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Friday, August 2, 2013

TAKE MY WIFE---PLEASE!


One of my all-time favorite comedians was Henny Youngman, "The King of the One Liners".  This post's title, "Take my wife---please!" was probably his best known & most often repeated joke.  These may or may not have been his, but they are perfect examples of his humor:

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well.  I was amazed.  I didn't know those things worked!

I went to the doctor's the other day & said, "Have you got anything for wind?"  So he gave me a kite.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.  We'll just see about that!

I called my phone company.  I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller."  He said, "Not you again!"

I slept like a log last night...woke up in the fireplace.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov, the world chess champion, & there was a checkered tablecloth.  It took him two hours to pass me the salt.  

I bet on a horse last week at ten to one.  It came in at a quarter past four.

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

This is him in action:

For some equally sophisticated (?) humor, how about some "A guy walks into a bar" jokes?  (funny2.com)

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables.  The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A priest, a rabbi & a minister walk into a bar.  The bartender says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

Four fonts walk into a bar.  The bartender says, "Get out!  We don't want your type in here!"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

A skeleton walks into a bar & says, "Gimme a beer, & a mop."

A guy walks into a bar & says, "I'll have a beer & I'd like to buy a drink for that douchebag at the end of the bar."  The bartender says, "OK, but you shouldn't talk about a woman like that."  The bartender asks the woman what she would like. She says, "I'll have a vinegar & water."

An amnesiac walks into a bar.  He asks, "Do I come here often?"

A goldfish walks into a bar & looks at the bartender.  The bartender asks, "What can I get you?"  The goldfish says, "Water!"

A dead battery walks into a bar & orders a drink.  "Are you positive you want one?" the bartender asks.  The dead battery says, "Yep--& charge it, too!"

A man walks into a bar holding an alligator.  He asks, "Do you serve lawyers here?"  The bartender says, "Yes, we do."  "Good," replies the man.  "I'll have a beer & bring a lawyer for my alligator."

A pregnant woman walks into a bar & is soon approached by a guy who asks, "Can I sit here with you?"  She says, "No.  I'm expecting someone."


As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Eskimo, an Argentinian, a Libyan and a Kenyan walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."


AND MY FAVORITE:

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head.  The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!"

And as long as we've sunk to this level:










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so hurry--giveaway ends tonight!!


A sad ending today----fishducky



        

22 comments:

  1. I loved Henny Youngman. I like the goldfish walking into the bar, one. Of course he wants water. Haha

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  2. Haven't thought about Henny is ages. He did know how to make me laugh.

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  3. BaDumBum...Crash!

    Love the quickies!

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    Replies
    1. Loved the drum roll--with cymbals!!

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  4. From Melynda: hahahahahahahahahaha so Fishducky material. :)

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  5. The bar ones are the best, but they're worthy to be stolen...:)

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  6. One of my favorite Henny Youngman quotes is, "I read that drinking is bad for my health, so I stopped reading." He was a real hoot.

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  7. I'm still laughing over the dogs in the stray bar.

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  8. haha. The first one made me remember this one:

    "Where are you going?" asked a guy to his mother-in-law when she was getting on her bicycle.
    "To the cemetery" she answered.
    "But, who's getting the bike back?"

    Thanks for making me laugh again :)

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.