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Monday, May 13, 2013

I DON'T UNDERSTAND...


Somehow, Blogger screwed up.  Only some of you were able to read this post Wednesday so I deleted it & am running it again today.  If it works, you get two posts for the price of one today!!  It didn't run on Friday, either, so I'm now trying for Monday!!



I have to admit there are many things I just don't understand.  Among them are:


How can a 2 pound box of candy make you gain 5 pounds?  Why, after hanging in your closet for a year, do clothes shrink 2 sizes?  Why do some women get all excited about nothing--& then marry him?  If all the world's a stage, where is the audience sitting?  Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a pool?  If God dropped acid, would he see people?  And if work is so great, how come they have to pay you to do it?

I'm far from the only one who's a bit confused.  Look at these guys:

A "Life & Career" coach met with a prospective client one day & asked him what he wanted to get out of their sessions.
"Clarity," the client said very firmly.
"And on what issues are you looking for clarity?" the coach asked.
"Well," he said in a less confident tone, "I'm not sure."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a trial had been going on for some time, the defendant stood up & approached the judge's bench.  "Your Honor," he said, "I'd like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."
The judge angrily banged his gavel on the desk.  "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place & save this court a lot of time & inconvenience?" he demanded.
The defendant looked up wide-eyed & stated, "To tell you the truth, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's possible there was some confusion in these excerpts of letters to the Welfare Department--there was certainly some confusion while reading them:

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on another sheet of paper. 

I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy. 

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why? 

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. 

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it? 

Please find out if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows. 

I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs.  I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate & my 3 children, one of which you can see is a mistake.

I want money as quick as I can get it.  I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks & he doesn't do me any good.  If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.






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I stopped fighting my inner demons.  We're on the same side now----fishducky





15 comments:

  1. I would also like to know how you can gain five pounds eating a two pound box of candy. And I've always suspected that penguins weren't good at logic. I hope you figure out your posting problem so others can laugh like I did.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wish I knew, but I'm not a nutritionist. I think I'll have to pull the post & run it tomorrow!

      Delete
  2. Hi fishducky
    I came over from Dee's blog.
    The excerpts of letters to the Welfare Department are hilarious :-)
    I'd also would like to know how you can gain five pounds from eating a 2 lb box of candy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi--& welcome!! As I told Stephen, I have no idea, but I swear that's what happens, & I speak from experience!!

      Delete
  3. Very funny.

    You goofy woman you. :-)

    Pearl

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love your posts--I take that as praise from on high!!

      Delete
  4. Talk about court's time and money, why do we have such long trials anyway?
    About gaining weight, I cannot understand the facts either. You go and eat a pound and a half of Water Melon, you actually loose weight and you eat one candy bar, you gain weight.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I need to lose about 30 pounds. How much watermelon would I need to eat?

      Delete
  5. Those Welfare Dept. letters were just too funny this early in the morning.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The funniest part is that the people who wrote them were serious!!

      Delete
  6. Hello! Very nice blog and interesting posts, great atmosphere.
      Have a nice day. :)
    Welcome to our blog about photography. +
    I hope you also enjoy it with us.

    Greetings!

    "Do what you love is not even that, but anyway"

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dear Fishducky, this language of ours can be such a bear to use and some people don't recognize misplaced modifiers or logic. I also think they don't reread what they just wrote. Having said that, I also want to say that the mistakes are truly funny to read! Peace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Misplaced modifiers are a major cause of merriment!!

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.