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Monday, October 29, 2012

IT'S TIME TO START TRAINING!

The average mother of young children has the stamina & flexibility of an Olympic athlete, so why shouldn't there be an Olympics for them?  Of course, the events would be tailored to motherhood, however, there are some risks involved.  (see picture below)

  
Below are some proposed events:

Lifesaving luge--Teams of 3 mothers careen down a mountainside at breakneck speed to grab their babies before they put THAT in their mouths.

500 meter "Ouch, dammit!" relay--Teams of mothers carrying toddlers on their shoulders will run barefoot on a track strewn with Legos & assorted pieces of Barbie dolls.  Toddler's hands must remain over mother's eyes until baton is passed.

Consecutive bathing--Mothers will bathe as many children as possible before one of the already bathed children needs another bath.  Necessity of second bath will be determined by judges wearing Hazmat suits.

Toddler/grocery jump--Mothers will jump over free-moving toddlers while carrying multiple bags of groceries.  Extra points will be awarded for also carrying babies.  Dropping any bags or babies or will result in disqualification.

"The bake sale is tomorrow" race--Mothers will have their choice of baking 6 dozen cookies or 2 dozen cupcakes while children are clinging to their legs. Cookies & cupcakes must be frosted.  If children are frosted, competitors will be disqualified.

Brownie/Cub Scout leader craft pole vault—Mothers will have their children construct a vaulting pole using only materials found in their homes (i.e., the cardboard toilet paper center, twisty straws, paper cups, glitter, etc.).  Points will be divided equally by height of jump & beauty of pole.

"I can't find my favorite shirt" race--Mothers will be required to find, wash, dry & iron a hidden shirt in the shortest time.  Extra points will be awarded for sewing buttons back on.  Buying a replacement shirt or killing child will result in disqualification.

Boxing--Mothers must get as many children as possible in a box, tape it shut, address it & get it to UPS for shipping.  At the moment, judges are undecided whether putting air holes in the box should result in extra points or a deduction thereof.  Addressee refusing package will result in disqualification.

Beach volleyball--Mothers wearing bikinis will propel a child back & forth over a net.  Extra points will be awarded for "spiking" child.  Points will be deducted for no longer being able to fit into a bikini.

Uneven parallel bars--Officials feel this is inherently unfair & that everything in these events should be even.  They are currently working on ways to include this competition on a  more even basis.

Floor exercise--Mothers will first let toddlers feed themselves spaghetti, then clean floor using only mops, brooms, dustpans and/or the family dog.  Use of long haired dogs is suggested.

Cell phone vault--Mothers will call for help while executing a vault.  Having 911 on speed dial will result in disqualification.

Synchronized whining--(Restricted to mothers of 3 or more children) Mothers must train their children to whine a recognizable musical selection.  Extra points will be awarded for operatic arias.

"I need to be at" medley--Mothers will drive multiple children to classes, play dates & sporting events.  Extra points will be awarded for returning children to starting position.  Forgetting any necessary equipment, snacks, clothing or children will result in disqualification.

Unbalanced beam--Mothers must prepare a fancy meal for guests while executing cartwheels, splits & flips on a 4" wide beam.  Extra points will be awarded for children demanding immediate help with their homework or yelling, "She's looking at me!"  Certificate of Unbalancedment signed by a state certified psychiatrist is required. 

Bubble bath marathon--Mothers must stay in a bubble bath with NO children coming into the bathroom.  Scoring will be based on a combination of time in tub, pruniness of fingers & the amount of wine consumed.  Extra points will be awarded if mother falls asleep.  Points will be deducted for children banging on or yelling through the door.

(Ed. note)  The Scribe thinks babysitters should be able to compete, too.  Talk to the judges, Scribe!



If that doesn't work for you,
how about Olympics for your pets--or fruit?








Many animals think this post was funny:

Of course, there will always be someone who's unhappy:


I am NOT insane.  My husband had me tested----fishducky





Friday, October 26, 2012

WILL BLOG FOR FOOD


 I AM POSTING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE I THINK BLOGGER SCREWED IT UP ON WEDNESDAY!  MY FRIDAY POST WILL RUN AS USUAL.


