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Friday, March 29, 2013

A VISIT FROM THE EASTER BUNNY


A VISIT FROM THE EASTER BUNNY

‘Twas the night before Easter, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse.
The baskets were placed in the yard with such care,
In hopes that the Easter Bunny soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Easter eggs danced in their heads;
And mamma with her night cream covering her nose,
Had just settled down for a long springtime’s doze;

When out on the lawn there arose such a noise,
I jumped up to yell at the neighborhood boys.
Those kids sounded like they were out of their minds,
I pulled back the drapes and opened the blinds.

The moon on the breast of the new fallen trash
Gave the alley below me a certain panache,
When, what to my wondering eyes should be featured,
But a miniature hot rod, and eight tiny creatures,
With a little old driver, so lively and funny,
I knew in a moment it must be the Bunny.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
“Now, Dagger! Now, Danger! Now, Badass and Ice!
On, T-Rex! On, Rudeboy! On, Bigfoot and Slice!
To the top of the porch! Someone toss me a beer!
Now dash away! Dash away before the cops can get here!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the housetop the coursers they flew,
With a carload of eggs, and the big Bunny, too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard the roof go kaput
From the prancing and pawing of each little foot.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Through the window the Easter Bunny came in with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his foot to his ear,
He saw me but showed absolutely no fear.
A bundle of eggs he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes, oh, how bloodshot! He was sort of scary!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a berry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a sheep
And he said, “Hey, dude, why aren’t you asleep?”

The stump of a joint he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and he was kind of smelly,
And he shook, when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right nasty old elf,
But I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye as he brandished his piece,
Soon told me I should have called the police.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And took all my good stuff, then turned, the big jerk.
He left me the eggs, but who wanted them now?
And out the window he went, with an arrogant bow.

He sprang to his hot rod, to his gang gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, though it was more like a hoot,
“Happy Easter to all, and thanks for the loot!”















BIG NEWS!!!!! (At least for me):

“Fishducky’s Fables” (a brand new book written by me and released by Wayman Publishing) will be available on Amazon beginning today, Friday, March 29th.  Barnes and Noble will have it in about 6 weeks.  You can get it as an ebook for $3.99 or in paperback for $8.99.  This is what it looks like on the outside.  (The inside’s even better!)  No, that is not my picture on the cover.  Click HERE to buy on Amazon.


But wait, there’s more!  From now until the end of May, anytime you purchase one of Wayman Publishing's books/eBooks and send the verifiable receipt number to waymansweepstakes(at)gmail.com you will be automatically entered for a chance to win an iPad mini! 

Go here for further details: http://www.waymanpublishing.com/index.php/component/k2/item/70-ipad-mini-giveaway    


This seems to go with my book:

HAPPY EASTER!!!!----fishducky

 






Wednesday, March 27, 2013

PLACES I’D RATHER NOT LIVE IN


I wouldn’t last long in India—their rules are too confusing:

Notices in English for tourists in Gujarat-India

In an Ahmedabad Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read this notice.


In a Surat hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.


In the elevator in Hotel Tex Pallazo, Surat :
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor.  
Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Baroda hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Jamnagar :
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily

In an Ahmedabad hotel near Gujarat College
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Edwards Laundry on Relief Road, Ahmedabad:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a Bhavnagar hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is requested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In a Anand laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a hotel at Junagadh:Take one of our horse driven city tours--we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides (on the famous white asses) in Rann of Kutch :
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a 5-Star Hotel cocktail lounge in Ahmedabad:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In the office of a Ahmedabad gynecologist:
Specialist in women and other diseases

In a Bharuch hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.





