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Monday, June 10, 2013

GOD'S HUMOR BOOK, PART 2--THE NEW TESTAMENT


A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday.  He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something happened in Sunday school class that he would like to talk about.  He told his mother, "Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can't stop thinking about him.  She said he was cross-eyed and I feel bad for him.”  The mother couldn't understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her. The teacher said she only taught hymns that morning. Then she began laughing out loud and said to the mother, “I know what Jeffrey’s talking about.  We learned the hymn, 'Gladly the Cross I'd Bear'!".
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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike.  As he preached he moved over the platform, jerking the cord as he went.  He moved to side to side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again.  After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
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God looks down & realizes that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so He decides to create a companion for man as well.  He tells him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation & therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion.She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will love you like no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand & foot, she will be beautiful & all it will cost you is an arm & a leg.  Adam thinks for a few minutes & asks, "What could I get for a rib?"
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A little eight year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "Can we leave now?"  "No," her mother said.  "But I think I have to throw up!"  Her mother told her to go out the front door & around to the back of the church & throw up behind a bush.  In about two minutes, the little girl returned to her seat.  "Did you throw up?" her mother asked.  "Yes," said the little girl.  Her mother asked her how she could have gone all the way behind the church & returned so quickly. "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy," the little girl answered, "They had a box next to the front door that said, 'For the sick'!"
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A preacher who, shall we say, was "humor impaired", attended a conference to better equip pastors for their ministry.  Among the speakers were many well known & dynamic people.  One approached the pulpit & said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"  The crowd was shocked!  "He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"  The crowd burst into laughter & he delivered the rest of his talk, which went very well.  The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try & use that joke in his sermon.  As he approached the pulpit, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head, but it seemed kind of foggy to him.  Getting to the pulpit, he picked up the microphone & said, "The happiest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"  The congregation inhaled half the air in the church.  After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to remember the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...& I can't remember who she was!"
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A few years after world War ll a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest.  "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.  During the war, I hid a refugee in my attic."  "Well,"said the priest, "That's not a sin."  "But I made him agree to pay me 20 gulden for every week he stayed."  The priest said, "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."  The man said, "Oh, thank you, Father, that eases my mind.  May I ask you one question?"  "What is that, my son?"  The man asked, "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
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ahajokes.com

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a kiss?"  So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord, that was enjoyable."  And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that.  Now I'd like you to caress Eve."  And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?” So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.  Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "'Lord, that was even better than the kiss."  And the Lord said, "'You've done well, Adam.  Now I want you to make love to Eve."  And Adam asked, "What is 'make love', Lord?"   So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
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comedyzone.com

And, of course, cartoons:










Consider this argument for capital punishment: Where would Christianity be if Jesus got eight to fifteen years, with time off for good behavior?

If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
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You are getting very sleepy.  
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That's all the religious stuff for a while.  I wouldn't want "you know who" to smite me!----fishducky

 










19 comments:

  1. All good. My favorite is the "What can I get for a rib?"

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    1. Sometimes it doesn't pay to shop around!!

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  2. I think Eve read Elisa's book about avoiding sex.

    Love,
    Janie

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  3. It's getting harder and harder to pick out a favorite but I really laughed at the sick little girl in Church. "They had a box next to the front door that said, 'For the sick'!"

    Very funny!

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  4. I think you have outdone yourself here, my friend.

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    1. Are you trying to say that I should quit now?

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  5. Replies
    1. My sole purpose in life is to amuse you, Rick!!

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  6. Welcome to my 87th follower!! Is that you, Swathi?

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  7. After looking at giraffes, hippos and most people I'm almost positive God has a sense of humor. I think He'd enjoy your post. I know I did.

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    1. He would have to, just to let the human race survive!!

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  8. "Lord, what is a headache?" LOLOLOLOL

    I HAVE to read the one about Galdly the cross-eyed bear to the kids! :)

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    1. Make sure you call him "GLADLY", not "GALDY"!!

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  9. Dear Fran, the first story made me laugh out loud, the one about Gladly the bear! Also the cartoon and Mary and her mother-in-law. Where do you find these and how do you keep them all ready to use when you have a theme?????? Peace.

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    1. I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!!

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  10. You have put a smile on my face this evening! I must share this with my dad his humour and yours seem to be onthe same page!

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    1. Hope he likes it--& I also hope that He (you know who I mean) likes it, too!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.