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Friday, August 16, 2013

DATING RULES BY CULTURE or SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

--WARNING--
DO NOT READ THIS 
IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE!!





ANGLO/SAXON WOMEN:


First date: You get to kiss her goodnight
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants

to and only in the missionary position.



IRISH WOMEN:


   First date: You both get blind drunk & have wild sex.
Second date: You both get blind drunk & have wild sex.
Twentieth anniversary: Y
ou both get blind drunk & have wild sex.







INDIAN WOMEN:


First date: Meet her parents
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.








BLACK WOMEN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone else.







MEXICAN WOMEN:


First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.


JEWISH WOMEN:


First Date: You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.
Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier.









ARAB WOMEN:


First Date: Mother, father, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.
No third date!





The point?

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?
BET YOU GO BACK AND LOOK!!!!!


Please don't be offended by this joke.  I'm Jewish & I loved it:

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:  "Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried, officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews, please." 

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers."

"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Master’s degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design." 

"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Master’s Degree and PhD in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate."

"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."

"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda. 

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous)
  
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a gentle rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Afro-
American officers. 

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered. "There must be some mistake."  "I don't think so, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not sure if this fits in here, but it's funny:

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you, too?" And she said, "I don't think that was good for anybody."-- Gary Shandling


















I'm sorry that you were offended----fishducky

 
Please leave a (nice) comment




20 comments:

  1. These are hilarious! I love your site. And I wasn't the least bit offended because I know that a joke is just that, a joke and anything at all could be substituted for Jew or blonde etc.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're the kind of follower I want!! As Freud said, "Sometimes a cigar is just a smoke!!"

      Delete
  2. So much great humor here, but I'm still cackling over the penguin cartoon.

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  3. From Melynda: What the hell! Ok that was funny but bound to offend someone (although it is all true.)

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  4. At last I have found someone in the blogsphere with my sense of humor. I look forward to reading your archives.

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    Replies
    1. Nope, you didn't piss me off, but you did make me laugh. Heck, I'm a blonde, my father was a heavy-drinking Scot, and my married name is Polish. I'd be in serious trouble if I didn't know how to take a joke.

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    2. I was HOPING more people would laugh than be pissed off!!

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  5. I enjoy the jokes, especially the naval one, but what about more stories about you?

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    Replies
    1. My last post was about me, but I never know in advance what I'm going to write. I've been posting for over a year & I'm 78--I don't want to repeat my posts & nothing much happens any more!!

      Delete
  6. Thank goodness you didn't pick on us southerners.
    By the way, have you heard of reintarnation? That's when you die and come back as a hillbilly.

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    Replies
    1. I never knew about reintarnation--thanks for warning me!!

      Delete
  7. Dear Fran, the penguin cartoon tickled my funny bone and I really do think that Captain Goldberg had a true sense of the ridiculous! Peace.

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    Replies
    1. No one can accuse Captain Goldberg of having a Goyisha kopp (a non-Jewish brain)!!

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  8. I am from India and you are one hundred percent right.

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  9. See, not everybody is out to be offended. Not everybody takes everything so seriously that they can't snicker at a bit of humor. I'm just glad dating is not part of my life anymore. No matter who or where you are, it's still hell.

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    Replies
    1. I don't date anymore, either. It would probably piss off my husband, although after 58 years of marriage he might not even care any more!!

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.