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Friday, November 16, 2012

FORE!! FISHDUCKY’S HITTING!!!


            I used to play golf every Friday with some of my friends.  We COULD still play--we’re still physically able to reach down & get the ball out of the hole—it’s just that getting up again has become difficult.  We played in an area that was long ago inhabited by an Indian tribe so Barbara gave the three of us “Indian” names.  She couldn’t ever remember where her ball landed so she called herself “Brain of Sieve”.   Charlene, who could spot (& remember) where anyone’s ball went was “Eye of Eagle”.  I, for some f**king reason, became “Mouth of Sewer”.  I was never a great player, but I DID speak fluent golf!

            
           Sometimes other friends would join us for 9-hole pitch & putt golf.  Our scores were recorded on the scorecard after our initials.  There was Amy, Barbara, Bernice, the “lene twins”, Char & Ar  (who were not related but just happened to be named Charlene & Arlene) & me.  No matter how hard I studied or how well I played, everyone else got an A, B or C & I always got an F.  Maybe I should have been an aardvark instead of a fishducky.

            The pitch & putt course was near a home for retired actors so we saw a lot of celebrities playing there.  One day we were playing in a group behind Jack Nicholson.  He had forgotten his club & left it on the green.  I returned it to him & he smiled that devilish smile & touched me when he thanked me!  I haven’t washed that shoulder since.  Blake Edwards’ (the producer who was married to Julie Andrews) father was a regular.  I give him a lot of credit for playing—he was in his late 80’s & you had to walk the course—but you didn’t want to play behind him.  His walk reminded me of Tim Conway when he used to do his “little old man” routine on the Carol Burnett show.  Fortunately, he would allow people to play through.  This video has nothing to do with golf, but it shows the way he walked--& it’s FUNNY!!!

Barbara & I & our husbands took an Alaskan cruise.  She & I played virtual golf on board the ship one day.  Assisting us was a prim & proper young British crew member, who will be known as Reggie.  (Let me explain what virtual golf is.  You swing a real golf club & hit what is essentially a “whiffle” ball.  The ball hits a screen showing a golf course.  Your ball shows up on the screen at the spot it “landed” on the course.  You hit your next shot from there.)  We played with borrowed, ill-fitting men’s clubs.  I hit my first shot & I can’t find it.  Reggie tells me, “Madam, it’s by the tree”.  Barbara hits hers & can’t find it.  Reggie says, “Madam, it’s in the sand trap.”  Reggie asks us if we’ve played before.  We tell him, “Of course—we play regularly!”  I hit again.  He locates it.  Barb hits again.  “Madam, it’s behind the clubhouse.  Just hit it over the clubhouse.”  She hits it again & asks where it went.  A very exasperated Reggie sighs deeply & says, “Madam, I haven’t the vaguest idea!”
Virtual golf

       Do you know what the ULTIMATE put down in golf is?  "I'm sorry, but we already have a threesome."

I'm not normally a fan of David Letterman, but I LOVE this "Top Ten" list!

10. A below par performance is considered good.

9. You can stop in the middle & have a cheeseburger & a beer.

8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

7. Foursomes are encouraged.

6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.

5. Three times a day is possible.

4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

3. If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.

2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex...

1. When your equipment gets old you can replace it!!






There's really no reason to put this here.
I just felt like dancing.




I could never understand why we weren't asked to join the pro tour!----fishducky


16 comments:

  1. I have an Indian name as well.....White Flour.

    Yup, I got it because I've been through the mill and am so refined. ;-)

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  2. I like golf, but i couldn't play three times in a day.

    Why sex is better than golf:
    If you are going slow, noone asks if they can play through!

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    Replies
    1. True, but have you ever had your partner (I'm assuming you HAVE a partner) ask you, "Is this going to take much longer?"

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  3. Loved this, but why give you an Indian name other than "Fishducky?"

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    1. They thought "Mouth of Sewer" was more appropriate. Who the f**k knows why?

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  4. I'm just getting to that point in my life where bending down is OK, but getting up again is a bi*@#!!!

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    Replies
    1. Sorry to tell you it's all going to get worse!

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  5. My mother-in-law played golf for the enjoyment of the game and she had a shelf filled with trophies; my father-in-law took the game seriously and had a bunch of broken clubs in the closet.

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    1. If he had enough, he could have melted them down & had a new set made!

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  6. I want to touch your shoulder that Jack Nicholson touched. Or could you at least post a photo of the spot?

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. Bud eventually made me wash it. He said 20 years without a shower was long enough. What nerve!!

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  7. I loved the top ten and the cartoons! The video wouldn't work, but I remember Tim Conway doing the old man shuffle. My dad's 92 and he walks like that now. ;)

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    Replies
    1. They apparently cancelled the video between the time I wrote this & now. I'll have to check in the future just before publishing!

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  8. Dear Fishducky, those cartoons pretty well summed up what can happen to golfers--they live and breathe the game! My brother loves to play. He's 73 now and not too patient with the fact that he can't drive the ball as far as he used to. And I'm so impressed every time he tells me about one of his rounds. For every one of the eighteen holes, he remembers his drive, the fairway shots and the shots into the brush, the creek, and the sandtraps. He remembers the chipping and the putting--the direction of the wind, the heat of the sun, the final score for each hole. When I go with him to watch him play, he often hooks up with another golfer and I've noticed that all golfers seem to have this memory for instant recall of a game. It's truly amazing! Peace.

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    Replies
    1. Sometimes it's amazing that we would even WANT to remember!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.