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Wednesday, July 3, 2013

STUPID JOKES R US

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The pretty young lady was having a wisdom tooth pulled.  The dentist gave her the usual "this won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a hypodermic needle in his hand.

He immediately drew back in complete alarm.  "Miss, " he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!"

"Yes, I know," she said, "And we're not going to hurt each other, are we?"
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.  He doesn't seem to be breathing & his eyes are glazed over.  The other hunter whips out his cell phone & calls 911.

"I think my friend is dead!  What can I do?"

"Calm down.  I can help.  First, let's make sure he's dead," replies the operator.

A silence ensues.  Then, a loud gunshot is heard.

"OK," says the man to the operator, "Now what?"

(Stolen from Facing 50 With Humour)
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When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"What is your problem?" the doctor  asked.

"My wife says I have delusions of grandeur.  I think that's ridiculous!"  

The doctor said, "So perhaps, you should start at the beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient.  "In the beginning, I created the heavens & the earth..."
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A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

Trying to be funny, the dad says, "Honey, you DO have a sister!"

"I do?" says the confused little girl.

"Sure," says the dad.  "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she's always leaving out the back door."

The little girl gave this a few moment's thought & asked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
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The teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up & read his essay.  It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!," the teacher exclaimed, "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy.  "He stopped yelling for help yesterday!"
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A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position.  "Do you even have any experience in picking lemons?, he asked.

"I certainly do," she replied.  "I've been divorced three times!!"
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An angel appears at a faculty meeting & tells the dean that in return for his unselfish & exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, infinite wisdom or infinite beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done," says the angel & disappears in a cloud of smoke & a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn to the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.  One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs & says, "I should have taken the money!"
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A little girl & a little boy were at day care.  She taps him on the shoulder & says, "Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure!  What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy.  "I don't even know what that means!"

The little girl smirks & says, "Perfect--you can be the husband!"
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The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. 

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year...and you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." 

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere..."
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As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in Northern Arizona.  It was formed when a lump of nickel & iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter & weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction.  The hole measures nearly a mile across & is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow--was that lucky!  It just missed the highway!"
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A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.  The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.  As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.  "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.  The needle hit 90, 100....
Then the reality of the situation hit him.  "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.  The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.  "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."  The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop.   I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" 

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.  
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And my all time favorite joke:


A man is in Las Vegas & has lost every cent he has in the world, except for $20.00. He's debating whether to use it to buy a bus ticket home or for a gun to shoot himself. Suddenly he hears a little voice in his ear saying, "Go to the roulette table."  He tries to ignore it, but the little voice keeps repeating, "Go to the roulette table," over & over.

He goes to the roulette table.  The little voice says, "Put all your money on red 18." He does.  The croupier spins the wheel.  It comes up red 18.

He's about to pick up his winnings when he hears the little voice say, "Let it ride!"

He lets it ride & again it comes up red 18.

Again, "Let it ride!"

Again, red 18!

Over & over again!

If he wins the next bet, he will have broken the bank & the casino will be his.  The wheel spins, the ball bounces from number to number, into red 18 & then out again &  comes to rest in the next number, black 29.

The little voice says, "Oh, SHIT!!"
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And, of course, a few cartoons:






Do you remember the Carol Burnett Show?

Happy 4th of July tomorrow!!
This is what a 20 minute fireworks show looks 
like when a computer glitch lights them all at once!!  
(San Diego 2012)

If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click  HERE to buy it on Amazon
or HERE on Goodreads.
My book's sort of like this:



Laughing is good exercise.  It's like jogging on the inside----fishducky


20 comments:

  1. Hehe ... thanks for the laughs ... have a great day!

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    1. Always welcome, Graham--you have a great day, too!!

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  2. Oh good, I've seen my fireworks this year. I don't have to deal with the local crowds after all.

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    1. That was sort of the Reader's Digest version of fireworks!!

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  3. Don't know why, but my fav was "Infinite wisdom"

    Best cartoon...the Dinosaurs.

    Keep em coming!

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    Replies
    1. Must be because you're such a genius!!

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  4. Funny jokes, and that Carol Burnett clip is a treasure.

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  5. Replies
    1. I personally related to that cartoon!!

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  6. Remember when Saturday evening brought us The Mary Tyler Moore Show and The Bob Newhart Show and The Carol Burnett Show? What a lineup! And there was something to do at home on Saturday night: Watch TV.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. From the Newhart show: "Hi, I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl!" Oh, yes--I remember!!

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  7. Those were just the right sort of "stupid jokes" I needed today. My compliments and thanks. Following.

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    1. Welcome!! I commented on your comment in Pearl's blog today. (Geo. said...I have always thought we should start the day on half-gravity and not turn it up 'til noon or so.) Loved it!!

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  8. Carole Burnett was on that show Hot in Cleveland this past week. She was hysterical...not enough funny ladies like her in this world.If you haven't watched that show, the ensemble is awesome! Betty White at her best!

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    1. I missed that episode--I DO like that show!! I'll see if I can find it online.

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  9. Dear Fishducky, I miss Carol Burnett's comedy honor. Actually I miss humor that isn't blue or off color or bathroomy. I just miss Harvey being so amused by Tim! In the 70s we had a number of comedians and comedy hours: Laugh-In, Carol Burnett, Flip Wilson--and in the 50s we had Sid Caesar and Imogene Coco. Somehow all the realities shows of today don't hold a candle to those earlier comedy skits and one-hour shows. Am I being an old person bemoaning the past here??????? Peace.

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    1. I hate reality shows!! The only reason they make so many is that they are relatively cheap to produce.

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  10. Hahaha thanks for sharing these and making me smile! :)
    Hayley-Eszti

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.