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Friday, March 27, 2015

NEVER BELIEVE ANYONE WHO SAYS, "THIS IS GOING TO HURT ME MORE THAN IT HURTS YOU" ( A PAINFUL POST)




While trying (unsuccessfully) to make a left turn I got T-boned by another car.  The paramedics (Are ALL paramedics cute?   It may be a job requirement.) thought I had two broken wrists.  It turned out only one was actually broken.  I now have a 7” plate in my arm.  My new Mustang, which had less than 1,000 miles on it, suffered extensive damage.  It’s all better now.  The paramedics caused me more (mental) pain than the accident did.  They took scissors & cut off my brand new black leather jacket.  I loved that jacket!   I’d bought it in a consignment shop, but it was new to me. 
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I broke my arm last April (I fell down in my hallway) & it didn't heal properly, so until very recently I wasn't able to pull up my own underwear without a great deal of pain.  My son, my husband & I were talking about online dating.  I said I should put my name out there with the description, "Old broad who can't pull up her own underwear." Blake thought that should get me several hits!!
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"My dad's a writer. His favorite expression is 'The pen's mightier than the sword,' which I believed for a long time. Until I moved into the city, and I got into a fight with this guy. He cut me up real bad, and I drew a mustache on his face...and then I wrote him a nasty letter." --Kevin Brennan
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 "I love my dentist. He has an X ray of his family in the waiting room." --Robert G. Lee
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How long can insects live without their heads?

Some insects, after their head is severed, may live for as much as a year. They react automatically to light, temperature, humidity, chemicals, and other stimuli.  We all know some people like that, don't we?
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Not really, since they actually don't have a central nervous system, which in effect, is the brain. So there is no pain reflex such as humans have. If lobsters felt pain that acutely, they would hardly amputate or spontaneously drop their claws, both of which have been observed by researchers.
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The little toe: completely useless except to remind you that your pain sensory receptors still work.
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Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner

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A childbirth instructor says it's not pain that women feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.


Has anyone besides me had the urge during childbirth to yell, "Get this thing out of me!!"?  (It still counts if you yelled the same thing nine months earlier.)

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A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken index finger."
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I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. --George Carlin
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. --Emo Phillips
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A man has been in a lot of pain, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. 

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." 

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?" 

"Ten," the doctor says sadly. 

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten years? Months? Weeks? What?" 

"Nine..." 



Have you ever had sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia?
I bet you have!!
Click here to find out why.

Some of them have had it.
Click here to see who I mean.

How an actor prepares himself to show pain:














If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong----fishducky









Thursday, March 26, 2015

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?






















Perhaps the best response to the question “What are you thinking?” was offered on "Married With Children" by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
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I was recently in the office of a doctor I hadn’t seen before.  His office was small & had several paintings hanging in the waiting room.  They were all signed by the same person & judging by their poor quality, it was my guess they were done by his wife.  Having them there would be a positive thing for his marriage, but not so much for his patients.  I’m glad he didn’t ask how I liked them!! 
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Don’t Assume You Know What Someone’s Thinking Dept.:
Part 1

An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?" 

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law. 

"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."
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Don’t Assume You Know What Someone’s Thinking Dept.:
Part 2

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus & sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says, 'You go up there & tell him off.”  She thinks about how nice the man is & says that she’s going to do just that.  The man says, “Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
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A man comes to a woman’s house a little early to pick her up for their blind date.  She lets him in & asks him to wait in the living room while she finishes getting ready.  He notices several paintings (by an obviously untalented artist) & is intently studying them when she walks in.  She sees him looking at the “art” & says, “Do you like them?  I painted all of them myself.”  He blurts out without thinking, “Oh, thank heaven!  I was afraid you’d bought them!”  I have no idea how their date went.
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They even have a game about it:

In case you want to understand how your child thinks:










Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside----fishducky

 







Wednesday, March 25, 2015

A DOG NAMED SEX



(I wish I could take credit for this, but it was written by Morty Storm)
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex." He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one too!"
Then, I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then, I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny; I have the same problem."
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."
Then, I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up Friday.


Some more funny stuff:




 














If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy----fishducky














Tuesday, March 24, 2015

ONE VENTI HALF-CAFF NON-FAT SOY LATTE, PLEASE



(Where my title came from.)

This man’s Starbucks cup doodles would brighten up anyone’s day!!

(source: BuzzFeed)

Josh Hara is a creative director at a marketing agency in Columbus, Ohio, but he’s also a dab hand at doodling.  He’s hit upon a way of combining his hobby with his love of coffee. The blank parts of his Starbucks takeaway cups have become his canvas for what he’s called the #100CoffeeCups project on Twitter and Instagram.  “I started doing this back in February. I get a Starbucks coffee every single day, and for a long time I’d been noticing how pristine that blank panel of the cup was.”

Josh, who has been drawing cartoons since he was a kid, said he always wanted to draw for a living.  “But having been full aware of how competitive that landscape was, coupled with the strong desire to be able to afford the occasional hot meal, I ended up making more practical choices with my career. But I’ve never stopped making them. And thanks to my daily Starbucks intake, I probably never will.”

So far, Josh hasn't had any response from Starbucks about his drawings--at least, not officially.  “I did connect with someone on their social media team after they started printing their “Barista promise” right smack dab in the middle of the best part of the cup. He was kind enough to locate a sleeve of the old cups and Fedexed them to me.”

I, personally, am not a Starbucks aficionado,
but I might be if they served it in these cups!!

Here’s one of his latest cartoons,
an ode to Kim Kardashian:


 Below is some more of Josh’s work:












And my personal favorite:

And some other funny stuff:








As Escher sees Starbucks:


You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, wait, I take that back!!----fishducky