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Friday, November 29, 2013

IT'S TIME TO MEND YOUR POLITICALLY INCORRECT WAYS!!


Not particularly amusing, but this happened.  Several years ago, Bud & I were at a friend's apartment, enjoying dinner & conversation with him, his wife & their bobcat.  Yes, I said bobcat!!  I don't remember what we were discussing, but I was shocked when our friend used the "N" word.  I said that I didn't appreciate that kind of language.  He told me that it was his home & that he could use any kind of language he wanted inside those walls.  I thought about it & decided he was right, but I didn't have to listen.  I stepped out onto the front porch & asked him to tell me when he was through.
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NOW ONTO THE FUNNY!!

Melynda emailed me these new rules for political correctness.  I think they're great!!

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY  CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She  is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN  AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG'  you  - She becomes
'VERBALLY  REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT  HOOKER' - She is a
'LOW COST  PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY  CORRECT:

1. He does not have a  'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' -  He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like  a 'TOTAL ASS' -  He develops a case of
'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out  of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How much should you spend on beer?

CRITICAL THINKING AT ITS BEST.

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, which includes a tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately$5,400 …correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How to handle the police:

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.” 
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Personal hygiene:

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would make everyone happier if the sailors would change  their underwear occasionally. The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"  He went straight to the sailor’s berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones.  McCarthy, you change with JenkinsBrown, you change with Schultz..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top ten reasons why the bible would be different if it were written by today's college students:

10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning, cold.

9. The Ten Commandments would be actually only five, double-spaced, and written in large font.

8. Promiscuous females would be dated, not stoned.

7. Forbidden fruit would still have been eaten; anything is better than college food.

6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.

5. Reason Cain killed Abel: they were rooming together and the dishes weren't getting done.

4. The time and place where the end of the world occurs would be lecture halls in October.

3. Mary would have made a complaint to the sexual harassment committee concerning God’s unwanted advances.

2. The reason why Moses and his followers wandered through the desert for forty years; they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.



You might be interested in this article.  (LINK)



































I'm glad you enjoyed the post,
but this really wasn't necessary:


Do you think it's politically correct to make Denzel Washington play an African-American in every film?----fishducky


PS. I ran a special Thanksgiving post yesterday.  In case you missed it, (& you care) scroll down to "older post".


 

Please leave a comment






Thursday, November 28, 2013

A SPECIAL POST FROM THE TURKEY'S POINT OF VIEW

A PHOTO ALBUM

The kids relaxing in a hot tub:

How can you cook me when I'm so cute?

Am I not the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?

You take a bite, then I'll take a bite!!

A couple of hours after dinner:
All photos ahajokes.com



And one cartoon:


Happy Thanksgiving!!----fishducky

 





Wednesday, November 27, 2013

HOW THE ZEBRA GOT ITS STRIPES





Before I begin, I have a favor to ask.  Janie Junebug is trying to get 80 people to send cards to her ex-mother-in-law for her 80th birthday.  I've already sent mine.  I would consider it a personal favor if you would send one, too!!  Here's the link.   [JANIE]

(This story is from Fishducky's Fables.)

Did you know that a long time ago zebras had no stripes?  They looked like short chubby horses.  After extensive research, I have discovered how they got them.  Gather around me, little ones, and I will tell you what I’ve learned. 

Most zebras were completely satisfied being short and completely white, although they did have to go to the dry cleaners fairly often.  (They were notoriously messy eaters and the food they got on their white coats always showed.)  There was one zebra, however, who was not happy with the way he looked.  His name was Ziggy and he was one phat dude.  He wanted to stand out in a crowd.

He tried braying loudly,  but the other zebras said that made him sound like an ass.  He had his ears (and other parts) pierced, but he had trouble getting the rings and other jewelry in and out, because he didn’t have opposable hooves.  He commissioned some famous artists to paint his portrait—as they saw him—to get an idea of how he could change.  He sent them each a snapshot.  That didn’t work out too well.  Jackson Pollock saw him as a bunch of spots and paint dribbles.  Andy Warhol sent him back four pictures which were all the same, except for the colors, and one painting of a can of Campbell’s Cream of Zebra Soup—which frightened him!  Salvador Dali’s contribution looked like a bunch of zebra pieces which were stacked on each other every which way.

His friends came up with a plan.   They contacted “What Not to Wear” and told them Ziggy needed a makeover.  Since they had never worked with a zebra before, they were excited and came to Africa to secretly film him.  When they asked, he agreed to go to New York and bring all his clothes with him.  (That part was easy, because he didn’t have any!)  They decided he looked best in vertical black and white stripes because they made him look thinner, and he agreed.  Something had to be done with his mane, which had never before been professionally styled.  The hairdresser said it was much too long for his face and hid his beautiful eyelashes and gave him a crewcut.   He told Ziggy that all he had to do was to put some butch wax on it to keep it stiff.

Ziggy was absolutely thrilled with his new look!   He wowed the people who were at his welcoming back party.  In fact, so many zebras loved the way he looked that they started to copy him, but he didn’t mind, because he was first!  The “Ziggy Look” became so popular that, after a while, all baby zebras were born that way. 


From Carolyn at 








My kids learned this song in elementary school:

    

Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow!!

Are you all getting ready for Thanksgiving? 
PETA says today's turkeys are so fat, they can't stand up, 
they're prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. 
No, I'm sorry, that's what the turkeys are saying about us. 
I had it backward. 







If you have to hug a porcupine, do it quickly--they're very stickly----fishducky

 




Monday, November 25, 2013

WHAT SHARK?






