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Monday, September 1, 2014

EVERY PROBLEM HAS A SOLUTION







Q: What does every woman call an intelligent, attractive, caring, loving and sensitive man?
A: A dream. 
Alternate answer: Monsignor
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Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" 

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" 

"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
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Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
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A pre-med student had to take a difficult class in physics. One day, the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" 

"To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. 

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted. 

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
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"My dog is so smart," says the first pet owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."
"I know," says the second owner.
"How do you know?"
"My dog told me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped." 

"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?" 

"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."
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Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." 

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
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An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started shuddering and rocking noticeably from side to side. The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm. The attendant asked a business man “Would you like a drink? “Why not?” he replied, “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s having.” 
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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward. then backward, forward then backward, again and again.  Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.  Her heart was pounding; her face was flushed, she moaned, very softly at first, and then she began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "OK, OK, I can't parallel park!!!  You do it, you smug bastard!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. 

At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road." 

The priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."


This required some patience on the mama’s part:
(Thanks to Susan at I Think Therefore I Yam)



Too expensive to get that door handle fixed?












If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.  If you still don't succeed, give up.  No use being a damned fool about it----W. C. Fields (& fishducky)

 






Friday, August 29, 2014

THINGS I BET YOU NEVER KNEW (OR CARED ABOUT)


Boy, were they surprised!!





Louis Pasteur, whose work on wine, vinegar, and beer led to pasteurization, had an obsessive fear of dirt and infection. He refused to shake hands, and he carefully wiped plate and glass before dining.

False teeth are often radioactive. Approximately 1 million Americans wear some form of denture; half of these dentures are made of a porcelain compound laced with minute amounts of uranium to stimulate fluorescence. Without the uranium additive, the dentures would be a dull green color when seen under artificial light.

Assuming that all the offspring survived, 190,000,000,000,000,000,000 flies could be produced in four months by the offspring of a single pair of flies.

A healthy man who is in good physical shape has about 12 to 15 percent body fat. A woman in good shape has between 15 to 18 percent. The models used in most of the advertising for abdominal machines, on the other hand, have less than 10 percent body fat.

The smallest visible sunspots have an area of 500 million square miles, about fifty times the size of Africa. The largest sunspots have an area of about 7,000 million square miles.

The average snail moves at a rate of approximately 0.000362005 miles per hour.

The English-language alphabet originally had only 24 letters. One missing letter was "J," which was the last letter to be added to the alphabet. The other latecomer to the alphabet was "U."

During the fifteenth century, Venice ordained that local Italian prostitutes would bare their breasts while soliciting at open windows overlooking the city’s famous canals and walkways. The ruling was intended to separate the city’s “professional” women from the general female citizenry, and to encourage young men to purchase the prostitutes’ wares and avoid the unspeakable sins of masturbation and homosexuality.


Dolphins swim in circles while they sleep with the eye on the outside of the circle open to keep watch for predators. After a certain amount of time, they reverse and swim in the opposite direction with the opposite eye open.

The Statue of Liberty measures 35 feet in diameter at the waist. The robe forms the outer shell of the statue, and there is no "torso" underneath.

The lungs of an average adult, unfolded and flattened out, would cover an area the size of a tennis court.

An ant can lift 50 times its own weight, which is equivalent to a human being pulling a 10-ton trailer.
arcamax





















It's possible that this one isn't true:



I may change my mind, but that doesn't mean I'm not still right----fishducky


 




Monday, August 25, 2014

THIS SIDE UP!!*



*Alternate titles:
1. WASSUP?
2.UP YOURS!!
                                       





 PHENOMENAL 2 LETTER WORD

 I'm sure you will enjoy this. I never knew one word in the English language that could be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb & preposition. This was sent to me by my friend, Carole--give it UP for Carole!!

UP
Read until the end ... you'll laugh.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 
'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand 
UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come 
UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?We call UPour friends, brighten UP a room, polishUP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.  
At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed 
UP is special.

And this 
UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.
We open 
UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of 
UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are 
UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding 
UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U
P
!

Did that one crack you 
UP?

Don't screw 
UP.. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book . . . or not . . . it's UP to you.

Now I'll shut 
UP!!



This has nothing to do with today's post,
but I though/t you might enjoy seeing one of my sons
taking the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge:

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10203360393943651&set=vb.1025307175&type=2&theater


Here are a lot of cartoons I've put UP for you:
















Bet you couldn't identify me in a line-up!!----fishducky