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Friday, April 26, 2013

OXYMORON n. DUMB AS AN OX



Many of the things I read today are LOADED with oxymorons—or maybe they are written by them.  I just threw this paragraph together as an example.  See if you can find any oxymorons in it.  It’s a pretty sure guess you will!

I had just returned to my new classic house.  I had gone to buy some new antiques because my decorating was completely unfinished.  They had an original reproduction of a strangely familiar painting.  They had a lot of priceless junk.  I didn’t buy anything, though, because they were charging a small fortune!  When I got back, my daughter was there.  She’s a graduate student in criminal justice & was doing her homework, studying about a young boy who had turned up missingWe were alone together, enjoying the eloquent silence, when my stomach began to ache.  She offered to take a study break & drive me to the doctor’s.  “After all, adult children are supposed to help their parents”, she said.  By the time we got there, I was a very anxious patient--I felt like the living dead!  The doctor asked me what I had eaten.  I was fairly explicit—I told him almost exactly what I had had.  My husband & I had gone out to dinner the previous night & shared a meal.  I was wearing baggy tights & he had on long shorts so we didn’t go to a fancy place.  We had jumbo shrimp & spare ribs.  I had a dry martini & he took a big sip.  I’m sure he had the bigger half.  For dessert we had a piece of white chocolate.   I divided it so I could make sure I got my whole half.  The doctor gave me something to make me feel better & he said I shouldn’t ever eat cafeteria food again!






OXYMORONIC ONE-LINERS:

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Death to all fanatics!
An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
Life is full of uncertainties--or could I be wrong about that?
I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid. 
Not only am I redundant, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
Always remember you're unique--just like everyone else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As far as I know, "happy marriage" is NOT an oxymoron, but....

Several years ago, my husband told me that he had met the rabbi who married us on the street.  The rabbi told Bud that he was now selling real estate & was no longer a rabbi.  Bud claimed that since he was an ex-rabbi, that made him my ex-husband.


I have my wedding & engagement rings soldered together.  The top half of my wedding ring broke off.  Since I only had the engagement part of the set, Bud said that we were now only engaged.


For our next anniversary, I'm thinking of getting him a crunch bird. Here's why:


After many years of marriage,a husband had turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife & sat guzzling beer & watching TV all day.  The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.


This went on for many months & the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes & dribble running down the side of its mouth.


The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "crunch bird" & it had a very peculiar trait.  To demonstrate, he said, "Crunch bird!  The table!"


Immediately the crunch bird flew off its perch & with single-minded fury attacked the table & smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms & claws!  To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Crunch bird!  The shelf!"


The crunch bird turned to the shelf & demolished it in seconds.


"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!"

so she bought the crunch bird & took it home.

When she entered the house, her husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer & watching the game.  "Honey", she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you!  A crunch bird!"


Her husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Crunch bird, my ass!"



This is a crunch bird--
not a fishducky!

----This is fishducky

There is no reason to put this in here, except that it fascinates me!
There is NO green dot, but one appears to be circling 
clockwise on top of the pink ones.
If you stare at the + in the center
the pink dots should disappear
leaving only the non-existent green dot!




You know how, when people see a litter box, they always say, "Oh, do you have a cat?" Just once, I want to say, "No, it's for company!"----fishducky











12 comments:

  1. Ouch, I fear I am guilty of abusing the oxymoron. Saw some that I have been known to use.
    That green dot is weird.
    If you don't mind, I plant to borrow your litter box retort. Love it.
    Fun post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome to it--I probably stole it from someone else!!

      Delete
  2. That mysterious green dot is fascinating and hard to take your eyes off.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You should have eaten the meal with plastic silverware.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why aren't blue plate specials ever served on a blue plate?

      Delete
  4. My head is spinning -- that's not an oxymoron is it?

    ReplyDelete
  5. In Memphis, TN, a new VA hospital was being built, soon to be ready for soldiers returning from WWII. The VA was located on Shotwell Rd, a horrible name, doubly horrible for soldiers who probably been shot. Since "shot well" could only be a sentiment of the enemy, the officials decided to switch names with the street one block over--Getwell Rd., much more suitable.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Crunch bird.... Hahaha. End of couch potato. Also end of ass.

    ReplyDelete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.