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Wednesday, May 22, 2013

BIRTH CONTROL ON THE INTERNET



There's a wonderful website I've discovered that speaks volumes for birth control.  It is not posted by Planned Parenthood or by any religious organization. It was started by a woman who just wanted to show her family some of the things her kids had done.  It's called "ShitMyKidsRuined.com" & it took off like a house on fire.  I never really understood that expression, but anyhow, parents loved it & submitted photos of their own personal catastrophes.  If you're thinking of getting married or adopting a pet, she also has websites for those things--just substitute "wife", "husband" or "pet" for "kids"when you do a search.  Today, I'm just going to post some of her excerpts for kids.  The parent's comments are included.  If these don't make you become celibate or at least consider birth control, nothing will!

TV or pinata?
The other morning while my sister in law was in the shower, my 5 year-old nephew took a stick to the TV and beat it until it completely broke, as evidenced by the above picture. This act was so out of character for him and I couldn’t figure out why he would do this.
It wasn’t until I asked what he was watching at the time that it all became very clear. He’d been watching “Curious George’s Birthday” which is all about a piñata, and I guess he just wanted to join in on the fun, not thinking that it would actually break the TV.  He had just hit a piñata over the weekend for a birthday party, so I guess it was just a little too fresh in his mind.

Shredded ticket
My son, Bryce, who is 2 years old, shredded our lotto ticket with 16 draws left on it. It was a $100 ticket. My husband left our office door open and our son climbed the desk, plucked the lotto ticket from the basket, put it in the shredder saying ‘Bills, bills’ as he shredded it.
Frantic, I searched through the shopping bag that lined the basket of the shredder, found most of the pieces and put them together. When we called Florida Lotto they said that the ticket is now useless in its condition.  We wouldn’t have won anything from it yet, but this could be an EPIC FAIL if we would have. I’m going to neatly place it in my son’s baby book, if we would have won, as a constant reminder of why he is the only 16 year old kid WITHOUT a car of his own.

Thanks, Wyatt!
I was doing dishes and looked over to see my 1 year old had ripped off the keys to my laptop. UGH! I did manage to get most of them back on.

16 month old boy manages to reverse cell phone text
Let your kid hold your cell phone to keep him quiet and he will do this … all text is reversed and must now be read in a mirror. Removing the battery does not fix the problem. The boy clearly possesses some evil electronic superpower.

Secret stash
I caught my 19 month old son sticking one of his crayons in the VCR. When I went to take it away from him I noticed something bright and yellow sticking out of the flap so on closer examination this is what I discovered inside. Yep, that’s Halloween candy in there. I removed about 14 pieces of candy as well as 2 more crayons and some refrigerator magnets. There is still a Tootsie Pop in there but it’s shoved so far back in there I can’t get it out.

Our fish
My 3 year old thought our fish would enjoy an entire container of black pepper for breakfast!

Spicy floor recipe
Here’s the recipe. Just pour out and mix together…
7 oz. cinnamon, 7 oz. baking powder, 4 oz. black pepper, 2 oz. garam masala, 1 oz. cumin, 1 oz. nutmeg, 1 oz. cream of tartar, 1 oz. coriander, 2 oz. chili powder, dash of white pepper.
Now, I would have probably mixed it in a bowl, instead of on the floor, but I digress…

Sweeney toddler
Sweeney Toddler. The day before Easter family photos.

E is for elderly
Notice how he lovingly writes MOTHER down the left side.  I was all aglow until I read the E : Elderly.  He definitely ruined my vanity!  But, gotta love the rest of it!

Cracked in the eye!
When my daughter was about 3, I was helping her step into her jammie pants. She RANDOMLY jumped straight up, and cracked me in the eye with her freakin rock head. This was just what I looked like the first night… it only got better from there.
I now have 3 kids and this picture still accurately depicts how I feel on a day to day basis.

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:
                                               $180,000 Porsche vs. garage door 
Here’s a little visual taste of this story.
You MUST read the story here, it's hilarious!  Thank you, Peter Cheney!






If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click  HERE to buy it on Amazon
or HERE on Goodreads.

My book is sort of like this:



Some quotes that seem apt for today:

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--"Keep away from children." --Phyllis Diller

The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then I've done my job. --Roseanne Barr

Erma Bombeck once said, "Grandchildren are God's reward for letting your OWN children live."  

I agree!!----fishducky





17 comments:

  1. Ah yes, we had quite a few kid-induced household casualties over the years!

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    1. As have we all--it's called "parenting"!

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  2. I now think that the time 3-year-old Hurricane shut the garage door on the car while I was backing it out was really no big deal.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. Not how you felt at the time, right?

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    2. I remember crying NO NO NO as if furiously punched at the button, trying to keep the door from hitting the car, but it moved inexorably toward my vehicle. Darling little Hurricane. We certainly gave her the correct name.

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  3. Replies
    1. I once heard her speak at a luncheon--she broke up the whole crowd of about 2,000 people!!

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  4. Anyone who has raised kids can relate and add a few horror stories of their own. No wonder the site took off.

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  5. Hey, I had to ask for all of mine. Most of them were already housebroke when we got them which didn't help me at all when we got the one day old. When we got number 7and number 8, I started writing humor which was basically recording life as a senior citizen with a one day old and a three year old. Jody, The Medicare Mom

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    Replies
    1. This is from a lady who adopted 6 children plus 2 of her grandchildren!! I just discovered her & I now follow her blog. CHECK HER OUT!!

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  6. FROM MELYNDA: Love this one. When Meg was about 2 she randomly decided to make a get away in JC Penney's. As adults we could see a looming table ahead of her and her dad was yelling at her to stop. She was laughing and looking back at us as she ran.. Last second she turned her head and ran face first into the table. Mark got to her about this time, and she looked up at him while howling...
    Why'd you do that daddy? Why did you slam my head on the table. Why daddy why?"
    I thought he was going to choke her as people walked by shaking their heads and scowling at him. I was laughing like a hyena of course because everyone knows I am a huge help in these situations. Didn't help I was pregnant with child number two.

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  7. How stressful is that. We've had the reversed cellphone before ;)

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  8. Dear Fishducky, that Erma Bombeck quote is a keeper--at least that's what I've heard from so many friends who have been able to relax with their grandchildren when they couldn't with their own children because of the necessity to "teach them right from wrong." Peace.

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    Replies
    1. Grandparenting is easy! You can give them candy & junk food & play with them & then, when YOU'RE tired, tell THEIR parents that the kids are tired or poopy & they should take them home!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.