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Wednesday, September 2, 2015

CAN YOU SPARE 5 MINUTES FOR A SURVEY?



(A reworked post from October 2012)



This was ACTUALLY posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously had a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) and made the web department take it down immediately.








Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to
protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty
registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the
information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and

desires.

[_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified
First Name: _______________ Initial: __ Last Name: _______________
Code Name: __________ Password: ________ (max 8 char)
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ____ ____ ____

Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ____/__/__
Serial Number: _________________________

Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have
just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to
purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] Iraq
[_] North America
[_] Central / South America
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Classified

How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that
apply):
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a
regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Sabotage
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
[_] Fashion / clothing


Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will
be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in
the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from
other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand
new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
source: jokebudda



















Oh, about the McDonnell Douglas plane--I bought a red one!----fishducky

 


Tuesday, September 1, 2015

FISHDUCKY’S FEATHERED FILOSOFY







(Reworked from a March, 2013 post--with all new cartoons!!)

I've been thinking (stop laughing & snorting--it COULD happen!) about life & I think I understand it now.  For instance, do you know the answer to the question, "What is the meaning of life?"  I DO!!  *The answer is at the end of this post.

I have learned many things in my 80+ years on this planet.  For instance:


I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a lot of money or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others--they are more messed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep throwing up long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot & steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, & there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch weird friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested & end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon & all the less important ones just never go away.

I’ve learned that nobody is perfect.  I am a nobody.  Therefore, I am perfect.

And most importantly:

I've learned to say "Screw them if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are only 2 simple, basic truths in life.  They are:

SIMPLE TRUTH 1. Partners help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2. When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats", but none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry, gentlemen, but there are some things in life only women understand.  They are:

10. Why it's necessary to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory & off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. Fat clothes.

6. A salad, diet drink & a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man may be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts less than ten minutes.

1. Other women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FOUR RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Rolls Royce than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the schmuck's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.


4. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.




















It used to be that the only two things in life that were certain were death & taxes.  Now there's shipping & handling, too!!----fishducky


 




*The answer to the question about the meaning of life according to the URBAN DICTIONARY: 42

42--The Almighty Answer to the Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything. It was calculated by the computer Deep Thought for seven million years and when asked to build a better computer to discover the Question to the Life, the Universe, and Everything, it built the Earth. Before the Earth could tell the Question however, it was destroyed by the Vogons to make room for an interstellar highway bypass. For more information, see The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Monday, August 31, 2015

HE NEVER GOT NO RESPECT




Rodney Dangerfield got no respect but we sure miss him.  He & Henny Youngman were the kings of the one liners.  Susan (of I think, therefore I yam) sent me this.  Thank you, Susan!!

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor--it was self-service.                      .

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'                     

I knew a girl so ugly they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the- Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid!  When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness--after I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times--three of those times I was reading it.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy--for birth control.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

A classic video from 1978 & still funny!!















If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments----fishducky