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Friday, May 31, 2013

COULD YOU OPEN THESE DRAWERS?


Or stack your books & knickknacks here?

It's just possible that some designers have gone to extremes
in trying to come up with a new look for furniture.

This must be the original couch potato,
but I don't think I could relax on it:

This looks like a good idea:

These chairs look like fun:

But these coffee tables & the lamp would take some getting used to:




I guess an animal lover COULD be comfortable here:

Or here:

Or even here:



How about some more people (or parts of them) in your house?:


Imagine being hung over & trying to find some clothes in the morning:


This is too much for me--I'm going back to bed!:

To see even more weird furniture'
click HERE


I actually found four furniture jokes online:

Co-workers sympathized with a woman as she complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture over the weekend while her husband was golfing.
"Why didn't you wait until your husband got home?" someone asked.
"I could have," the woman told her, "But the couch is easier to move if he's not on it!"
~~~~~~~~~~

A couple was in a furniture store lamenting over the price of a bedroom set.  The salesman told them, "Here's what you do.  You finance it, then you don't make any payments for a year."
"Who told you about us?" the woman snapped back.
~~~~~~~~~~

A furniture sales rep was in Paris & noticed a beautiful woman smiling at him. They discovered that they had no language in common in which they could communicate.  The woman drew a picture of a wine glass, he nodded & they went to a restaurant & ordered a bottle of wine.  Then, on a napkin, she sketched two plates of food.  After a wonderful meal the lovely lady, with a smile, handed the sales rep a drawing of a bed.  And, as he tells the story, "To this day, I have no idea how she knew I was in the furniture business!"
~~~~~~~~~~

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
- Les Dawson

And even some cartoons:







                                        

I'm not really sure why I ran this post:

I'm getting that dreaded furniture disease.  That's when your chest starts falling into your drawers.

If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click  HERE to buy it on Amazon
or HERE on Goodreads.
If you don't buy my book, 
be very careful when you take a shower:





Redecorate any way you want.  After all, a man's home is his castle--in a manor of speaking----fishducky

 


Wednesday, May 29, 2013

JOB INTERVIEWS THAT WERE HELD IN MY HEAD




Did you ever wonder what some famous people would have said if they were being interviewed for a job?  You didn't?  Well, I did!  Here's what I think they might have said:

Julius Caesar: "My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that."

Jesse James "I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks."
 

Marie Antoinette: "I admit my management style has been criticized, but I like to think of myself as a people person."

Joseph Guillotin: "I can give your company a head start on the competition." 

Hamlet: "My last position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.  How much are you offering?  After all, the pay's the thing!"

The Wizard of Oz: "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.  I can handle this interview all by myself." 

Mario Andretti: "About that company car you're offering--does it matter if I can only turn left?"

Pandora: "I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things."
 

Genghis Khan: "My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized the population of several countries."

Lady Godiva: "What do you mean, this isn't business casual?"

Macbeth: "Would I go after my boss's job?  Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?"

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: "Don't worry about me quitting after a few months.  I always keep a job as long as I possibly can." 

Cher: "I’m so glad you require uniforms.  I never know what to wear."

Sally Field: "You're interviewing me!  You're really interviewing me!!"

Adolph Hitler: "I don’t mind working my up through the ranks.  I will OWN this company one day!"

Queen Elizabeth ll: "Is this an animal friendly office?  I have a couple of corgis…"

Attila the Hun: "Hire me & I guarantee we’ll crush the competition."

Albert Schweitzer: "I hope there’s not a lot of math involved.  I'm really tired of math."

Henry David Thoreau: "Would it be okay to work from home?  The reason I ask is there’s a really nice pond near where I live…"

Sir Isaac Newton:  "This bump?  It’s nothing.  For some strange reason, apples seem to keep falling on my head."

 Dr. Henry Heimlich: "Is there something stuck in your throat?  Here, let me help you…"

Yogi Bear:  "Do you mind if we have lunch while we talk?  I brought a picnic basket with me."

Marcel Marceau: “--------"

Designer of the Titanic:  "What could possibly go wrong if you hired me?"

Ogden Nash: "I want to work, I’m not a jerk.  Give me lots of money & I’m sure I could be funny."

Francis Scott Key:  "I just thought of a little jingle that your company might use.  Let me sing it for you."

Michelangelo: "What do you mean, you don't understand what I said--do I have to paint you a picture?"

Hugh Hefner: "Your receptionist is really hot.  Do you think she’d mind if I took her picture?"

Samson:  "OK, I’ll wear a net or put it in a ponytail, but there’s no way I’m getting my hair cut for this job!"  

Elvis Presley: "My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's a story about a woman who desperately needs a job--& a business manager:

An elderly couple were discussing the dire strait of their financial situation.  
Him: "You're gonna have to get a job!"
Her:  "I should get a job?  What could I do?"
Him:  "You could be a whore."
Her:  "I could be a whore?"
Him:  "You could try."
Her:  "I'll try."
