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Friday, July 5, 2013

IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY, SENILITY SUCKS!







                           The senility prayer:

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, & the eyesight to tell the difference.

                                            "WALK WITH ME AS I AGE"
                                    (A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER)

Crap!!  Now I've forgotten the words!




As I've gotten older, I've discovered  that:

I was born with nothing, & I still have most of it left.
My wild oats have turned into prunes & All Bran.
I finally got my head together & now my body is falling apart.
I don't remember being absent minded.
I don't remember being absent minded.
It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.
I wish the buck stopped here--I could sure use a few.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
It's not hard to meet expenses--they're everywhere.
All reports are in; life is officially unfair.
All is not lost, but I still can't find it!

The senility virus  (I like to think of it as a virus) can also affect your ability to use the computer.  Some examples:

1--You send the same email twice (or more).
2--You send blank email.
3--You send email to the wrong person.
4--You send email back to the person who sent it to you.
17--You number paragraphs out of order.
5--You forget to attach the attachment.
6--You hit "send" before you've finished the
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My brain needs a nap.  How about some jokes:

Have you ever looked at others your own age & thought, "Surely, I can't look that old!"?

My name is Alice & I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with my new dentist.  I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.  Suddenly I remembered a tall, dark & handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 odd years ago.  Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?  Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.  This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.  After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Hill High School.  "Yes, yes, I did--I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.  "When did you graduate?" I asked.   "In 1975, why?"  I said, "You were in my class!"  He looked at me closely.  Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled face, fat assed, grey haired, decrepit son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The doctor tells his patient, Muriel, "Well, I have good news & bad news."  Muriel says, "Tell me, Doc, what's the bad news?"  The doctor tells her, "You have Alzheimer's disease."  "So what's the good news?" she asks.  He says, "You can go home & forget about it," he says.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~     


Three older men are undergoing a memory test at the nursing home.  The doctor asks, "What is 3 times 3?"  The first man says, "274."  The second man answers, "Tuesday."  The third man says, "9."  The doctor says, "Great--that's right!  How did you get that answer?"  "Simple," the man says, Just subtract 274 from Tuesday!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little old lady was running up & down the halls of her nursing home.  As she ran,  she'd flip up the hem of her nightgown & say, "Supersex!"   She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipped her gown at him & said, "Supersex!"  He thought for a minute & said, "I'll take the soup!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ninety-five year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.  She holds her clenched fist in the air & announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"   An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant!" She looks in her hand, thinks for a minute & says, "Close enough!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And some cartoons:












This is not me--but it COULD be.
I think I've posted it before, but I can't remember for sure:

If I had remembered, I'd have put this in my "Oops!"post on 6/12/13:

If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click  HERE to buy it on Amazon
or HERE on Goodreads.

If you buy my book,
you'll make an enchanted frog happy:





I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me--they were cramming for their finals.   As for me, I'm just hoping that God grades on the curve----fishducky 





19 comments:

  1. Quite a lot of funnies going on here! Love it!

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    1. My sole purpose in life is to amuse you!!

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  2. Dear Fishducky, lots here to laugh at but the two that really captured my laughter were the story of the three older men and the test and the 'Memory" spoof! Thanks for sharing. Peace.

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    1. See my comment to Stephanie--& you're welcome!!

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  3. That Johnny Carson axe clip with Ed Ames never fails to make me laugh!

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  4. Too painful to read this with a cracked rib or whatever painful thing I did to myself. Anyhow, I thought that using Incorrect for your password was genius! Hope all is well, dear fishducky!

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    1. All is well here--sorry about your rib!!

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  5. The three older men joke was so funny that I actually had to take my laptop in the other room and read it to my husband..I haven't laughed like that in while, you always make my day. Btw, can I buy your book on my Nook? I can't download from Amazon as they're enemies....
    :)

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    Replies
    1. Sorry, it isn't on Nook. It's exclusively on Kindle for two more months.

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  6. I had something clever to comment on your fine post but after seeing that circumcision video again---I forgot what it was.

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    Replies
    1. That video's enough to make anyone forget anything!!

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  7. p.s. I'm with the kid. I'm putting off growing up as long as possible.

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    Replies
    1. I've grown (considerably) older, but I REFUSE to grow up!!

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    2. I've tried to send you an email at the address on your post, but it says it's undeliverable at this time. Please email me your address at fishducky@budandfran.com.

      Delete
  8. HA! I can totally relate to all of them... wait, what were we talking about?

    Oh yeah, I'd give you specifics but then I'd have to scroll back and forth to remember what I wanted to comment on....

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    Replies
    1. Why don't you remember? I'm a lot older than you & I NEVER forget anything!! I'm...who's calling, please?

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  9. From Melynda: lolololololololololololol That is all I have to say

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.