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Friday, September 28, 2012

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO ME (WITH APOLOGIES TO JACKIE MASON)


           

            I wonder how spoken language began.   After all, when the first man spoke the first word, no one could understand him.  Sort of like today’s teenagers, when they’re talking to an adult.  I guess if you hear “Schlemmerpop!” enough times you eventually realize it means, “Holy crap!  That fire is hot!  Don’t touch it—you’ll burn yourself!!”  While I’m on the subject of language, have you noticed how little kids like to say “actually”?


            If God did not want us to eat animals, why did He give us the ability to make barbecue sauce?  Speaking of animals, will the ones who are strict vegetarians only eat vegetarians?


            The first Thanksgiving after Bud’s sister died we flew to Texas to spend the holiday with his other sister & her family.  She wasn’t expecting us so we brought our own turkey.  It was uncooked, in a gym bag with Blue Ice.  We knew she’d appreciate having family with her & we thought it would be a good opportunity for our kids to learn to speak Texan.  During that trip, they mastered the word “bycon” (see image below) & the phrase “Shee-it, howdy!”.

            I’ve only been really drunk twice in my life.  The first time, Bud was driving the babysitter home while I was trying to navigate my way down our long hall to our bedroom.  I really appreciated that the hall was narrow, because when I tipped form side to side, I could put my hand against the wall for support so I wouldn't tip over.  (Do you suppose this is where the word “tipsy” comes from?)  The other time was when the office gave us a bon voyage party.  We were leaving on a vacation the next day.  Irene, one of the secretaries, was kind enough to come home with us.  I sat on the edge of the dresser while she packed for me.  They said I had a very good time at the party.
            The only time one of my sons got smashed at a bar, he passed out.  His friends (?) took his wallet & put him in a cab.  They gave the driver instructions to go to God knows where.  When they got there, the driver woke him up & asked for his fare.  No wallet = no money = no fare.  The driver gave him another ride, free—to jail.  He learned never to drink that much again & also, I believe, to get new friends.  My other son got thoroughly soused (once) when he was a teenager.  He was a passenger in a car that was going probably 100 mph on the freeway & they rear-ended another car.  No injuries, thank heaven, but he also ended up in jail.  Jail is apparently a great teacher.     
            That reminds me, I tried pot once.  Didn’t like it.  It was a weird feeling.  I knew what was going on & I could understand everything that was said to me.  Moving my hands was another story.  My main problem, though, was that I had absolutely no memory of the last 30 seconds.  If you asked me a question, you’d just have to wait for an answer.
            You realize, don’t, you that just because you have an inferiority complex doesn’t mean you AREN’T inferior?
            My husband believes there are exactly three kinds of drivers on the road: idiots, maniacs & him.  If someone is in front of him & going too slowly, he’s an idiot, as in “Get out of the way, you idiot!”  Maniacs are the ones who cut you off to get into your freeway lane or speed past you at 500 miles per hour.  And then there’s him.
            The genes for male pattern baldness are believed to be carried by the mother.  I guess that means that if your mother is bald, you probably will be, too!
            I have been to, among other metropolises metropoli busy cities, Bangkok, Hong Kong, Tokyo, Singapore, New Orleans, Washington DC, London, Geneva, Rome & Paris.  I loved them all.  When I’m in New York, however, I feel like a hick.   I think it’s because there are so many tall buildings so close together you can’t see the sky unless you look straight up.  I get a sort of claustrophobic feeling.  We’re going there again next year when our granddaughter graduates from Georgetown.  (Does anyone else feel that way?)
             Yesterday was my birthday.  I was born 78 years ago & I'm 36 years old.  Isn't life amazing?
           
I hope you enjoyed this trip into my mind.  Be careful, it’s dark in there, with lots of twists & turns.  You could easily get lost!----fishducky




Wednesday, September 26, 2012

FISHDUCKY’S GREETING CARDS, INC.

WELCOME TO THE NEW WEDNESDAY EDITION!!!


Hallmark’s slogan is “When you care enough to send the very best”.  Someecards uses “When you care enough to hit send’’.  The slogan for my new greeting card company will be “Here!”

We offer cards for every occasion.  Here's a sample of our stock:








“Happy birthday!
Don’t be a flake.
Give me some of
That chocolate cake!”









“Here’s my wish for
You this Easter—
Don’t fall down and
Break your keester!”








“It’s Hanukkah!
Here’s your dreidel toy.
Aren’t you glad
You’re not a Goy?”*
*Non-Jew






“You had a brand new baby,

And I suppose that’s fine.
But I would’ve gladly given
You any one of mine!”









“Congratulations
On your wedding,
That should keep
STD’s from spreading!”

OR:

                                                    “Word’s out you’re getting married,
                                                    I wish you endless luck.
                                                    God knows you’ll really need it
                                                    If you say “Yes” to that schmuck.”









"It's about time
You divorced that cow.
Does that mean it’s OK
To hit on her now?”








“Christmas is coming
With lots of good cheer.
I hope Santa
Brings me beer!”










"So glad you're out of jail.
Did they grant you a parole,
Or did someone slip a file
Inside your casserole?"








"All this snoring

Is making me woozy.
Oh, how I wish
I had an Uzi!"







“Thanks for having me
At your place—
Loved shoving dinner
Into my face!”








“Happy New Year!
Auld lang syne!
I need another
Glass of wine!”







"I'm so sorry 
You got fired.
Just pretend that 
You retired."









“Too bad you’re sick.
Just take your pill.
Your doctor says you’ll need it 
When you get his bill."








"You always said to
Eat, drink & live hearty.
We had a great time at
Your funeral party!"





