IF THIS IS IN YOUR PERFORMANCE REVIEW...

...you may be looking for a new job soon!!  Keep an eye out for any comments of this sort:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom... and has started to dig." 

"His men would follow him anywhere... but only out of morbid curiosity." 

"I would not allow this employee to breed." 

"This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'." 

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." 

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 

"This employee has delusions of adequacy." 

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 

"This employee should go far... and the sooner he starts, the better." 

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together." 

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless." 

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." 

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 

arcamax.com

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My own employment history:

Right after the end if the Ice Age When we were married Bud was in the Army & stationed at Fort Ord.  I worked as a dental assistant on the post.  My boss was Dr. Joe Stewart, who was from Anniston, Alabama.  Languages & accents are fun for me.  I tend to “parrot” them without realizing it.  Bud told me that I was beginning to speak with a southern accent.  I told Dr. Stewart what Bud had said & he responded, “So what?   Why’s he complainin’?  Y’all talkin’ right fo’ the first time in yo’ life!”

He used to do dental work under general anesthesia on Wednesday mornings.  One day he asked me if I’d like to watch.  I told him I would.  I got scrubbed & gowned, went in & stood a few feet from the table as he started to work.  He told me I couldn’t see well enough from there & that I should move closer.  I did.  He said that I still wasn’t close enough.  I moved again.  Not close enough. I moved again & by this time I was right next to the patient’s head.  Dr. Stewart said that if I was going to stand that close I might as well help & slapped a suction hose into my hand.  I assisted him in surgery from that Wednesday on.

Almost all of our patients were children.  Their parents could be with them while we worked if they wanted.  When he was about to start, he would usually say, “Open your mouth & let’s take a peek.”  Usually.  One time, however, with the mother there, he slipped.  What came out was, “Open your mouth & let’s take a LEAK.”  It broke the two of us up—mommy didn’t hear it.  

After Bud was discharged I worked as a dental assistant for Dr. Taub, a children’s dentist.  Since many kids are scared of people wearing medical whites, we wore street clothes.  During the summer we could wear shorts.  Once, another dentist came over to pick up Dr. Taub to go out to lunch.  He questioned my boss on our attire.  I heard Dr. Taub tell him, “When most dentists are hiring a new assistant, they usually ask where she went to school.  I say, ‘Lemme see your legs, baby!’”  (This was obviously  before the days of political correctness.)

That was a great place to work.  I happily did his banking & ran errands because he let me drive his new Ford Thunderbird convertible instead of my car.  He used to take two hour lunches so the receptionist & I would alternate weeks, staying in the office one week & taking two hours out the next.  We were only about five minutes from Santa Monica beach, so I could spend an hour or so on the sand, drive back & get cleaned up in his private shower before I had to go back to work.  Not too tacky!

I've run these before, but I love them:

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday----fishducky

 

DON'T SCREW WITH SENIORS!!

This first story is from an old post, but I thought it bears repeating:

We went to an upscale Beverly Hills restaurant to celebrate my son-in-law’s birthday.  An older gentleman (maybe 80-85) was having dinner with his wife.  He was wearing a visor & his thick salt & pepper hair, about 2” long, was sticking up behind the visor.  There was a party of 12 at the table next to him.  The people at the 2 tables were apparently chatting back & forth, because at one point the older man smiled at them, rose & tipped his visor to one of the ladies in a gentlemanly manner.  I couldn’t believe what I saw.  The hair, which was not his, but a part of the visor, came off!  It was part of a baseball cap, with the hair sewn on top so it would look realistic.  He then put it back on his shiny bald head.  With his hair intact, he sat down & resumed eating.  It’s a good thing I was drinking club soda & not red wine.  Everyone within spitting distance would have been wearing merlot.

This is a video of the visor:

This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you. 

  
Dear Lions Bay School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone.  I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady. 

  

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe. 

  

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.  She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off. 

  
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity. 
  
God bless you all. 
  
Sincerely, 
Edna
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The next two are from Cranky Old Man--thanks, Joe!!:

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one,  and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends  E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up..

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with  four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
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Misplaced my glasses...

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are about 72 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do now... I signed up for five jumps a week." The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

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A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. After the bruises heal, she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"  "About 32," the clerk replies.  "I turned 47 yesterday," the woman says happily, and then moves to her next stop. 

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and, upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I turned 47 yesterday!" Now she is feeling really good about herself. 

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell exactly how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your breasts." 

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the heck, go ahead." The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "OK already: how old am I?" 

He removes his hands and says, "You are 47 years and one day old." 

"That is amazing!" the stunned the woman says. "How did you know?" 

