Follow

Friday, June 28, 2013

NURSERY RHYMES FISHDUCKY STYLE


As I was languishing here in my senility easy chair, I was rereading some nursery rhymes & decided they could use some tweaking to modernize them.  (These are  from Fishducky's Fables.)  Here's what I came up with:

LITTLE JACK HORNER
Little Jack Horner sat in the corner
Eating his Christmas pork,
He put in his thumb and pulled out a plum
And said, “I wish I had a fork!”

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
It followed her to school one day, which was against the rule.
The cafeteria lady was surprised to see a lamb at school.
She offered to take care of it and Mary said, “All right.”
At lunch she got the “special” and took a great big bite.
“Yummy,” she thought and she had another slice.
She knew that all the other kids had thought her lamb was nice.
The thought of a ham sandwich tomorrow simply made her drool
And she wondered if she could get her pig to follow her to school.

THE OLD WOMAN WHO LIVED IN A SHOE
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children she didn’t know what to do.
She knew she had too many, but they were all so cute.
They needed a bigger place to live in so she bought a knee-high boot.

BAA, BAA, BLACK SHEEP
Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes, sir, yes, sir,
Three bags full;
One for the master,
And one for the dame,
And one for the IRS man,
Whose office is down the lane!

EENY, MEENY, MINY, MOE
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
Catch a tiger by the toe.
If he steps out of place, throw a pie in his face,
So say Larry, Curly and Moe.

GEORGIE PORGIE
Georgie Porgie, Puddin' and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry,
When facing a sex discrimination suit,
He refused to testify and remained mute.

HEY DIDDLE DIDDLE
Hey diddle diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon,
The little dog laughed to see such a spree
Man, they enjoyed their LSD!

WEE WILLIE WINKIE
Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Up stairs and down stairs in his night-gown,
Tapping at the windows, crying at the locks,
“If I left my clothes at your house, stick ‘em in the mailbox!”

TOM, TOM, THE PIPER’S SON
Tom, Tom, the piper's son,
Stole a pig, and away did run;
The pig was digested
And Tom was arrested,
And sent to the pokey for what he’d done.

SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE
Sing a song of sixpence,
A pocket full of rye.
Four and twenty blackbirds,
Baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened,
The birds were all distraught.
Well, wouldn't you be (like a fricassee)
When the oven is so damned hot?

JACK SPRATT
Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
His wife could eat no lean.
Mrs. Spratt became so fat
That when he stood beside her, he couldn’t be seen.

OLD MOTHER HUBBARD
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard,
Because her poor dog was getting thinner.
When she got there,
The cupboard was bare,
And so they went out to dinner.

A-TISKET A-TASKIT
A-tisket a-tasket
A green and yellow basket
I wrote a letter to my love
And on the way I dropped it,
I dropped it,
I dropped it,
And on the way I dropped it.
A little boy he picked it up and put it in his pocket.
I prbbly shd hv txtd hm!

HICKORY, DICKORY, DOCK
Hickory, dickory, dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
The mouse ran down,
He had a 1:30 appointment at the vet’s.

DIDDLE, DIDDLE, DUMPLING
Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,
Went to bed with his trousers on;
One shoe off, and one shoe on,
No wonder his sheets are so dirty!

GOOSEY GOOSEY GANDER
Goosey goosey gander,
Whither shall I wander?
Upstairs and downstairs
And in my lady's chamber.
There I met an old man
Who wouldn't say his prayers,
So I took him by his left leg
And threw him down the stairs.
He’s in the hospital, praying NOW!!

HUMPTY DUMPTY
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.
But if the TV ads are true,
They could’ve done it with Crazy Glue!

LONDON BRIDGE
London Bridge is falling down,
Falling down, falling down.
London Bridge is falling down,
So they moved it to Lake Havasu.

OLD KING COLE
Old King Cole was a merry old soul
And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl
And he called for his fiddlers three.
Every fiddler he had a fiddle,
And a very fine fiddle had he;
Oh there's none so rare, as can compare
With King Cole and his fiddlers three.
Watch for the Reunion Tour in your city SOON!

PAT-A-CAKE, PAT-A-CAKE
Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man.
Bake me a cake as fast as you can;
Roll it, Pat it and mark it with B,
I wonder if this comes in a mix?


PEASE PORRIDGE HOT
Pease porridge hot, pease porridge cold,
Pease porridge in the pot, nine days old;
Some like it hot, some like it cold,
I wouldn’t eat it nine days old.

ROSES ARE RED
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
But Stevia’s sweeter.

ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT
Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
I wish we had an outboard motor.


SIMPLE SIMON
Simple Simon met a pieman,
Going to the fair;
Says Simple Simon to the pieman,
Let me taste your ware.
Says the pieman to Simple Simon,
Show me first your penny;
Says Simple Simon to the pieman,
Indeed I have not any.
Says the pieman to Simple Simon,
Get lost, you creep!!

THREE BLIND MICE
Three blind mice. Three blind mice.
See how they run. See how they run.
They all ran after the farmer's wife,
Who cut off their tails with a carving knife,
Did you ever see such a sight in your life
As three blind mice trying to get away from a crazy lady intent on vivisection?

JACK AND JILL
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
They each had a buck and a quarter.
They both fell down,
And I don’t know what happened,
But Jill came home with $2.50.








If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click  HERE to buy it on Amazon
or HERE on Goodreads.



I imagine--therefore, I might be----fishducky

 





16 comments:

  1. From Melynda: These were actually some of Parker's favorites. He laughed every time he read one.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ahaha. I'm laughing in tears here! Tom, the piper's son and Jack and Jill were the best.

    What a great way to start the day. Thanks! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hehehe hilarious ... I hope my mind is this sharp when I'm senile ... uhm, wallowing in my easy chair ...

    ... brought back many memories ... and a hickory dickory from a Denis The Menace comic ...

    Hickory Dickory Dock
    The mouse ran up the clock
    He got a shock
    'twas an electric clock ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's good to read a comment from you again--I've missed you!!

      Delete
  4. Gravity is a pre-existing condition? Who knew?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just about everyone finds that out as they get older!!

      Delete
  5. So One-Stoned Crow is back! And hasn't come to see me, hmmm. I better go visit him. Other than that, thanks again for all the wonderful Friday laughs, dear fishducky.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome--& please tell One Stoned Crow I didn't mean to start a fight!!

      Delete
  6. I wonder what pease porridge is. It sounds pretty nasty.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
  7. I didn't know, either, so I looked it up. WiseGEEK says, "Quite simply, it is a form of the dish that most people today call split pea soup. In Britain and elsewhere, dried pease, or peas, were added along with various seasonings to water and hung to simmer in a kettle over a fire. Vegetables were added as available, and sometimes the porridge was flavored with bacon or salt pork. At the end of the day, the soup cooled and thickened, remaining in the pot to congeal. Eaten cold and thick the next morning, water and additional vegetables might be added, to thin it out and extend it for that day’s meals, and so on for the next day and the next. It’s conceivable that the porridge in the pot would indeed be a few days old by the time it was finished off, or finally given up on and fed to the pigs."

    ReplyDelete
  8. I loved Hey Diddle Diddle. :)

    And gravity is a preexisting condition. If it wasn't, why would anyone post children not have perky boobs?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe...I'm 78 & my boobs are still perky--& pigs CAN fly!!

      Delete
  9. Dear Fishducky, I read and enjoyed these nursery rhymes when I ordered your e-book. They gave me many chuckles. I was glad to see some cartoons here that did the same thing. You're a wit if there every was one! Peace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My husband would say that you're half right!!

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.