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Monday, October 14, 2013

WOMEN ARE SO EASY TO UNDERSTAND


I had this scheduled to post on Wednesday, October 11.  Somehow (thank you, Blogger) only random people got it.  I'm trying again for today.



Women are easy to understand--if you speak their language.  Here is a glossary of terms for all you clueless guys out there:


FINE 
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "Fine" to describe how a woman looks; this will cause you to have one of those arguments. 

FIVE MINUTES 
This is how long it will take before she is ready to leave; approximately half an hour.  It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. 

NOTHING 
This means "Something!" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine". 

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) 

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". 

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) 

This means "I give up!" or "Do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. 

LOUD SIGH 

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". 

SOFT SIGH 

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. 

THAT'S OKAY 

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Go Ahead (Raised Eyebrows)". 

GO AHEAD (With Loud Sigh) 
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. 

PLEASE DO 

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay" 

THANKS 
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. 

THANKS A LOT 

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
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In an effort to keep both sexes informed, here are the definitions of Guts and Balls:

GUTS--Coming home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and asking: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS--Coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying: "You're next, Chubby."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
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What all women understand about men:

Men are like..... Placemats. 
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like..... Mascara. 
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like..... Bike helmets. 
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like..... Government bonds. 
They take so long to mature.
Men are like..... Copiers. 
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like..... Lava lamps. 
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like..... Bank accounts. 
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like..... High heels. 
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like..... Curling irons. 
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."













But it can all work out:










Men--the next time you're having a discussion/argument with your wife, remember the 50/50/90 rule.  Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong----fishducky







33 comments:

  1. I do love Opal. An assertive woman with charm.
    And, I am one of the people who missed this last week - thank you.

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    1. For reposting I mean. I just realised that it could have sounded as if I was thankful to miss it the first time. No way, no how.

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    2. I would NEVER have thought that!!

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  2. Some comments that were made last Friday by some people Blogger offered this post to:

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  3. From River: The final cartoon is rather sweet, as for the Pickles one, I'm not much of a talker, so maybe I don't have that speech protein....my first husband didn't seem to mind, the second was constantly asking me to talk to him. so that he could discuss HIS feelings of course, he's such a girl.

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    1. Protein (even the speech protein) is a very important part of the diet!!

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  4. From Inger: My husband is the talker in our house and I have never said any of the things listed above, but I still think putting it all together the way you did was very funny. And I am getting very fond of old Pickles. Is he the one with the mustache?

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    1. It's just a stereotype--I love you & your husband just the way you are!! As for Pickles--I don't know. Do you think he looks like Bud?

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  5. From Juliet Bond: Hi Fishducky!
    I think all of these generalizations can be made for any gender/individual. By that I mean, depending on the person, rather than the gender, anyone can be "the quiet one" in the relationship. I am much less likely to want to talk, connect and cuddle than my husband and many of my friends have a similar dynamic. I wonder if stereotyping these personality types according to gender have any negative consequences, for women, yes, but also for men. I worry about my boys and their feeling that they don't have the permission they need to be chatty or emotional because men "aren't like that." What do you think?

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    1. In general, I HATE stereotypes!! Tell your boys they have my permission to be anything they want!!

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  6. From Melynda: I hope you sent this to all the guys you know??? I know I'm gonna. :)

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  7. Any more comments, if there are any, will be from people who just got this post.

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  8. "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you!" ---Boy, I've heard this one before.

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  9. How many times had I assumed he should just know why I am ignoring him. Hum.
    Love Pickles.

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  10. Thank you--I AM a female fishducky so "Women" is my native tongue!!

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  11. I can get ready to go out faster than Willy Dunne Wooters. I shower, put on body butter, put on make-up, get dressed, and put on my shoes and jewelry in less time than it take him to take a shower. I RULE!

    Love,
    Janie

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  12. My quick showers are 5 minutes--Bud's are about 20!!

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  13. No wonder there’s a war on.

    Once you’ve passed 60 you can move on and just admit that you’ll never understand what men/women are all about. It makes life easier.

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    Replies
    1. I just turned 79--I moved on some time ago!!

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  14. You're so funny. I don't know where you get all this stuff.
    R

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    Replies
    1. Don't tell the police, but I steal a lot of it!!

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  15. Dear Fishducky, I found all this interesting and amusing although none of it has been part of my life, having always been single and unattached. The comic strip that brought forth a real chuckle from me was the last one--the Pickle's strip in which the wife assures her husband that he is happy. Ah such trust! Peace.

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  16. ll good ones! The reason so many of them are so funny is because they're so close to being true.

    Take care.

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  17. hahaha all very true, I just shared some of these with my boyfriend and his reply was 'yes yes yes' to all.

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  18. HAHaaaaaa ... LOVE PIckles... and Zits and well, we seem to have the same taste in comics... ;)

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    1. Those two & Pearls Before Swine are my favorites!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.