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Friday, August 31, 2012

I WISH I WERE DR. DOOLITLE

I bet these guys would have a lot to say, such as:

"Do these leggings make my butt look big?"

"Listen carefully, grasshopper,  
I'm about to tell you the meaning of life."

"No, it's not a wig.  Why do you ask?"

"I love you!"
 

"I can fly!"
 

"I hope that cab gets here soon."
 

"Momma, there's plenty of room in your pouch.  
Can Billy sleep over?"
 

"Even bookends get thirsty..."

"I hate self-service bars!"
 

"The vet said it's clinical depression."
 

"It's Clairol For Men. I got tired of going gray."
 

"I bet there's something really neat in here!"
 

"The Head and Shoulders didn't work.  
What else do you suggest?"
 

"Dear Lord, help me get off of here!"
 



THESE CAN TALK!


This one cracks me up!!




Just scratch me behind the ears & I'm yours forever!----fishducky

Monday, August 27, 2012

DARWIN AWARDS

This was emailed to me.  Apparently, the truth is funnier than anything I could write! (I don't know in what year these awards were given.)


Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned  when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run. 

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.


Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS....

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves...
'Shit happens'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



These are the Darwin Awards for 2011:


They are soooooooo funny, and just think, they are true!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James

Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.


And now, the honorable mentions:


2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting

machine and submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of

its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also
lost a finger... The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car

during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus

driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bu lawayo had escaped. Not wanting to
admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and
offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the
passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients
were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception
wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious

head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying
to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was
hit. (I'm pretty sure I had this kid in class. Lou)

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the

counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer... $15. If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided

that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store
window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on
videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man

grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of
the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he
replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse
from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a

Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered
onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast...
The man, frustrated, walked away. 

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked

on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he
bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man
curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman
said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged
his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The
owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the
best laugh he'd ever had.



In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friend
and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a
distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are
distant and hope they remain lost.





PS--I remember the winner of a previous year’s contest.  He was a terrorist who sent a mail bomb to a politician.  It was returned due to insufficient postage.  He opened it.

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL!

The following shows the workings of their brains.  You may have to copy & paste.  I couldn't put it in using Blogger.  Put the cursor in the center & move it SLOWLY over the image to change it:

http://inoyan.narod.ru/kaleidoskop.swf

I love this!  I may put it in every time!!:



No, I was not entered in this contest----fishducky


PS--If you didn't get enough laughs today, read Melynda's books--JUST NONSENSE & MORE NONSENSE. Funny stuff!!

Being computer illiterate, I don't know how to  put the stuff that goes with this button into my post but I DO want to support her!!  You can enter through Elisa's post (THE CRAZY LIFE OF A WRITING MOM) or Janie Junebug's post (WOMEN: WE SHALL OVERCOME).

















   
   
   






























 

Friday, August 24, 2012

THE EXTRA LARGE “MAN THING”


When our youngest son, Blake, got married, he & his wife eloped to Las Vegas.  Not to sneak by us—we loved his wife--& still do.  I guess they didn’t want all the fancy trappings that go with a formal wedding.  Soon after their return we threw them a wedding reception.  I decided I had a right to see them get married, so I performed a wedding ceremony.  (No, I am not a minister.)  It was short & went something like this: “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to reunite this man & this woman in holy matrimony.  Please join hands.  Diane, do you promise to love & honor Blake & to let him have the TV remote control?  ‘I do.’  Blake, do you promise to love & honor Diane & to put the toilet seat down?  ‘I do.’  I now re-pronounce you husband & wife.  You may kiss the bride!”  They were later married (again!) in a Catholic church in Florida, where her family lives.  We had not met her family before.  At the reception at her sister’s home her father told me that he & his wife loved our Blake the first moment they met him.  Sometimes I don’t know what I’m going to say until it comes out of my mouth.  What came out was, “Really?  What do you think of him now?”


