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Friday, July 12, 2013

CAT(TY) COMMENTS




"A cat knows your every thought.  It doesn't care, but it knows!"

"Cats aren't clean.  They're just covered with cat spit."


"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." 

A joke:
THE CAT & THE HUSBAND


A man absolutely hated his wife's cat & decided to get rid of him by driving him 20 blocks from his home & leaving him at the park.  As he arrived back home, the cat was walking up the driveway.


The next day, he drove the cat 40 blocks away.  He put him out of the car & headed home.  When he got there, there was the cat.


He kept taking the cat further & further,  the cat would always beat him home. Finally he decided to drive several miles away, past the bridge, turn right, then left then right again & another right until he reached what he felt was a safe distance from home & left the cat there.

Hours later the man called home to his wife:  "Honey, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answered, "Why do you ask?"

The man said, "Put him on the phone--I'm lost & I need directions!"
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Which brings us to 
WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:

---A cat always comes in sober after being out all night.

---You can put a bell around a cat's neck so you know exactly where he is.

---Cats never pretend they know how to fix the video.

---Cats still think you're beautiful even when you're having a bad hair day.

---Cats love rubbing your legs even if you haven't shaved them in months.

---If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.

---You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.

---You have a better chance of training a cat.

---Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags.

---Cats treat your mom with respect.

---Cats don't worry about hair loss.

---Buying a cat a fancy dinner only costs 50 cents more.
   
    AND THE MOST IMPORTANT:

---You do not need anyone's permission to neuter a cat!
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For those of you who now have or have had teenagers, you probably know
WHAT TEENAGERS HAVE IN COMMON WITH CATS:

---Neither teenagers or cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

---No matter what you do for them, it is not enough.  All humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand & foot.

---Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat or your teen will ever crack a smile.

---No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

---Cats & teenagers can lie on the living room sofa for hours, barely breathing.

---Cats are said to have 9 lives.  Teenagers act as if they do.

---Cats & teenagers yawn in exactly the same way, communicating a sense of complete & utter boredom.

---Neither cats or teenagers improve anyone's furniture.

---Cats that are free to roam outside have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom.  Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Therefore, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians.  It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats on hand at all times. Remember, when you have put out their food, do not make any sudden moves in their direction.  When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection & comfort & it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned!
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When a group of owners get together to judge who has the most beautiful cat, why do they call it a cat show?  To me, a cat show is a audience full of cats enjoying other cats or actually performing on stage or TV (or a fence)--something like this:









I guess this one would qualify
as an adventure/tragedy:


For your viewing pleasure:

                                      




Meow!  (Did you know I was bilingual?)----fishducky




20 comments:

  1. Loved this. :) I had no idea cats could be trained like that!
    tm

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    Replies
    1. They were great!! I wonder if he can get them to swallow a pill?

      Delete
  2. What a coincidence--I just found this in my email:

    How to give a cat a pill.

    1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.

    3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    5. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

    7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

    8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

    9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the Emergency Room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

    10. Arrange for SPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love cats so much and after reading this I now fully understand why.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But you don't have one right now, do you? Just a bunch of dogs & one husband!!

      Delete
  4. Yes, dogs and husband are enough for me. The Blog Lists are not updating with my recent post, which is important, please check it out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your updated version showed up on my blog list, but NOT the first one--neither did Elisa's post today. I found them both on Bloglovin.

      Delete
  5. I don't own a cat because I refuse to live with a pet smarter than I am.

    ReplyDelete
  6. We had three cats, once upon a time. I thanked God when the last one died. She was the meanest, dumbest cat I've ever met.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And yet you kept her until she died? How sweet!!

      Delete
  7. What a great blog for a cat fanatic. Thanks.
    Now I have to forward it to the rest of the group.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're a constituent of a kitty clique of cat connoisseurs-- cute!! Tell them I said "Meow!"

      Delete
  8. I'm glad you found me, maybe I have to look into Bloglovin. I don't want to have to learn something new though. Hopefully this will work itself out. I'm glad you went to read Feral Woman's account. I think I did the right thing in mentioning it on my blog. It is absolutely riveting, I think.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I r3ead the WHOLE thing & I follow her now. She's an amazing write--& person!!

      Delete
  9. Lol, so true! My cat - Martini - hates everyone during the day. But when the sun sets, he's the sweetest being on earth! Cuddling and sleeping next to me. I wonder why that is. But I can never figure him out, since he's crazy and he bites my face when I ignore him. What a diva. But I love him dearly. Without him it would be boring here. He and the dog put on quite a show, chasing each other and playing :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe Martini would like a martini during the daytime!!

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    2. I think he secretly has one, because he usually acts strange, which is not common for a sober creature!

      Delete
  10. Cats--we admire their attitude, want their approval and covet their independence.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I always feel that way about my owner!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.