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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

WRITER'S BLOCK IS NO MATCH FOR FISHDUCKY



Sometimes I just can’t seem to decide on what subject (or subjects) to write about,
so I just write about everything—like today!

Back in the days when dinosaurs roamed the earth  During the Dark Ages  Before the TV remote was invented, you had to actually get off your butt the couch & go to the TV to change the channel.  That is, unless you had kids.  Once, when our youngest son was about 6 or 7, my husband asked him to change the channel.  (At that age, what else are they good for?)  Bud had apparently made this request once too often, because as he was walking towards the TV our son turned & asked his father, "Who changed the channel for you before you guys had kids?"  He got an honest answer--"Your mother!"

We gave a dinner party for our neighbors at our beach condo.  Almost all of the owners were senior citizens, but our guests also included a younger couple with a 3 year old daughter, Lexi.  I loved this kid!  An animated conversation was going on at the table & Lexi was making a comment.  One of the other guests started to speak & Lexi just looked at him & politely but firmly said, "Excuse me, I was talking!"  Not bad for 3 years old!!

How to insult your husband without him getting upset: My husband was just sitting around, doing nothing, & I told him he was "my idol".  At least, that's what he thought I said.  He was very pleased.  What I actually told him was that he was "my idle".  What he doesn't know won't hurt him!  I COULD HAVE asked him to do this:


For those of you out there who are still fond of your husband, a joke:

The Good Old Days

Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" 

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"



A stripper wanted Bud to handle her lawsuit.  The Post Office claimed that a film she made was too lewd to send through the mail.  He had to watch the film to make a judgment, so she gave him a copy.  His dad had the right kind of movie viewer so we took it to his house.  It was tame by today's standards.  There was one part where she had her back to the camera & was bent over with her hands on her knees, swaying her butt from side to side.  My father-in-law looked at it & commented, "Just put a tail on her & she would go "Moo!!"
Not his actual client

Which reminds me, there was a study done recently on women's ass sizes & how they felt about them.  Here are the results:

My philosophy:




Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley
----fishducky

P.S.  Melynda of CRAZY WORLD is taking a little (I hope) vacation from blogging.  She's selling those wonderful Herbalife products online.  Check her out at https://www.GoHerbalife.com/melyndafleury/en-US













Monday, January 28, 2013

KEEP DIGGING! THERE'S A BRAIN IN THERE SOMEWHERE!!

My husband tried to take out a new insurance policy on me.  He was refused.  They claimed "weirdness" was a preexisting condition.

Our friend, Joe, was the president of a rather large organization.  He had to speak at all their meetings.  He was a little over 6' tall & usually had to raise the microphone before he spoke.  Once, though, he followed a speaker who was about 6'6" & he tried to lower the microphone to his level.  It got stuck!  After a few tries, he was successful.  He opened his talk with a line he had been saving for years: "That's the first time I ever had trouble getting it DOWN!"

Our son. Blake, was a hypochondriac as a kid.  Thank heaven, he grew out of it.  We used to think that if you changed the name & dates, this could have been his tombstone, although we have no need for one, yet:


When he was around 8 years old, he was acting up--running around me & driving me crazy.  I grabbed at him to make him stop & got his hand.  He claimed I hurt him but I couldn't see anything wrong.  He kept complaining so Bud took him to the ER.  When they came home, Blake had a splint on his little finger.  He looked at me & told me, with a very smug smile, "See?  I told you that you broke my finger!"  It's amazing what little it takes to make some kids happy!

While I think of it, some other funny tombstones:



I love this one:



Our sweet daughter, Nameless, once told us, "I love you two so much that I'm going to live with you forever!"  That would have been adorable if she was 3 or 4 years old, but she was in her teens at the time!  She just said it to drive us nuts--& it worked!!

When our three kids were all under 10 years old, we took them & my sister-in-law's three (the same age as ours) on a trip to the Grand Canyon.  People would ask us if we were all one family.  The kids usually told them, "No, we left the little ones at home!"  I think it would have been funnier to tell them this:

A man boarded a plane with six kids.  After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "
He replied, " No, Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "


I make stained glass windows.  Here are some examples:

In our entry hall:




Over our daughter's front door:

The reason I mention it is that I once was a volunteer decorating the Rose Bowl floats.  That made me believe in karma.  The float I worked on was a replica of a Victorian style house.  They had me do the stained glass windows!  (Volunteer if you get the chance--it's a lot of work but also lots of fun!)

I once heard about a woman who was extremely proud of how beautifully her dog was trained.  He would never eat anything without being given permission to do so.  She was giving a cocktail party one evening & had set down a tray of canapes on a coffee table in the living room while she went to take a shower.  Her dog must have really liked them--he hadn't eaten any, but was busily licking the tops of all of them when she came back into the room!  (No, I don't know if she served them to her guests or not.)