 I was Christmas shopping one year & found the perfect T-shirt for Blake.  It had a picture of a TV remote control on the front & said, “It’s a man thing!”  I told the saleswoman I’d like one in an extra-large.   She didn’t have any under the counter so she called across the busy store to a stock boy, “I need a ‘man thing’ in an extra-large!”  The woman behind me in line said, “Don’t we all?”  Cracked up the whole store!
He & his brother once bought me a VERY LARGE toy stuffed reindeer for Christmas.  They bought it in San Francisco & brought it down on the plane with them.  It was too large to be wrapped & they didn’t want to send it through baggage.  It wouldn’t fit in the overhead & they didn’t want to have it in their laps, so they did the only reasonable (?) thing.  They bought him a ticket.  “Rodney” was strapped into a seat & a passenger asked the flight attendant if she would move him so he could sit there.  She laughed & told him, “I’m sorry, sir, but the reindeer has a ticket.”  They showed me their copy.  On it was “Passenger’s name: Reindeer, Rodney”.


Rodney Reindeer

           My family has always expressed emotion physically.  We practically kissed each other goodbye when we went to the bathroom.  I had to teach my husband to become a “hugger” when we got married.  (He already knew how to kiss.)  I guess I created a monster.  When Blake was about 2, I was standing at the sink preparing dinner.  (YES, I used to make dinner!)  He pointed to my leg & asked, “Dat yours?”  I told him yes.  He pointed to my arm & said, “Dat yours?”  Yes, again.  He then pointed to my breast & asked, “Dat Daddy’s?”

           Blake was 49 this year.  I am 36.  The best way to explain this anomaly is to tell you about something that I read in one of Kirk Douglas’ books.  A “senior” movie actress was being interviewed.  The reporter said, “Forgive me, Madame, but I have to ask.  Your son (who was also a star) admits to being 56.  You claim to be 63.  How can this be?”  Her answer (& mine): “He has his life—I have mine!”





----The “forever young” fishducky 


PS--If you didn't get enough laughs today, read Melynda's books--JUST NONSENSE & MORE NONSENSE. Funny stuff!!

Being computer illiterate, I don't know how to  put the stuff that goes with this button into my post but I DO want to support her!!  You can enter through Elisa's post (THE CRAZY LIFE OF A WRITING MOM) or Janie Junebug's post (WOMEN: WE SHALL OVERCOME).







            

Friday, August 17, 2012

MY PHONE & I KNOW EVERYTHING


There’s an old joke about a guy who’s bragging in a bar.  He says, “My wife & I know everything!”  Someone says, “If you’re so smart, explain the theory of relativity.”  The first guy thinks for a minute & tells him, “My WIIFE knows that!”  That’s how I feel about the modern electronics age.  I used to be able to go to a restaurant with my family & wonder aloud what time it is in Iceland or who played the villain in an old movie.  That, at least, gave you something to talk about for a while even if you didn’t really care about the answer.  No more.  Now, if I should happen to muse about Iceland’s time zone, someone will whip out a phone, click a couple of buttons & tell me, “It’s 7:30pm PST here in California & Iceland is 8 hours ahead of us, so it’s 3:30am UTC/GMT tomorrow there.”  That’s already more than I really wanted to know.  Then they will continue, “GMT is Greenwich Mean Time.  UTC is Coordinated Universal Time or in French: Temps Universel Coordonne.  UTC was decided as the acronym because it was thought CUT or TUC were not appropriate.  GMT & UTC are the same.”  I’m surprised they didn’t tell me how to make a watch.  I’ll have to ask them about that, sometime………….




I’m a very good driver.  That’s my opinion, not my husband’s.  He thinks it’s my fault that trees like to jump out in front of me.  I have NO control over trees!  In October of 2010 he had to go to Cedars Sinai Hospital very early in the morning for some tests.(He’s fine—thank you for asking.)  He wasn’t allowed to drive, so he had taken a cab there & I was on my way to pick him up.  Although I’ve driven past Cedars many times, I somehow missed the turn.  I drove to the next major intersection, planning to turn left & circle back.  Robert Burns once wrote, “The best-laid schemes o’ mice an’ men gang aft agley.”  Well, AGLEY they went!  I tried—unsuccessfully--to make a left turn.  I’m happy to report the airbag worked.  The paramedics thought I had two broken wrists.  It turned out only one was actually broken.  I now have a 7” plate in my arm.  My new Mustang, which had less than 1,000 miles on it, suffered extensive damage.  It’s all better now.  The paramedics caused me more (mental) pain than the accident did.  They took scissors & cut off my brand new black leather jacket.  I loved that jacket!   I’d bought it in a consignment shop, but it was new to me.  We were less than a mile from Cedars, so that’s where the ambulance brought me.  Bud & I were reunited in the ER.  Since neither one of us (or my car) was in condition to drive, our daughter came to the hospital & took him home.  I stayed a few days.