I don't mean to sound bitter.  I know times are tough & there are many people who can't find work, no matter how hard they try.  They are forced to panhandle. THEY NEED YOUR GENEROSITY TO SURVIVE!  Unfortunately, human nature being what it is, there are others who could work but have decided to take advantage of our generosity & our gullibility, instead.  It can be very difficult, if not impossible to tell the difference.  I am wary when I hand a couple of bucks to someone on the street.

There was one time when I had no problem seeing through a scam.  I was sitting on a freeway off ramp, waiting for the signal to change so I could turn onto the boulevard.  There was a guy with a sign that said something like, "Hungry--please help--God bless".  The problem, as I saw it, was that he handed the sign to another guy & left.  I assumed his shift was over.  I didn't donate to either of them.

Here are a couple of other examples of non-needy panhandling:

Jose & Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house & has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos brings in only two to three dollars a day.
He asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign.  It says, 'I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support'.  Nobody cares."
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.  It says, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."

A man came out of a convenience store the other day & some seedy looking guy walks up to him & holds up a little sign: "DEAF & MUTE  Can you spare $10?" WOW! $10!! What happened to a dollar or two?  So he reached into his pocket for his wallet, opened it, took out a folded piece of paper & handed it to him.  It said, "I can't read"--& he walked away.

Some others I would think twice before donating to:



This could have been one of the guys I saw:



These two deserve something for their ingenuity:


A WARNING!!
YOU'D BETTER DONATE SOMETIMES!!!!

And it's not just people:


The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.  Leave a comment, anyway----fishducky



FISHDUCKY’S IMPERFECTIONS (NOT AN OXYMORON)


Janice Horton is throwing her SPELLBINDINGLY FUN BLOG PARTY today, & I promised to participate, so here's my spell.  You can go to her blog here.

LAMENT OF AN OLD WITCH

Take a cup of olive oil,
Bring it slowly to a boil.
Add feather of a golden eagle,
Three fleas taken from a beagle,
Some magic crystals, finely chopped.
Cook it 'til it starts to pop. 
Elephant hair & eye of newt,
I think that I'll throw in some fruit.
Pickled pig's foot, heart of lizard,
And just a teensy piece of gizzard.
A little pasta would be swell,
I'll just have to stir it well.
Oh, my stars, it's as I feared;
My memory has disappeared.
What was I brewing, a magic potion
Or dinner?  I haven't the foggiest notion!


And now, today's post:

                Sit down.  What I’m going to tell you may come as a shock.  I AM NOT PERFECT!   Let me give you some of the VERY FEW examples of this.
                When I was about 4--I remember being perfect until that time--my brother was ill & the doctor was coming over to examine him. (Ask your parents what the archaic term “house call” means.  Or your grandparents.)  I was in our backyard doing some genteel ladylike thing such as climbing a tree or possibly digging a hole.  My mother came & got me & dragged led me into the house so she could clean me up in preparation for the doctor’s visit.  She took a washcloth & scrubbed my face.  This did not go over too well with me.  According to my mother, I screamed at her, “PUT THAT DIRT BACK ON MY FACE!!”
We used to go to Acapulco with friends every year.  We always stayed at Hotel Las Brisas.  Las Brisas consists of about 250 “casitas” (little free-standing houses).  Each one has its own fenced in privacy pool where you could go skinny dipping without being seen by anyone.  Early every morning someone would come, clean out the old flowers & toss a few fresh hibiscuses in the pool.  (One day I told Bud I was very upset that I couldn’t use the pool yet.  He asked me why & I told him the flower man was late.  Yesterday’s flowers were still in the pool!)  Bud & I had finished our room service lunch & had put the tray outside the gate so it could be picked up & we could skinny dip without interruptions.  Someone came to get the tray & I heard some rattling of dishes & glassware.  We had been married between 20 & 25 years at the time, but as they say, old habits die hard.  When I heard the noise outside the gate & realized we were naked & in the pool together, I had a terrifying thought: “Oh, my God, my MOTHER is coming!”
Las Brisas

            Another time I (may) have been guilty:  I was driving with my 3 year old daughter & infant son in the backseat.  I drove through an intersection & was pulled over by a policeman.   I asked him why he had stopped me & he told me I had run a red light.  I honestly told him that I hadn’t—that the light was amber & changing when I went through.  My helpful (?) daughter piped up, “No, Mommy, it was red!”  It’s always nice to have a witness--however, I would have preferred one who was on my side.  I got the ticket.