There are a whole lot of cities & towns in the US I’d rather not live in—or even visit.  Here is just a small sample of the hundreds I found (& they ALL really exist!):

Asylum, PA
Big Butt, NC
Boogertown, NC
Boring, MD
Cyclone, WV
Ding Dong, TN
Doghouse Junction, CA
Dynamite, WA
Eek, AK
Embarrass, WI
Finger, TN                                          
Ghoul Creek, WA
Gun Barrel City, TX
Hateful Hill, VT
Hell For Certain, KY
Hellhole Palms, CA
Hooker Corner, IL
Lawyers, VA
Looneyville, TX
Mosquitoville, VT
Mud Hole, FL
Nameless, TN (Although I might send my daughter there)
Not, MO 
Nowhere, OK
Odd, WV
Ordinary, KY
Peculiar, MO
Pee Pee, OH
Poop Creek, OR
Poor Town, NC
Purgatory, ME
Roachtown, IL
Satan’s Kingdom, RI
Spider, KY (I put this one in for Maggie)
Suckerville, ME
Tick Bite, NC
Tightwad, MO 
Waterproof, LA
Wimp. CA


Here are some that I MIGHT consider:

Good Intent, NJ
Novelty, OH
Okay, OK
Sensation, AZ
Surprise, AZ



Actually, I MIGHT consider
some of these, too!








And I DEFINITELY would like to go to:

Cash, AR
Cool, CA
Helper, UT
Hot Coffee, MS
Nice, CA
Perfection, NY
Superior, WI
Welcome, FL
Wise, VA

And there’s always:

Why, AZ
Why Not, MS






BIG NEWS!!!!! (At least for me):

“Fishducky’s Fables” (a brand new book written by me and released by Wayman Publishing) will be available on Amazon beginning this Friday, March 29th.  Barnes and Noble will have it in about 6 weeks.  You can get it as an ebook for $3.99 or in paperback for $8.99.  This is what it looks like on the outside.  (The inside’s even better!)  No, that is not my picture on the cover.

But wait, there’s more!  From now until the end of May, any time you purchase one of Wayman Publishing's books/eBooks and send the verifiable receipt number to waymansweepstakes@gmail.com you will be automatically entered for a chance to win an iPad mini! 

Go here for further details:




This is sort of cool--I've never been an atlas before----fishducky



Monday, March 25, 2013

FISHDUCKY'S FEATHERED PHILOSOPHY



I've been thinking (stop laughing & snorting--it COULD happen!) about life & I think I understand it now.  For instance, do you know the answer to the question, "What is the meaning of life?"  I DO! (*The answer is at the end of this post.)

I have learned many things in my 78 years on this planet.  For instance:


I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a lot of money or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others--they are more messed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep throwing up long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot & steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, & there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch weird friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested & end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon & all the less important ones just never go away.

I’ve learned that nobody is perfect.  I am a nobody.  Therefore, I am perfect.

And most importantly:

I've learned to say "Screw 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


There are only 2 simple, basic truths in life.  They are:

SIMPLE TRUTH 1. 
Partners help each other undress before sex. However, after sex, 
they always dress on their own.


Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2. 
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and 
say "Congrats", but none of them come and touch 
the man's penis and say "Good job".


Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry, gentlemen, but there are some things in life only women understand.  They are:

10. Why it's necessary to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory & off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. Fat clothes.

6. A salad, diet drink & a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designed dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man may be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts less than ten minutes.

And heading the list:

1. Other women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FOUR RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Rolls Royce than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the schmuck's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when 
they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.

















Some of you may remember these animals, drawn by
Sandra Boynton.  They will be visiting here from time to time.
BIG NEWS!!!!! (At least for me):

“Fishducky’s Fables” (a brand new book written by me and released by Wayman Publishing) will be available on Amazon beginning this Friday, March 29th.  Barnes and Noble will have it in about 6 weeks.  You can get it as an ebook for $3.99 or in paperback for $8.99.  This is what it looks like on the outside.  (The inside’s even better!)  No, that is not my picture on the cover.  If any of you want to promote this book on your blog, it would be most appreciated!

But wait, there’s more!  From now until the end of May, any time you purchase one of Wayman Publishing's books/eBooks and send the verifiable receipt number to waymansweepstakes@gmail.com you will be automatically entered for a chance to win an iPad mini! 

Go here for further details:

HAPPY PASSOVER!!

It used to be that the only two things in life that were certain were death & taxes. Now there's shipping & handling, too!----fishducky














*The answer to the question about the meaning of life according to the URBAN DICTIONARY:

--42--
(Look it up if you have doubts!)


