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Wednesday, November 7, 2012

ACME PRINTERS? I'D LIKE TO ORDER 1,000 SIGNS, ASAP!


And now today's post:


Are you familiar with the comedian, Bill Engvall?  He thinks--& I agree--that all stupid people should wear a sign saying just that so you wouldn't waste your (or their) time.  

This is his reasoning:

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid".  That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.  It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind.  I didn't see your sign."


Some of his examples of people in no imminent danger of winning the Nobel Prize:


A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine.  We pulled his boat into the dock & I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass.  This idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'catch all them fish?"  "Nope--talked 'em all into giving up.  Here's your sign."

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I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.  There was a guy who invented a shark suit--& there's only one way to test it.  "All right, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on & it looks good.  They want you to jump into this pool full of sharks & you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."  "Well, all right, but hold my sign.  I don't wanna lose it."
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side of the road gas stations.  The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me & asks, "Tire go flat?"  I couldn't resist, so I said, "Nope.  I was driving around & those other three just swelled up on me.  Here's your sign."
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Then there was the guy with the eighteen wheeler.  Wouldn't you know, he misjudged the height of the overpass.  The truck got stuck & he couldn't get it out no matter how hard he tried.  He radioed in for help & eventually a local cop shows up to take the report.  He went through his basic questioning--OK, no problem.  The guy thought, "He can't say it--he's a paid official."  He thought sure he was clear of needing a sign, until the cop asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" The driver couldn't help himself.  He looked at the cop, looked back at the rig & then back at the cop & said, "No, I was delivering this overpass & my truck stalled.  Here's your sign."
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One day I locked my keys in the car & as I was standing there with a wire coat hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up & says, "Lock yer keys in the car?"  Without missing a beat I said, "Nope--just washed it & was hanging it up to dry. Here's your sign."
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Some people are so stupid--& so litigious--that manufacturers have been forced to put equally stupid disclaimers on their products.  Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods (& I cut the list WAY down)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May Cause Drowsiness.
On Sainsbury's Peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts.
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly.
On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop saw with your hands or genitals.
In a microwave oven manual: Do not use for drying pets.
On the back of a pilot's seat in a NATO aircraft: Seat must be facing forward for takeoff & landing.
On the bottom of a cola bottle: Do not open here.
On a Harry Potter wizard's broom: This broom does not actually fly.
On a box of aspirin: Do not take if allergic to aspirin.
On a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle: Some assembly required.
On a can of self defense pepper spray: May irritate eyes.
In an elevator in a Japanese hotel: Push this button in case anything happens.
On a toilet cleaning brush: Do not use orally.
On a TV remote: Not dishwasher safe.
On a box of fireworks: Do not put in mouth.

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:
On a blowtorch: Do not use for drying hair.

Stupid people should be VERY careful when making repairs:
Dave Barry said, "Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the laws of physics & mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure yourself."

For some people a disclaimer might not be enough.  They need  more specific instructions!
I got a new stick deodorant today.
The directions said: Remove cap & push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.








I'm not sure this belongs here, but he WAS stupid for honking at her!  A lady was videotaping her son riding a skateboard when her attention switched to an old woman trying to cross the street.  You can hear the lady who's doing the taping giggling as she records the event.  The video is a quick one, but you'll probably watch it more than once.  Aren't air bags great?



Dealing with morons is like trying to teach hieroglyphics to a beagle----fishducky




17 comments:

  1. Superman's cape? Harry's Broom? Is there nothing left that will help one fly any more?

    Oh wait, that's a NATO aircraft. Provided the seat's installed so the pilot can see. :)

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  2. Nope--you just have to fly on a DIY basis--like me!!

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  3. You consistently provide me with laughter, for which I'm extremely grateful. I talked these fish into giving up---love it!

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  4. I was stupid enough to pick up Trop 50 ( by Tropicana) without realizing that it was diluted with water then sweetened with Stevia.

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  5. We all slip up occasionally--don't be too hard on yourself!

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  6. What about those of us who are so insecure and have such low self-esteem that we'll wear the sign even when we do something very intelligent?

    Love,
    Janie, and I didn't mean me when I wrote "we"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have NO idea how to answer that question!

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  7. I'll take one of those signs thanks. Not because I'm particularly stupid, but because I could certainly stand to be left alone to get things done!

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    Replies
    1. I must need a sign too--because I never realized you could use them just to be left alone!!

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  8. I loved that kitty because I just know, having lived with several, that they do feel exactly that way. Just ask Dee.

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  9. Dear Fishducky, I admit to reading only the first few paragraphs of your posting today. The thing is that I feel uncomfortable in labeling people as "stupid" or "dumb." As a teacher, I learned never to discount a student. He or she might not know a lot of what was being taught, but always I discovered hidden depths to these people. Their brains were wired differently from mine but everyone has certain parts of their brain that works well for them. And so I simply don't use the words "stupid" or "dumb." People might be uneducated or "ignorant," which simply means that they haven't been exposed to some area of learning. I guess the bottom line is that I try not to label others. And I hope no one labels me. Perhaps I have no sense of humor about this. Peace.

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    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. It was all said in jest, Dee. I consider myself to have above average intelligence, but there have definitely been times where I seemed dumb, even (or especially) to myself. Relax a little!!

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    3. Dear Fishducky, I'll take your advice and "relax a little." Sometimes I just do take things too seriously. I need a regular dose of your humor to keep things in perspective! Peace.

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  10. Great comedian..loved his jokes....keep posting more jokes.
    toner manufacturers in india

    ReplyDelete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.