We even offer cards for those "of a certain age"--here are three samples:




“I know this
Birthday card is late.
So what?  You’re  too old
To celebrate.”


“Too many candles can easily start
A blaze in your apartment—
A happy birthday warning from
Your local Fire Department.”

“Because you’ve had so many birthdays
And we all love you a heap,
We pooled our money and decided
To have you put to sleep.”
















Does this look like the start of a fantastic new career or what?----fishducky



   


Monday, September 24, 2012

DEAR DR. FISHDUCKY, I HAVE A PROBLEM…


IMPORTANT (TO ME, ANYWAY) NOTICE:
Starting this week (September 26, 2012) I will be posting 3 times a week--Monday, Wednesday & Friday until further notice!!  Thank you for noticing this notice.



Before we start, allow me to give you 
some general medical advice:




An old joke (to me, but hopefully new to you):

        A married couple, in their 50’s, are discussing the wife’s checkup visit at the doctor’s.  She tells him the doctor said she was in amazing shape.  She says, “He told me I had the smooth skin, perky breasts & flat stomach of a 20 year old.”  Her husband asks her, “What did he say about your 50 year old ass?”  She says, “Your name never came up!”
            Whatever you do, avoid a hospital stay (if you’re conscious)!!!  Set your own leg or remove your own appendix, if possible.  Most hospitals refuse to accept the fact that you’re a human being & have likes & dislikes.  You will be the gallbladder in Room 317 or the abscess in Room 249.  An example:
           Alan King, a comedian who was popular in my lifetime, but after dinosaurs, was a hospital patient.  A nurse (you know the kind--“How are WE today?”) would come in every morning to take his temperature.  She’d bring him a glass of apple juice & a sterile cup for a urine specimen.  She’d ask him what kind of juice he wanted the next day.  It didn’t matter what he told her—she’d ALWAYS bring him apple juice.  HE HATED APPLE JUICE!  One day, when her back was turned, he poured the apple juice into the urine cup.  She picked it up, held it to the light & said, “We look a little cloudy today.”  He grabbed it from her, took a look & said, “You’re right—we’d better run it through again!”--& drank it!!  He said it was worth drinking the apple juice just to see her run out of the room screaming!
A word of warning—if you are a stereotypical blond,
be very careful if you have acupuncture!!


            Doctors can ask very silly questions.  An OB once said that he got a call from a frantic man who said, “My wife is in labor & her pains are 2 minutes apart!”  He asked the man, “Is this her first child?”  The man said, “No, you idiot!  This is her husband!!”


A proposed health care solution:




           There can be hidden benefits to having any disease.  If you have Alzheimer’s, for instance, you get to meet new people every day, you can hide your own Easter eggs & you never have to watch reruns on TV.

           Fried foods are good for you, provided they are fried in vegetable oil & soak up lots of nutrients.  An extra-greasy donut would count as one serving of bread & two servings of vegetables.

           Avoid exercise at all costs!!  If it makes your stomach smaller, imagine what it would do to your brain!

          Even if all your pill bottles look alike, there’s still an easy way to tell which one is the PMS medicine.  It’s the one with the bite marks on the top.

I really love my primary care physician.  He’s a personal friend & an excellent doctor.  He does have one habit, however, that drives me crazy.  If I tell him I had a cold or even beriberi last week, he says, “I had that, too.  What’d you do for it?”


There are fine doctors all over the world.
For example, this specialist in Italy:


            On the off-chance that I didn’t answer all of your medical questions today, let’s move on to funerals, specifically mine.  I’ve told my husband that I didn’t want a regular funeral, with everybody sad.  Instead, I told him that I wanted fireworks to celebrate my life.  He said that fireworks weren’t his thing & offered a compromise—he said he would be willing to stick sparklers in my behind.  NOT ACCEPTABLE!!  I might be willing to settle for Maxine’s idea.



          My wonderful friend, Inger, is posting a blog about my art work tomorrow.  You can catch it here!


          Much like Mother Teresa, I’m sure I’ll be remembered for my good works.  Just ignore this cartoon about me----fishducky


The winning picture!!









Friday, September 21, 2012

HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?

IMPORTANT (TO ME, ANYWAY) NOTICE:
Starting next week (September 26, 2012) I will be posting 3 times a week--Monday, Wednesday & Friday until further notice!!  Thank you for noticing this notice.



The air conditioning repairman (God bless him!) just left.  I don't fare very well in the heat.  I don't know what the temps have been where you live, but here it's been HOT!!  We were driving down the coast Saturday night & it was 91 degrees in Malibu at 5 pm. I feel like I have just completed basic training for Hell!

Several years ago, Bud & I took a cruise to Mexico.  The ship docked near a beautiful lagoon so the passengers could go ashore & then go swimming in the ocean.  We went to the lunchroom to grab a snack.  We were in our bathing suits & my hair was soaking wet & was plastered to my head.  Next to us was a man with his two small children who were wondering out loud if the water was too cold to swim in.  The father suggested to his kids that they ask me, because it was obvious that I had just been in the ocean.  I HADN'T GONE IN YET!!  I don't know if I was having a hot flash or if it was the weather--or a combination of both.

I think the heat is too much for some of our furry--& feathered--friends, too:









And it's not just live things 
that are affected by the heat:









It'll take me a couple of days to get back to normal--whatever that is.  How about some cartoons while you're waiting?









I hate it when I get all sweaty--it makes my feathers stick together!!----fishducky

PS--I'm thinking of using one of these pictures regularly on my posts.  Which do you think would be more appropriate?

or