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Monday, April 29, 2013

JUST A BUNCH OF RANDOM STUFF (LIKE THAT'S ANY DIFFERENT THAN USUAL!)

A warning to prospective parents:











One of our daughter's first jobs was as an assistant to a fashion buyer at a department store.  One day the buyer was talking to Nameless & another assistant about a faux fur jacket.  The other girl asked her boss if the jacket was real faux fur or artificial faux fur. I have no idea how far she went in her fashion career.

This video has made the rounds.  I hadn't heard it for about a year & just came across it again--I still found it hysterical!  A telemarketer calls a prospective client & ends up answering some questions himself.  There's no video except for the transcript--just audio. Listen & enjoy:

A police recruit was asked on an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
In the blank, he wrote, "Call for backup!"

There used to be several small (99 seat) theaters in Hollywood--I think they were taxed differently than the large ones.  One that we went to often was the Player's Ring Gallery, in which the unraised stage was in the center & the audience sat all around it.  We always sat in the front row, which may have been a mistake.  The room would go totally black both before the play started, & after the intermission. We were with friends watching "The Diary of Anne Frank" & act ll started with Anne in her bed (which was about 12 inches away from me) waking up screaming from a nightmare.  I thought it was the audience member sitting next to me!  When we went to see "Inherit the Wind" the actor playing Clarence Darrow dropped his heavy briefcase on my foot.  Talk about being part of the action!!

A very good friend of my daughter Nameless was a talented cartoonist.  When they were in high school he drew cartoons all over a pair of her white tennis shoes.  Then, on the toes, he named the shoes.  The right one was "Alfred Lord Tennis-shoe" & the left was "Grou-shoe Marx".

If clothing size is just an arbitrary number assigned to a piece of fabric, why doesn't the highest number win?

We took our family (a party of 8) to Lawry's the Prime Rib.  The hostess ask us if we were celebrating anything special.  My husband told her, "Just that I can afford to pay for this!"

Speaking of my husband: As president of our condo association, he sent a VERY clearly worded notice regarding a change in the monthly assessment to the homeowners.  The following month, everyone but one man got the new payment right.  I said to Bud that his letter had been very easy to understand--that it wasn't exactly rocket science.  He laughed & said that was what was so funny--the guy WAS a rocket scientist!!


 Since I'm not following any particular theme, here are some health cartoons:






My next house will have no kitchen, just  vending machines and a large trash can!
----fishducky







Friday, April 26, 2013

OXYMORON n. DUMB AS AN OX



Many of the things I read today are LOADED with oxymorons—or maybe they are written by them.  I just threw this paragraph together as an example.  See if you can find any oxymorons in it.  It’s a pretty sure guess you will!

I had just returned to my new classic house.  I had gone to buy some new antiques because my decorating was completely unfinished.  They had an original reproduction of a strangely familiar painting.  They had a lot of priceless junk.  I didn’t buy anything, though, because they were charging a small fortune!  When I got back, my daughter was there.  She’s a graduate student in criminal justice & was doing her homework, studying about a young boy who had turned up missingWe were alone together, enjoying the eloquent silence, when my stomach began to ache.  She offered to take a study break & drive me to the doctor’s.  “After all, adult children are supposed to help their parents”, she said.  By the time we got there, I was a very anxious patient--I felt like the living dead!  The doctor asked me what I had eaten.  I was fairly explicit—I told him almost exactly what I had had.  My husband & I had gone out to dinner the previous night & shared a meal.  I was wearing baggy tights & he had on long shorts so we didn’t go to a fancy place.  We had jumbo shrimp & spare ribs.  I had a dry martini & he took a big sip.  I’m sure he had the bigger half.  For dessert we had a piece of white chocolate.   I divided it so I could make sure I got my whole half.  The doctor gave me something to make me feel better & he said I shouldn’t ever eat cafeteria food again!






OXYMORONIC ONE-LINERS:

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Death to all fanatics!
An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
Life is full of uncertainties--or could I be wrong about that?
I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid. 
Not only am I redundant, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
Always remember you're unique--just like everyone else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As far as I know, "happy marriage" is NOT an oxymoron, but....

Several years ago, my husband told me that he had met the rabbi who married us on the street.  The rabbi told Bud that he was now selling real estate & was no longer a rabbi.  Bud claimed that since he was an ex-rabbi, that made him my ex-husband.


I have my wedding & engagement rings soldered together.  The top half of my wedding ring broke off.  Since I only had the engagement part of the set, Bud said that we were now only engaged.


