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Friday, June 28, 2013

NURSERY RHYMES FISHDUCKY STYLE


As I was languishing here in my senility easy chair, I was rereading some nursery rhymes & decided they could use some tweaking to modernize them.  (These are  from Fishducky's Fables.)  Here's what I came up with:

LITTLE JACK HORNER
Little Jack Horner sat in the corner
Eating his Christmas pork,
He put in his thumb and pulled out a plum
And said, “I wish I had a fork!”

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
It followed her to school one day, which was against the rule.
The cafeteria lady was surprised to see a lamb at school.
She offered to take care of it and Mary said, “All right.”
At lunch she got the “special” and took a great big bite.
“Yummy,” she thought and she had another slice.
She knew that all the other kids had thought her lamb was nice.
The thought of a ham sandwich tomorrow simply made her drool
And she wondered if she could get her pig to follow her to school.

THE OLD WOMAN WHO LIVED IN A SHOE
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children she didn’t know what to do.
She knew she had too many, but they were all so cute.
They needed a bigger place to live in so she bought a knee-high boot.

BAA, BAA, BLACK SHEEP
Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes, sir, yes, sir,
Three bags full;
One for the master,
And one for the dame,
And one for the IRS man,
Whose office is down the lane!

EENY, MEENY, MINY, MOE
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
Catch a tiger by the toe.
If he steps out of place, throw a pie in his face,
So say Larry, Curly and Moe.

GEORGIE PORGIE
Georgie Porgie, Puddin' and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry,
When facing a sex discrimination suit,
He refused to testify and remained mute.

HEY DIDDLE DIDDLE
Hey diddle diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon,
The little dog laughed to see such a spree
Man, they enjoyed their LSD!

WEE WILLIE WINKIE
Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Up stairs and down stairs in his night-gown,
Tapping at the windows, crying at the locks,
“If I left my clothes at your house, stick ‘em in the mailbox!”

TOM, TOM, THE PIPER’S SON
Tom, Tom, the piper's son,
Stole a pig, and away did run;
The pig was digested
And Tom was arrested,
And sent to the pokey for what he’d done.

SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE
Sing a song of sixpence,
A pocket full of rye.
Four and twenty blackbirds,
Baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened,
The birds were all distraught.
Well, wouldn't you be (like a fricassee)
When the oven is so damned hot?

JACK SPRATT
Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
His wife could eat no lean.
Mrs. Spratt became so fat
That when he stood beside her, he couldn’t be seen.

OLD MOTHER HUBBARD
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard,
Because her poor dog was getting thinner.
When she got there,
The cupboard was bare,
And so they went out to dinner.

A-TISKET A-TASKIT
A-tisket a-tasket
A green and yellow basket
I wrote a letter to my love
And on the way I dropped it,
I dropped it,
I dropped it,
And on the way I dropped it.
A little boy he picked it up and put it in his pocket.
I prbbly shd hv txtd hm!

HICKORY, DICKORY, DOCK
Hickory, dickory, dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
The mouse ran down,
He had a 1:30 appointment at the vet’s.

DIDDLE, DIDDLE, DUMPLING
Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,
Went to bed with his trousers on;
One shoe off, and one shoe on,
No wonder his sheets are so dirty!

GOOSEY GOOSEY GANDER
Goosey goosey gander,
Whither shall I wander?
Upstairs and downstairs
And in my lady's chamber.
There I met an old man
Who wouldn't say his prayers,
So I took him by his left leg
And threw him down the stairs.
He’s in the hospital, praying NOW!!

HUMPTY DUMPTY
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.
But if the TV ads are true,
They could’ve done it with Crazy Glue!

LONDON BRIDGE
London Bridge is falling down,
Falling down, falling down.
London Bridge is falling down,
So they moved it to Lake Havasu.

OLD KING COLE
Old King Cole was a merry old soul
And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl
And he called for his fiddlers three.
Every fiddler he had a fiddle,
And a very fine fiddle had he;
Oh there's none so rare, as can compare
With King Cole and his fiddlers three.
Watch for the Reunion Tour in your city SOON!

PAT-A-CAKE, PAT-A-CAKE
Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man.
Bake me a cake as fast as you can;
Roll it, Pat it and mark it with B,
I wonder if this comes in a mix?


PEASE PORRIDGE HOT
Pease porridge hot, pease porridge cold,
Pease porridge in the pot, nine days old;
Some like it hot, some like it cold,
I wouldn’t eat it nine days old.

ROSES ARE RED
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
But Stevia’s sweeter.

ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT
Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
I wish we had an outboard motor.


SIMPLE SIMON
Simple Simon met a pieman,
Going to the fair;
Says Simple Simon to the pieman,
Let me taste your ware.
Says the pieman to Simple Simon,
Show me first your penny;
Says Simple Simon to the pieman,
Indeed I have not any.
Says the pieman to Simple Simon,
Get lost, you creep!!

THREE BLIND MICE
Three blind mice. Three blind mice.
See how they run. See how they run.
They all ran after the farmer's wife,
Who cut off their tails with a carving knife,
Did you ever see such a sight in your life
As three blind mice trying to get away from a crazy lady intent on vivisection?

JACK AND JILL
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
They each had a buck and a quarter.
They both fell down,
And I don’t know what happened,
But Jill came home with $2.50.








