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Friday, January 4, 2013

THE UGLY DUCKLING


This is a story about a duckling who didn’t look anything like his cute, fluffy brothers and sisters.  There was absolutely no family resemblance, whatever.  They all had adorable names, such as “Sweetie Pie”, “Duckiepoo” and “Quackerbaby”.  He was “Herman”, though his siblings called him “Splotchy” or “Big Jerk”.   They would often ask him, “Is that your neck or an extra leg?,” which he found odd, having no mirror in which to see his neck. Poor Herman, he could never quack clearly enough to give them the smartassed answer he was thinking of.

When they got older, they all left the nest and went out to make their own way in the world.  Herman just could not find a job.  Among other things, he tried to be a greeter at Walmart, but instead he ended up in those funny pictures where everyone was dressed so crazily (even though he wasn’t wearing any clothes).  He thought that the TV show “What Not to Wear” might be able to help him, but neither Stacey or Clinton could find him anything that fit properly—and when the hairdresser and the makeup lady suggested dying him one color to get rid of the splotches, he walked out!

One day, having nothing better to do, Herman found himself at the zoo.  He was standing in front of some animals in an enclosure and munching on some delicious leaves, when he heard a voice say to him, “Hey, you—get back inside!”  He was herded into the enclosure and these animals, who happened to be giraffes, were the most beautiful creatures he had ever seen.  Strangely, he felt at home among them.

A lovely lady giraffe came running over to him and said, “Adonis, my beautiful son—you’re home!”  He replied, “You must be mistaken, Ma’am.  I’m a duck.”  She said, “No, you’re my son!  You know the old routine, ‘If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, then it’s a duck’?  Well, you don’t!  I would know you anywhere.  When I was young, I was sweet talked and got pregnant.  Your father had gone off with another giraffe, who had the longest neck implants I'd ever seen. Anyway, I was taking a drink out of the lake when you were born.  I didn’t even get an epidural.  I didn’t know what to do until I saw a family of ducks nearby.  They had so many babies that I figured they wouldn’t notice one more, so while their mother was napping I left you in their nest.  I knew you would be safe there—and now we’re together again!  You are Adonis—my son!”

He figured that being Adonis, the handsome giraffe, was a lot better than being Herman, the ugly duckling, so he never left the enclosure.  He met a beautiful young lady giraffe, whom he married, and they had several adorable long-necked babies who nobody ever made fun of (and the best part was that they were shipped off to other zoos when they became teenagers)—and he never had to get a job or learn to quack properly, so he lived happily ever after.

The moral of this story: Never assume you’re a duck! 

Some animal cartoons for you: 








If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it out the window?  Just wondering----fishducky

 




24 comments:

  1. If you strap toast to the back of a cat and throw it out the window the PETA people will come hunting for you. And they'll eat all your toast.

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  2. I'm so glad he didn't turn into a swan, that's so been done already. Fishducky, you are an original and the toast on the cat problem has me floored. And after reading the above comment, all I can see in my mind's eye is a bunch of angry PETA people chasing you, while munching on your toast. I should make it a habit to never read other people's comments, particularly on your blog. I don't know if you know this, but all the really funny people in bloggy land are following your blog.

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    1. I felt it was important to get the truth out there!!

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  3. LOLOLOL!!! The kids and I absolutely loved reading this. Kids in elementary school used to say my neck was so long I looked like a crazy giraffe. I've loved giraffes ever since because they represent that not everyone had to be exactly the same in this world ;)

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    1. I wrote this especially for The Scribe & The Hippie!

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  4. I'm still trying to work out the cat and toast thing, but I'll get there....Love the ugly duckling story, you're one talented ducky yourself....:)

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    1. If you figure it out, please let me know--I may have to have Mythbusters work on it! And, thank you!!

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  5. Good stuff...except the cat and toast thing is giving me a headache

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    1. Me, too--that's why I was hoping for an answer!!

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  6. I used to be an ugly duckling.
    And, you know, it's just my luck.
    I'm not a swan. No.
    I grew up to be an ugly duck.

    Fun story. Liked the giraffe twist.

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    1. You have broken the ONE rule I have--commenters MUST NOT be funnier than the blogger!

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  7. Outstanding story. You made me cry -- again. I'm so happy little Adonis ended up where he belonged and all is well. You should try to write something funny sometime.

    Love,
    Janie

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  8. I still have that complex, but I try to forget it and concentrate on helping others instead.

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  9. Neck implants,huh? He just couldn't resist those neck implants. Honestly, I am LMAO. Fantastic story.

    Fran ...... how do you get this comment set-up with the reply following? I can't find it, of course I'm as computer literate as a stick, too.
    Manzanita

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    1. Glad you liked the true version of the story! As to your question about replies--from one stick to another, I have NO idea. It just came that way.

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  10. hahahaha cat/dog signs are so funny. Love them!!!

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    1. Glad I could give you a chuckle or two!!

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  11. This is one of my favorites! I love it! Please tell me you sent this to Elisa??? It is a piece of art my friend..

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    1. Keep complimenting me--you may end up in my family, yet!!

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  12. Never mind just saw that she loved it! haha

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  13. Dear Fran, this has to be an example of a "fractured fairy tale"!!!! And I so like how you've fractured it. Herman becomes Adonis and finds his true self. Isn't that what we all want!

    The cartoons were a hoot especially the one about the cat and the jugular! Peace.

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.