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Friday, September 28, 2012

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO ME (WITH APOLOGIES TO JACKIE MASON)


           

            I wonder how spoken language began.   After all, when the first man spoke the first word, no one could understand him.  Sort of like today’s teenagers, when they’re talking to an adult.  I guess if you hear “Schlemmerpop!” enough times you eventually realize it means, “Holy crap!  That fire is hot!  Don’t touch it—you’ll burn yourself!!”  While I’m on the subject of language, have you noticed how little kids like to say “actually”?


            If God did not want us to eat animals, why did He give us the ability to make barbecue sauce?  Speaking of animals, will the ones who are strict vegetarians only eat vegetarians?


            The first Thanksgiving after Bud’s sister died we flew to Texas to spend the holiday with his other sister & her family.  She wasn’t expecting us so we brought our own turkey.  It was uncooked, in a gym bag with Blue Ice.  We knew she’d appreciate having family with her & we thought it would be a good opportunity for our kids to learn to speak Texan.  During that trip, they mastered the word “bycon” (see image below) & the phrase “Shee-it, howdy!”.

            I’ve only been really drunk twice in my life.  The first time, Bud was driving the babysitter home while I was trying to navigate my way down our long hall to our bedroom.  I really appreciated that the hall was narrow, because when I tipped form side to side, I could put my hand against the wall for support so I wouldn't tip over.  (Do you suppose this is where the word “tipsy” comes from?)  The other time was when the office gave us a bon voyage party.  We were leaving on a vacation the next day.  Irene, one of the secretaries, was kind enough to come home with us.  I sat on the edge of the dresser while she packed for me.  They said I had a very good time at the party.
            The only time one of my sons got smashed at a bar, he passed out.  His friends (?) took his wallet & put him in a cab.  They gave the driver instructions to go to God knows where.  When they got there, the driver woke him up & asked for his fare.  No wallet = no money = no fare.  The driver gave him another ride, free—to jail.  He learned never to drink that much again & also, I believe, to get new friends.  My other son got thoroughly soused (once) when he was a teenager.  He was a passenger in a car that was going probably 100 mph on the freeway & they rear-ended another car.  No injuries, thank heaven, but he also ended up in jail.  Jail is apparently a great teacher.     
            That reminds me, I tried pot once.  Didn’t like it.  It was a weird feeling.  I knew what was going on & I could understand everything that was said to me.  Moving my hands was another story.  My main problem, though, was that I had absolutely no memory of the last 30 seconds.  If you asked me a question, you’d just have to wait for an answer.
            You realize, don’t, you that just because you have an inferiority complex doesn’t mean you AREN’T inferior?
            My husband believes there are exactly three kinds of drivers on the road: idiots, maniacs & him.  If someone is in front of him & going too slowly, he’s an idiot, as in “Get out of the way, you idiot!”  Maniacs are the ones who cut you off to get into your freeway lane or speed past you at 500 miles per hour.  And then there’s him.
            The genes for male pattern baldness are believed to be carried by the mother.  I guess that means that if your mother is bald, you probably will be, too!
            I have been to, among other metropolises metropoli busy cities, Bangkok, Hong Kong, Tokyo, Singapore, New Orleans, Washington DC, London, Geneva, Rome & Paris.  I loved them all.  When I’m in New York, however, I feel like a hick.   I think it’s because there are so many tall buildings so close together you can’t see the sky unless you look straight up.  I get a sort of claustrophobic feeling.  We’re going there again next year when our granddaughter graduates from Georgetown.  (Does anyone else feel that way?)
             Yesterday was my birthday.  I was born 78 years ago & I'm 36 years old.  Isn't life amazing?
           
I hope you enjoyed this trip into my mind.  Be careful, it’s dark in there, with lots of twists & turns.  You could easily get lost!----fishducky




34 comments:

  1. Thanks for the chortles! Lol, the dogs are lined up behind me, trying to see what's so funny.

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    2. You're welcome! Your dogs can READ??

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  2. You are one funny lady -- and only 36 years old ... Impressive!

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    1. Wait until you see me in another few years, when I'll (still) be 36!!

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  3. I'm so sorry I missed your b-day on your own blog, but I wished you plenty of HB on other people's blogs. You know, we live in the same state, pretty close by i think, and you haven't invited me to your house? I'm a way cool chick, just ask Melynda or Jane or even Elisa, they know me well...so what gives? I'm beginning to get an inferiority complex myself, thank God I'm Italian, and we don't get inferiority complexes because we know we're just about the coolest people on the planet...and best dressed too. Besides, my husband says the same things about drivers, idiots, maniacs, him and me, I'm just crazy behind the wheel, especially when I drive my Maserati......Have a great weekend o young one! :)

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    1. Come home--all is forgiven! I know all about how cool you Italians are--my son-in-law is Italian!!

