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Friday, July 27, 2012

AND NOW, HE-E-E-E-RE’S STEVEN


wanted to take a little a little time off, so I asked my very close friend the comedian, Steven Wright, to guest post for me.  He said, “Who the hell are you?”  “For you, fishducky, ANYTHING!”
This is Steven
This is me
You probably can’t tell us apart.  I’m sure you’ll agree he makes as much sense as I do.  The rest of this post is his:
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I had some eyeglasses for a long time.  I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
            I have an existential map.  It has “YOU ARE HERE” written all over it.
            I stayed in a really old hotel last night.  They sent me a wake-up letter.
            If a synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest of them have to drown, too?
            I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  We’re not worried.  We know it’s in the apartment somewhere.
When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was.  I said, “Five.”  He said, “When I was your age, I was SIX!”
            I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
            It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
            Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
            On the other hand, you have different fingers.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
            I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I went to the bank & asked to borrow a cup of money.  They asked, “What for?”  I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”
            Why isn’t “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
I went to the movies.  The price sign said: Adults $10.00, Children $5.00.  I said, “Give me 2 boys & a girl.”
            I’m writing a book.  I’ve already got the page numbers done.
My watch is 3 hours fast.  My jeweler in Los Angeles couldn’t fix it.  He said I should move to New York.
I paint abstract art.  Extremely abstract.  No brush, no paint, no canvas.  I just imagine the painting.
            Why do they have to use a sterile needle for lethal injections?
            I was arrested for scalping low numbers at a deli.  I sold a 3 for 28 bucks.
            Why are there Braille dots on drive-thru ATM’s?
            I have amnesia & déjà vu.  I think I’ve forgotten this before.
            Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?
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 OK, next time I’ll write my own post!----fishducky

PS--If you didn't get enough laughs today, read Melynda's books--JUST NONSENSE & MORE NONSENSE. Funny stuff!!
 

7 comments:

  1. He's very entertaining, but so are you, gorgeous.

    Love,
    Janie

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  2. I love a good one liner! Happy Friday!

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  3. You know I can appreciate a little comedy on Friday! Rudolph generally keeps me in stitches with his jokes. He's a keeper...and so are you!

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  4. Steven is funny and so are you. I hope you come back soon with some great tales to tell.

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  5. I didn't know who Steven was, now I do, he's a funny guy, thanks Fishducky!

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  6. Dear Fishducky, like Alessandra, I don't know who Steven Wright is, but he certainly has a witty sense of humor! Thanks for sharing. Peace.

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  7. Thanks, guys--the fishducky is back!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.