For our next anniversary, I'm thinking of getting him a crunch bird. Here's why:


After many years of marriage,a husband had turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife & sat guzzling beer & watching TV all day.  The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.


This went on for many months & the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes & dribble running down the side of its mouth.


The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "crunch bird" & it had a very peculiar trait.  To demonstrate, he said, "Crunch bird!  The table!"


Immediately the crunch bird flew off its perch & with single-minded fury attacked the table & smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms & claws!  To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Crunch bird!  The shelf!"


The crunch bird turned to the shelf & demolished it in seconds.


"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!"

so she bought the crunch bird & took it home.

When she entered the house, her husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer & watching the game.  "Honey", she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you!  A crunch bird!"


Her husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Crunch bird, my ass!"



This is a crunch bird--
not a fishducky!

----This is fishducky

There is no reason to put this in here, except that it fascinates me!
There is NO green dot, but one appears to be circling 
clockwise on top of the pink ones.
If you stare at the + in the center
the pink dots should disappear
leaving only the non-existent green dot!




You know how, when people see a litter box, they always say, "Oh, do you have a cat?" Just once, I want to say, "No, it's for company!"----fishducky











Wednesday, April 24, 2013

DID I SHAVE MY LEGS FOR THIS?



There are a lot of country songs out there with unbelievably sweet, absolutely lovely names, like the title of this post, which is the REAL title of a REAL song. So are these (just call me a sentimental old fool):

I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling

Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreen's & I Cried All the Way to Sears

I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone Than Another Night With You

If I Killed You When I Wanted To I'd Be Out of Jail By Now

If My Nose Were Full of Nickels I'd Blow It All On You

If You Really Loved Me, You'd Leave

I'm Gonna Hire a Wino to Decorate Our Home

Jesus Loves Me But He Can't Stand You

I Got Tears in My Ears From Lyin' on My Back in My Bed While I Cried Over You

May the Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose

She Got the Gold Mine & I Got the Shaft

Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

All the Gold in California is in a Bank in the Middle of Beverly Hills in Somebody Else's Name

There Ain't Enough Room in My Fruit Of The Looms to Hold All my Lovin' For You

When You Wrapped My Lunch in a Road Map, I Knew You Meant Goodbye

Wouldn't Take Her to a Dog Fight, 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

I  Sold a Car to the Guy Who Stole My Girl, But it Don't Run So We're Even

How Can I Miss you If You Won't Go Away

I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink & I Don't Love You







In case you thought I was kidding:


You know you're old if your walker has an airbag--hey, that would be a great name for a country song!----fishducky



Monday, April 22, 2013

NEW OLD SAYINGS


There are many old sayings which we have accepted as true.  However, I believe that to stay true they have to be adjusted--to be brought up to date.  So I did:

Familiarity breeds contempt children.

No news is good news not very interesting.

What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger extremely nervous.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush will make a big mess.

A penny saved is a penny earned not much.

Marry in haste, repent in leisure divorce court.

Keep your nose to the grindstone & you can avoid rhinoplasty.

Walls have ears & potatoes have eyes.

The leopard does not change his spots underwear.

Variety is the spice of life, but chili needs cumin.

The early bird catches the worm, but the lazy worms get to safely sleep in .

Be it ever so humble there's no place like home, but some are not up to code.

Blood is thicker than water, so NEVER use it to thin out your soup.

Charity begins at home, except for yard sales.

A man's house is his castle & there are alligators in my moat.

Any port in a storm--or cabernet or reisling.

Cold hands, warm heart--cold feet, different bed.

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you before they do unto you.

Nothing lasts forever except taxes.

One hand washes the other dishes.

The best things in life are free on Ebay.

Change is inevitable, unless nothing happens.

Everything comes to those who wait order online.

Nothing is certain except death & taxes shipping & handling.

The camera doesn't lie, except when you use Photoshop.

Confession is good for the soul & the Catholic Church.

You win some, you lose some--it doesn't necessarily even out.

History repeats itself, itself, itself...

A miss is as good as a mile mister.

You are what you eat & today I'm a pastrami sandwich.






Pardon me for tooting my own horn:

If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click  HERE to buy it on Amazon.


My book is sort of like this:


But wait, there’s more!  From now until the end of May, anytime you purchase one of Wayman Publishing's books/eBooks and send the verifiable receipt number to waymansweepstakes(at)gmail.com you will be automatically entered for a chance to win an iPad mini! 





