Friday, August 2, 2013


One of my all-time favorite comedians was Henny Youngman, "The King of the One Liners".  This post's title, "Take my wife---please!" was probably his best known & most often repeated joke.  These may or may not have been his, but they are perfect examples of his humor:

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well.  I was amazed.  I didn't know those things worked!

I went to the doctor's the other day & said, "Have you got anything for wind?"  So he gave me a kite.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.  We'll just see about that!

I called my phone company.  I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller."  He said, "Not you again!"

I slept like a log last night...woke up in the fireplace.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov, the world chess champion, & there was a checkered tablecloth.  It took him two hours to pass me the salt.  

I bet on a horse last week at ten to one.  It came in at a quarter past four.

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

This is him in action:

For some equally sophisticated (?) humor, how about some "A guy walks into a bar" jokes?  (

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables.  The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A priest, a rabbi & a minister walk into a bar.  The bartender says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

Four fonts walk into a bar.  The bartender says, "Get out!  We don't want your type in here!"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

A skeleton walks into a bar & says, "Gimme a beer, & a mop."

A guy walks into a bar & says, "I'll have a beer & I'd like to buy a drink for that douchebag at the end of the bar."  The bartender says, "OK, but you shouldn't talk about a woman like that."  The bartender asks the woman what she would like. She says, "I'll have a vinegar & water."

An amnesiac walks into a bar.  He asks, "Do I come here often?"

A goldfish walks into a bar & looks at the bartender.  The bartender asks, "What can I get you?"  The goldfish says, "Water!"

A dead battery walks into a bar & orders a drink.  "Are you positive you want one?" the bartender asks.  The dead battery says, "Yep--& charge it, too!"

A man walks into a bar holding an alligator.  He asks, "Do you serve lawyers here?"  The bartender says, "Yes, we do."  "Good," replies the man.  "I'll have a beer & bring a lawyer for my alligator."

A pregnant woman walks into a bar & is soon approached by a guy who asks, "Can I sit here with you?"  She says, "No.  I'm expecting someone."

As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Eskimo, an Argentinian, a Libyan and a Kenyan walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."


A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head.  The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!"

And as long as we've sunk to this level:

Want to win a free audio copy of my book, 
"Fishducky's Fables"?
Click HERE for a chance!!
Sorry this notice is so late, but I just found out,
so hurry--giveaway ends tonight!!

A sad ending today----fishducky



  1. I loved Henny Youngman. I like the goldfish walking into the bar, one. Of course he wants water. Haha

  2. Haven't thought about Henny is ages. He did know how to make me laugh.

  3. BaDumBum...Crash!

    Love the quickies!

    1. Loved the drum roll--with cymbals!!

  4. From Melynda: hahahahahahahahahaha so Fishducky material. :)

  5. The bar ones are the best, but they're worthy to be stolen...:)

  6. One of my favorite Henny Youngman quotes is, "I read that drinking is bad for my health, so I stopped reading." He was a real hoot.

  7. I'm still laughing over the dogs in the stray bar.

  8. haha. The first one made me remember this one:

    "Where are you going?" asked a guy to his mother-in-law when she was getting on her bicycle.
    "To the cemetery" she answered.
    "But, who's getting the bike back?"

    Thanks for making me laugh again :)


Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.