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Friday, January 25, 2013

CARS & DRIVING & STUFF


Let’s talk about cars & driving & stuff like that.  You go first.
OK, I’ll start, but feel free to jump in any time.  Let’s begin with a rude joke:
Yo’ momma’s so fat, her driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”


I saw a sleek sports car on the road with the license plate WAS HIS.  It could have belonged to a couple named Wendy Ann Smith & Harold Ignatius Smith, but I prefer to think that she got it in the divorce settlement.
This actually happened: A Chinese tourist went to court in California to protest a parking ticket.  The State claimed he parked his car in a “No Parking” zone.  He brought a picture of the area to show that he had parked legally—that there was even a sign that invited him to leave his car there.  The picture showed his car directly under a sign that said “FINE FOR PARKING”.  It’s just possible there was a language problem.

This probably didn’t:  A car carrying 4 Texans is pulled over for speeding.  The cop asks the driver if he saw the speed zone sign that he had just passed.  The driver says, “Yeah, I saw it!  It said ‘Speed zone 25 miles a head.’  I figured there was 4 of us so we could go 100 miles an hour.  We wasn’t going anywhere near that!”

Wife: "There's trouble with the car.  It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor?  That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you, the car has water in the carburetor!"
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is.  Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the swimming pool."

I got this in an email, so it MUST be true:

I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking & driving.  As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.  A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends & had a couple of cocktails & some rather nice red wine.  Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before--I took a cab home.  I passed a police roadblock, but since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a cab before & am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage!

Are your kids driving yet?
My daughter says to beware of old men wearing newsboy caps.

He thinks so, too!


 
 I say, “Beware of ME”!


Beware of all of us geezers!






AND WATCH THE ROAD!!

I wrote the following post last year. 
Inger at desertcanyonliving.blogspot.com published it 1/19/12.

MEANDERINGS ABOUT MOTORING

I love to drive!  My first Mustang, which I think was a ’69, was the first car I had which my husband hadn’t driven for years prior to my driving it.  It was also the first car I had which (deliberately) could not hold a troop of Boy or Girl Scouts.  The government had a ban on manufacturing convertibles at that time because of safety concerns.  There were, however, no laws about making your own convertibles.  We had the car decapitated & a convertible top put on! Once I was driving about 4:00am on a virtually deserted freeway when I glanced at my speedometer.  I was going 105!  I reluctantly slowed down.

My husband, Bud, drives slightly differently.  I have accused him of being a graduate of the HELEN KELLER SCHOOL OF DRIVING.  He is apparently more comfortable driving by Braille, because he is constantly on the Bott’s dots (the little reflective markers used to separate lanes) so he can feel his way along the road.  He used to travel.  When he was out of town, I would sometimes drive over the dots so I could pretend he was still home.

I could never understand why men doubt women’s ability to drive.  Once, when I was backing out of a parking space at Sears, a very SIMPLE thing to do, I noticed a man standing behind me, directing me & waving me on.  He said, “Plenty of room, lady!”  I wanted to kill him!  If I had, I’m sure a jury (of women) would have found sufficient cause to set me free.

Another example:  I drove through a very narrow, twisty entryway into a crowded parking lot. The attendant told me they were full.  I asked him if there was someplace I could turn around & he told me there wasn’t—I would have to back out the way I came in.  I told him OK & put the car in reverse.  He started to give me a lesson on how to back my car out.  I leaned out the window & said, “No problem—I used to drive race cars for a living!”  A total lie, but who cares?

Around 1975 we bought a condo on Maui.  A client of Bud’s gave us an old VW bus & had it shipped over.  My kids & I brush painted it Yellow Cab yellow & covered it with cartoon drawings.  (How often do kids get to paint pictures on a car WITH the owner’s permission?)  On the front it said, “Holo holo duck” (wandering around duck) & had my fishducky picture on it.  I was taking the kids from Kaanapali to Lahaina one day & stopped at a hotel to pick up a friend.  A lady approached & asked if this bus goes to Lahaina.  I told her it did.  She asked the cost & I told her it was a free shuttle.  I drove her to Lahaina.  She may still be there waiting for a ride back.  If you see her, tell her we went out of business.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And one more "funny" for the road:

Drive safe, now----fishducky

P.S.  Melynda of CRAZY WORLD is taking a little (I hope) vacation from blogging.  She's selling those wonderful Herbalife products online.  Check her out at https://www.GoHerbalife.com/melyndafleury/en-US





29 comments:

  1. LOL! The taxi one made me giggle! I totally didn't see it coming!

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  2. That video had me chuckling in my beans and rice this morning. Love the car in the swimming pool too.
    Have a safe weekend. Don't light any fireworks. I swore it was Saturday when I got up this morning. Great, I gained an extra day.

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  3. I am regulаr viѕitοr,
    hoω are you еνeгybody? Thiѕ articlе posted at thіs wеb pаge іѕ actually gooԁ.
    Also see my web site :: Loans for Bad Credit

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm fine, thank you--& you? So is Joe (see below).

      Delete
  4. Always good stuff! And your daughter is right about the newsboy hats! I love mine.

    Hey Anonymous, that is just what this country needs...more loans to people with bad credit. And I am just fine Mr. Regular Visitor.

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    Replies
    1. Somehow I just knew you'd have a newsboy hat, Joe!! And I'm sure Regular Visitor is glad you're fine.

      Delete
  5. This was too funny...especially the Maui cab story. Classic. And thank you for stopping by my blog today.

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  6. I love the cab joke, and I remember the post from Inger's block. It was funny then, and it's funny now. And I really love "WAS HIS." For some reason, Dr. X's greatest fear seemed to be that I would take his car in the divorce settlement. I didn't even like his damn car, but sometimes I think I should have gone after it just to make him crazier.

    Love,
    Janie

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  7. My favourite is the four Texans story.

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    Replies
    1. Obviously a man of discriminating taste!!

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  8. I needed these today ...we're potty training. Throw alllll the humor my way.

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    Replies
    1. Are you doing Butch & Sundance at the same time? Good luck, lady!!

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  9. I am one of those Winter drivers that no one wants to be stuck behind. I get stuck on every hill and tap the brakes almost continually. I am 54. That's my excuse.

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    Replies
    1. Age is no excuse--death IS an excuse!!

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  10. The best ones were the senior citizen signs, I think I want to have some of them made up....DO you still have the condo in Maui or did it go out of business with the taxi?. LOve your funny posts as usual, you must have been a riot as a mom...:)

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    Replies
    1. We sold it & bought a beach condo in CA about an hour & a half from our home--much easier to get to! Yeah, we never stop laughing around here!!

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  11. You have no idea how often I wished I had a cardboard sign to hold up to other drivers. Most notably, a "You left your blinker on" sign.

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  12. That Fine for Parking had me cracking up. You would so enjoy that book from China where the author, Peter Hessler, talks about all the rules the Chinese have to learn before they get their driver's licences. It is so totally hilarious.

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    Replies
    1. I hope it's Country Driving: A Journey Through China from Farm to Factory (P.S.) by Peter Hessler (Feb 9, 2010)--I just ordered it!

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  13. "Fine for Parking."
    reminds me of another sign: "Watch for Motorcycle."
    That'd better a damn good watch.

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  14. I thought the "not a good sign" cartoon was the best until I watched the video. 'Skews me while I go blow my nose from the snorting he-haws.

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  15. DEar Fran, the story about the taxicab being driven just made me chuckle. It's so wonderful to laugh when I read your blogs. And the youtube video is such a delight that I'm going to fine it on youtube and send it to a bunch of friend!!! Thanks. Peace.

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.