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Friday, January 18, 2013

WHAT ANIMAL SHOULD I WRITE ABOUT?

Oh, I know--DUCKS!!


Probably the world's oldest duck joke: A duck walks into a pharmacy, and asks for Chapstick. The cashier says, "Cash, check or charge?" and the duck says, "Just put it on my bill."

Two other oldies but goodies:

A guy walks in to a store with a duck on his head. The clerk says "My that's an awful looking growth you have there." The man says, "That's not a growth... that's my duck." He replies, "I was talking to the duck."
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A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver and informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where does he think he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he just doesn't know what to do with them. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from here and that's where you should take them. That should take care of your problem." The man thanks the officer and drives off with the ducks.
The next day the officer again sees the pick-up truck once again speeding down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are standing there with sunglasses. The officer pulls over the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!" "I did that," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"
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Two I hadn't heard before:

A duck walks into a bar looks up at the bartender and says "I'll have a beer".
The bartender says "Hey!!! where did you come from!?"
The duck says "I'm working the construction site across the street".
The bartender asks, "What are you doing, working construction when you could be making millions in the circus!?"
And the duck says "What would the circus want with a brick layer?"
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A circus owner walked into a bar to find everyone crowded about 
table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot 
and a duck tap dancing on it.

The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy 
the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they 
settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, 
"Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience 
and he didn't dance a single step!"

"That's strange" said the duck's former owner, "did you remember 
to light the candle under the pot?"
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For my deep thinking readers:

Q: Why did the duck cross the road?
A: The chicken had the day off.


Q: Okay, why DID the duck really cross the road?
A: We called in some consultants:


PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of ducks to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take, man.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no duck has gone before.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all ducks will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the duck: "Thou shalt cross the road." And the duck crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. 
RICHARD M. NIXON: The duck did not cross the road. I repeat, the duck did NOT cross the road. 

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the duck crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Duck 2013, which will not only cross the road, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. It is not compatible, however, with Duck  2009. Or Macintosh.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the duck cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the duck crossing? And what about the grassy knoll?"
DARWIN: Ducks, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the duck crossed the road or the road moved beneath the duck depends upon your frame of reference.

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Several years ago my friend Bonnie & I went to the Kentucky Derby.  Her nephew flew us from there to Memphis.  There are two main tourist attractions in Memphis; Graceland & the Peabody Hotel.  You probably know all about the first, but not the second.  If you're a duck fancier--or a fancy duck like me--you'll enjoy this video:

This may--or may not--be the funniest duck joke ever, but Buddy Hackett really knew how to tell 'em:


To paraphrase Chevy Chase on the old Saturday Night Live show--I'm fishducky & you're not!



20 comments:

  1. Brought a smile to my face this morning~

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    1. And your comment brought one to mine!!

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  2. Can I steal some of these? they're hilarious and that Buddy guy sure can tell a joke! :)

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  3. All very funny, and for some reason if the same jokes were told with anyother bird or fowl or animal they would not be half as funny.

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    1. Many people find ducks to be naturally amusing, for some odd reason. I just bought your 2nd book!! Are there any ducks in it?

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  4. Thanks for the laughts. Ducks are just FUNNY! Down in front.

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    1. You're very welcome! See my reply to JOEH (above).

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  5. I'd forgotten how funny Buddy Hackett was (Is?) Great physical comedy.

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    1. Unfortunately, it's WAS--he died in 2003. I saw him in person in Vegas a couple of times. I literally laughed so hard my stomach hurt!!

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  6. Enjoyed the giggles! Thanks. You QUACK me up!

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    1. You're welcome, Steph--we aim to please!!

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  7. I betcha I've heard the Chapstick bit 50 times at least; and I still laugh every time. Thanks for the giggle.

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    1. A good joke holds up in the retelling--it still makes me giggle, too!

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  8. A great collection of funnies. This isn't a joke... it really happened: my father was taking a pair of ducks to a friend, and had them in a cardboard box on the rear floor of his flashy Buick convertible. (top up) Yeah, I know, not a very well-conceived plan. So anyway, he was driving around a big sweeping cloverleaf when the ducks got out of the box... and started squawking and flapping all around in the car. Can you picture that? A car going down the road with two ducks flying around inside of it? He was cussing, the car was swerving all over the road, and feathers and poop were going everywhere.

    Now, some forty plus years later, I still think about my father and his "duck trauma" every time I drive around a cloverleaf.

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    1. Scary at the time--but what a funny mental image!!

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  9. These are all very funny!

    www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

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  10. Why did the duck cross the playground?

    To get to the other slide.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. Didn't you used to write for Henny Youngman?

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.