Wednesday, December 5, 2012


Of course you are!  Why else would you be reading this post?  (I guess the title qualifies as a stupid question!)

Let's start with a math problem.  I have to admit I don't understand the procedure (math is NOT my strong suit) but I DO agree with the answer:  

Theorem:  All numbers are equal.  Proof: Choose arbitrary a & b, & let t = a + b.

a+ b = t
(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
a^2 - b^2 = ta - tb
a^2 - ta = b^2 - tb
a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)/2
a - t/2 = b - t/2
a = b

So all numbers are the same & math is pointless.

A true/false quiz.  I do not guarantee the correctness of the answers:

1.   Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2.   Alfred Hitchcock did not have a belly button.
3.   A pack a day smoker will lose about 2 teeth every 10 years.
4.   People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5.   When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart.
6.   Only 7% of the population are lefties.
7.   Babies are born without kneecaps.  They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
8.   Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
9.   The average person over 50 years old will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A wire coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The real reason an ostrich sticks his head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit & the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" & "Tootsie". 
20. Michael Jackson owned the rights to the South Carolina state anthem.
21. In most tTV commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint & a little thinner is used instead of real milk.
22. Prince Charles & Prince William Never travel on the same airplans, in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle, built in 1903, used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.  They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart & Princess Diana were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca Cola, it would be green.

All of the above are true.  Don't you just love number 16?

Some stupid jokes:

The parrot:

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him.  After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to get the passengers' drink orders.  The guy asks for a coffee & the parrot squawks, "And get ME a Coke, NOW!"

The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back his Coke.  However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.

As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass & screams, "Get me another Coke or I'll really create a scene!"

Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another Coke, but still no coffee.  Irritated by her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach.  He says, "I've asked you twice for a coffee.  Go & get it right now or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!"

The next minute, both the guy & the parrot are grabbed & thrown out out the emergency exit by a couple of burly security guards.

Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to the man & says, "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"

Elephant robbery:

A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery.

"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant.  A trucked backed up to me store, the doors opened & an elephant came out.  He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry & climbed back into the truck.  The doors closed & the truck pulled away."

The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian or an African elephant?"

"What's the difference?' asked the jeweler.

"Well," said the sergeant, "An African elephant has great big ears & the Indian one has little ears."

"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweler.  "He had a stocking over his head."

Last requests:

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, & she's in tears.  He says, "So what's bothering you, my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.  My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.  Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "Yes, Father.  He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damned gun!'"

These cartoons should qualify:

I can't help it----I'm fishducky