(Are ALL paramedics cute?   It may be a job requirement.) 

            
My friend, Barbara, & I both love pork.  Early one evening Bud & I were driving from L.A. to our beach condo & stopped for dinner.  Barb lives across the street from us at the beach & we decided to surprise her.  I had a rib dinner & we bought another one to bring to her.  Bud was downstairs with the takeout box & I went upstairs to talk to Barbara.  She had no idea we had food—or anything—for her.  I asked her what would be the greatest gift one human being could give another & she said, “PORK!”   Bud was just coming up the stairs.  He said, “Right!” & handed it to her.
            
When we were little, my brother used to catch every childhood disease that was in town—mumps, chickenpox, etc.  My mom would throw me in bed with him so I could catch it when I was young & develop an immunity.  I never caught anything.  As a child, that is.  I got measles the semester I was entering UCLA.  As a freshman, you couldn’t get your classes by mail.  You—or someone—had to enroll in person.  Bud was kind enough to sign in for me.  He figured that it would be no problem except for Women’s Phys. Ed.  It turned out that was the easiest.  The other prospective students must have noticed his embarrassment—they let him go to the head of the line.

            For you parents of young children:

You probably didn’t notice, but sometimes I have difficulty staying on one theme whenI write.  That’s just the way fishduckies are.


Until next time----fishducky


PS--If you didn't get enough laughs today, read Melynda's books--JUST NONSENSE & MORE NONSENSE. Funny stuff!! 

Being computer illiterate, I don't know how to  put the stuff that goes with this button into my post but I DO want to support her!!  You can enter through Elisa's post (THE CRAZY LIFE OF A WRITING MOM) or Janie Junebug's post (WOMEN: WE SHALL OVERCOME).
   

Monday, August 13, 2012

MARRIAGE (& OTHER HIGH RISK VENTURES)


My husband & I celebrated our 57th anniversary this year.  I feel that gives me the right to make a suggestion.  For some time now, I’ve felt that marriage licenses should be treated more like driver’s licenses.  You should either have the option to renew them every 5 years or so, or turn them back in—never to drive, or to be married, again.  I would PROBABLY have renewed mine, but as for Bud—who knows?  Let me give you some examples of why I say “probably”.


            To get to our home from the freeway, we drive east on Santa Monica Blvd.  A few years ago, the city made Santa Monica a divided street.  Some business & street entrances (including our street) were then located off a service road.  There are two places to turn onto our service road & then onto our street.  It really makes no difference which turn you take.  Bud always takes the second (most easterly) one.  I told him I usually take the first turn.  He looked at me like he couldn’t believe it & said, “Well, that’s just WRONG!”  To this day, I have no idea why.
            My mother belonged to an organization that raised money to help retarded children.  She was being installed as president at their annual “Lollipop Ball.”  It was held at a downtown hotel & our ticket package included free parking in a lot directly across the street.  Bud instead drove into the hotel’s parking lot, for which we would have to pay extra.  I reminded him that the lot across the street would be free.  He told me that he knew that, but he was too rich to walk across the street!  (Note: That was the day I stopped clipping coupons.  I’ve often felt that my husband & I live in two different worlds--& HIS is better!)
Bud used to talk in his sleep.  This can often be the cause of problems.  For instance, there was the night I was awakened by him talking loudly “on the phone”.  He said--& this is a direct quote, “He’s got as much chance of doing that as I have of screwing Elizabeth!”  I took a deep breath.  He continued his “conversation”, “That IS the name of the present queen of England, isn’t it?”  I remember another classic.  When I got into bed, he was sound asleep.  He put his arms around me & drew me close, cuddling me.  He murmured, “Take a letter…..”
His parents were married 64½ years when his mom passed away.  When people would ask what her secret was for such a long marriage, her answer was “inertia”.  It was easier to stay married than to do something about it.  Besides, who in their right mind would want to break in--& train--a new husband?
I realize I MAY not be perfect, either.  That’s why one of the cards I gave Bud on our anniversary said, “Let’s celebrate the day you gave up on finding anyone better than me!”
The foolish-- & forgiving-- fishducky
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In case you missed the synchronized swimming events at the Olympics, you can watch it here: 



PS--If you didn't get enough laughs today, read Melynda's books--JUST NONSENSE & MORE NONSENSE. Funny stuff!!