The next evening she comes home, totally exhausted & looking like something the cat dragged in.
Him:  'So, how'd you do?"
Her:  "Okay--I made $13.10."
Him:  "$13.10!  Who gave you the 10 cents?"
Her:  "EVERYBODY gave me 10 cents!"

Job interview at Ikea:









For those of you still in the 9 to 5 routine:


From my posts, you might think I'm slightly unbalanced,
but she definitely is not!!

If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click  HERE to buy it on Amazon
or HERE on Goodreads.

My book is sort of like this:


 Check out the Random Acts of Kindness Blogfest HERE. 
If you need some ideas, click HERE

This video is not funny.
butt may give you some more ideas:




Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A good doctor!"----fishducky 












Monday, May 27, 2013

HOW TO BECOME RICH


Of course, the easiest way to get rich is to be born to rich parents.  If you've already screwed up that part, I have a suggestion.  This should work:

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.  The old guy fingered his silk vest & said, "Well, son, it was 1932, in the depth of the Great Depression.  I was literally down to my last nickel.  I invested that nickel in an apple.  I spent the entire day polishing it & at the end of the day, I sold it for ten cents.  With that dime, the next day I bought two apples.  I spent the whole day polishing them & sold them at 5 o'clock for twenty cents.  I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd amassed a fortune of $13.60. Then my wife's father died & left us ten million dollars."

Or you could try this:

One day a multibillionaire was bored, so he asked his butler to get him 3 men.  A few hours later the butler comes back. The man says "OK I've a deal you can't refuse. Who can swim successfully across this pool filed with sharks, eels, & alligators.  The winner may have whatever his heart desires."  No one replies so the man gives up.  All of a sudden the man hears a splash. One of the men is swimming as fast as he can, dodging all the sharks, eels, and alligators. The billionaire was so impressed that someone had enough guts take up his challenge. He congratulates the man & asks him what he wants. The man replies, "I want the son of a bitch who pushed me in!"

Or you could borrow a whole lot of money & forget to pay it back.

OK, you have to admit I tried.  If that doesn't work for you, either, all I have left are some jokes & quotes:

Doctor to a rich man: Do you want a local anesthesia? 
Rich man: I would prefer an imported one. 

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren’t for my money, this house wouldn’t be here!" The wife replied, "Sweetheart, if it weren’t for your money I wouldn’t be here."

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

Bill Gates is so rich, he's afraid to do his banking in person for fear that their employees will stick him up.

After years of scrimping & saving, a husband told his wife the good news. "Honey, we've finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1989."  "You mean a brand new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.  "No," said the husband, " a 1989 Cadillac!"

What's 6 inches long & 2 inches wide & drives women wild?
Money.

"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be!"--Rita Rudner











This is a long post, so relax & enjoy this song:




I just got this email:

"IS IT BETTER TO BE A JOCK OR A NERD?"

Consider Michael Jordan, having "retired", with $40 million in endorsements.  He makes $178,000 a day, working or not.  If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.  If he goes to see a movie, it will cost him $10 or $12, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.  If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while it's boiling.  He makes $7,415 an hour more than the minimum wage.

He'd make $3,710 while watching each episode of "Friends".  If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.  If someone were to hand him his salary & endorsement money in cash, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'd probably pay around $200 for a round of golf at an expensive course, but would be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.  Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a 401k, his contributions would hit the federal cap of $10,500 at 8:45 am on January 1st.  If he gave you a penny for every $10 he made, you'd have an extra $65,000 a year to play around with.

He'd make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics & about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.  While the common person is spending about $20-$30 for a meal at Jordan's trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5,600.  This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all the past presidents for all of their terms--combined!  Amazing, isn't it?

However--if he saved 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he'd still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment!

Game over.  Nerd wins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 Check out the Random Acts of Kindness Blogfest HERE. 
If you need some ideas, click HERE
 (It can be something as simple as this: After a major earthquake here in L.A., I was in the 99 Cent Store buying candles, batteries, etc.  Two sisters, around 10 years old, were trying to do the same thing.  They were a couple of dollars short, so I paid for them.  It was a wonderful feeling to be able to help.  I also try to compliment a waitress on her jewelry, or a waiter on his tie, & their service.  It makes them smile!)


pinterest



If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click HERE  to get
it free tomorrow only!!   

I can't remember if I've already run this cartoon, 
but my book is sort of like this:

It may actually be better to be poor than rich.  Rich people worry that they might someday become poor.  Poor people NEVER worry about becoming rich----fishducky