NURSERY RHYMES FISHDUCKY STYLE

As I was languishing here in my senility easy chair, I was rereading some nursery rhymes & decided they could use some tweaking to modernize them.  (These are  from Fishducky's Fables.)  Here's what I came up with:

LITTLE JACK HORNER

Little Jack Horner sat in the corner

Eating his Christmas pork,

He put in his thumb and pulled out a plum

And said, “I wish I had a fork!”

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,

And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.

It followed her to school one day, which was against the rule.

The cafeteria lady was surprised to see a lamb at school.

She offered to take care of it and Mary said, “All right.”

At lunch she got the “special” and took a great big bite.

“Yummy,” she thought and she had another slice.

She knew that all the other kids had thought her lamb was nice.

The thought of a ham sandwich tomorrow simply made her drool

And she wondered if she could get her pig to follow her to school.

THE OLD WOMAN WHO LIVED IN A SHOE

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.

She had so many children she didn’t know what to do.

She knew she had too many, but they were all so cute.

They needed a bigger place to live in so she bought a knee-high boot.

BAA, BAA, BLACK SHEEP

Baa, baa, black sheep,

Have you any wool?

Yes, sir, yes, sir,

Three bags full;

One for the master,

And one for the dame,

And one for the IRS man,

Whose office is down the lane!

EENY, MEENY, MINY, MOE

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,

Catch a tiger by the toe.

If he steps out of place, throw a pie in his face,

So say Larry, Curly and Moe.

GEORGIE PORGIE

Georgie Porgie, Puddin' and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry,

When facing a sex discrimination suit,

He refused to testify and remained mute.

HEY DIDDLE DIDDLE

Hey diddle diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon,
The little dog laughed to see such a spree

Man, they enjoyed their LSD!

WEE WILLIE WINKIE

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,

Up stairs and down stairs in his night-gown,

Tapping at the windows, crying at the locks,

“If I left my clothes at your house, stick ‘em in the mailbox!”

TOM, TOM, THE PIPER’S SON

Tom, Tom, the piper's son,

Stole a pig, and away did run;

The pig was digested

And Tom was arrested,

And sent to the pokey for what he’d done.

SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE

Sing a song of sixpence,
A pocket full of rye.
Four and twenty blackbirds,
Baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened,
The birds were all distraught.
Well, wouldn't you be (like a fricassee)
When the oven is so damned hot?

JACK SPRATT

Jack Sprat could eat no fat.

His wife could eat no lean.

Mrs. Spratt became so fat

That when he stood beside her, he couldn’t be seen.

OLD MOTHER HUBBARD

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard,
Because her poor dog was getting thinner.
When she got there,
The cupboard was bare,
And so they went out to dinner.

A-TISKET A-TASKIT

A-tisket a-tasket

A green and yellow basket

I wrote a letter to my love

And on the way I dropped it,

I dropped it,

I dropped it,

And on the way I dropped it.

A little boy he picked it up and put it in his pocket.

I prbbly shd hv txtd hm!

HICKORY, DICKORY, DOCK

Hickory, dickory, dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
The mouse ran down,

He had a 1:30 appointment at the vet’s.

DIDDLE, DIDDLE, DUMPLING

Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,

Went to bed with his trousers on;

One shoe off, and one shoe on,

No wonder his sheets are so dirty!

GOOSEY GOOSEY GANDER

Goosey goosey gander,
Whither shall I wander?
Upstairs and downstairs
And in my lady's chamber.
There I met an old man
Who wouldn't say his prayers,
So I took him by his left leg
And threw him down the stairs.

He’s in the hospital, praying NOW!!

HUMPTY DUMPTY

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

But if the TV ads are true,

They could’ve done it with Crazy Glue!

LONDON BRIDGE

London Bridge is falling down,
Falling down, falling down.
London Bridge is falling down,

So they moved it to Lake Havasu.

OLD KING COLE

Old King Cole was a merry old soul
And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl
And he called for his fiddlers three.
Every fiddler he had a fiddle,
And a very fine fiddle had he;
Oh there's none so rare, as can compare
With King Cole and his fiddlers three.

Watch for the Reunion Tour in your city SOON!

PAT-A-CAKE, PAT-A-CAKE

Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man.

Bake me a cake as fast as you can;

Roll it, Pat it and mark it with B,

I wonder if this comes in a mix?

PEASE PORRIDGE HOT

Pease porridge hot, pease porridge cold,

Pease porridge in the pot, nine days old;

Some like it hot, some like it cold,

I wouldn’t eat it nine days old.

ROSES ARE RED

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Sugar is sweet,

But Stevia’s sweeter.

ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT

Row, row, row your boat,

Gently down the stream.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,

I wish we had an outboard motor.

SIMPLE SIMON

Simple Simon met a pieman,

Going to the fair;

Says Simple Simon to the pieman,

Let me taste your ware.

Says the pieman to Simple Simon,

Show me first your penny;

Says Simple Simon to the pieman,

Indeed I have not any.

Says the pieman to Simple Simon,

Get lost, you creep!!

THREE BLIND MICE

Three blind mice. Three blind mice.

See how they run. See how they run.

They all ran after the farmer's wife,

Who cut off their tails with a carving knife,

Did you ever see such a sight in your life

As three blind mice trying to get away from a crazy lady intent on vivisection?

JACK AND JILL

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

They each had a buck and a quarter.

They both fell down,

And I don’t know what happened,

But Jill came home with $2.50.

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Shouldn't it be mine?

I imagine--therefore, I might be----fishducky