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Monday, July 30, 2012

DOCTORS MAY THINK THEY’RE GOD, BUT DOES GOD THINK HE’S A DOCTOR?


            Back in the days when my skin fit better  When I was about 45 or 50, my gynecologist retired & I had to find a new one.  I had made a note on the new patient form I filled out saying I preferred being called “Fran” to “Frances.”  He brought me into his office & was looking over my papers.  He said, “I see you’d rather be called Fran.”  I told him that was right & asked him if he preferred to be called “Bob” or “Robert”.  He looked at me as if he had never had a patient ask him that before, then he smiled & told me, “Robert”.  I figured that with the particular parts of me that he would be checking, we should probably be on a first-name basis.

Many doctors are like this:

I would MUCH rather they were like this:


            Are they required to surrender their sense of humor in exchange for their medical school diploma?  I was at a doctor’s office, waiting in one of the operatories, when he & his nurse came in.  They told me they had an emergency & that it would be a little while before they could treat me.  They asked me if they could get me anything while I was waiting.  I told them a margarita would be nice.  No reaction whatsoever!  I wonder why they even asked?

            My friend, Barbara, fell down the stairs two weeks ago.  Only two stairs, but she managed to SHATTER her kneecap—I guess she figured that something worth doing is worth doing well!  She had surgery that evening & the next day her surgeon examined her & told her to see him in two weeks.  She made an appointment.  She’s currently in a rehab center & confined to bed.  She called her surgeon’s office about the appointment & was told that he couldn’t see her then—he was getting married.  Barb asked the receptionist if the doctor was getting married, how come he didn’t know that a couple of weeks in advance?  She said, “It must be a rush marriage!  Is he pregnant?”  Not even a snicker from the receptionist.

       This may have been her surgeon:

Or him:


Do you ever feel like this in a doctor’s office?
                            If you do, you might consider this:



Here’s a list that was taken stolen borrowed from the net (fortogden.com):
                        Things You Don’t Want to Hear in Surgery
            --Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
--Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
--Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
--Ya' know...there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em.
--Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
--Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
 --Damn! There go the lights again...
--What's this doing here?
--That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
--Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
--Sterile, schemerle. The floor's clean, right?
--What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
--OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
--This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
--Isn't this the guy with the really lousy insurance?
--Don't worry.  I think it’s sharp enough.
--Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

            And one more “funny” for the road:
           If this link isn't working, go to 



It's Tim Conway as the old doctor with Harvey Korman


            See you next week, unless you’re at your doctor’s appointment----fishducky

PS--If you didn't get enough laughs today, read Melynda's books--JUST NONSENSE & MORE NONSENSE. Funny stuff!!






