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Wednesday, May 29, 2013

JOB INTERVIEWS THAT WERE HELD IN MY HEAD




Did you ever wonder what some famous people would have said if they were being interviewed for a job?  You didn't?  Well, I did!  Here's what I think they might have said:

Julius Caesar: "My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that."

Jesse James "I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks."
 

Marie Antoinette: "I admit my management style has been criticized, but I like to think of myself as a people person."

Joseph Guillotin: "I can give your company a head start on the competition." 

Hamlet: "My last position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.  How much are you offering?  After all, the pay's the thing!"

The Wizard of Oz: "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.  I can handle this interview all by myself." 

Mario Andretti: "About that company car you're offering--does it matter if I can only turn left?"

Pandora: "I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things."
 

Genghis Khan: "My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized the population of several countries."

Lady Godiva: "What do you mean, this isn't business casual?"

Macbeth: "Would I go after my boss's job?  Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?"

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: "Don't worry about me quitting after a few months.  I always keep a job as long as I possibly can." 

Cher: "I’m so glad you require uniforms.  I never know what to wear."

Sally Field: "You're interviewing me!  You're really interviewing me!!"

Adolph Hitler: "I don’t mind working my up through the ranks.  I will OWN this company one day!"

Queen Elizabeth ll: "Is this an animal friendly office?  I have a couple of corgis…"

Attila the Hun: "Hire me & I guarantee we’ll crush the competition."

Albert Schweitzer: "I hope there’s not a lot of math involved.  I'm really tired of math."

Henry David Thoreau: "Would it be okay to work from home?  The reason I ask is there’s a really nice pond near where I live…"

Sir Isaac Newton:  "This bump?  It’s nothing.  For some strange reason, apples seem to keep falling on my head."

 Dr. Henry Heimlich: "Is there something stuck in your throat?  Here, let me help you…"

Yogi Bear:  "Do you mind if we have lunch while we talk?  I brought a picnic basket with me."

Marcel Marceau: “--------"

Designer of the Titanic:  "What could possibly go wrong if you hired me?"

Ogden Nash: "I want to work, I’m not a jerk.  Give me lots of money & I’m sure I could be funny."

Francis Scott Key:  "I just thought of a little jingle that your company might use.  Let me sing it for you."

Michelangelo: "What do you mean, you don't understand what I said--do I have to paint you a picture?"

Hugh Hefner: "Your receptionist is really hot.  Do you think she’d mind if I took her picture?"

Samson:  "OK, I’ll wear a net or put it in a ponytail, but there’s no way I’m getting my hair cut for this job!"  

Elvis Presley: "My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's a story about a woman who desperately needs a job--& a business manager:

An elderly couple were discussing the dire strait of their financial situation.  
Him: "You're gonna have to get a job!"
Her:  "I should get a job?  What could I do?"
Him:  "You could be a whore."
Her:  "I could be a whore?"
Him:  "You could try."
Her:  "I'll try."
The next evening she comes home, totally exhausted & looking like something the cat dragged in.
Him:  'So, how'd you do?"
Her:  "Okay--I made $13.10."
Him:  "$13.10!  Who gave you the 10 cents?"
Her:  "EVERYBODY gave me 10 cents!"

Job interview at Ikea:









For those of you still in the 9 to 5 routine:


From my posts, you might think I'm slightly unbalanced,
but she definitely is not!!

If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click  HERE to buy it on Amazon
or HERE on Goodreads.

My book is sort of like this:


 Check out the Random Acts of Kindness Blogfest HERE. 
If you need some ideas, click HERE

This video is not funny.
butt may give you some more ideas:




Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A good doctor!"----fishducky 












Monday, May 27, 2013

HOW TO BECOME RICH


Of course, the easiest way to get rich is to be born to rich parents.  If you've already screwed up that part, I have a suggestion.  This should work:

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.  The old guy fingered his silk vest & said, "Well, son, it was 1932, in the depth of the Great Depression.  I was literally down to my last nickel.  I invested that nickel in an apple.  I spent the entire day polishing it & at the end of the day, I sold it for ten cents.  With that dime, the next day I bought two apples.  I spent the whole day polishing them & sold them at 5 o'clock for twenty cents.  I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd amassed a fortune of $13.60. Then my wife's father died & left us ten million dollars."

