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Monday, October 29, 2012

IT'S TIME TO START TRAINING!

The average mother of young children has the stamina & flexibility of an Olympic athlete, so why shouldn't there be an Olympics for them?  Of course, the events would be tailored to motherhood, however, there are some risks involved.  (see picture below)

  
Below are some proposed events:

Lifesaving luge--Teams of 3 mothers careen down a mountainside at breakneck speed to grab their babies before they put THAT in their mouths.

500 meter "Ouch, dammit!" relay--Teams of mothers carrying toddlers on their shoulders will run barefoot on a track strewn with Legos & assorted pieces of Barbie dolls.  Toddler's hands must remain over mother's eyes until baton is passed.

Consecutive bathing--Mothers will bathe as many children as possible before one of the already bathed children needs another bath.  Necessity of second bath will be determined by judges wearing Hazmat suits.

Toddler/grocery jump--Mothers will jump over free-moving toddlers while carrying multiple bags of groceries.  Extra points will be awarded for also carrying babies.  Dropping any bags or babies or will result in disqualification.

"The bake sale is tomorrow" race--Mothers will have their choice of baking 6 dozen cookies or 2 dozen cupcakes while children are clinging to their legs. Cookies & cupcakes must be frosted.  If children are frosted, competitors will be disqualified.

Brownie/Cub Scout leader craft pole vault—Mothers will have their children construct a vaulting pole using only materials found in their homes (i.e., the cardboard toilet paper center, twisty straws, paper cups, glitter, etc.).  Points will be divided equally by height of jump & beauty of pole.

"I can't find my favorite shirt" race--Mothers will be required to find, wash, dry & iron a hidden shirt in the shortest time.  Extra points will be awarded for sewing buttons back on.  Buying a replacement shirt or killing child will result in disqualification.

Boxing--Mothers must get as many children as possible in a box, tape it shut, address it & get it to UPS for shipping.  At the moment, judges are undecided whether putting air holes in the box should result in extra points or a deduction thereof.  Addressee refusing package will result in disqualification.

Beach volleyball--Mothers wearing bikinis will propel a child back & forth over a net.  Extra points will be awarded for "spiking" child.  Points will be deducted for no longer being able to fit into a bikini.

Uneven parallel bars--Officials feel this is inherently unfair & that everything in these events should be even.  They are currently working on ways to include this competition on a  more even basis.

Floor exercise--Mothers will first let toddlers feed themselves spaghetti, then clean floor using only mops, brooms, dustpans and/or the family dog.  Use of long haired dogs is suggested.

Cell phone vault--Mothers will call for help while executing a vault.  Having 911 on speed dial will result in disqualification.

Synchronized whining--(Restricted to mothers of 3 or more children) Mothers must train their children to whine a recognizable musical selection.  Extra points will be awarded for operatic arias.

"I need to be at" medley--Mothers will drive multiple children to classes, play dates & sporting events.  Extra points will be awarded for returning children to starting position.  Forgetting any necessary equipment, snacks, clothing or children will result in disqualification.

Unbalanced beam--Mothers must prepare a fancy meal for guests while executing cartwheels, splits & flips on a 4" wide beam.  Extra points will be awarded for children demanding immediate help with their homework or yelling, "She's looking at me!"  Certificate of Unbalancedment signed by a state certified psychiatrist is required. 

Bubble bath marathon--Mothers must stay in a bubble bath with NO children coming into the bathroom.  Scoring will be based on a combination of time in tub, pruniness of fingers & the amount of wine consumed.  Extra points will be awarded if mother falls asleep.  Points will be deducted for children banging on or yelling through the door.

(Ed. note)  The Scribe thinks babysitters should be able to compete, too.  Talk to the judges, Scribe!



If that doesn't work for you,
how about Olympics for your pets--or fruit?








Many animals think this post was funny:

Of course, there will always be someone who's unhappy:


I am NOT insane.  My husband had me tested----fishducky





20 comments:

  1. This is my favorite post ever! But I think Paige K. May take the gold in synchronized babies, two of hers have the twin thing going or them. :)

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  2. Dear Fran, I think, like Juli, that this is my favorite posting you have done. Just the thought of the running, bounding, leaping the mothers are doing when surrounded by children makes me dizzy! Peace.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks--reading it over still makes me chuckle!

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  3. THANK YOU! Do you think Paige would qualify with only 1 set of twins & no triplets or quadruplets?

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    1. Yes. Multiples are multiples... and Butch and Sundance are in a league of their own. I feel we could qualify people on a case by case basis, no?

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    2. I'll put in a good word for Paige, but you'll really have to discuss this with the judges!

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  4. I think you will take the Gold Medal for making people laugh.

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    Replies
    1. That would be lovely! Why, when I see the words "Gold Medal" do I still think of flour? I haven't baked in ages.

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  5. Lots of fun here, but I really chuckled over the pears skating.

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  6. :-) I laughed all the way through this.

    And no -- 7 out of 7 kitties are NOT racing! :-)

    Pearl

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    Replies
    1. High praise, indeed, from one of my idols!!

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  7. What about a cleaning off the monitor AGAIN event?

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    Replies
    1. The way I see it, you're either going to stop reading my blog or hire a cleaning service! (I vote for the cleaning service.)

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  8. Oh, how you make me laugh! Even when I'm so tired I think nothing can be funny, you still get me going.

    Love,
    Janie, who wants to play beach volleyball but would scare everyone half to death if she put on a bikini

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  9. Put on your bikini--it won't bother me. Just tell me where & when you'll be, so I can be somewhere else!

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  10. Okay, what the heck is that girl doing and what happened to her head!!!

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    Replies
    1. I DID mention there were some risks involved! Besides, do mothers really NEED heads?

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.