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Monday, March 25, 2013

FISHDUCKY'S FEATHERED PHILOSOPHY



I've been thinking (stop laughing & snorting--it COULD happen!) about life & I think I understand it now.  For instance, do you know the answer to the question, "What is the meaning of life?"  I DO! (*The answer is at the end of this post.)

I have learned many things in my 78 years on this planet.  For instance:


I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a lot of money or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others--they are more messed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep throwing up long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot & steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, & there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch weird friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested & end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon & all the less important ones just never go away.

I’ve learned that nobody is perfect.  I am a nobody.  Therefore, I am perfect.

And most importantly:

I've learned to say "Screw 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


There are only 2 simple, basic truths in life.  They are:

SIMPLE TRUTH 1. 
Partners help each other undress before sex. However, after sex, 
they always dress on their own.


Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2. 
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and 
say "Congrats", but none of them come and touch 
the man's penis and say "Good job".


Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry, gentlemen, but there are some things in life only women understand.  They are:

10. Why it's necessary to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory & off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. Fat clothes.

6. A salad, diet drink & a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designed dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man may be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts less than ten minutes.

And heading the list:

1. Other women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FOUR RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Rolls Royce than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the schmuck's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when 
they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.

















Some of you may remember these animals, drawn by
Sandra Boynton.  They will be visiting here from time to time.
BIG NEWS!!!!! (At least for me):

“Fishducky’s Fables” (a brand new book written by me and released by Wayman Publishing) will be available on Amazon beginning this Friday, March 29th.  Barnes and Noble will have it in about 6 weeks.  You can get it as an ebook for $3.99 or in paperback for $8.99.  This is what it looks like on the outside.  (The inside’s even better!)  No, that is not my picture on the cover.  If any of you want to promote this book on your blog, it would be most appreciated!

But wait, there’s more!  From now until the end of May, any time you purchase one of Wayman Publishing's books/eBooks and send the verifiable receipt number to waymansweepstakes@gmail.com you will be automatically entered for a chance to win an iPad mini! 

Go here for further details:

HAPPY PASSOVER!!

It used to be that the only two things in life that were certain were death & taxes. Now there's shipping & handling, too!----fishducky














*The answer to the question about the meaning of life according to the URBAN DICTIONARY:

--42--
(Look it up if you have doubts!)


The Almighty Answer to the Meaning of Life, the Universe,
and Everything. It was calculated by the computer Deep Thought for seven million years and when asked to build a better computer to discover the Question to the Life, the Universe, and Everything, it built the Earth. Before the Earth could tell the Question however, it was destroyed by the Vogons to make room for an interstellar highway bypass. For more information, see The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy.



23 comments:

  1. Congrats!!! That's so exciting! Just one more fabulous book to add to my Kindle!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you--&, of course this June I'll be adding yours to MY Kindle!!

      Delete
  2. Classic Fishducky -

    My Dad's favorite saying from Mark Twain (I think)
    "Too soon old, too late smart!"

    I will NOOK you book!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THANKS!! I've always liked (& believed) that quote!!

      Delete
  3. The meaning of life is the little turned up corners of Elvis Aaron Schwarz's mouth when he's getting ready to tease me.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, yes--why didn't I think of that?

      Delete
  4. So agree with Simple Truth no 1. And the meaning of life comes up regularly as a question in my house. 42 of course is the correct answer!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Because I know the grief of getting published and then wondering if it's going to work out (mine came out last week) I also now realize the relief when a reader says they are off to purchase the book.

    I am here to give you that feeling. lol

    ReplyDelete
  6. Congrats on the book darlin', now if I could just find the time to sit and read.

    OH! And I have charm and big boobs, but no money... how far do you think that will take me?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The chapters are only a couple of pages long--you could read it in the bathroom!!

      In today's world--pretty far!!

      Delete
  7. I will be buying your book, fishducky!

    Had to glance up at Juli's response. :-) I can be charming, but am rather flat-chested and broke. I wonder if her and I got together if we could GET some money? :-)

    Pearl

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you--I already have both of yours!!

      Maybe if you worked as a team!!

      Delete
  8. Oh, I will be buying the book too! I'm so happy for you, what an accomplishment! I won't be able to review it on my blog until May because of the A to Z Challenge during April, but I will definitely review it on amazon. The line about adding shipping & handling above had me in stitches.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whenever & where ever you review it is fine--as long as it's a GOOD review!!

      Delete
  9. Dear Fishducky, congratulations on having your book published. What an achievement and how eager I am to read it. I have an iPad now and so can order e-books and I'll order yours on Friday to celebrate the first day that we can get hold of it! I wish you so much success!

    Now about the meaning of life. I'm wondering if the meaning for someone named Fishducky is to be so organized that when she finds funny cartoons she puts them in labeled file folders??????? All of these are the meaning of life seems to funny to me because I still haven't gotten a clue as to what the answer really is. And I'll be 77 next week. Just one year behind you. I especially liked Cartoon #1 and #3. Peace and happy sells!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Organized is a word that has never described me. I just put the cartoons & hope I can find them when the time comes. Thank you for the promised review!!

      Delete
    2. I meant to say I put them in My Scans.

      Delete
  10. Dear Fishducky, this is Dee again. I forgot to say that once I've read your book, I'll do a review on my first blog. I so want to help you as much as you have helped me with the sell of Dulcy's two books. Peace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you--but only if it's a GOOD review!!

      Delete
  11. Just nipped over for a giggle and to send you some love. As you know I'm pretty excited about your book :)

    ReplyDelete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.