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Friday, September 23, 2016

LAWS (& LAWYERS) ARE LUDICROUS




(Reworked from a June, 2014 post.)


Bud has been retired from his successful law practice for many years now.  One of his first clients was a woman who was accused of shoplifting.  Her defense was that while she was walking past the meat counter in a supermarket, some lamb chops jumped into her purse.  With much difficulty (& the surveillance photos), he finally convinced her to plead guilty.  He also had a client who (allegedly) wrote a series of bad checks.  He got her off, but he wasn’t stupid.  He insisted she pay him in cash!!
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A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." 

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won!! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. 

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TRUE COURTROOM HUMOR:

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? 
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated? 

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. 

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair. 

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about. 

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months 
November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was 
August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time? 

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times. 

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.


Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died? 

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?

A. Because he was argumentitary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words. 

The following are from rinkworks.com:



Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."


Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

 Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."

Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

Sometimes we don't even need an answer:

Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

Accused, defending his own case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The DA stared at the jury, unable to believe the "not guilty" verdict he'd just heard. Bitterly, he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?" 

The foreman answered, "Insanity." 

The attorney responded, still incredulous, "I could understand that. But, all twelve of you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it".  And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "For the love of God, woman, don't you ever stop?"












In case you can't read the above cartoon, it says:

In the future, please say "I object"
rather than "That's total bullshit."




READ CAROL WYER'S BOOK!! Click here.

To paraphrase Will Rogers, Carol Wyer has never written a book I didn't like. After reading "TAKE A CHANCE ON ME" (previously titled “THREE LITTLE BIRDS”) that statement stands intact. I was charmed by Charlie (after she fell in love with life) and absolutely adored her paraplegic friend, Mercedes, and her neighbor, Bert the bird. I'm 81 years old and have led a very full life. I've crossed everything off my bucket list including flying in a zero gravity plane like the astronauts, but Ms. Wyer has got me thinking that I might be able to add something else. This book says to me that life is to be lived!!







In West Virginia a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath----Conan O'Brien (& fishducky)


 


Thursday, September 22, 2016

THE IDEA FOR THIS POST CAME TO ME STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BLUE


 


First thing today is a quick test for you.
Warning: It's harder than it looks!! 


Have you ever noticed how color colors our lives?
We assign colors to many things that actually have no color at all, such as:



To be green
Used to describe someone who is immature, or inexperienced.


Give someone the green light / get the green light
When someone receives, or is given, permission to go ahead with something.


Tickled pink
To be very pleased, thrilled or delighted about something.


To be in the red
To have an overdraft, be in debt to your bank, or owe an institution some money.
A red flag
A signal that something is not working properly or correctly.
Red herring
An unimportant matter that misleads everyone and draws attention away from the main subject.
Red-eye
A journey that leaves late at night and arrives early in the morning.
Paint the town red
Celebrate.


Blue pencil
To censor something, or limit the information that is shared.
Blue blood
Used to describe someone from a noble, aristocratic or wealthy family.
Talking a blue streak
When someone talks very much and very rapidly.
Feeling blue
When someone looks or feels depressed or discontented.
Talk until you're blue in the face
To try really hard to win someone’s agreement, but usually end unsuccessfully.
True blue 
Loyal & faithful.

To whitewash something
To cover up or gloss over faults or wrongdoings
A white lie
A ‘little’ or ‘harmless’ lie told in order to be polite and avoid hurting someone’s feelings, or do something that is not seriously wrong
White collar
A term used for office workers that traditionally wear white shirts with a collar.



And, of course, black:
Black eye
A bruise near one’s eye
Black out
Either darken by putting out or dimming the lights or to lose consciousness.
Black market
A term used for places where goods are illegally bought and sold for a profit.
Blackball
To exclude or ostracize someone socially, reject them
Blacklist
To write someone’s name on a list if they break any rules, and ban them from having the opportunity to take part again.



Blackmail 
Getting things by threat.
Black sheep
A person who is the ‘odd one out’ of a group.
(myenglishteacher.eu)



Some colorblind people can see colors with EnChroma glasses:























I think I showed you my true colors----fishducky

 


Wednesday, September 21, 2016

HOW BAD CAN IT BE?







