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Monday, September 24, 2012

DEAR DR. FISHDUCKY, I HAVE A PROBLEM…


IMPORTANT (TO ME, ANYWAY) NOTICE:
Starting this week (September 26, 2012) I will be posting 3 times a week--Monday, Wednesday & Friday until further notice!!  Thank you for noticing this notice.



Before we start, allow me to give you 
some general medical advice:




An old joke (to me, but hopefully new to you):

        A married couple, in their 50’s, are discussing the wife’s checkup visit at the doctor’s.  She tells him the doctor said she was in amazing shape.  She says, “He told me I had the smooth skin, perky breasts & flat stomach of a 20 year old.”  Her husband asks her, “What did he say about your 50 year old ass?”  She says, “Your name never came up!”
            Whatever you do, avoid a hospital stay (if you’re conscious)!!!  Set your own leg or remove your own appendix, if possible.  Most hospitals refuse to accept the fact that you’re a human being & have likes & dislikes.  You will be the gallbladder in Room 317 or the abscess in Room 249.  An example:
           Alan King, a comedian who was popular in my lifetime, but after dinosaurs, was a hospital patient.  A nurse (you know the kind--“How are WE today?”) would come in every morning to take his temperature.  She’d bring him a glass of apple juice & a sterile cup for a urine specimen.  She’d ask him what kind of juice he wanted the next day.  It didn’t matter what he told her—she’d ALWAYS bring him apple juice.  HE HATED APPLE JUICE!  One day, when her back was turned, he poured the apple juice into the urine cup.  She picked it up, held it to the light & said, “We look a little cloudy today.”  He grabbed it from her, took a look & said, “You’re right—we’d better run it through again!”--& drank it!!  He said it was worth drinking the apple juice just to see her run out of the room screaming!
A word of warning—if you are a stereotypical blond,
be very careful if you have acupuncture!!


            Doctors can ask very silly questions.  An OB once said that he got a call from a frantic man who said, “My wife is in labor & her pains are 2 minutes apart!”  He asked the man, “Is this her first child?”  The man said, “No, you idiot!  This is her husband!!”


A proposed health care solution:




           There can be hidden benefits to having any disease.  If you have Alzheimer’s, for instance, you get to meet new people every day, you can hide your own Easter eggs & you never have to watch reruns on TV.

           Fried foods are good for you, provided they are fried in vegetable oil & soak up lots of nutrients.  An extra-greasy donut would count as one serving of bread & two servings of vegetables.

           Avoid exercise at all costs!!  If it makes your stomach smaller, imagine what it would do to your brain!

          Even if all your pill bottles look alike, there’s still an easy way to tell which one is the PMS medicine.  It’s the one with the bite marks on the top.

I really love my primary care physician.  He’s a personal friend & an excellent doctor.  He does have one habit, however, that drives me crazy.  If I tell him I had a cold or even beriberi last week, he says, “I had that, too.  What’d you do for it?”


There are fine doctors all over the world.
For example, this specialist in Italy:


            On the off-chance that I didn’t answer all of your medical questions today, let’s move on to funerals, specifically mine.  I’ve told my husband that I didn’t want a regular funeral, with everybody sad.  Instead, I told him that I wanted fireworks to celebrate my life.  He said that fireworks weren’t his thing & offered a compromise—he said he would be willing to stick sparklers in my behind.  NOT ACCEPTABLE!!  I might be willing to settle for Maxine’s idea.



          My wonderful friend, Inger, is posting a blog about my art work tomorrow.  You can catch it here!


          Much like Mother Teresa, I’m sure I’ll be remembered for my good works.  Just ignore this cartoon about me----fishducky


The winning picture!!









34 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. As in "Oi, vay iz mir"--"Oh, woe is me"?

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  2. Loved that last one.

    I like being a nut case.

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  3. When I worked for a fireworks company, we actually offered putting your loved one's ashes into a rocket so you could be your own fireworks show at your funeral!

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    Replies
    1. It sounds good except for the "ashes" part!

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  4. Dear Fishducky, once again, I'm compelled to ask about your brain's filing system! Peace.

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    Replies
    1. It's simple--everything goes in, nothing comes out!

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  5. Lots of laughs here. I always chuckle at poor Wile E. Coyote.

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  6. I'm thinking of giving him a gift certificate from ACME WHATEVER this Christmas!

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  7. wow so much good stuff here. Consider me a new follower. Anyway Im off to grab a tall glass of cloudy apple juice.... MMMM!

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    Replies
    1. Welome--glad we could be of service! Love your blog!!

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    2. BTW, did you check out the video I put in your comments section?

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  8. You ARE a nut case, and you make me laugh.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. Don't tell anybody, but I make ME laugh, too!

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  9. You always brighten my day!! Or in this case, night. ;)

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  10. ventriloquist at the funeral xD

    finding this blog and seeing this ;) following

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  11. The girls and I laughed so hard about the ventriloquist at the funeral! Can you believe we're reading your post in California? And we get to see you soon. We're sooo excited!!!

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  12. Thanks for mentioning my blog. I only show two of your drawings today. I want to space them out so they last a long time. These two came out a bit dark, you have no idea how hard I tried to redo that, but this was the best I could do.
    Although I can image your funeral would be a lot of fun, you must please, please, promise to hang around for a long, long time to come. There's just no one like you. Enjoy your day with Elisa and her family!

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    Replies
    1. THANK YOU for featuring my artwork! I'm not planning on leaving for another 40 or 50 years!!

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  13. Love the ventriloquist at the funeral also but all these jokes made me laugh.
    Visiting from Inger's blog. You do nice drawing work. B

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    Replies
    1. "Maxine" is hilarious! Welcome, & thanks for the compliment!!

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  14. Venice Elbow! Loved that one.
    My sister was at the dentist once and she asked him if she had bad breath. He misunderstood and thought she asked if she had bad breasts (they're huge, btw)...Now that's awkward!

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  15. I'm forwarding this on to my oldest friend, a used- to be blond. She'll just love it.

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    Replies
    1. As long as you don't have to send her an explanation!

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  16. I feel like I was swept back to Bob Hope era, and the good stand-up comics. Excellent.

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    Replies
    1. I also do one liners, like "Take my wife...PLEASE!"

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  17. In case you were wondering how Elisa's visit here went, I just posted this comment on her blog:

    "To say that Bud & I enjoyed your visit is like saying Mt. Everest is kind of tall! You & Cade & the kids are all gorgeous & fun & easy to be with. The kids looked like they were having a blast--not too many restrictions here. (Just like at Miss Priss' house, right?) I enjoyed teaching the girls how to draw a fishducky--& thank you SO much for the private concert!! YOU DEFINITELY PASSED THE TEST! I'm proud to be an unofficial grandma to your kids."

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  18. I was just there at Inger's blog. Your artwork is beautiful. I love your blog. I want to follow you.

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  19. Welcome & thanks, Munir! I follow your blog & I've missed you!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.