This may be her dog discussing it with a friend:

This has nothing to do with today's post. 
 I just had to show it to you!
What would you do if a bear suddenly came out of nowhere?



Sometimes I stay on a theme--obviously NOT today!----fishducky

P.S.  Melynda of CRAZY WORLD is taking a little (I hope) vacation from blogging.  She's selling those wonderful Herbalife products online.  Check her out at https://www.GoHerbalife.com/melyndafleury/en-US

    

Friday, January 25, 2013

CARS & DRIVING & STUFF


Let’s talk about cars & driving & stuff like that.  You go first.
OK, I’ll start, but feel free to jump in any time.  Let’s begin with a rude joke:
Yo’ momma’s so fat, her driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”


I saw a sleek sports car on the road with the license plate WAS HIS.  It could have belonged to a couple named Wendy Ann Smith & Harold Ignatius Smith, but I prefer to think that she got it in the divorce settlement.
This actually happened: A Chinese tourist went to court in California to protest a parking ticket.  The State claimed he parked his car in a “No Parking” zone.  He brought a picture of the area to show that he had parked legally—that there was even a sign that invited him to leave his car there.  The picture showed his car directly under a sign that said “FINE FOR PARKING”.  It’s just possible there was a language problem.

This probably didn’t:  A car carrying 4 Texans is pulled over for speeding.  The cop asks the driver if he saw the speed zone sign that he had just passed.  The driver says, “Yeah, I saw it!  It said ‘Speed zone 25 miles a head.’  I figured there was 4 of us so we could go 100 miles an hour.  We wasn’t going anywhere near that!”

Wife: "There's trouble with the car.  It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor?  That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you, the car has water in the carburetor!"
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is.  Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the swimming pool."

I got this in an email, so it MUST be true:

I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking & driving.  As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.  A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends & had a couple of cocktails & some rather nice red wine.  Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before--I took a cab home.  I passed a police roadblock, but since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a cab before & am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage!

Are your kids driving yet?
My daughter says to beware of old men wearing newsboy caps.

He thinks so, too!


 
 I say, “Beware of ME”!


Beware of all of us geezers!






AND WATCH THE ROAD!!

I wrote the following post last year. 
Inger at desertcanyonliving.blogspot.com published it 1/19/12.

MEANDERINGS ABOUT MOTORING

I love to drive!  My first Mustang, which I think was a ’69, was the first car I had which my husband hadn’t driven for years prior to my driving it.  It was also the first car I had which (deliberately) could not hold a troop of Boy or Girl Scouts.  The government had a ban on manufacturing convertibles at that time because of safety concerns.  There were, however, no laws about making your own convertibles.  We had the car decapitated & a convertible top put on! Once I was driving about 4:00am on a virtually deserted freeway when I glanced at my speedometer.  I was going 105!  I reluctantly slowed down.

My husband, Bud, drives slightly differently.  I have accused him of being a graduate of the HELEN KELLER SCHOOL OF DRIVING.  He is apparently more comfortable driving by Braille, because he is constantly on the Bott’s dots (the little reflective markers used to separate lanes) so he can feel his way along the road.  He used to travel.  When he was out of town, I would sometimes drive over the dots so I could pretend he was still home.

I could never understand why men doubt women’s ability to drive.  Once, when I was backing out of a parking space at Sears, a very SIMPLE thing to do, I noticed a man standing behind me, directing me & waving me on.  He said, “Plenty of room, lady!”  I wanted to kill him!  If I had, I’m sure a jury (of women) would have found sufficient cause to set me free.

Another example:  I drove through a very narrow, twisty entryway into a crowded parking lot. The attendant told me they were full.  I asked him if there was someplace I could turn around & he told me there wasn’t—I would have to back out the way I came in.  I told him OK & put the car in reverse.  He started to give me a lesson on how to back my car out.  I leaned out the window & said, “No problem—I used to drive race cars for a living!”  A total lie, but who cares?

Around 1975 we bought a condo on Maui.  A client of Bud’s gave us an old VW bus & had it shipped over.  My kids & I brush painted it Yellow Cab yellow & covered it with cartoon drawings.  (How often do kids get to paint pictures on a car WITH the owner’s permission?)  On the front it said, “Holo holo duck” (wandering around duck) & had my fishducky picture on it.  I was taking the kids from Kaanapali to Lahaina one day & stopped at a hotel to pick up a friend.  A lady approached & asked if this bus goes to Lahaina.  I told her it did.  She asked the cost & I told her it was a free shuttle.  I drove her to Lahaina.  She may still be there waiting for a ride back.  If you see her, tell her we went out of business.
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And one more "funny" for the road:

Drive safe, now----fishducky

P.S.  Melynda of CRAZY WORLD is taking a little (I hope) vacation from blogging.  She's selling those wonderful Herbalife products online.  Check her out at https://www.GoHerbalife.com/melyndafleury/en-US





Wednesday, January 23, 2013

MAXINE, MY MENTOR

Where did Maxine come from?  This is interesting.  I never knew who the creator of Maxine was!  After the Maxine jokes there is a summary of how she was created & a photo of her creator.  More from the gal everyone loves & admires:

DON'T MISS THE VERY LAST ONE, "TOWEL HEADS"...I love it!!