I'd explain what I wrote, but your brain would explode----fishducky



Friday, April 19, 2013

PROPER NAMES ARE POETRY IN THE RAW...


...but some of them should have been cooked a little while!



These are REAL people--some of whom have passed away.  Whether they would have lived longer with a different name, I have no idea:

Haralambos T. Haralambos--was in the Army with Bud.
Ima Hogg--daughter of a Texas governor.
Shanda Lear--daughter of Bill Lear, inventor of the Lear Jet.

Sometimes it's not planned to be funny--some true cases in point:

Andy Friese--(pronounced "antifreeze"), a race car driver.
Bud Weiser--a college math professor.
Dick Finder--a urologist.
Dr. & Dr. Doctor--married doctors from CT.
Dr. Look--an opthalmologist.
Dr. Slaughter--a surgeon.
Ernie Coli--(E. coli) owns a restaurant.
Harry Rump--a plumber.

A couple of quick notes:

"My mum was Hazel Nutt.  Her maiden name was Morrison & she married my father, Peter Nutt."

"My name was Susan Frame.  I am a lawyer.  I met & married Robert, who is a banker.  His surname is Mee.  Now we are Sue Mee, a lawyer, & Rob Mee, a banker."


Celebrities are the worst offenders.  Since they are so widely admired, I guess they think whatever they do is clever.  Here's a list of some of the "clever" ones & the names they've saddled their kids with:

Apple----Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin
Rumer/Scout/Tallulah----Bruce Willis & Demi Moore
Bronx Mowgli----Shannyn Sossamon & Dallas Clayton
Daisy Bo/ Petal Rainbow Blossom----Jamie & Juliette Oliver
Pilot Inspektor----Jason Lee & Beth Reisgraf
Kal-El (Superman's name on Krypton)----Nicolas Cage & Alice Kim
Moxie CrimeFighter/ Zolten----Penn & Emily Jillette
Sparrow James Midnight----Nicole Richie & Joel Madden
Zowie----David & Angela Bowie
Jermajesty----Jermaine Jackson
Fifi Trixibelle/ Little Pixie/ Peaches Honeyblossom----Paula Yates & Bob Geldof
Tiger Lily Heavenly Hirani----Paula Yates & Michael Hutchence
Seven Sirius----Erykah Badu & Andre 3000
Puma Sabti----Erykah Badu & The D.O.C.
Mars Merkaba----Erykah Badu & Jay Electronica
Rocket/ Racer/ Rebel/ Rogue----Robert Rodriguez & Elizabeth Avelian
Prince Michael Joseph, Jr/ Paris Michael/ Prince Michael ll----Michael Jackson
Memphis Eve/ Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q----Bono & Allison Hewson
Moon Unit/ Dweezil/ Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen/ Ahmet Emuukha Rodan----Frank Zappa
AND I can't forget George Foreman, who has 5 sons--ALL NAMED GEORGE!

I'd like to offer my suggestions for the names of the future children of celebrities. At least we'd know what they meant:

The lady pirate: Peg Legg
I'm tired: Adelaide Evening
We're renting a bathroom: The Lieutenants
Employment handbook: Ernie Living
How to break in: Jimmy DeLocke
If you don't want to buy: Lisa Carr
Female criminal: Robyn Banks
Let's eat: X. Benedict
Russian wetback: Yuri Legal
A complainer: Dawn Doothat
Stop the pain: Otis Leghertz
Breaking the law: Kermit A. Kreim
Falling underwear: Lucy Lastic
Missed the deadline: Stew Layt
To be honest: Frank Lee
A helper: Abel N. Willin
I'm fine: Howard Yew
German bank robber: Hans Zupp
Gamblers Anonymous member: Lou Zerr
Mensa man: Gene Yuss
If you don't understand: Alex Blaine Layder


Let's play with their names:
If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Tuesday Weld married Frederick March's son, she'd be Tuesday, March the Second.

If Lucille Ball married Vitus Bering (the explorer), she'd be Lucille Ball-Bering.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM) & Norbert Wiener (mathematician) she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.


I wonder if Crayola has considered
making these changes?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click  HERE to buy it on Amazon.


But wait, there’s more!  From now until the end of May, anytime you purchase one of Wayman Publishing's books/eBooks and send the verifiable receipt number to waymansweepstakes(at)gmail.com you will be automatically entered for a chance to win an iPad mini! 






My photographs don't do me justice--they look just like me!----fishducky