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Monday, October 22, 2012

MY FRIENDS ARE FUNNY!

I’ve already told you a little about my friend, Bonnie.  See “The Curse of Bonnie” HEREI included this “Bonnieism” in that post: We were playing golf behind a very slow group of men.  She exasperatedly asked me why it is that men will spend 10 minutes looking for a lost ball, but they won’t take 5 seconds to find your “G spot”!
Here’s another of hers: Bonnie & my very prim & proper (appearing) mother-in-law, Audrey, were among our guests at a formal luncheon.  I don’t think they had met before.  They were sitting next to each other.  Something gooey, chocolaty & decadently delicious was served for dessert.  Bonnie tasted it & said without thinking, as she was prone to do, “My God, this is better than sex!” & was instantly embarrassed because of who her luncheon partner was.  She fell in love with Audrey when she smiled & replied, “Yes, it is--& you don’t have to wash up afterwards, either!”
            
Then there’s my friend, Bernice.  Her husband had Alzheimer’s & had become very argumentative.  He had become nearly impossible to live with.  Shortly after his death she & I were marketing together.  We were at the meat counter.  She told me she was buying a steak for dinner.  She said that she had had steak the previous night, but she felt like having steak again & now that she only had herself to be concerned about, she could have whatever she wanted.  Bernice looked at me & said, “There MUST be a downside to being a widow, but so far I haven’t found what it is!”


And I certainly can’t forget Barbara!  She & I sometimes used to act like a lesbian couple.  WE ARE BOTH STRAIGHT!!  We were in WalMart & had our purchases in the same cart.  I unloaded mine & then helped her unload hers.  She said, coyly, “You’re so strong & powerful—thank you!”  I lowered my voice & said, “You’re welcome, Honey.”  I paid for my things, loaded both hers & mine into the cart & told her I was taking it outside to have a cigarette while she paid for her stuff.  Apparently she didn’t hear me because she looked around & asked the cashier where her things were.  The cashier said, “Your—uh, your, uh—your FRIEND took them out!”

Barbara & I were playing golf when I slipped & broke my left wrist.  After finally convincing her that my wrist really hurt & that it wasn’t that I wanted to quit because I was playing poorly, she drove me to the ER.  She was in the room with me when the doctor told me I’d have to remove my engagement & wedding ring because my hand would swell up.  I took them off & handed them to Barb who tearfully said, “You’ve been promising me these rings forever & you had to break your wrist for me to get them!”  The look that passed between the doctor & the nurse was priceless! 

I don’t know who thought of this, but I DO know they’re my kind of people.  Some company—I can’t remember which—had an 800 number which was answered by a machine offering you a menu to reach the extension you wanted.  It said to press 1 through 7 to reach different departments.  Nothing unusual, right?  Well, not until it said, “To hear a duck quack, press 8.”  I did, & that’s exactly what I heard!  The company had absolutely nothing to do with ducks.  Someone just had a sense of humor--& didn’t want to waste option #8.  I must have called them 50 times!


For my newest followers--Kitty & Kellie:




This is all true--fishduckies don’t lie!

    




27 comments:

  1. Those are my kind of women! I would have also phoned that 800 number just to hear the duck...multiple times! ;)

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  2. We know the golf ball is in there somewhere, not so sure about the G-spot!

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    1. I don't mean to get personal, but have you looked?

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  3. You don't have to wash up after a sticky chocolatey dessert? You do if you eat it the way I do.

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    1. Perhaps I should express myself more clearly...

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  4. Fishducky, dear, I think I love you; let's go to Wallyworld and convince people we're a couple....I'll be your younger 'trophy'. =)

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    1. I'm sure we could convince people we're a couple, but a couple of WHAT'S??

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  5. You are hilarious, girlfriend. I want to be your other half and play lesbian games.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. You can only be my other quarter. Jacquelineand....(above) has apparently put in her reservation & you wouldn't want to mess with Barbara!!

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  6. WE ARE BOTH STRAIGHT!!

    Thanks for clarifying. :) And thanks for pointing out that you were not on my side bar. I don't have everyone I follow on there, just the ones I read all the time. :)

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    1. WE ARE BOTH STRAIGHT!!--Otherwise my husband & 3 kids would be pissed off!

      "...just the ones I read all the time." So that excludes me?

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    2. I see I'm on there now--THANKS!!

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    3. Nope. It INCLUDES you. Somehow you got missed in the last revisit. Sorry.

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    4. It's straightened out, so everything's OK now!

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  7. LOL! What a great group of women!! You guys would have me laughing all the time.
    Could relate. I may not be a widow but I am twice divorced...and if there's a downside to living alone I haven't found it yet--LOL! :)

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  8. We played golf every Friday & went out for breakfast & shopping every Saturday--& laughed all day! How can you beat that?

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  9. When I introduced you to the fun of blogging, I didn't realize it would have consequences like these!!!

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    1. How could you have known you were creating a monster?

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  10. I'm all for more companies having ducks and other cool things on their voice mail. It'd make the waiting much less tedious.

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  11. I hate being on hold with silence, interrupted by commercials, or even worse--MUCH TOO LOUD rock music!!

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  12. I'd take quaking of a duck even if it is at the end of the list of options. We do need fun in life. Quacking of ducks certainly is fun to listen to. All of the stories are grasping from the beginning and funny in the end. Thanks for sharing:)

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  13. Hahahaha... these are hilarious. You and your friends sound exactly like my best friends from college. Everyone always looks at us like we're crazy.

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  14. Dear Fran, now I see that you'll somehow able to bring out the sense of the ridiculous in all of us! What a gift. Peace.

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  15. I think we'd all be much happier if we realized how ridiculous life really is!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.