Or you could try this:

One day a multibillionaire was bored, so he asked his butler to get him 3 men.  A few hours later the butler comes back. The man says "OK I've a deal you can't refuse. Who can swim successfully across this pool filed with sharks, eels, & alligators.  The winner may have whatever his heart desires."  No one replies so the man gives up.  All of a sudden the man hears a splash. One of the men is swimming as fast as he can, dodging all the sharks, eels, and alligators. The billionaire was so impressed that someone had enough guts take up his challenge. He congratulates the man & asks him what he wants. The man replies, "I want the son of a bitch who pushed me in!"

Or you could borrow a whole lot of money & forget to pay it back.

OK, you have to admit I tried.  If that doesn't work for you, either, all I have left are some jokes & quotes:

Doctor to a rich man: Do you want a local anesthesia? 
Rich man: I would prefer an imported one. 

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren’t for my money, this house wouldn’t be here!" The wife replied, "Sweetheart, if it weren’t for your money I wouldn’t be here."

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

Bill Gates is so rich, he's afraid to do his banking in person for fear that their employees will stick him up.

After years of scrimping & saving, a husband told his wife the good news. "Honey, we've finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1989."  "You mean a brand new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.  "No," said the husband, " a 1989 Cadillac!"

What's 6 inches long & 2 inches wide & drives women wild?
Money.

"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be!"--Rita Rudner











This is a long post, so relax & enjoy this song:




I just got this email:

"IS IT BETTER TO BE A JOCK OR A NERD?"

Consider Michael Jordan, having "retired", with $40 million in endorsements.  He makes $178,000 a day, working or not.  If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.  If he goes to see a movie, it will cost him $10 or $12, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.  If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while it's boiling.  He makes $7,415 an hour more than the minimum wage.

He'd make $3,710 while watching each episode of "Friends".  If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.  If someone were to hand him his salary & endorsement money in cash, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'd probably pay around $200 for a round of golf at an expensive course, but would be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.  Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a 401k, his contributions would hit the federal cap of $10,500 at 8:45 am on January 1st.  If he gave you a penny for every $10 he made, you'd have an extra $65,000 a year to play around with.

He'd make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics & about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.  While the common person is spending about $20-$30 for a meal at Jordan's trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5,600.  This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all the past presidents for all of their terms--combined!  Amazing, isn't it?

However--if he saved 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he'd still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment!

Game over.  Nerd wins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 Check out the Random Acts of Kindness Blogfest HERE. 
If you need some ideas, click HERE
 (It can be something as simple as this: After a major earthquake here in L.A., I was in the 99 Cent Store buying candles, batteries, etc.  Two sisters, around 10 years old, were trying to do the same thing.  They were a couple of dollars short, so I paid for them.  It was a wonderful feeling to be able to help.  I also try to compliment a waitress on her jewelry, or a waiter on his tie, & their service.  It makes them smile!)


pinterest



If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click HERE  to get
it free tomorrow only!!   

I can't remember if I've already run this cartoon, 
but my book is sort of like this:

It may actually be better to be poor than rich.  Rich people worry that they might someday become poor.  Poor people NEVER worry about becoming rich----fishducky





  
  

Friday, May 24, 2013

HAIKUS FOR THE COMPUTER AGE


A haiku is a poem consisting of three lines.  The first line has five syllables, the second, seven & the third, five again.  The poems do not rhyme.  They are generally meant to convey a feeling or an emotion.  Following are too many some examples, which were stolen borrowed taken from too many places for me to remember so that I can give credit to their authors.  These first four (pre-computer ones) & several others are mine:

These are MY haikus.
I think they are quite clever
But I may be wrong.

Too much to absorb.
I'll use a pen and paper
To write this all down.

I make many errors
When using a typewriter.
Where is the Wite-Out?

I must admit that
I’m computer ignorant
But filed stuff is still there.


Even kids can write (or speak in) haikus:




Here are some more haikus, apparently written by computers (& some by me):

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
 

Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?
 

Windows Seven crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
 

A file that big?
It might have been useful.
But now it is gone.
 

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
 

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
Have to delete you.
 

Abort this effort:
Save and close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
 

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
 

With searching comes loss
And the terror of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
 

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
 

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that
 

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
 

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
 

The ten thousand things,
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.
 

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
 

Error message.  Damn!
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
 

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

And some Redneck haikus:

Beauty naked in repose.
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps.

Damn, in that tube top
You sometimes make me forget
You are my sister.

Remorse & sadness.
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double wide trailer's door.

Unemployment's out.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability.

Distant siren screams.
Dumb ass Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again.

Tonight we hunger.
Gran sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggert.









This came from someecards:

If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click  HERE to buy it on Amazon
or HERE on Goodreads.
If you've already bought it,
If not, what are you waiting for?