      





















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John Wagner, Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when 'fill in the pumpkins' was about the extent of his art classes at St. John's Catholic School in Leonia, N.J.



John remembers doodling as a preschooler and says both his grandmother and his mother encouraged his artistic interests. He eventually attended the Vesper George School of Art in Boston and landed at Hallmark as part of a new artists group. But it was the birth of the humorous Shoebox Greetings (a tiny little division off Hallmark) in 1986 that added a new dimension to John's professional life. The Shoebox way of seeing the world unleashed his talents and he created Maxine.


Why the name “Maxine”?   “People at Shoebox started referring to the character as 'John Wagner's old lady,' and I knew that would get me into trouble with my wife”, John says. The Shoebox team had a contest among themselves to name the character and three of the approximately 30 entries suggested “Maxine”.  John says the name is perfect.


John, who says he's humbled by such acceptance of Maxine, admits he's proud of her.

Now you know the story of how Maxine came to   be.


I'll say it again--I want to be just like Maxine when if I grow up----fishducky

  

Monday, January 21, 2013

HARK! I HEAR A BABBLING FISHDUCKY!!





Not that my usual conversations make much more sense, but I was talking to myself a couple of days ago & I couldn't hear what I was saying because I was mumbling.  I asked myself (not too politely, I guess) to speak up & I was told, "You don't have to yell at me!" & now we're not speaking. I guess that was normal.  For me.   Never mind.  (Note: Speaking to oneself is common & not in any way a cause for concern.  It’s when you ask yourself a question & then say, “What?” that you should start worrying.)
There may not be a ladies’ Viagra, but did you know that there are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women?  It’s true.  Chief among these devices is the Mercedes Benz 380sl convertible.

Women, do you hate to try on new clothes in a store’s dressing room? Maybe you should shop here:

                           


I like businesses that have a sense of humor.  I have actually seen these trucks with their slogans:
CULVER CITY MEAT & PROVISION—“You Can’t Beat Our Meat"
ARROGANT BASTARD ALE—“You’re Not Worthy”

These (from outwestnewspaper.com) are professed to be real.  I have no reason to doubt them:
ART”S ELECTRIC--“Let Us Remove Your Shorts”
    HOGAN’S WINDOW CLEANING—“Your Pane is Our Pleasure”
         SLIM”S SANITATION—“We’re #1 in the #2 Business”
    ACME RADIATOR—“The Best Place in Town to Take a Leak”
         AMAZING ELECTRICS—“If it Works, it’s Amazing”
     FLORENCE GLASS SERVICE—Give Us a Break”
         GLENN”S PASTRIES—“Get Your Buns in Here”
         (& my personal favorite)
    WILLET'S WINCHING—“Can’t Get it Up?”


These are not current business slogans or signs (as far as I know) but I think they should be:

VET”S WAITING ROOM—“Back in 5 Minutes.  Sit!  Stay!”
         MATERNITY HOSPITAL DOOR—“Push, Push, Push!”

BRAKE SHOP—“Free Brake Check.  Stop Here if You Can”

         ELECTROLUX VACUUMS—“Nothing Sucks Like an Electrolux”

FUNERAL HOME—“Drive Carefully.  We’ll Wait”




 We have a friend who used to own a supermarket whose slogan was, "Lowest in price, highest in quality".  He once showed us a flyer he had printed every week.  That particular week, the printer must have hired a new proofreader.  I assume he hired another the following week because in the flyer he showed us the slogan read, “Lowest in price, lowest in quality”!!
           

Here’s an inspirational story sent to me by JANIE JUNEBUG at WOMEN: WE SHALL OVERCOME (dumpedfirstwife.blogspot.com):

THE PASTOR’S ASS

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in 
another race, and it won again.
The local paper read:

   PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. 
The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.  The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.  The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted!  He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.  The next day the papers read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey & lead it to the plains where it could run wild.  The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS NOW WILD & FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is: Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief & misery.  It can even shorten your life.  So be yourself & enjoy life to the fullest.  Stop worrying about everyone else's ass & you'll be a lot happier & live longer!



No brains were used harmed in the writing of this post----fishducky