Being computer illiterate, I don't know how to  put the stuff that goes with this button into my post but I DO want to support her!!  You can enter through Elisa's post (THE CRAZY LIFE OF A WRITING MOM) or Janie Junebug's post (WOMEN: WE SHALL OVERCOME).




Friday, August 10, 2012

COME WITH ME TO THE CASBAH—OR NOT!


            Thirty odd years ago (granted, some years have been odder than others!) my husband & I flew to Italy to visit our daughter & our niece, who were roommates there.  We thought  it would be fun to go to the Costa Del Sol in Spain, where we had never been, for week or so of rest & sun before coming home.  It was so beautiful & relaxing there we decided to fly the girls over to join us.  We had a rental car & were on our way to the airport to pick them up when we stopped for a traffic signal.  THEN ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!  What seemed to be hundreds of college students ran into the intersection, blocking it & carrying signs & chanting slogans.  My Spanish is passable, not great, but it was impossible to understand what they were trying to say. (It’s pretty hard to understand what a riot mob is yelling even if it’s in your native language.)  I even thought it might be “Death to the Americans!”  They started rocking cars & since we were 3 cars back from the signal with cars behind us & in the left lane with a foot high concrete traffic divider next to us, we were stuck.  Then the riot police came with their shields & masks.  It looked like the students were going to win this battle.  It scared the “mierda” (Spanish for s**t—see, I DO speak some Spanish!) out of us.  The driver in front of us had apparently had enough, flipped a U turn over the divider & left.  Not being entirely stupid, we followed.  I can’t remember whether we eventually made it to the airport or went back to the hotel & had them send a car for the girls.  We later found out the reason for the riot.  It seems that some student refused to pay his electric bill, so the nasty old company shut his power off.  That just didn’t seem right to “los otros estudiantes”

            One day (before the riot) we took a side trip to the Casbah.  Charles Boyer (Ask your parents who he was.  It’s pronounced boy-eh.) is said to have used the sexy come-on, “Come with me to the Casbah” in a movie.  So did the amorous cartoon skunk, Pepe Lepew. 
Can you tell which is which?

The Casbah is in an old section of Algiers & is a marketplace.  We boarded a ferry in Spain, passed the Rock of Gibraltar & disembarked in Algeria.  Our tour driver stopped en route so that those of us who wanted to ride a camel could do so.  How could I pass up such an opportunity?  Camels are TALL!  When you are in the saddle, you’re about 6 or 7 feet off the ground.  For you to get in the saddle, the driver has the camel “sit”.  The camel puts his rump on the ground with his forelegs straight & his back at about a 45 degree angle.  I got on & the driver led the camel by the reins.  We were walking, with Bud beside us, when he turned to Bud, held his hand out & said, “You geeve me teep!”  Bud is a very generous tipper, but he doesn’t like to be ordered to do it.  He said, “No.”  The driver started walking faster--& so did my camel-- & I.  Again, “You geeve me teep!”  Again, “No.”  Again, faster.  A couple more times of this & I leaned toward Bud & said, “You geeve heem teep!!!”  He did.
This is not me—I just wanted to give
you an idea of how tall camels are.



The Casbah itself was a filthy place with sand & dust everywhere.  Meat was for sale & the hanging pieces were swarming with flies.  There were jewelry & clothes offered & a fez vendor followed us, trying to sell Bud a hat, which he DID NOT WANT.  The man offered Bud a fez for $10.00.  Then he offered him 2 fezzes for $10.00.  Then 1 for $5.00. Then 2 for $5.00.  Ad infinitum.  We DID get to see people weaving Arabian carpets, but they didn’t have any that flew.  We were so impressed (NOT!) by the place that we felt that if there was a contest where first prize was a night at the Casbah, the second prize would have been 2 nights!
Not Bud, either!


            Even if Charles Boyer asks you, don’t go----fishducky 

PS--If you didn't get enough laughs today, read Melynda's books--JUST NONSENSE & MORE NONSENSE. Funny stuff!!

Being computer illiterate, I don't know how to  put the stuff that goes with this button into my post but I DO want to support her!!  You can enter through Elisa's post (THE CRAZY LIFE OF A WRITING MOM) or Janie Junebug's post (WOMEN: WE SHALL OVERCOME).