Had perfect haiku
In mind.  Now it's forgotten.
Damn you, ADD!!
----fishducky




Wednesday, May 22, 2013

BIRTH CONTROL ON THE INTERNET



There's a wonderful website I've discovered that speaks volumes for birth control.  It is not posted by Planned Parenthood or by any religious organization. It was started by a woman who just wanted to show her family some of the things her kids had done.  It's called "ShitMyKidsRuined.com" & it took off like a house on fire.  I never really understood that expression, but anyhow, parents loved it & submitted photos of their own personal catastrophes.  If you're thinking of getting married or adopting a pet, she also has websites for those things--just substitute "wife", "husband" or "pet" for "kids"when you do a search.  Today, I'm just going to post some of her excerpts for kids.  The parent's comments are included.  If these don't make you become celibate or at least consider birth control, nothing will!

TV or pinata?
The other morning while my sister in law was in the shower, my 5 year-old nephew took a stick to the TV and beat it until it completely broke, as evidenced by the above picture. This act was so out of character for him and I couldn’t figure out why he would do this.
It wasn’t until I asked what he was watching at the time that it all became very clear. He’d been watching “Curious George’s Birthday” which is all about a piñata, and I guess he just wanted to join in on the fun, not thinking that it would actually break the TV.  He had just hit a piñata over the weekend for a birthday party, so I guess it was just a little too fresh in his mind.

Shredded ticket
My son, Bryce, who is 2 years old, shredded our lotto ticket with 16 draws left on it. It was a $100 ticket. My husband left our office door open and our son climbed the desk, plucked the lotto ticket from the basket, put it in the shredder saying ‘Bills, bills’ as he shredded it.
Frantic, I searched through the shopping bag that lined the basket of the shredder, found most of the pieces and put them together. When we called Florida Lotto they said that the ticket is now useless in its condition.  We wouldn’t have won anything from it yet, but this could be an EPIC FAIL if we would have. I’m going to neatly place it in my son’s baby book, if we would have won, as a constant reminder of why he is the only 16 year old kid WITHOUT a car of his own.

Thanks, Wyatt!
I was doing dishes and looked over to see my 1 year old had ripped off the keys to my laptop. UGH! I did manage to get most of them back on.

16 month old boy manages to reverse cell phone text
Let your kid hold your cell phone to keep him quiet and he will do this … all text is reversed and must now be read in a mirror. Removing the battery does not fix the problem. The boy clearly possesses some evil electronic superpower.

Secret stash
I caught my 19 month old son sticking one of his crayons in the VCR. When I went to take it away from him I noticed something bright and yellow sticking out of the flap so on closer examination this is what I discovered inside. Yep, that’s Halloween candy in there. I removed about 14 pieces of candy as well as 2 more crayons and some refrigerator magnets. There is still a Tootsie Pop in there but it’s shoved so far back in there I can’t get it out.

Our fish
My 3 year old thought our fish would enjoy an entire container of black pepper for breakfast!

Spicy floor recipe
Here’s the recipe. Just pour out and mix together…
7 oz. cinnamon, 7 oz. baking powder, 4 oz. black pepper, 2 oz. garam masala, 1 oz. cumin, 1 oz. nutmeg, 1 oz. cream of tartar, 1 oz. coriander, 2 oz. chili powder, dash of white pepper.
Now, I would have probably mixed it in a bowl, instead of on the floor, but I digress…

Sweeney toddler
Sweeney Toddler. The day before Easter family photos.

E is for elderly
Notice how he lovingly writes MOTHER down the left side.  I was all aglow until I read the E : Elderly.  He definitely ruined my vanity!  But, gotta love the rest of it!

Cracked in the eye!
When my daughter was about 3, I was helping her step into her jammie pants. She RANDOMLY jumped straight up, and cracked me in the eye with her freakin rock head. This was just what I looked like the first night… it only got better from there.
I now have 3 kids and this picture still accurately depicts how I feel on a day to day basis.

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:
                                               $180,000 Porsche vs. garage door 
Here’s a little visual taste of this story.
You MUST read the story here, it's hilarious!  Thank you, Peter Cheney!






If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click  HERE to buy it on Amazon
or HERE on Goodreads.

My book is sort of like this:



Some quotes that seem apt for today:

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--"Keep away from children." --Phyllis Diller

The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then I've done my job. --Roseanne Barr

Erma Bombeck once said, "Grandchildren are God's reward for letting your OWN children live."  

I agree!!----fishducky