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Friday, September 27, 2013

STEVEN WRIGHT--MY HERO

This man has the same sense of humor as I do.  The only difference is, he makes a living from his!

Today's my 79th birthday, so I'm taking the day off & letting him write my post!! 

                         
Steven Wright

A sample of his stuff:


Shouldn't women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

So what's the speed of dark?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Granted, it takes longer.

(If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.)

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman".

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I bought a dog a while ago. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing a report. He's an East German Shepherd. Very disciplined.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.  

When I was a baby, I kept a journal.  It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."

When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, "Five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six."

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.







All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand----fishducky


 




12 comments:

  1. Happy, happy Birthday - and thank you for sharing Steven Wright and your sense of humour.

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  2. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Pardon my shouting, please.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. Thanks!! Shouting is OK--I may be only 36, but my ears are 79 years old!!

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  3. From Melynda: This guy may be your long lost brother!!!! Look him up. haha..
    happy Birthday to you.. Happy birthday to YOU! hAPPY bIRTHDAY DEAR FISHDUCKY!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOOOUUUUU!
    (Yes I sang it like that too. )
    Love you!
    Hope it's the best birthday ever!

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  4. My favorite Steven Wright joke:

    I used to work at a factory that made fire hydrants. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

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    Replies
    1. I had a hard time limiting the number of his jokes!!

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  5. Happy Birthday, he is a funny bloke.
    Merle...... ...... .........

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  6. Happy Birthday. How nice of you to give us a present. I really like him but haven't seen him in a while. Love his delivery. Really unusual.

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  7. You're very welcome--I think of him as "Mr. Excitement"!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.