And then there was the time I was feeling put upon, unappreciated & totally exhausted—in  other words, completely normal for someone with 3 children, all under the age of 6.  I couldn’t take it any longer.  I had to get away.  I HAD TO RUN AWAY!!  I couldn’t leave the kids alone so I piled them in the backseat of the car & strapped them in to keep them from killing each other.  I understand that there is a secondary (& therefore of lesser importance) benefit to seat belts.  It helps keep them safe.  They asked where we were going.  I told them “I DON’T KNOW!!!!!” & not  to say another word.  I drove.  Anywhere.  We ended up at an ice cream parlor about 5 miles from the house.  So the trip wouldn’t be a total loss, we all went in & had sundaes.  They wanted to know why I had taken them out for a treat but I wouldn’t allow them to talk yet.






Shut up & eat your ice cream----fishducky 

  




Monday, October 22, 2012

MY FRIENDS ARE FUNNY!

I’ve already told you a little about my friend, Bonnie.  See “The Curse of Bonnie” HEREI included this “Bonnieism” in that post: We were playing golf behind a very slow group of men.  She exasperatedly asked me why it is that men will spend 10 minutes looking for a lost ball, but they won’t take 5 seconds to find your “G spot”!
Here’s another of hers: Bonnie & my very prim & proper (appearing) mother-in-law, Audrey, were among our guests at a formal luncheon.  I don’t think they had met before.  They were sitting next to each other.  Something gooey, chocolaty & decadently delicious was served for dessert.  Bonnie tasted it & said without thinking, as she was prone to do, “My God, this is better than sex!” & was instantly embarrassed because of who her luncheon partner was.  She fell in love with Audrey when she smiled & replied, “Yes, it is--& you don’t have to wash up afterwards, either!”
            
Then there’s my friend, Bernice.  Her husband had Alzheimer’s & had become very argumentative.  He had become nearly impossible to live with.  Shortly after his death she & I were marketing together.  We were at the meat counter.  She told me she was buying a steak for dinner.  She said that she had had steak the previous night, but she felt like having steak again & now that she only had herself to be concerned about, she could have whatever she wanted.  Bernice looked at me & said, “There MUST be a downside to being a widow, but so far I haven’t found what it is!”


And I certainly can’t forget Barbara!  She & I sometimes used to act like a lesbian couple.  WE ARE BOTH STRAIGHT!!  We were in WalMart & had our purchases in the same cart.  I unloaded mine & then helped her unload hers.  She said, coyly, “You’re so strong & powerful—thank you!”  I lowered my voice & said, “You’re welcome, Honey.”  I paid for my things, loaded both hers & mine into the cart & told her I was taking it outside to have a cigarette while she paid for her stuff.  Apparently she didn’t hear me because she looked around & asked the cashier where her things were.  The cashier said, “Your—uh, your, uh—your FRIEND took them out!”

Barbara & I were playing golf when I slipped & broke my left wrist.  After finally convincing her that my wrist really hurt & that it wasn’t that I wanted to quit because I was playing poorly, she drove me to the ER.  She was in the room with me when the doctor told me I’d have to remove my engagement & wedding ring because my hand would swell up.  I took them off & handed them to Barb who tearfully said, “You’ve been promising me these rings forever & you had to break your wrist for me to get them!”  The look that passed between the doctor & the nurse was priceless! 

I don’t know who thought of this, but I DO know they’re my kind of people.  Some company—I can’t remember which—had an 800 number which was answered by a machine offering you a menu to reach the extension you wanted.  It said to press 1 through 7 to reach different departments.  Nothing unusual, right?  Well, not until it said, “To hear a duck quack, press 8.”  I did, & that’s exactly what I heard!  The company had absolutely nothing to do with ducks.  Someone just had a sense of humor--& didn’t want to waste option #8.  I must have called them 50 times!


