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Monday, July 29, 2013

HELP WANTED



An employment questionnaire is used by employers to evaluate their prospective employees’ ability just before they are assigned duties or taken through other interview exercises. The details given by the prospective employees are important in revealing their performance since the employment questionnaires are archived for future reference, and they can be invoked in case the employee fails to perform as stated in some questions. In most cases, employment questionnaires are kept in active status for a period of three months from the date they are received from job applicants. This emphasizes their importance to job applicants. Below is a sample employment questionnaire for the law firm of DEWEY, CHEATEM & HOWE with well thought out answers.

Date:  OK, I'm free this Saturday.

Name: fishducky f. fishducky (The f. stands for fishducky)

Sex:  Not for years!

Phone No:  4 (I'm on speed dial) or call 1 800 OLD LADY

Social Security No: 7  (Did you know dirt has the number 9?)

Age:  See Social Security answer above.

Name of person to be contacted in case of emergency:  Bud
          His or her phone no:  2 (Speed dial again)

Over the last 3 years, how many days have you been absent from work:  All of them.

Give the reasons for your absence:  I don't have a job.

Why did you leave your last job:  I refused to work for them after they fired me.

Level of education:  Some colleje colledge I are a high school graduate.

Why are you applying for this job:  Everyone else said no.

References:  I decided it would be better not to ask for them from those lying SOB's.

What are you hoping for in the way of
          Salary:  Yes, please!
          Hours:  No, thank you, but I'll stop in whenever I'm in this part of town.



Thank you for filling in this questionnaire.  
We'll get back to you when Hell freezes over as soon as possible.












Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply----fishducky









27 comments:

  1. Delightful post. Your honest job application answers shame me --a much former me but the stigma remains-- with the truth, which I thought but did not write on forms 45 years ago. I listened instead to a voice from the future that ordered, "Tell them anything they want to hear or we won't be retired now!" Ah well, worth it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The truth shall set you free--from a job!!

      Delete
  2. The man on the deserted island is a laugh. It reminded me of a similar joke that was my favorite for years, only I can't remember the caption. The typical age thing, no doubt.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, that joke WAS funny--I can't remember the punchline, though!!

      Delete
  3. Heh! I'm sorry to inform you that you've got the job, when can you start?

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    Replies
    1. I refuse to work for any firm that would have someone like me on their payroll!!

      Delete
  4. I like the "Three Stooges" reference.

    Tried to call, dialed 4 but all I got was a dial tone.

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  5. There was something about this post that made me so very happy to retired.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wonder what THAT could have been!!

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  6. Thanks for the chuckles. The guy on that island better be able to relocate.

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  7. I laughed so hard at your application. Joshua's post for today got me started laughing hysterically and I can't stop.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Joshua's post was on mondegreens--pretty funny!! Don't scare your dogs!!

      Delete
  8. LOL I love your answers to the questioneer. Alas, I cannot answer yet like that. I am not fully retired. My guts might become stronger in a couple of years when I won't be working.

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    Replies
    1. I highly recommend retirement--sure beats working!!

      Delete
  9. From Melynda: I've often wanted to fill those questionaires out like that.. lol I can tell you though that when I was hiring I had quiet a few interesting answers to the questions.
    Especially in the hobby portion.
    One kid put tagging buildings
    Another wrote preferably sex with a girl if not I have to do it by myself.. Not as much fun.
    And yet another said he enjoyed Clogging When I asked him how long he had been dancing his response was
    Oh No.. Not dancing. Clogging toilets. It's a hobby for me.
    What the hell are people thinking. lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Probably not the best answers if you REALLY want the job!!

      Delete
  10. Your biggest weakness? Too darned honest! Fun post, as always.

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    Replies
    1. I've never been accused of THAT before!!

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    2. I stole the tea bag video from your post. I AM giving you credit!!

      Delete
    3. Hey, no need to do that... after all, I didn't make the video! (It is a hoot, though, isn't it?)

      Delete
  11. That was excellent. I had a great laugh.

    S

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  12. You should apply here. You're obviously much better than any of the applicants we got.

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    Replies
    1. You're in New Zealand, Right? I don't think I could handle the commute!!

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.