My daughter, Nameless, & I had this thing going for several years.  We had a rubber shark, similar to the one in this picture.  It was about 6" long.  I can't remember who started it--probably me--but we used to hide it in each other's house.  One day, she would find it on the handle of her toilet & a month or so later it would be in a leftover dish in my refrigerator.  It would magically appear in someone's toothbrush holder, underwear drawer, the slot in a VCR where you insert the videotape or ANYWHERE!  The really funny part of this was, with no agreement or discussion of any kind, we NEVER mentioned that the shark even existed.  In fact, her husband found it once while I was at their house & asked where the shark came from. Both Nameless & I looked at him & asked, "What shark?"  I haven't seen that bugger for over 10 years.  I wonder if it's lurking somewhere in my house, waiting for me to find it!  I'd ask Nameless about it, but she'd probably say, "What shark?"

I just saw this tea infuser on Pinterest:


That's all I have on sharks, so on to something else.

I am continually amazed by the brilliance of some people.  Below are some answers given by the contestants on "Family Fortunes", which I assume is the British version of "Family Feud":

-- Something a blind man might use? A Sword 
-- A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon 
-- Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell 
-- Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde. 
-- Something that floats in a bath? Water 
-- An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse 
-- Something you wear on a beach? A deckchair 
-- A famous Royal? Mail 
-- Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with wings 
-- A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters 
-- Something a cat does ? Goes to the toilet 
-- Something you do in the bathroom? Decorate 
-- A method of securing your home? Put the kettle on 
-- Something associated with pigs? The Police 
-- A sign of the Zodiac? April 
-- Something people might be allergic to? Skiing 
-- Something you do before you go to bed? Sleep 
-- Something slippery? A con man 
-- Something sold by gypsies? Bananas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Some other brilliant comments:

Q: "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
A: "Yes, I am.  I married the wrong woman."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: "Am I the first man you have ever loved?"
A: "Of course.  Why do men always ask me the same question?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: "How old is your wife?"
A: "She's approaching thirty."
Q: "From which direction?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A diner asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says, "There's nothin' special.  We just flat out tell 'em they're gonna die..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whiskey. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "Have another drink."  The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "After the police have gone."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “When I bought this watch last month, you said it would last me a lifetime!” “Yeah,” admitted the owner, “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'la mosca'... es feminina."  The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, "Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He’s pissed, says what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him.  He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him.  Looking up his records, God sees that the guy plays golf and says, “Are you any good?”  The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t I?” 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night, while on foot patrol, a police officer approached a local bar. Through the door stumbled a drunk who promptly fell on his backside. He lay on the ground with his eyes closed. Upon opening his eyes, he sees the officer looking down at him.
He says,"Osifer, did you see me fall!"
The officer says,"Yeah, I did."
The drunk asks, “Do you know who I am?"
"Nope," comes the reply.
"Well,” says the drunk, “Then how do you know it was me that fell?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And for our friends in the medical profession:

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly." 
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?" 
"Yes," the boy's mother answered. 
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked. 
"Who cares?" she said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Patient: "Doctor, I'm suffering from déjà vu."  
Doctor: "Didn't I see you yesterday?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Patient: "How long have I got, Doc?" 
Doctor: "Ten." 
Patient: "Ten what?  Years?  Months?  Weeks?" 
Doctor: "Nine... Eight...  Seven... Six... "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Patient: "Doctor, I'm seeing double!" 
Doctor: "Sit on the chair, please."
Patient: "Which one?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~













I thought I'd end by quoting Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I?  He never quotes anything of mine----fishducky

 

















Friday, November 22, 2013

PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I BABBLE...


Several years ago, my friend "P" got a divorce from her alcoholic husband.  She felt a change of scene would do her & her only child (a teen aged girl) a world of good--but where to go?
  
She thought about living in Italy for a year or so--the Amalfi Coast, to be specific, even though they didn't speak a word of Italian.  She asked some of her friends if they thought she was crazy & we all thought it was a great idea, so off they went, with no idea of where they were going to stay.  

P & her daughter are standing in the middle of the town, wondering where to look for an apartment, when a beautiful feather floats to the ground in front of an apartment building a few steps away.  She thinks it might be an omen, so she knocks on the front door.  The owner answered & she spoke English.  She said someone had just moved out & she hadn't even had time to put up a vacancy sign.  P took a look at the apartment & decided it was perfect!  They stayed there for a year or so & also used it as a home base for touring Europe.  She & her daughter had the time & space to bond & the year was wonderful!!  (I guess feathers don't lie.)

The first time I saw the Almafi Coast 
was in this movie,which was a charmer!!
If you haven't seen it, PLEASE DO:

This is where it is & what it looks like.
What's not to love?




Segue:  Something this post isn't going to do.

When my husband was in high school in the late 40's, his homeroom teacher wore a hearing aid.  It wasn't the tiny "all in your ear" ones they have now.  Instead, the earpiece was connected to a wire which ran to the battery pack which was the size of a transistor radio & kept in his shirt pocket.  Got that?  Good.  A student was reading the daily bulletin.   He started in a normal tone of voice, then spoke more quietly until he was (deliberately) only mouthing the words while the teacher was frantically fiddling with his battery pack.  When he figured out what was happening, the teacher yelled, "There's a SKUNK in this class!"  Bud says he pronounced it "SKONK".

How could anyone think THIS was a good idea?

Think your kid is too big to sit on your lap?

How about a lovely little song?


And some random cartoons:












What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? An ambulance, due to the fact that he has a rather serious head wound----fishducky


 
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