I’ve
already told you a little about my friend, Bonnie. See “The Curse of Bonnie” HERE. I included this “Bonnieism” in that post: We
were playing golf behind a very slow group of
men. She exasperatedly asked me why it
is that men will spend 10 minutes looking for a lost ball, but they won’t take
5 seconds to find your “G spot”!
Here’s another of hers: Bonnie & my very
prim & proper (appearing) mother-in-law, Audrey, were among our guests at a
formal luncheon. I don’t think they had
met before. They were sitting next to
each other. Something gooey, chocolaty
& decadently delicious was served for dessert. Bonnie tasted it & said without thinking,
as she was prone to do, “My God, this is better than sex!” & was instantly
embarrassed because of who her luncheon partner was. She fell in love with Audrey when she smiled
& replied, “Yes, it is--& you don’t have to wash up afterwards, either!”
Then there’s my friend, Bernice. Her husband had Alzheimer’s & had become
very argumentative. He had become nearly
impossible to live with. Shortly after
his death she & I were marketing together.
We were at the meat counter. She
told me she was buying a steak for dinner.
She said that she had had steak the previous night, but she felt like
having steak again & now that she only had herself to be concerned about,
she could have whatever she wanted.
Bernice looked at me & said, “There MUST be a downside to being a
widow, but so far I haven’t found what it is!”
And I certainly can’t forget Barbara! She & I sometimes used to act like a
lesbian couple. WE ARE BOTH
STRAIGHT!! We were in WalMart & had
our purchases in the same cart. I unloaded
mine & then helped her unload hers.
She said, coyly, “You’re so strong & powerful—thank you!” I lowered my voice & said, “You’re
welcome, Honey.” I paid for my things,
loaded both hers & mine into the cart & told her I was taking it
outside to have a cigarette while she paid for her stuff. Apparently she didn’t hear me because she
looked around & asked the cashier where her things were. The cashier said, “Your—uh, your, uh—your
FRIEND took them out!”
Barbara & I were playing golf when I slipped
& broke my left wrist. After finally
convincing her that my wrist really hurt & that it wasn’t that I wanted to
quit because I was playing poorly, she drove me to the ER. She was in the room with me when the doctor
told me I’d have to remove my engagement & wedding ring because my hand
would swell up. I took them off &
handed them to Barb who tearfully said, “You’ve been promising me these rings
forever & you had to break your wrist for me to get them!” The look that passed between the doctor &
the nurse was priceless!
I don’t know who thought of this, but I DO know
they’re my kind of people. Some
company—I can’t remember which—had an 800 number which was answered by a
machine offering you a menu to reach the extension you wanted. It said to press 1 through 7 to reach different departments. Nothing unusual,
right? Well, not until it said, “To hear
a duck quack, press 8.” I did, & that’s
exactly what I heard! The company had
absolutely nothing to do with ducks.
Someone just had a sense of humor--& didn’t want to waste option
#8. I must have called them 50 times!
For my newest followers--Kitty & Kellie:
This is all true--fishduckies don’t lie!