Friday, July 27, 2012

AND NOW, HE-E-E-E-RE’S STEVEN


wanted to take a little a little time off, so I asked my very close friend the comedian, Steven Wright, to guest post for me.  He said, “Who the hell are you?”  “For you, fishducky, ANYTHING!”
This is Steven
This is me
You probably can’t tell us apart.  I’m sure you’ll agree he makes as much sense as I do.  The rest of this post is his:
````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
I had some eyeglasses for a long time.  I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
            I have an existential map.  It has “YOU ARE HERE” written all over it.
            I stayed in a really old hotel last night.  They sent me a wake-up letter.
            If a synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest of them have to drown, too?
            I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  We’re not worried.  We know it’s in the apartment somewhere.
When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was.  I said, “Five.”  He said, “When I was your age, I was SIX!”
            I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
            It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
            Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
            On the other hand, you have different fingers.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
            I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I went to the bank & asked to borrow a cup of money.  They asked, “What for?”  I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”
            Why isn’t “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
I went to the movies.  The price sign said: Adults $10.00, Children $5.00.  I said, “Give me 2 boys & a girl.”
            I’m writing a book.  I’ve already got the page numbers done.
My watch is 3 hours fast.  My jeweler in Los Angeles couldn’t fix it.  He said I should move to New York.
I paint abstract art.  Extremely abstract.  No brush, no paint, no canvas.  I just imagine the painting.
            Why do they have to use a sterile needle for lethal injections?
            I was arrested for scalping low numbers at a deli.  I sold a 3 for 28 bucks.
            Why are there Braille dots on drive-thru ATM’s?
            I have amnesia & déjà vu.  I think I’ve forgotten this before.
            Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 OK, next time I’ll write my own post!----fishducky

PS--If you didn't get enough laughs today, read Melynda's books--JUST NONSENSE & MORE NONSENSE. Funny stuff!!
 

Monday, July 23, 2012

QUESTIONS THAT HAVE PLAGUED MANKIND FOR AGES


PREGNANCY Q & A

(Maggie at PADDED CELL CONFESSIONS posted this but I liked it so much I stole it.)

1.      Should I have a baby over 35?
              ---No, 35 children is enough.

2.      I’m 2 months pregnant now.  When will my baby move?
              ---With any luck, right after he finishes college.

3.      What is the most reliable method to determine a child’s sex?
              ---Childbirth.

4.      My wife is 5 months pregnant & so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
             ---So what’s your question?

5.      My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure.  Is she right?
             ---Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

6.      When is the best time to get an epidural?
              ---Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

7.      Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
              ---Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

8.      Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
              ---Yes, pregnancy.

9.      Do I have to have a baby shower?
              ---Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

10. Our baby was born last week.  When will my wife begin to feel & act normal again?
             ---When the kids are in college.



Are computers masculine or feminine?  It depends on who you ask.
Men say they’re feminine because:
1.      No one besides their creator understands their internal logic.
2.     The language they use to communicate with each other is incomprehensible to anyone else.
3.      Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4.      As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Women say they’re masculine because:
1.      In order for them to do anything you have to turn them on.
2.      They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
3.      They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4.      As soon as you commit to one you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
 Even though I was around at the time, why didn’t President Lincoln want my help in composing his speeches?  (Note: The wart on my nose [below] has been removed.)

Why isn’t a toothbrush called a “teethbrush”?  It’s actually logical.  You use it to brush more than one tooth.   When someone says they had their hair cut, I’m tempted to ask, “Which one?”  And why isn’t the plural of spouse “spice”?  Having “spice” should certainly add it to your marriage!
And some more things I’ve always wanted to know:
1.      Why do doctors leave the room when you undress?  Aren’t they going to see you naked, anyway?
2.      If you get to the end of the universe, is there a fence?
3.      If you are asked in court if you will swear to tell the truth, the whole truth & nothing but the truth, what would happen if you said “No”?
4.      If women with large breasts work at Hooters, do women with one leg work at IHOP?
5.      If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
6.      When lightning strikes the ocean, why don’t all the fish die?
7.      Why don’t woodpeckers get headaches when they slam their heads against a tree all day?
8.      Do sheep get static cling when they rub against each other?
9.      How can a spy tell when he runs out of invisible ink?
       10.    Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” when it doesn’t work anymore after you’ve had it done?

One more question; will you be back next time?----fishducky

PS--If you didn't get enough laughs today, read Melynda's books--JUST NONSENSE & MORE NONSENSE. Funny stuff!!









Friday, July 20, 2012

THE WOULD-BE POET






I’m telling you quite honestly

I’d love to write fine poetry.

I’d show such versatility

that everyone would honor me.

The words would come forth trippingly

as if they had a melody.

I’d write of plants; of rose and tree.

I’d be a big celebrity!

I’d write of kings and royalty

and I’d discuss humanity.

I’d write of love so wistfully,

of sadness and of joie de vie

And I would do this masterfully.

            I’d lecture universally.

I’d do this work unselfishly

(though I’d accept gratuities).

 So let me add, in summary,

I’d gain much popularity.

My poems loved so zealously

that  publishers would say to me,

“Write more!”  They’d beg me fervently

for poems to fill their glossaries.

They’d organize parades; you’d see

me waving at fans jauntily.

The crowds, no longer orderly,

would clamor with intensity.

The President would say, pleadingly,

“Our Poet Laureate you have to be!”

I would decline, quite modestly.

This could become insanity.

I’d have to write incessantly,

If I were to act accordingly.

There would be no more time for me

to sit and daydream lazily.

I’d be pressured overwhelmingly

to keep up this activity.

I’d hear “Please write!” repeatedly

‘til writer’s cramp took hold of me.

My brain would start to atrophy.

No one would want to be with me.

My friends, is this my destiny?

Why, in this great democracy,

Should talent push relentlessly

and rob me of my dignity?

And so I ask you, tearfully,

            is that the way it has to be

If I could write as beautifully

as I had wished for previously?

My literary wizardry

might just attack me fatally!

I’ve thought this thing out carefully

and realize the absurdity

Of living my life tragically

if I could write great poetry.



With apologies to humankind,

I fear that someday I would find

My nerves all tangled in a bind

which I, (poor soul) could not unwind,

So—never mind!


----the lucky, plucky fishducky

PS--If you didn't get enough laughs today, read Melynda's books--JUST NONSENSE & MORE NONSENSE.  Funny stuff!!



Monday, July 16, 2012

HOW DO I LOVE THEE?


A HISTORY OF LOVE & MARRIAGE IN ECARDS


COURTSHIP—Where everything is beautiful:




You have to put some effort
into making the marriage work:



Sometimes, though you come to a realization:


And then this happens:





But if you think about WHY you
married each other in the first place


You CAN have a long & happy life together!


We’ve already done this:


But at my age this is downright scary:


This is one of the cards I gave Bud
on our last anniversary:


I have absolutely no idea why this old joke popped into my mind:

“Do you know why Jewish men die before their wives?
  Because they WANT to!”

We’ve made it 114 years (57 each) so far & we’re still counting----fishducky