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Monday, July 23, 2012

QUESTIONS THAT HAVE PLAGUED MANKIND FOR AGES


PREGNANCY Q & A

(Maggie at PADDED CELL CONFESSIONS posted this but I liked it so much I stole it.)

1.      Should I have a baby over 35?
              ---No, 35 children is enough.

2.      I’m 2 months pregnant now.  When will my baby move?
              ---With any luck, right after he finishes college.

3.      What is the most reliable method to determine a child’s sex?
              ---Childbirth.

4.      My wife is 5 months pregnant & so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
             ---So what’s your question?

5.      My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure.  Is she right?
             ---Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

6.      When is the best time to get an epidural?
              ---Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

7.      Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
              ---Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

8.      Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
              ---Yes, pregnancy.

9.      Do I have to have a baby shower?
              ---Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

10. Our baby was born last week.  When will my wife begin to feel & act normal again?
             ---When the kids are in college.



Are computers masculine or feminine?  It depends on who you ask.
Men say they’re feminine because:
1.      No one besides their creator understands their internal logic.
2.     The language they use to communicate with each other is incomprehensible to anyone else.
3.      Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4.      As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Women say they’re masculine because:
1.      In order for them to do anything you have to turn them on.
2.      They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
3.      They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4.      As soon as you commit to one you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
 Even though I was around at the time, why didn’t President Lincoln want my help in composing his speeches?  (Note: The wart on my nose [below] has been removed.)

Why isn’t a toothbrush called a “teethbrush”?  It’s actually logical.  You use it to brush more than one tooth.   When someone says they had their hair cut, I’m tempted to ask, “Which one?”  And why isn’t the plural of spouse “spice”?  Having “spice” should certainly add it to your marriage!
And some more things I’ve always wanted to know:
1.      Why do doctors leave the room when you undress?  Aren’t they going to see you naked, anyway?
2.      If you get to the end of the universe, is there a fence?
3.      If you are asked in court if you will swear to tell the truth, the whole truth & nothing but the truth, what would happen if you said “No”?
4.      If women with large breasts work at Hooters, do women with one leg work at IHOP?
5.      If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
6.      When lightning strikes the ocean, why don’t all the fish die?
7.      Why don’t woodpeckers get headaches when they slam their heads against a tree all day?
8.      Do sheep get static cling when they rub against each other?
9.      How can a spy tell when he runs out of invisible ink?
       10.    Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” when it doesn’t work anymore after you’ve had it done?

One more question; will you be back next time?----fishducky

PS--If you didn't get enough laughs today, read Melynda's books--JUST NONSENSE & MORE NONSENSE. Funny stuff!!