moment, Dr. Shinyteeth was just coming into the room, and he disappeared!  (Did you know that when little children wish for something as hard as they can, they get their wish?  It’s true.)  He reappeared in a forest in the middle of a dragon family.  They all seemed to be very concerned with the smallest dragon, who was holding his mouth.  He was moaning and groaning and spitting fire.

Dr. Shinyteeth was a very nice man.  Instead of running to hide behind a tree or a big rock, as most of us would do, he asked the dragons if he could be of any help to their child, who was obviously in pain.  The mother of the poor little suffering dragon told him, “No, but it’s extremely kind of you to offer.  Junior has a very bad toothache and, as you know, nothing can be done for it.  We’ll just have to wait until it falls out.”  He told them that he was a dentist and that this was right up his alley.  Momma dragon asked him what a dentist was, and also asked, “What’s an alley?”

He explained that a dentist was someone who kept teeth in good shape and also told them what an alley was.  They didn’t have an appointment but this being a special case, he would see the little dragon right away.  Junior sat down and the dentist asked him to open his mouth.  Out came more fire!  Dr. Shinyteeth jumped out of the way and spoke to the momma dragon, who then said to her son, “Try not to blow fire, sweetheart.  We don’t want to burn the nice man.” 

He fixed Junior’s sore tooth and cleaned all of the little dragon’s teeth.  He even cleaned the teeth of all the other dragons who were there.  He told them that to keep from getting toothaches they should brush twice a day.  Since they didn’t have toothbrushes, they could just break off a piece of a brush or a tree and use that.  They were very grateful and Junior even gave him a big hug.

About this time, Penny was feeling guilty for wishing the dentist away.  “After all,” she thought, “He is a very nice person and he just wants to help me.”  She wished him back.  While he was cleaning her teeth, he said, “I must have dozed off for a second while I was coming into the room” and he told her about the dinosaurs.  “Silly dream, wasn’t it?  By the way, you have no cavities!  Keep up the good work and I’ll see you in six months.  Help yourself to something out of the toy box.”

Penny thanked Dr. Shinyteeth and gave him a big hug, just like Junior.  She then went to the toy box where she picked out a little stuffed dinosaur.  It seemed appropriate.  













HAPPY EASTER!!




When the dentist tells you to spit, he means into the bowl!!----fishducky

 


Wednesday, April 16, 2014

BENNY THE BEETLE


Important (to me) notice: Starting next week, I'm cutting back a little on posting.  I'm eliminating Wednesday's post--I will post on Mondays & Fridays only!!



Once upon a time there was an elephant named Shirley (sorry, wrong story) a beetle named Benny.  He was very sad because he didn’t have a girlfriend.  He was very handsome, for a bug, so he had lots of dates, but he just couldn’t find his soulmate.  
 
He joined an online dating service (doesdatingbugyou.com) and they matched him with several interesting ladybugs and other bugs that were ladies, but some of them were not too ladylike.  He brought them flowers and they ate them.  He would take them out to dinner in a neighborhood tree, and after they had finished their leaves, some of them tried to have him for dessert!  There was this really cute potato bug named Petunia, but whenever he touched her, she rolled into a ball.

Benny was desperate.  His friends felt sorry for him and sent him on many blind dates.  One was with Cathy Cockroach.  She was much too tough for him and her tattoos put him off and besides, her table manners were gross.  Betty Bedbug slept through their whole date.  Belinda Bumblebee and Sally Scorpion had such bad tempers that they frightened him, and to make things even scarier, they had built-in weapons!  He couldn’t even have a conversation with Christine Cricket; she just kept rubbing her legs together and saying, “It’s so hot in here!”  Wendy Walking Stick was anorexic.  Barbara Black Widow had already been married sixteen times and, amazingly, all of her husbands had died on their wedding night!  Benny didn’t want to be number seventeen.  Patti Praying Mantis was apparently a Jehovah’s Witness.  She kept trying to convert him.  Celine Centipede was four hours late for their date.  It took her that long just to get her shoes on!  There was absolutely no privacy to be had with Gladys Glow Worm.  Every time he tried to kiss her, she turned her light on.

His date with Millie Moth didn’t work out, either, but they did become close friends.  She introduced him to her cousin, Calista Caterpillar, and then sadly flew headfirst into a light.  Calista wasn’t very good looking at the time, even for a bug, but Benny thought she was special.  After a few marvelous dates, he asked her to marry him and she accepted his proposal.  She told him that she had to go away for a while because it was time for her to pupate.  She promised him that she would be back and then they could marry.  He said that he would wait forever, if it was necessary.

Benny was sad and lonely without Calista, the love of his life.  One day he was crawling through the forest and he heard someone call his name.  He looked up to see a gorgeous butterfly, but he didn’t recognize her.  She said, “It’s me, Benny, your Calista.  I’m back!  While I was pupating, I had a complete makeover so I could be beautiful for you.”  She fluttered to the ground and wrapped her wings around him and they lived happily ever after.











 





Monday, April 14, 2014

THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULDN’T

Important (to me) notice: Starting next week, I'm cutting back a little on posting.  I'm eliminating Wednesday's post--I will post on Mondays & Fridays only!!