The Almighty Answer to the Meaning of Life, the Universe,
and Everything. It was calculated by the computer Deep Thought for seven million years and when asked to build a better computer to discover the Question to the Life, the Universe, and Everything, it built the Earth. Before the Earth could tell the Question however, it was destroyed by the Vogons to make room for an interstellar highway bypass. For more information, see The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy.



Friday, March 22, 2013

ROBIN HOOD--THE TRUE STORY


Robin Hood was an excellent archer and a really nice guy.  He lived in Sherwood Forest because he didn't get along with King (pro tem) John, who was ruling England while his brother, King Richard the Lionhearted (another nice guy) was out of town on the Crusades.  (Ed. note:  It wasn't really Sherwood Forest, it was Sherwood's forest.  It was the large, untended and therefore very messy and overgrown backyard of Sherwood Schwartz, the creator of "The Brady Bunch" and "Gilligan's Island".)

Robin had many dear and close friends.  There was Littlejohn, whom Robin, being British, called Littleloo.   (Ed. Note: Robin thought that was funny.  No one else did.)    There also were Alana Dale, whose brother, Alan, was fighting in the Crusades with King Richard, and Frier Tuck, who dropped out of the seminary to open a chicken restaurant.  They were part of his group of "Merry Men", made that way mainly because of Robin's maid, Marian, a believer in free love.  She loved him deeply and kept things as neat as possible in Sherwood's forest.

He, however, was not without enemies, one of the worst being an ally of King (pro tem) John, the new Sheriff of Nottingham, Joe Arpaio.  Sheriff Joe Arpaio was a cruel man, who took delight in persecuting Robin.  Robin vowed never to be captured by the Sheriff, because he was allergic to bologna--and working in chain gangs.

Many of the people living nearby were very poor because King (pro tem) John had set up a vile organization called the IRS (I Require Sums) to fill his coffers.  To combat this injustice, Robin set up trust accounts for the poor where their small sums of money could be safely deposited with him collecting a mere 50% for administrative fees.  He even installed an ATM (Arrows Take Money) in Sherwood's forest to make it even easier for those who were rich to make their deposits.

This continued for several years until King Richard returned to England and kicked his nasty brother off the throne.  Robin Hood started the Bank of England and put everything he had in the name of his new wife--his former maid, Marian.  Everyone except King (pro tem) John lived happily ever after.




That fine feathered story teller----fishducky

 













Wednesday, March 20, 2013

PITY THE POOR PATHETIC PARENTS




Are you thinking of having a baby?  (It takes so long to have one, you may forget why you thought it was a good idea in the first place!)  

First, some NECESSARY definitions:

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the mashed carrots.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone says a dirty word.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it & to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "Get a washcloth!"
SLEEP: A word used in fairy tales.

Telltale signs of being a mother:

Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor & you don't care.
Popsicles have become a food staple.
You can't find your cell phone so you dial the number on your landline & run around the house madly following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
Your favorite TV show is a cartoon.
You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to a telemarketer that called & HE hangs up on YOU!
Your favorite cereal has marshmallows in it.
You go to the market ONLY when you're low on milk--or TV dinners.
Your kid throws up & you catch it.
You're wearing maternity clothes even though your youngest child is 4 years old.
You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
Just once, you'd like to go to the bathroom alone.
You only have time to shave ONE leg.


I have to warn you, there's a BIG responsibility in children!



They can be a big responsibility for YOU, too!
They CAN be helpful--most of them are better with computers than we are.



True, they sometimes complain & are hard to handle:















But we know how to cope with that:












We have our dreams for them:

And if that doesn't work out, there's always this:

And this:


They can be awfully cute for a while, though:


"Just go to sleep," said Mama Monster. "There's no child under your bed."
--James Hutchings 


"I've noticed that the one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse."
--Dave Barry

A different point of view:
"It's good to have kids.  It satisfies those maternal feelings, like when I'm lying on the couch & I can't reach the remote control."
--Kathleen Madigan

Erma Bombeck once said, "Grandchildren are God's reward to you for letting your own children live."   I AGREE!!----fishducky