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Monday, August 19, 2013

THE DREADED COLONOSCOPY


This was written some time ago, but it is still one of the funniest things  I have ever read. If you ever had a colonoscopy or are planning on one, you can't miss this!!

About the writer: 
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. 

COLONOSCOPY JOURNAL:


I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.


A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.


I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' 


I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.


The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'


This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.


MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.


The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.


At the clinic, I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. 

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?














Insurance covers everything except what happens----fishducky

 






26 comments:

  1. I had read that Dave Barry account before and think it is the funniest account EVER. Still great as a re-read. Thanks.

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    1. I ABSOLUTELY loved it--which is why I posted it!!

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  2. Holy Moly..... You're going to stick that up WHERE ????
    I've never had one.

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  3. I LOVE the semicolonoscopy clinic!
    I had a colonoscopy scheduled for this year, Because my mum died from bowel cancer, but it's been cancelled because the surgeon who does them is no longer working at that hospital. Luckily I have no symptoms, so I'm not worried about being back on the waiting list.

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    1. You should have it. The procedure isn't bad, but the MoviPrep is another story!!

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  4. Oh my gosh!!! That was hilariously brilliant!

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  5. I've loved Dave Barry for a long time. I won't have a colonoscopy because The Hurricane had one when she was in college (oncologist suspected cancer but was talking out of his ass). That poor child was barfing while she had diarrhea. If anyone ever manages to convince me to have this very important and necessary procedure, I'll remember to buy some vodka.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Sorry about what happened to The Hurricane!! I've had this procedure a couple of times with no problem, but the MoviPrep--another story!!

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  6. I had my second colonoscopy six months ago. I haven't read Dave Berry's experience before and it was hysterical. Thanks for sharing it. And I hope everyone will have a colonoscopy. I have friends who'd be dead by now but for this test.

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  7. Looking for bad news in colons and boobs is just miserable for all involved. At least we don't have to take atomic bowel prep for mammograms.

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    1. They DO seem to be nuclear powered!!

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  8. I think that's gotta be the funniest thing Dave Barry ever wrote. I've probably had half a dozen colonoscopies, and I still don't like 'em, but at least the preparation is a lot easier now than what it used to be.

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    1. Let's just say, the first time I had one, I had to give myself two enemas before going to the hospital. I'd never even had ONE of them things before, and I was expected to do TWO of 'em. While lying on the bathroom floor, with our two cockapoos on the other side of the door, whining to come in with me. (Fun times!) Not that there was much of anything left inside of me, after drinking a freaking gallon of the most foul-tasting stuff i'd ever put in my mouth. (The stuff you have to drink now is much tastier... and you don't have to drink as much of it, either.)

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  9. I'd read the Dave Barry column before. It was a scream.
    It's time for Jilda to have one and she's excited.

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  10. great post! following you now! I hope to see you in my blog sometimes. thanks!
    Kisses from VV!!
    www.voguelyvan.com

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  11. I'm at that age that a colonoscopy is something I really don't like thinking about, but your quips make it seem much more pleasant.

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  12. Not a colonoscopy for this Bear; doctor wants to start at the other end.

    Though I certainly understand about the large bulge being the doctor.

    Blessings and Bear hugs!
    desert.epiphanies@sasktel.net
    Bears Noting
    Life in the Urban Forest (poetry)

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    Replies
    1. Aren't you glad we only have 2 ends?

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.