More fairy tales this week!

A little railroad engine was employed at a station yard for some light work moving a few cars on and off the switches.  One morning it was waiting for the next call when a long train of freight cars asked a large engine in the roundhouse to take it over the hill.  

The first engine that it asked said, "Sorry, there are too many cars for me!"  Then the train asked another engine, and another, only to hear excuses like “Union rules won’t let me, it’s too heavy,” “Today’s my day off,” and one even said, “I would, but I threw my back out “.

In desperation, the freight train asked the little engine if it could pull it up the grade and down on the other side.  "I think I can," puffed the little locomotive, and put itself in front of the great heavy train.  As it went on the little engine kept bravely puffing faster and faster and said to itself, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."

As it neared the top of the grade, which had so discouraged the larger engines, it went more slowly.  However, it still kept climbing and saying, "I think I can, I think I can."  It reached the top by using all its muscles and being very brave.  It then went on down the grade, feeling very pleased until it started sliding down.  No matter how hard the engineers pressed on their brakes, neither train could stop.  There was a tremendous crash! They soon lay in a mangled heap at the bottom of the hill.
 
The other trains rushed over and asked him what on earth had happened.  He said, "I thought I could, I thought I could, but I just couldn’t.  I gave it a really good try, though!”

Today's post was really short,
so here are lots of cartoons:











 






As Adam Savage says on “Mythbusters”, “I reject your reality & substitute my own.”----fishducky

 



Friday, April 11, 2014

AN OPEN LETTER TO HER MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH II OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND


(One of my first posts--June, 2012)


Dear Liz,

I’m sorry I haven’t written for a while, but things have been a bit hectic here.  You know how that can get!  Since we are so close, I hope you can clear up a few questions that my friends & I have.

Your mommy died in 2002.  You have my sympathy.  Is there someone else who now holds the position of “Person in Charge of Dressing the Queen Funny”?  You always wear a hat—in this day & age, it is not necessary.  Someone said that you have so many hats you must have a special castle to keep them in.  She called it the “Chapeau Chateau”.
 “Rumble in the Jungle” 

 “Robin Hood”

 “Alice in Wonderland” 

  A gold lame schmata? 

A lot of people think their dogs are
special, too, but they haven’t crowned them.

  I like this one—it goes with the dress.


Maybe you should put your hat back on!

I'm not one to criticize,
but it looks like you got dressed in a big hurry.
Your face is upside down!
         
          And you’re constantly carrying a purse.  Why?  I’m pretty sure you’re never carded.  I don’t mean to be insulting, but I would never take you for being under 21.  Do you need to have your driver’s license with you to cash a check or in case one of the carriage horses breaks a leg & you don’t feel like walking home, so you have to rent a car?  Do you make sure when you go out that you have the keys to the castle with you?  (I guess it would be embarrassing to have to climb through a royal window.)  Doesn’t your Lady-in-Waiting carry tissues?  Your lipstick?  Altoids?  Don’t tell me you’re a secret smoker!

Surely you don’t need a purse at a casual occasion like this!
           
            I understand that you have an employee whose sole job is to pull your chair into or out from under the dining table when you wish to be seated or stand up.  I further understand that once, at a state dinner, you stood & then leaned forward to speak to a guest.  He had already pulled out your chair when you decided to sit down again.  He failed to read your mind & you sat down—on a chair that wasn’t there!  Your Royal Bottom (or “bum” as they say on your side of the pond) came in contact with the floor.  Bud plays these little jokes on me all the time.  Please do NOT write me to say this is not true.  I like the story & will continue to believe it.

            I have it on very good authority (digitaljournal.com) that your grandsons, William & Harry, once changed the outgoing message on your phone to say, “Hey, wassup?” & that they also put this message on your answering machine: “This is Liz.  Sorry I’m away from the throne.  For a hotline to Philip, press one.  For Charles, press two.  And for the corgis, press three.”  This is why I’m reluctant to have my grandchildren touch my cell phone.

              This story about you & President Reagan is making the rounds.  Is it true?

       The Queen of England decides she wants a Kentucky thoroughbred in the royal stable, so she calls President Reagan, who decides to meet her in Lexington, Kentucky.  When they get there, they decide to go for a ride.

       They're just pulling out of the barn when the Queen's horse's tail goes up and "Lbbttt!" — out comes a monstrous fart.  The Queen says, "I'm so embarrassed!"  Reagan says, "You shouldn't be! I thought it was the horse!"

            Even though you are the Queen of England, it’s nice to know that in your heart of hearts, you’re just a normal person:
 I thought the proper etiquette 
was to remove one’s glove first.
           
            Everything is as well as can be expected here.  I’ll write if I find work.  Hope all is well with you & Phil.  Say “Hi” to those zany kids of yours for me & give the puppies a kiss.  xoxoxo----fishducky
         PS—It might be a good idea to tone down that “I’m the richest person in the world” attitude a tad—just sayin’:

                      

               PPS--Have you ever thought of playing Helen Mirren in a movie?  I think you’d be great!\