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Wednesday, July 31, 2013

A MEDLEY OF MISCELLANEOUS MISTAKES




A question for you:

How many armed guards accompanied the Hope Diamond to the Smithsonian? 


A. None
B. 5
C. 10
D. 15

(Answer below)
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Speaking of jewelry: My husband is an excellent bridge player.  When we were dating, I knew how to play many card games, but not bridge.  We decided that the best way for me to learn would be to go to a local club where they gave lessons & then played, with supervision.  We met an older woman there who dressed rather oddly.  Her clothes were clean & neat but quite out of style.  She wore a lot of what I first thought was costume jewelry, because of its size.  I later learned that it was not, & that she was an heiress. One evening while visiting with her, I admired a brooch with a very large stone at its center.  I told her it was beautiful & asked, kiddingly, if it had a name.  She told me no, then turned over her jacket lapel, exposing a huge  ruby & said, "But this is the Star of India!"
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Colgate has created a very ingenious advertising campaign to promote their dental floss, but before I explain to you the main detail of these images, look at them carefully. 



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Now that you had time to quietly observe the images, in the first one you will notice that she has one finger too many in her hand, in the second one a phantom arm is floating there, and in the third one the man has only one ear.

The campaign attained its purpose, because it proved that food remaining on your teeth draws more attention than any physical defect.

Very clever.  I failed on all counts!  I kept looking at the teeth.  So did you, right?
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This should probably go in here:



This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.  Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship.  I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:  No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.  I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO INSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. It's your call.
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A good Hassidic Jewish family is most concerned that their 30-year-old son is unmarried.  They call a marriage broker and ask him to find their son a good wife.  

The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking questions of the son and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law. They give him a long shopping list of requirements. 

The marriage broker takes a long time looking, and finally asks to visit the family again. He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has found. He says, “She's just the right age for your son. She keeps a Glatt kosher home, she regularly attends synagogue and knows the prayers by heart, and she's a wonderful cook. She loves children and wants a large family. And, to crown it all off, she's gorgeous.” 

After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.  The son pauses and asks inappropriately, "Is she any good in bed?"
 
The marriage broker answers,
 
“Some say yes, some say no.”
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I think this video fits in very well  here:

I stole this from saw this in
I Think; Therefore I Yam
& I HAD to use it:
Thank you, Susan!!
  










Answer to Hope Diamond question:

A: None.  When he donated the Hope Diamond to the Smithsonian in 1958, jeweler Harry Winston sent the gem by registered first-class mail. Of the $145.29 mailing price, only $2.44 was for postage. The balance was the fee for $1 million in insurance.


One of my husband's favorite sayings (about himself): "I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong."  This should be his theme song----fishducky


 





Monday, July 29, 2013

HELP WANTED



An employment questionnaire is used by employers to evaluate their prospective employees’ ability just before they are assigned duties or taken through other interview exercises. The details given by the prospective employees are important in revealing their performance since the employment questionnaires are archived for future reference, and they can be invoked in case the employee fails to perform as stated in some questions. In most cases, employment questionnaires are kept in active status for a period of three months from the date they are received from job applicants. This emphasizes their importance to job applicants. Below is a sample employment questionnaire for the law firm of DEWEY, CHEATEM & HOWE with well thought out answers.

Date:  OK, I'm free this Saturday.

Name: fishducky f. fishducky (The f. stands for fishducky)

Sex:  Not for years!

Phone No:  4 (I'm on speed dial) or call 1 800 OLD LADY

Social Security No: 7  (Did you know dirt has the number 9?)

Age:  See Social Security answer above.

Name of person to be contacted in case of emergency:  Bud
          His or her phone no:  2 (Speed dial again)

Over the last 3 years, how many days have you been absent from work:  All of them.

Give the reasons for your absence:  I don't have a job.

Why did you leave your last job:  I refused to work for them after they fired me.

Level of education:  Some colleje colledge I are a high school graduate.

Why are you applying for this job:  Everyone else said no.

References:  I decided it would be better not to ask for them from those lying SOB's.

What are you hoping for in the way of
          Salary:  Yes, please!
          Hours:  No, thank you, but I'll stop in whenever I'm in this part of town.



Thank you for filling in this questionnaire.  
We'll get back to you when Hell freezes over as soon as possible.












Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply----fishducky









Friday, July 26, 2013

FORGET THE JABBERWOCK, MY SON--BEWARE THE SMARTASS




When my son-in-law first moved to the United States he spoke no English.  It was imperative that he learn some important words & phrases quickly.  These, of course, included “please” & “thank you” & “where’s the bathroom?”  He feels that the most important phrase he learned was, “It’s not my fault.  It’s Nameless’ fault!”
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You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.  These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages,'' a Florida newspaper.  (Who says Seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4” (used to be 5'6”), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.  Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
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LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
Recent widow who has just buried her fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.  Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
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SERENITY NOW
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.  If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
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WINNING SMILE
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
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BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.  If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
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MEMORIES
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.  If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
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MINT CONDITION
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.  Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
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Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The last question was, “Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.”  One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he started off with:

 1) It is the perfect formula for the child.
 2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
 3) It is always the right temperature.
 4) It is inexpensive.
 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
 6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

  7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get at it.

He got an A.
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Sometime around 1970, Bud & I were driving down Pacific Coast Highway.  We passed a very expensive, very exclusive restaurant &, on a whim, decided to have a late lunch there.  The maĆ®tre d’ greeted us & asked if we had a reservation.  We told him we didn’t & he said he’d see what he could do.  He turned & studied the nearly empty dining area for several moments.  He then turned back to us & asked, with a straight face, “Would you prefer a round table or a square one?”
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A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.  He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up.  Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."   The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.  The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it." 
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Do you ever get tired of telemarketers calling & yet you’re too polite to just hang up?  Me, too.  I think I got even some time ago when I was very busy & someone called me with an offer for pre-need funerals.  “I told him, “I’m so sorry—I wish you had called last week.  I died yesterday!”
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In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt.  Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."  Visibly shaken, she stared at the mystic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.  She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.  She simply had to know.  She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?
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A perfect example of "smartassism":









Think you're so important?  
You're just a small dot on this small dot.
This is a picture of earth, 
as seen from the spaceship Cassini,
from approximately 900,000,000 miles away.  
We are dwarfed by the rings of Saturn.














You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway----fishducky 

 


Wednesday, July 24, 2013

WHY PARENTS SHOULD NOT BE WAITERS

Are you as excited about Kate & Will's baby as I am?  (NOT!!)
I loved this tweet, though:

            

            Once upon a time in the faraway land of New York, Prince Marty had a dinner date with a prospective princess.  Prince Marty had taken many prospective princesses out before, but this was their first date.  One of his greatest pleasures was playing volleyball—indeed, he had done so that very afternoon.  During the game he had received a Royal Owwie—he sprained his right index finger.  Brave soul that he was, he did NOT consult the Royal Physician.  He went back to the palace, cleaned up & took his date to the finest restaurant in the kingdom.  He ordered a steak, manly man that he was.  He put his injured finger on the knife to cut his steak, but when he applied pressure a pain shot through his finger & he said, “Oww!”  The concerned waiter asked what was wrong & the Prince told him about his accident.  The waiter asked if he could cut the steak for him & the Prince gratefully agreed.  The waiter proceeded to cut the meat into bite sized pieces.  When he got to the last piece, he reverted to being a father.  HE ATE IT!  Prince Marty looked at him in awe & asked if he’d like to join them for dinner.  He apologized, but refused the invitation.  After all, he was working at the moment!  (There was no real reason to write this as a fairy tale—it DID happen—I just thought it would make it a little more interesting.)

            A friend of ours was going to law school at the same time as Bud.  He built up a route where he sold chicken & eggs directly to housewives, delivered to their door.  He would take orders by phone—OUR phone—weekly.  He often found himself overstocked with eggs, so as payment for the use of our telephone, he would give whatever extras he had to us.  (I can still hear his spiel in the back of my mind: “How was everything last week—as good as I promised?”) There’s a limit to the number of eggs two people can eat, so I made lemon meringue pies for ourselves & our friends.  I made quite a reputation for myself—many of those pies had a 12 egg meringue!!

            I wish I could claim this as my idea, but I have to admit that Rita Rudner, the comedienne, thought of it first.  She believes that all prospective bridegrooms should have their ears pierced before the wedding ceremony.  This single action would teach him two very important lessons in preparation for marriage.  The groom would learn how to endure pain--& to buy jewelry.  Works for me!!
Speaking of weddings, when my husband’s parents were about to celebrate their 50th anniversary, we had planned a big party in their honor.  We asked them, separately, if they wanted a rabbi there so they could renew their vows.  They each answered with a resounding “NO”!!
            Our son, Matt, wanted to learn to play the trumpet when he was a little boy.  At first, he could make nothing but very weird, discordant noises.  It sounded like a dying moose.  One day, while he was practicing, one beautifully clear note came out.  My immediate reaction (& comment) was, “THE MOOSE LIVES!”  Everyone here knew exactly what I meant.

Matt (pictured above) just sent me this new tattoo
he got of me & his dad.  He obviously loves us very much:











I MAY be inconsistent—but only SOME of the time----fishducky