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

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I'm 79 & my husband is 81.  We went to a restaurant & were told the wait for a table would be approximately 45 minutes.  If I told the maitre d' our ages & said we may not live that long, do you think we'd have been seated immediately?

This [LINK] seems to fit in here!!

Another old lady strikes back:

The attitude of some elderly people: Earth is full--go home!!----fishducky

HO, HO, HO & ALL THAT STUFF!!

(A repost--except for the cartoons))

In 1979, when I wrote this, it was meant to be a joke just for Bud because I was tired of getting Xmas newsletters that said my husband was just elected God or my child just turned 6 & he's already Phi Beta Kappa. It's based on truth, as most humor is. Nameless was studying in Europe, Matt was at Northridge & worked for a sewer company. The “chunnel” (the tunnel across the English Channel) had not yet been built—I don’t know if it had even been planned at the time. Blake had just gotten his driver's license. General Motors was doing a lot better than they are now & we did buy a treadmill--also, we had a dog, Pepi. Bud liked it so much we sent it out with our cards. After receiving it, a friend told me that her husband asked her how I could brag like that. I liked her simple explanation: “It’s satire, stupid!”

Some different holiday bellringers:

This goes with the bellringers:

(LINK)

My gift to you--cartoons:

There's an off-chance this is inappropriate:

Here's your holiday card:

The front:

The inside:

And the back:

I sent this note to Santa: "Dear Santa, This year, please give me a big fat bank account & a slim body.  And please, don't mix those two up like you did last year."  It didn't help!!----fishducky

 

JUST A BUNCH OF RANDOM STUFF

The post I scheduled for last Friday (I HOPE I HAD A GOOD TIME) never showed up on my blog roll.  Some people got it--some didn't.  If you missed it & are interested in reading it now, scroll down to "older post" at the end of this foolishness & click.  Hopefully, it'll be there.

From Merriam-Webster's Dictionary:

RANDOM, adj.

1a: Lacking a definite plan, purpose, or pattern

    b: Made, done, or chosen at random <read random passages from the book>

2a: Relating to, having, or being elements or events with definite probability of occurrence <random processes>

    b: Being or relating to a set or to an element of a set each of whose elements has equal probability of occurrence <a random sample>; also :  characterized by procedures designed to obtain such sets or elements <random sampling>

3: See fishducky

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One of our granddaughters attends Fairfield University in Connecticut.  I don't know if it's because it's a good school or the fact that her sweatshirts have "FU" on them. 

When one of her grandsons was married, Audrey (my mother in-law) & Phil, my parents & 2 other couples, all of whom were married 50+ years, were sitting at one table.  When the groom came to visit their table she told him, “Glenn, look at us.  If this doesn’t scare you, nothing will!”

We were planning on remodeling our house & a contractor came over with his two little daughters, about 5 & 6 years old.  The girls were sitting on the couch playing a word game while we adults were talking.  I guess the younger girl was too slow with an answer because her sister slapped her & said, "No fair thinking!!"

How old did I look then dept: Sometime in the 70's (when I was around 40), I was doing some shopping in Century City.  There was a huge line in front of a ticket agency.  I asked a 20 or so old man in line what was happening.  He mumbled, "Led Zeppelin is doing a show."  I couldn't understand him, so I said, "What?"  He said, "It's a rock group, ma'am."

I was driving through a very disreputable section of Los Angeles (MacArthur Park) to photograph some Victorian houses for a series of drawings I wanted to do.  I would drive slowly, looking at the houses, & stop when I saw one that I wanted to shoot.  Some guy came up to me & wanted to know what the hell I was doing.  He must have thought I was "casing the joint."  Fortunately, I had some sketches in the car which I showed him so he decided not to call the police!! 

Here's an example:

This guy does great things with his kids' sandwich bags.  (LINK)

It's all in the punctuation:

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
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In the mood for holiday songs?  Here are some children's versions:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly 


We three kings of porridge and tar 


Sleep in heavenly peas 


On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me 

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire. 

He's makin' a list, chicken and rice. 


Noel, Noel, Barney's the king of Israel. 


With the jelly toast proclaim 

Olive, the other reindeer. 

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say 


In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is sparse and brown 

You'll go down in Listerine 

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay 
O come, froggy faithful 

You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

Does your wife or husband drive you up the wall? 

How about a random joke?

An old fellow fell in love with a lady. He got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her. 

 

She replied, "OK." 

He said, "Will you marry me?" 

She replied, "Yes," then asked what his second question was. 

He replied, "Will you help me up?"

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I saw this in Kellie's post

(delightfullyludicrous.blogspot.com)

& HAD to include it!!

And, of course, some cartoons:

On our last anniversary, I thanked my husband for 55 wonderful years of marriage.  He said, “We've been married 58 years!”  I replied, “And your point would be?”----fishducky