I’ve already told you a little about my friend, Bonnie. See “The Curse of Bonnie” HERE. I included this “Bonnieism” in that post: We were playing golf behind a very slow group of men. She exasperatedly asked me why it is that men will spend 10 minutes looking for a lost ball, but they won’t take 5 seconds to find your “G spot”!
Here’s another of hers: Bonnie & my very prim & proper (appearing) mother-in-law, Audrey, were among our guests at a formal luncheon. I don’t think they had met before. They were sitting next to each other. Something gooey, chocolaty & decadently delicious was served for dessert. Bonnie tasted it & said without thinking, as she was prone to do, “My God, this is better than sex!” & was instantly embarrassed because of who her luncheon partner was. She fell in love with Audrey when she smiled & replied, “Yes, it is--& you don’t have to wash up afterwards, either!”
Then there’s my friend, Bernice. Her husband had Alzheimer’s & had become very argumentative. He had become nearly impossible to live with. Shortly after his death she & I were marketing together. We were at the meat counter. She told me she was buying a steak for dinner. She said that she had had steak the previous night, but she felt like having steak again & now that she only had herself to be concerned about, she could have whatever she wanted. Bernice looked at me & said, “There MUST be a downside to being a widow, but so far I haven’t found what it is!”
And I certainly can’t forget Barbara! She & I sometimes used to act like a lesbian couple. WE ARE BOTH STRAIGHT!! We were in WalMart & had our purchases in the same cart. I unloaded mine & then helped her unload hers. She said, coyly, “You’re so strong & powerful—thank you!” I lowered my voice & said, “You’re welcome, Honey.” I paid for my things, loaded both hers & mine into the cart & told her I was taking it outside to have a cigarette while she paid for her stuff. Apparently she didn’t hear me because she looked around & asked the cashier where her things were. The cashier said, “Your—uh, your, uh—your FRIEND took them out!”
Barbara & I were playing golf when I slipped & broke my left wrist. After finally convincing her that my wrist really hurt & that it wasn’t that I wanted to quit because I was playing poorly, she drove me to the ER. She was in the room with me when the doctor told me I’d have to remove my engagement & wedding ring because my hand would swell up. I took them off & handed them to Barb who tearfully said, “You’ve been promising me these rings forever & you had to break your wrist for me to get them!” The look that passed between the doctor & the nurse was priceless!
I don’t know who thought of this, but I DO know they’re my kind of people. Some company—I can’t remember which—had an 800 number which was answered by a machine offering you a menu to reach the extension you wanted. It said to press 1 through 7 to reach different departments. Nothing unusual, right? Well, not until it said, “To hear a duck quack, press 8.” I did, & that’s exactly what I heard! The company had absolutely nothing to do with ducks. Someone just had a sense of humor--& didn’t want to waste option #8. I must have called them 50 times!
For my newest followers--Kitty & Kellie:
This is all true--fishduckies don’t lie!