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Wednesday, September 11, 2013

HEAVEN AND HELL



This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.  When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.  As they "ooohed and aaahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to.  They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.  The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"   Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."  

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.  "How much to eat?" asked the old man.   "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.  "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?"  the old man asked timidly.  "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.  This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!
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Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.  "I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.  So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.

The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.  The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you because of the pious, obedient way I lived. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."

God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa,"   He said, "... for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
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Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the University of Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on final exams like: "Why do airplanes fly?"  In May a few years ago, the "Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer" exam paper contained the question:

"Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

One student wrote the following:

First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.

[Answer 1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

[Answer 2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by Teresa Banyan during freshman year) that "it'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be correct; thus, Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.
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A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
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A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"  "No!" the children all answered.


"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?" Again the answer was "No!"


"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
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A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell! 

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Dammit, I’m on the wrong bus!"
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The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Two cute dogs.
An angel:


Click HERE  to see a devil.

A song for you:


To see a 15 minute film on remembering people, 
click HERE.
The last half of the video is on the 9/11 Memorial Museum.


And some cartoons:

















When something goes very wrong & there's going to be Hell to pay, will they send a bill? Also, do they accept credit cards?----fishducky





25 comments:

  1. Lots of laughter - and then I got to the welcome home video - and my eyes filled with sooky tears. Thank you - for the laughter and the love.

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    1. I assume you meant the dog video--NOT the cat one!!

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  2. Oh dear! Maestro with the banjos, that's a special level of hell right there.
    I was once told by a small child that he could be as naughty as he likes and still go to heaven, because God forgives.
    I'll watch the videos now.

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  3. I nearly made some corny puns about a hell of a good post, etc.
    I just cracked up about the man mailing the bills to the government! Great post. :D

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    1. I'll do the punning around here--thanks!!

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  4. I guess the Maestro should be glad they weren't bag pipes!

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  5. It doesn't pay to cook for two---priceless!

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  6. "Your room is right in here, Maestro."

    That one cracks me up because my husband is a music major. He hates HATES the sound of the steel drum. I picture that same scenario except replaced with a beach and a bunch of steel drums. That would be my husbands personal hell.

    Heh.

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    1. I would NOT wish that on him--welcome to my post!!

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  7. You spend eternity teaching junior high band while sniffing a thousand burrito farts. Yup, that'S HELL. Oh, wait, that's reality if you're a band teacher--it just seems like an eternity in hell.

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  8. I like the exam answer best. It reminds me of something The Hurricane would come up with. I love the video of the dog greeting his daddy. When The Hurricane came home on breaks from school her dog would quiver and whimper with joy. Scout ate SOMEONE'S wallet last month. It's not the reason he died (Scout, that is, not SOMEONE).

    Love,
    Janie

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  9. well, I'm glad I don't believe in either hell or heaven but if I did? I agree with the sense of humor admittane... 'haaaa and the damn cat! in or out! jeeeeez I go through that daily..

    love little kiddos singing...

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    1. admittane? ha .. admittance

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    2. The idea of heaven & hell is too scary for me!!

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  10. What a hoot. I saved some of your Heaven and Hell jokes to tell onstage when Jilda and I perform.
    Keep 'em coming :)

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    1. Feel free to use anything you want--that's what I do when I see something funny!!

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  11. Some of these made me chuckle... but the student's proof? BRILLIANT! My friend recently (yesterday) posted a picture of his watch on facebook registering 155 degrees outside. I asked him where he was, he said "on the roof of building XXX" (he's in construction) To which I replied, "Oh, I thought you had finally taken everyone's advice and gone to Hell."

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  12. Dear Fishducky, so many wonderful stories and fine videos, so many cartoons that cover the subject. I can just see you filing away your e-mails each day into categories for your blog postings. You are a wonder. And could be, I'm sure, a stand-up comic. Peace.

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    1. My family thinks I'm a wonder, too--at least, they're always looking at me & saying, "I wonder...?"

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