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Wednesday, February 27, 2013

WHAT I WOULD HAVE WRITTEN IF I WERE STILL WRITING




(I didn’t write this.  It was sent to me by Melynda, who swears it’s true.)

I hate certain things. Pap smears, blood draws and mammograms, even though I haven’t had one yet but am told I have to get one, are just a few of these delightful women things that I despise. Oh, and let’s not forget the famous urine sample where I inevitably end up peeing on my hand more than in the infamous cup. I don’t have a hose to aim with, after all.

Anyway, I haven’t been in for the old crank and spank Pap smear in six years. After talking to my doctor and him informing me of all the fun I’m missing out on I decided to give it another go. I have not had much luck with these exams. The last one I had I bled like a stuck pig due to the brutality of the doctor that performed the atrocity, and the one before that, where they called me and asked me to come back in and have it done again as my sample had been lost.

On that particular occasion they made the mistake of having a young man call me. I was furious and as I am a bit of an ass I replied, “No thank you.” “You really should come back in just to make sure everything is ok,” the young imbecile replied, not knowing who he was dealing with.  “Tell you what, hero. I’ll come back in as soon as you let me take a pair of salad tongs and crank your penis open, shove a Q-tip up your pee hole and scrape it,” I replied, losing my temper just a wee bit.

“So we will see you next year?” He sounded a little scared and worried that I would follow through with my plan. “Sounds good,” I said and hung up smiling.

However, after six years I went back in on Friday.

They started out by asking me if the student that was with the doctor could perform the exam. I was a little worried but after the nurse said “It’s OK if you don’t want him to. He’s used to being told no...” I felt like a louse and agreed. After all, if he is going to be a doctor he needs practice.

After asking me all the usual questions about mom organs, lady bits and if I feel safe at home, the exam took place. I was actually surprised as the student was extremely gentle and the exam was virtually pain free except when the actual doctor, a woman, stepped in to check some stuff.

The woman doctor was a brute and basically tried to push my boobs through my back, and for some reason felt the need to try to insert her entire fist into my crotch.

So the great discovery is, when having to subject yourself to massive torture I highly recommend a male student. Women are vicious.

--Melynda Fleury

The cartoons are my offering:










Somehow this seems to fit in here:
because it goes with  ***THIS*** 



       
 PMS jokes aren't funny; period----fishducky

 


17 comments:

  1. I'm due for my annual pap smear and mammogram. Glad Im not the only one who feels awkward about it all

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  2. I had a gynecologist who stuck his finger up my butt. Maybe he was confused or, like Melynda, couldn't see too well.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Mine does that every time--I think she's checking my stool. Maybe we should put a "Please knock before entering" tattoo back there!!

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  3. I hope that all is well with Melynda. I know that we are suppose to have an Gyne- Obs exam every year but I haven't in more than ten years. God must be helping me as I am OK.

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    1. I love that lady--& as for you, GO GET A CHECKUP!!

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  4. Love the manogram, but I wouldn't want to try it.

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  5. Dear Fishducky, on Monday I went to the obstetrician's office for my pap smear. The receptionist had just been given a note saying that the doctor had to cancel all his appointments because a baby was being born! So I came home and set up a appointment for several weeks from now. I've had this done and almost cried and other times all went well. It truly depends on the doctor. Peace.

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. I have been extremely lucky so far--I hope all goes well for you!!

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  6. Ha! The urine cups pretty much made my day.

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    1. If that's true, you need to get out more often!!

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  7. I love this post. Contributions from two of my favorite people. :)

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.