(I've run a little of this before, but most of it is new.)

I was in my car, alone, on a long road trip.  I was getting really hungry but nothing looked great so I stopped at a restaurant that looked just so-so.  I asked myself, “How bad can it be?”  I found out!!

When Sizzler Restaurants first opened, they didn’t have waiters.  You picked up your own food & brought it to your table.  I used to go there fairly often for dinner with the kids if my husband was working late.  Normally, they had no problem in getting our orders correct.  This particular night was another story.  I have 3 children & 2 of their orders were wrong.  I didn’t find out the second was wrong until I returned to the table with the first corrected order, so back I went.  I came back to discover that mine was wrong, too!  I didn’t have either the energy or the patience to make a third trip, so I asked my 8 year old son, who by then had finished his meal, to do it for me.  I waited, in my red pants-suited splendor, for him to return.  When he did, he told me the cook asked him, “Is your mother wearing red?”

Years ago at an IHOP I got into a shouting match/argument with a waitress.  Now I can't remember why, but I do remember that I didn't leave her a tip!!

On one of our early trips to Hawaii, probably around 1968, we went to dinner at Michel’s at the Colony Surf Hotel.  Our friends had told us it was wonderful.  It was quite upscale--& expensive.  It was one of the very few places in Hawaii where men were required to wear a tie.  We got there a few minutes before our reservation time & waited--& waited.  When we were finally seated, we waited to get a menu.  Then we waited to place our orders.  When the food came, the orders were wrong.  There were chiefs all around, but no Indians.  We couldn’t get anyone’s attention.  The maître d’ was making a brief stop at every table.  When he got to ours, he smiled & asked, “How is everything?”  I replied honestly, “Terrible!”  He smiled again, said, “Thank you” & went on to the next table.  Bud & I sat there with our mouths hanging open.  I googled it—it’s still in operation.  I can only assume they've replaced the maître d’, the chef & the waitstaff.

We were at a very upscale restaurant & when we checked in the receptionist asked us if we were celebrating anything.  Bud's reply:  "Only that we can afford to eat here!!"

When we had the beach condo in Port Hueneme, a small group of us used to go out to breakfast on Saturdays.  We were at a diner in Ventura & I ordered chicken (country) fried steak.  I asked that there be no gravy on the plate, just in a small bowl on the side.  (I don't like too much gravy on it.)  When it arrived, it was absolutely smothered in gravy.  I sent it back & when I got it again, the cook had apparently washed off the gravy!!  I didn't eat it but I was afraid to send it back again.

My friend, Barbara, can’t handle food that’s too spicy.  We went out for breakfast to a place where we had eaten before.  Barbara wanted sausage--they offered both link & patty--& she remembered that one was spicier than the other, but she couldn’t remember which.  She asked the waitress the difference between the two sausages.  She was told that the link was long, like a cigar, & the patty was sort of like a hamburger.  Scary—this woman is allowed to drive, vote & reproduce!!  Even scarier—she probably went home & told her family that she’d had some customers who were so stupid that they didn’t know the difference between link & patty sausage.

I had been on a diet for a long time & decided it was time to give myself a treat.  I loved H. Salt fish & chips so I loaded the kids in the car & drove to the local franchise.  The kids got their orders & I was told it would be a few minutes wait for mine.  After ten to fifteen minutes I was called to the counter to pick up my order; two pieces of fish & some french fries.  One of the pieces was stone cold & the other was hot.  I went back to the counter & told the girl what was wrong.  She said she couldn't exchange it because I had taken a bite.  I asked her how I could have known it was cold without taking a bite since I don't normally stick my finger in my food to test for temperature. We argued & I asked to speak to the manager.  I was told he was out & would be back in about twenty minutes.  I waited.  By then, I was too angry to want any fish so I asked him for a refund.  He told the clerk to give me one.  She threw the money at me & asked if I was happy now.  I told her no; that I also wanted the tax.  She threw that at me, too!!  I wrote their parent corporation (Kentucky Fried Chicken) & complained.  They apologized & gave me coupons for lots of KFC.












My suggestion for getting good service at a restaurant; ask for a table by the waiter----fishducky