For my newest followers--Kitty & Kellie:




This is all true--fishduckies don’t lie!

    




Friday, October 19, 2012

MORE MANTEQUILLA, POR FAVOR

In the early 70’s, Bud & I took a cruise to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.  Our travelling companions were a brilliant, interesting & fun couple. Phyllis is a ranked bridge player--I think a grand master--& Bob was a psychiatrist.  I think one of the reasons Phyllis married him was because he was one of the few men who could beat her at chess.  Bob sported the shaved head look long before it became popular.  You’ll see in a minute why this is important for you to know.

We were in our cabin & I was showering in preparation for dinner.  Bud opened the door to the bathroom & asked me to come into the cabin.  I said I’d be out in a couple of minutes.  He said to please come out NOW & to be sure I was wearing my robe.  He was trying very hard not to laugh.  I had left my long “gypsy” wig on the bed along with my clothes while I was cleaning up.  Wigs were very popular at the time.  Everybody was wearing them.  Even more people were wearing them than I’d realized.  Bob was sitting there visiting with Bud, with my “gypsy” wig on his shaved head!  At least I looked better in it than he did.  (I think.)  Maybe because I wore it with big hoop earrings.
(Not me--or Bob)

We stayed at a hotel on the beach.  We tried hard not to be “ugly Americans” & to speak as much Spanish as we could.  Bob really liked butter & at dinner, he always wanted more.  He would say to the waiter, “More mantequilla, por favor." We couldn’t understand why, if he could learn the word for butter—“mantequilla”— he couldn’t remember the much simpler word for more—“mas”.  He DID manage to master the emergency phrase, “Dos margaritas, por favor.  Uno con sal y uno sin sal.”  (“Two margaritas, please.  One with salt & one without salt.”)
Puerto Vallarta was just coming into being when we took our cruise.  When we were checking into the hotel, Bud asked the clerk if there were any messages for him.  The clerk asked, “On what, senor?”  The telephone--& I use the singular form—was a couple of miles away, in town.  Our friends had told us that we had to visit an artist there who did charming primitive paintings, sort of like a young Mexican Grandma Moses.  His name was Manuel Lepe Macedo—he signed his work “Lepe”.  He never attended art school—his only schooling was 4 years of primary education—but he was intelligent, personable & extremely talented.  We found him & bought 2 paintings.  One was $20.00 & the other was $40.00.  We really couldn’t afford the $60.00, but we fell in love with the paintings.  When we got home, Bud framed them himself & they’re still in those frames.

“The Night of the Iguana” (with Elizabeth Taylor & Richard Burton) had been filmed there a short time before.   Taylor & Burton bought a beach house & put a dozen or so of Lepe’s paintings there after our trip.  That started him on the road to success.  He died in 1984, when he was only 48.  Our $60.00 investment (which was not really an investment; we bought the paintings because we loved them) has increased in value.  It’s a shame that so many artists have to die before their talent is fully recognized.  His work now sells for upwards of $40,000.00—each!  Below are 2 of his paintings.  They’re not the ones we have, but they show his wonderful style.



Mas fishducky la semana proxima (More fishducky next week)

PS--HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JULIANNA!!!!!






Wednesday, October 17, 2012

HAS IT EVER BOTHERED YOU WHEN...

HAS IT EVER BOTHERED YOU WHEN...


...you can't separate the two parts of paper to open the Band-Aid wrapper?

...you have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little  plastic tag in the middle of them?

....the person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle?

...the elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on?

...there's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address?

...you open a can of soup and the lid falls in?

...you can never put anything back in a box the way it came?

...three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth?

...you drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette?

...you slice your tongue licking an envelope?

...your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading?

...you wash a shirt with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint?

...the car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing?

...a piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling?

...you set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 pm instead of 7 am?

...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out?

...you can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it?

...you reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up?

...your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire?

Me, too!


Some annoyances:



Sorry that this one if blurry, but i HAD to put it in!





Yes, I know there'e no "e" in "shoving".





No one can be happy ALL the time!----not even fishducky