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Monday, April 21, 2014

THINGS YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE KNOWN




Some of you (like my husband) claim you know everything.  It's just possible you're wrong. Below are many things you probably didn't know:


In the human body, which organ is in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: “I should be in charge, because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the heart, “because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “because I process food & give all of you energy.”

“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum & insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated & the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don’t have to be smart or important to be in charge… any as***le can do it.
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You already know that many words have more than one meaning.  For instance, "tear".  It means to rip something, to go fast & it's also that liquid that comes out of your eye when you cry.  Joe (crankyoldman.blogspot.com) sent me this list of some other words with their new definitions, which you may not know:

Eight words with two meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee)n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2.  VULNERABLE (vul-ner-a-bul) n.
Female: Fully opening oneself emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shun) n.
Female: the open sharing of thoughts  & feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married & raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression and/or male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) v.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (rii-moht kon-trol) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 TV channels every 5 minutes.
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Reasons the earth rotates:


The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. 


Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This helps the earth to spin on its axis.



Other little known facts you probably don't know:

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost "r's" migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."


Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age--as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

The best way to forget all your other troubles is to wear tight shoes.
 
The older you get 
the tougher it is to lose weight because, by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
 
You should give up jogging for your health if your thighs keep rubbing together and setting your panties on fire.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. 

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat... that's bad for you!
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Susan (susan-swiderski.blogspot.com)sent me these two.
They might work:


I couldn't find any cartoons, 
but I did find other interesting 
(to me, anyway) stuff:








 









A Passover cartoon for you:


 














Friday, April 18, 2014

THE DENTIST AND THE DRAGONS

Important (to me) notice: Starting next week, I'm cutting back a little on posting.  I'm eliminating Wednesday's post--I will post on Mondays & Fridays only!!




Little Penelope Whatshername was at one of her least favorite places in the world; the dentist’s office.  Dr. Shinyteeth’s nurse had just fastened the bib around Penny’s neck and told her he would be in in a minute.  Penny thought, “Why do I need a bib when I come here?  They must think I’m a baby.  I hate going to the dentist!  I wish he would just go away and live with the dragons and take all of his instruments with him.  If I wish very hard, maybe he will.”  And she wished and wished with all of her might.

At that very moment, Dr. Shinyteeth was just coming into the room, and he disappeared!  (Did you know that when little children wish for something as hard as they can, they get their wish?  It’s true.)  He reappeared in a forest in the middle of a dragon family.  They all seemed to be very concerned with the smallest dragon, who was holding his mouth.  He was moaning and groaning and spitting fire.

Dr. Shinyteeth was a very nice man.  Instead of running to hide behind a tree or a big rock, as most of us would do, he asked the dragons if he could be of any help to their child, who was obviously in pain.  The mother of the poor little suffering dragon told him, “No, but it’s extremely kind of you to offer.  Junior has a very bad toothache and, as you know, nothing can be done for it.  We’ll just have to wait until it falls out.”  He told them that he was a dentist and that this was right up his alley.  Momma dragon asked him what a dentist was, and also asked, “What’s an alley?”

He explained that a dentist was someone who kept teeth in good shape and also told them what an alley was.  They didn’t have an appointment but this being a special case, he would see the little dragon right away.  Junior sat down and the dentist asked him to open his mouth.  Out came more fire!  Dr. Shinyteeth jumped out of the way and spoke to the momma dragon, who then said to her son, “Try not to blow fire, sweetheart.  We don’t want to burn the nice man.” 

He fixed Junior’s sore tooth and cleaned all of the little dragon’s teeth.  He even cleaned the teeth of all the other dragons who were there.  He told them that to keep from getting toothaches they should brush twice a day.  Since they didn’t have toothbrushes, they could just break off a piece of a brush or a tree and use that.  They were very grateful and Junior even gave him a big hug.

About this time, Penny was feeling guilty for wishing the dentist away.  “After all,” she thought, “He is a very nice person and he just wants to help me.”  She wished him back.  While he was cleaning her teeth, he said, “I must have dozed off for a second while I was coming into the room” and he told her about the dragons.  “Silly dream, wasn’t it?  By the way, you have no cavities!  Keep up the good work and I’ll see you in six months.  Help yourself to something out of the toy box.”

Penny thanked Dr. Shinyteeth and gave him a big hug, just like Junior.  She then went to the toy box where she picked out a little stuffed dragon.  It seemed appropriate.  













HAPPY EASTER!!




When the dentist tells you to spit, he means into the bowl!!----fishducky

 


Wednesday, April 16, 2014

BENNY THE BEETLE


Important (to me) notice: Starting next week, I'm cutting back a little on posting.  I'm eliminating Wednesday's post--I will post on Mondays & Fridays only!!



Once upon a time there was an elephant named Shirley (sorry, wrong story) a beetle named Benny.  He was very sad because he didn’t have a girlfriend.  He was very handsome, for a bug, so he had lots of dates, but he just couldn’t find his soulmate.  
 
He joined an online dating service (doesdatingbugyou.com) and they matched him with several interesting ladybugs and other bugs that were ladies, but some of them were not too ladylike.  He brought them flowers and they ate them.  He would take them out to dinner in a neighborhood tree, and after they had finished their leaves, some of them tried to have him for dessert!  There was this really cute potato bug named Petunia, but whenever he touched her, she rolled into a ball.

Benny was desperate.  His friends felt sorry for him and sent him on many blind dates.  One was with Cathy Cockroach.  She was much too tough for him and her tattoos put him off and besides, her table manners were gross.  Betty Bedbug slept through their whole date.  Belinda Bumblebee and Sally Scorpion had such bad tempers that they frightened him, and to make things even scarier, they had built-in weapons!  He couldn’t even have a conversation with Christine Cricket; she just kept rubbing her legs together and saying, “It’s so hot in here!”  Wendy Walking Stick was anorexic.  Barbara Black Widow had already been married sixteen times and, amazingly, all of her husbands had died on their wedding night!  Benny didn’t want to be number seventeen.  Patti Praying Mantis was apparently a Jehovah’s Witness.  She kept trying to convert him.  Celine Centipede was four hours late for their date.  It took her that long just to get her shoes on!  There was absolutely no privacy to be had with Gladys Glow Worm.  Every time he tried to kiss her, she turned her light on.

His date with Millie Moth didn’t work out, either, but they did become close friends.  She introduced him to her cousin, Calista Caterpillar, and then sadly flew headfirst into a light.  Calista wasn’t very good looking at the time, even for a bug, but Benny thought she was special.  After a few marvelous dates, he asked her to marry him and she accepted his proposal.  She told him that she had to go away for a while because it was time for her to pupate.  She promised him that she would be back and then they could marry.  He said that he would wait forever, if it was necessary.

Benny was sad and lonely without Calista, the love of his life.  One day he was crawling through the forest and he heard someone call his name.  He looked up to see a gorgeous butterfly, but he didn’t recognize her.  She said, “It’s me, Benny, your Calista.  I’m back!  While I was pupating, I had a complete makeover so I could be beautiful for you.”  She fluttered to the ground and wrapped her wings around him and they lived happily ever after.