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  4. I'm laughing so loud, I'm waking up my hubby and my dogs who are sleeping in the other room! Only you could put this together, your mind is an awesome and amazing place.
    I only got drunk once as well. I didn't end up in jail, but on the couch of a writer I barely knew who lived in Old Town Stockholm with an owl. It was an Edgar Allan Poe sort of situation and I learned my lesson: Nevermore, nevermore!

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    1. I shouldn't read these comments so early in the morning. At first I thought you meant that both you & the owl got drunk!!

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    2. I really did find that do funny!! Love your sense of humour! You're only 36?! Crumbs, you're just a baby!!!

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    3. I WOULDN'T LIE!! I was born in 1934--do the math!!
      (2012-1934=36)

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    4. Crumbs, now I'm really confused as to how old you actually are!! Maths was never my strong point I'm afraid. Well, nothing much was my strong point actually!! Help!

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  5. Dear Fishducky, because I'm allergic to alcohol, I can't drink and remain standing. It took me several embarrassing incidents before I decided not to drink. One of them took place in a bar. I sipped a Tom Collins and suddenly fell off the bar stool and landed among the cigarette butts on the floor. The men sitting nearby had a few choice words for a woman such as I who couldn't hold her liquor and who lay there with her skirt halfway up her thighs! Peace.

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    1. I take it this was NOT during your time at the convent. I have a great visual image of your habit being halfway up your thighs!!

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    2. Dear Fran and Janie, this was after the convent years. Sister "Innocence" had been out of the convent one year and was still shy, reserved, and naive!!! Peace.

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  6. As I read this I kept comming up with comments, finally too many so just this:
    funny/ very funny/ I agree/ absolutely/ actually funny/yes/ true sadly but still funny/ ROFLMFAO/

    36?

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    1. Thank you/ thank you/ thank you/ thank you/ thank you!!

      I figure that if you find a good age, you should stick with it--You never know how the next year will be!

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  7. I agree with you...I still feel 35 in most things, but my digestion, baldness, diabetes, hypertension and hypercholesterolemia are telling me differently.

    My haemorrhoids are still telling me I'm 35 though.

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    1. Personally, I would never believe a haemorrhoid--& I've met a few!!

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  8. I appreciate knowing the origin of "tipsy." And fishducky smoking pot? Did your kids share it with you? My darn kids never share their drugs and booze with me. I've been really drunk twice. One time was at home. I remember crawling to the bathroom to pee. The other time was at a wedding. I had my one and only hangover the next morning.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. The pot episode took place at a young relative's home. She told me that she told her boyfriend I was going to stay with them a couple of days & asked him to get some pot for me, as per my request. He wanted to know if I was serious. She said, "You don't know her like I do--SHE"S SERIOUS!" The rest, as they say, is history.

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  9. We visited New York when I was a kid and I found it extremely claustrophobic and unending!! I felt like an ant on a giant ant hill where you couldn't see the sky. Would never want to live there.

    After I was raped at 17 (1968) I learned how to swear, drink, and smoke. I smoked pot before I smoked a cigarette (almost choked to death trying to toke it--lol!). Tried assorted pills and even a sugar cube laced with LSD (yes, I am that old). Let's just say I had a few bad years back then when I should have had counseling. But it all makes you who you are. My life has been colorful. ;)

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    1. I'm not sure "colorful" would be the word I'd use to describe it!

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  10. Hi fishducky! I've been seeing your comments over at Bodacious Boomers site and thought I would come over to tell you Happy Birthday (a day late) Hope you had a good one.

    I think that line about your husband thinking there are just three kinds of drivers is hilarious. My husband thinks the same thing. OOPS, they both can't be right.

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    2. Welcome & thanks--kick off your shoes & stay a while!

      I don't know about your husband, but MINE claims that he may not always be right, but he is NEVER wrong!

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  11. Ok I have stopped laughing so I can now leave a comment, I have been drunk a few times in my life but not very often I am just not a drinker.........that “bycon” looks good...........

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  12. You obviously need more practice...

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    1. I just noticed you're a follower--WELCOME!!!

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  13. I just found your blog from Padded Cell Princess. LOVE you. Happy Birthday. You are wonderful!!!!
    ~a

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.