## Wednesday, December 5, 2012

### READY FOR SOME STUPID STUFF?

Of course you are!  Why else would you be reading this post?  (I guess the title qualifies as a stupid question!)

Let's start with a math problem.  I have to admit I don't understand the procedure (math is NOT my strong suit) but I DO agree with the answer:

Theorem:  All numbers are equal.  Proof: Choose arbitrary a & b, & let t = a + b.

a+ b = t
(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
a^2 - b^2 = ta - tb
a^2 - ta = b^2 - tb
a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)/2
a - t/2 = b - t/2
a = b

So all numbers are the same & math is pointless.
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A true/false quiz.  I do not guarantee the correctness of the answers:

1.   Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2.   Alfred Hitchcock did not have a belly button.
3.   A pack a day smoker will lose about 2 teeth every 10 years.
4.   People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5.   When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart.
6.   Only 7% of the population are lefties.
7.   Babies are born without kneecaps.  They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
8.   Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
9.   The average person over 50 years old will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A wire coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The real reason an ostrich sticks his head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit & the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" & "Tootsie".
20. Michael Jackson owned the rights to the South Carolina state anthem.
21. In most tTV commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint & a little thinner is used instead of real milk.
22. Prince Charles & Prince William Never travel on the same airplans, in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle, built in 1903, used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.  They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart & Princess Diana were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca Cola, it would be green.

All of the above are true.  Don't you just love number 16?

Some stupid jokes:

The parrot:

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him.  After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to get the passengers' drink orders.  The guy asks for a coffee & the parrot squawks, "And get ME a Coke, NOW!"

The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back his Coke.  However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.

As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass & screams, "Get me another Coke or I'll really create a scene!"

Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another Coke, but still no coffee.  Irritated by her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach.  He says, "I've asked you twice for a coffee.  Go & get it right now or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!"

The next minute, both the guy & the parrot are grabbed & thrown out out the emergency exit by a couple of burly security guards.

Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to the man & says, "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"

Elephant robbery:

A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery.

"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant.  A trucked backed up to me store, the doors opened & an elephant came out.  He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry & climbed back into the truck.  The doors closed & the truck pulled away."

The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian or an African elephant?"

"What's the difference?' asked the jeweler.

"Well," said the sergeant, "An African elephant has great big ears & the Indian one has little ears."

"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweler.  "He had a stocking over his head."

Last requests:

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, & she's in tears.  He says, "So what's bothering you, my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.  My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.  Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "Yes, Father.  He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damned gun!'"

These cartoons should qualify:
 I can't help it----I'm fishducky

1. How could Alfred Hitchcock not have a belly button? That would mean no umbilical cord was attached to him. Was he hatched, rather than born? Ah, life is fascinating. Richard Gere often says how grateful he is to John Travolta for turning down "An Officer And A Gentleman." That movie put Gere's career on the fast track. I think Richard Gere also has starred in some other movies Travolta turned down -- maybe "Chicago" and I don't know what else. Prince Charles and Prince William may not travel on the same plane now, but they did once upon a time. In a break from protocol, Princess Diana demanded that William join her and Charles on a tour of Australia when William was very young. They all traveled together on the same plane. And if Humphrey Bogart was a distant cousin to the princess, then he's also a distant cousin to my children. Put that in yer pipe and smoke it, or get a bong and some pot as long as you remember to share with those less fortunate than you (meaning moi).

Love,
Janie

1. I assume Hitchcock could have had some sort of stomach surgery wherein they sewed up his belly button--I also assume he WAS born with one. Travolta also turned "American Gigolo". (He also turned down "Forrest Gump".) We're probably also distant cousins. As for the rest of it, that brings us to the question, "So what?" I said I didn't guarantee that they were true!

2. Do you mean you're a distant cousin to me or to Forrest Gump? When I hear about an actor turning down a role that brings someone else great success and maybe even an Academy Award, I always think, Man, that must suck.

3. I meant distant cousins to EVERYBODY!! As I was telling my cousin, Queen Elizabeth, the other day...

2. I am frightened about # 16. Also # 7 does not sound to be true as cute as it is.
The elephant's story is neat. I shall tell that to my grand kids. Kids today look at their parent's marriage as an excuse not to get married. I heard that Twitter and Face book are keeping them pretty busy and they do not miss a girl friend or a boy friend for that matter.

1. Dating today frightens me--there is NO WAY I could handle it!

3. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep? I won't be sharing this with the missus.

1. Maybe you didn't eat the WHOLE spider...

4. Love stupid stuff. Fun collection.

5. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. ?!?!

LOL! what are the toilets doing to you? ;D

Thanks for the doze of laughter :)

1. Didn't you ever see the old movie, "Attack of the Killer Toilets"? Oh, wait, that was "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"! (Does anyone besides me remember that movie?) Never mind.

6. WELCOME to my new follower, SHERRY!! I can just hear the FA meeting, now: "My name is Sherry & I follow fishducky's blog." "Hello, Sherry!"

7. From Melynda--Well I'm in the 7 percent I guess. haha. I'm a lefty. I thought 24 was more disturbing than the spider one. (I already knew that one.. ) This one was a lot of fun Fran. Kudo's lady.

8. Mr No Name, who lives with me doesn't have a belly button either. But it was removed during surgery and don't you dare tell him I told the world about it here. He's as bad as your daughter, what's her name?
Having been a pack a day smoker back in the day and lost a bunch of teeth, I can related to number 3. The spider one is pretty upsetting, I found one in my bed the other day, so I wish I hadn't read that one.

1. I won't say a word--it'll be our little secret!!

9. I knew the knee cap thing... my mom Googles it when she couldn't figure out why Oldest's knees didn't hurt while crawling around all day.

And in truth, most of us will eat 6 spiders over our lifetime.

10. I was going to say that Hitchcock must have had some kind of surgical procedure to not have a belly button. But I knew the rest were true.

Richard Gere baffles me. He's supposed to be this spiritual man and yet he picks a lot of roles where he plays the absolute worst kind of people! ?? Just doesn't seem to jell for me with who he claims to be. I wonder what his reasoning is.

11. I agree on all counts!

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13. Was Alfred Hitchcock an alien?

1. I think he was from the same planet as me--"Mxwgmzzpr" (It's spelled just like it sounds.)

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15. Dear Fishducky, given how I feel about spiders, #16 creeped me out! Peace.

1. I thought Maggie (Padded Cell Princess) would comment on that one, but she didn't!

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.