If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click  HERE to buy it on Amazon
or HERE on Goodreads.



I imagine--therefore, I might be----fishducky

 





Wednesday, June 26, 2013

RANDOM THOUGHTS ON AGING FROM AN OLD BRAIN



A friend told me this story:

During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying---until she glanced at my grandparents.  My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand.  That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing.  After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.  "Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," my grandmother replied, "But I was just checking his pulse." 

A woman's husband dies. He had left $100,000 to be used for an elaborate funeral. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely nothing left from the $100,000."The friend asks, "It was a lovely funeral, but how can that be?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $16,500. And of course I made a donation to the church. That was $1,000, and I spent another $1,000 for the wake, food and drinks. The rest went for the memorial stone. The friend says, "$82,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"  The widow says, "Four and a half carats."

Q--How do older men exercise on the beach?
A--By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.  "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"  "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,  "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked  'NO REFILLS'!"


Q--How many rich older men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A--ONE.   He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.



A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.  Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.  Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"  "He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.  "Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.  "Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.  "Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days, isn't He?"

Q-- How do older men define a "50/50" relationship?
A--She cooks, I eat; she cleans, I dirty; she irons, I wrinkle.

An old woman came into a bar & asked the bartender for a drink. Then she started to yell, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Five more seniors came in & started to do the same thing.  One of them had a “Barney” jigsaw puzzle. The bartender asked them, "Why are you all yelling 'Yeah, yeah, yeah!'?" They explained, "We’re here to celebrate!  We’re proud of ourselves, sonny--we did this puzzle in three hours & it says 2-3 years!"

Q--What's the best way to force an older man to do sit ups?
A--Put the remote control between his toes.

Lying on his deathbed, the wealthy Mr. Smith was instructing his attorney on last-minute changes in his will.  “I wish to leave everything I own, all stocks, bonds, property, art, & money, to my wife. However, there is one stipulation.”  “And that is?”  “In order to inherit, she must marry within six months of my death.”  The lawyer seemed puzzled. “Why make such an unusual request?”  Mr. Smith answered, “Because I want someone to be sorry I died.”

Q-- What's the smartest thing an older man can say?
A--"My wife says..."

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful & very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal & charm & who hangs over Bob's arm & listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him & ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"  "I lied about my age," Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles & says, "No, I told her I was 90."

Q--Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for old men than for old women?
A--When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

A few days before her birthday a rich older husband asked his young trophy wife, “Honey, what would you like for your present?”
Wife: I really don’t think I should say.
Husband: How about a diamond ring?
Wife: I already have plenty of diamonds.
Husband: Well, then, a mink coat?
Wife: You know I don’t like furs.
Husband: A new car?
Wife: I love the one I already have.
Husband: Well, gosh, what do you want?
Wife: What I’d really like is a divorce.
Husband: To tell you the truth, I wasn’t planning on spending that much!
























If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click  HERE to buy it on Amazon
or HERE on Goodreads.

My book is sort of like this:





We are always the same age inside. 
--Gertrude Stein






The older you get, the better you think you were----fishducky


 






Monday, June 24, 2013

PUMPING RUST--AN EXERCISE GUIDE FOR SENIORS




I joined a health club last year, spent about 250 bucks.  Haven't lost a pound.  I didn't realize you actually you have to go there!  Their brochure had some interesting ideas for "those of a certain age" who are thinking of exercising to improve their health.  Here they are, along with a few ideas of my own:

I came across this exercise to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems easy, so I thought I'd pass it on. The article said to do it three days a week.  Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.  With a 5 lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.  After a couple of weeks, move up to 10 lb. potato sacks. Then 50 lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.  After a month or so at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Water exercise for seniors--sit in the tub, pull the plug, and fight the current.

Forget health food--at our age, we need all the preservatives we can get.

Insanity is a very good means of relaxation.

Women over 50 should not have babies for 2 reasons. First, their stomach muscles are no longer strong enough to recover from childbirth & second, they would be likely to put the babies down somewhere and forget where they left them.

If you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster, see your doctor before starting an exercise program.

Need an incentive to do sit-ups? Put a candy bar between your knees.

If you decide to get a facelift, put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." Caution: Leave air holes.

The first machine the health club may put you on is the respirator.

Ripping the wrapper off a Hershey Bar is NOT considered exercise.

Long walks can be enjoyable, especially when they're taken by people who annoy you.

Get into heavy lifting--carry your lunch to work.

Running after the Good Humor truck is not adequate aerobic exercise.

If you are going to try cross-country running, start with a small country.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, "Well, she looks good, doesn't she?"


Do not expect results too quickly.  See what their clients have to say:

"I joined an aerobics class for overweight men. We meet in the church basement. Well, actually, we were on the first floor when we started last week."

"I felt like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over."

"I know exercise is good for you. My wife's tongue has never been sick a day in her life. Unfortunately, she was forced to quit her aerobics class because she broke a toe. Fortunately, it wasn't hers."


The health club was very helpful.  They also included some love making tips for seniors:

Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle of the session.

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

Use extra Polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

And, most important--have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.








Tomorrow is my first anniversary of blogging, so I thought I'd congratulate myself:


If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click  HERE to buy it on Amazon
or HERE on Goodreads.
Better hurry!  
Get your copy before they sell out!!




 I finally got my head together and my body fell apart----fishducky