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Monday, November 25, 2013

WHAT SHARK?






My daughter, Nameless, & I had this thing going for several years.  We had a rubber shark, similar to the one in this picture.  It was about 6" long.  I can't remember who started it--probably me--but we used to hide it in each other's house.  One day, she would find it on the handle of her toilet & a month or so later it would be in a leftover dish in my refrigerator.  It would magically appear in someone's toothbrush holder, underwear drawer, the slot in a VCR where you insert the videotape or ANYWHERE!  The really funny part of this was, with no agreement or discussion of any kind, we NEVER mentioned that the shark even existed.  In fact, her husband found it once while I was at their house & asked where the shark came from. Both Nameless & I looked at him & asked, "What shark?"  I haven't seen that bugger for over 10 years.  I wonder if it's lurking somewhere in my house, waiting for me to find it!  I'd ask Nameless about it, but she'd probably say, "What shark?"

I just saw this tea infuser on Pinterest:


That's all I have on sharks, so on to something else.

I am continually amazed by the brilliance of some people.  Below are some answers given by the contestants on "Family Fortunes", which I assume is the British version of "Family Feud":

-- Something a blind man might use? A Sword 
-- A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon 
-- Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell 
-- Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde. 
-- Something that floats in a bath? Water 
-- An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse 
-- Something you wear on a beach? A deckchair 
-- A famous Royal? Mail 
-- Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with wings 
-- A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters 
-- Something a cat does ? Goes to the toilet 
-- Something you do in the bathroom? Decorate 
-- A method of securing your home? Put the kettle on 
-- Something associated with pigs? The Police 
-- A sign of the Zodiac? April 
-- Something people might be allergic to? Skiing 
-- Something you do before you go to bed? Sleep 
-- Something slippery? A con man 
-- Something sold by gypsies? Bananas
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Some other brilliant comments:

Q: "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
A: "Yes, I am.  I married the wrong woman."

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Q: "Am I the first man you have ever loved?"
A: "Of course.  Why do men always ask me the same question?"

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Q: "How old is your wife?"
A: "She's approaching thirty."
Q: "From which direction?"
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A diner asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says, "There's nothin' special.  We just flat out tell 'em they're gonna die..."
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A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whiskey. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "Have another drink."  The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "After the police have gone."
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The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “When I bought this watch last month, you said it would last me a lifetime!” “Yeah,” admitted the owner, “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it!”
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An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'la mosca'... es feminina."  The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, "Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight."
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A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He’s pissed, says what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him.  He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him.  Looking up his records, God sees that the guy plays golf and says, “Are you any good?”  The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t I?” 
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One night, while on foot patrol, a police officer approached a local bar. Through the door stumbled a drunk who promptly fell on his backside. He lay on the ground with his eyes closed. Upon opening his eyes, he sees the officer looking down at him.
He says,"Osifer, did you see me fall!"
The officer says,"Yeah, I did."
The drunk asks, “Do you know who I am?"
"Nope," comes the reply.
"Well,” says the drunk, “Then how do you know it was me that fell?"

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And for our friends in the medical profession:

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly." 
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?" 
"Yes," the boy's mother answered. 
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked. 
"Who cares?" she said.

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Patient: "Doctor, I'm suffering from déjà vu."  
Doctor: "Didn't I see you yesterday?"
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Patient: "How long have I got, Doc?" 
Doctor: "Ten." 
Patient: "Ten what?  Years?  Months?  Weeks?" 
Doctor: "Nine... Eight...  Seven... Six... "
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Patient: "Doctor, I'm seeing double!" 
Doctor: "Sit on the chair, please."
Patient: "Which one?"
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I thought I'd end by quoting Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I?  He never quotes anything of mine----fishducky

 

















37 comments:

  1. Oh, you do need to get looking for that shark! I am sure your daughter is starting to wonder, after 10 years, if you still want to play the game.... :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have absolutely NO idea of where it is, & I obviously can't ask!!

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  2. Thank you, I do love to laugh! The waiter preparing the chickens!
    and something you do before you go to bed: sleep. I actually do that! I fall asleep on the couch, wake up a while later and decide I might as well go to bed. Once I get there, do you think I can fall asleep again? Nope, toss and turn, toss and turn, should have stayed on the couch.
    I love the traveling shark story.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My son-in-law always falls asleep on the couch, too. He has designed (in his mind) the perfect house. In it there is a COUCH ROOM, with several couches, so he can wander from one to another!!

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  3. How do you find so many jokes and cartoons I have never seen before? I am borrowing that golfing one for my brother-in-law' enjoyment. Thanks. I'll return it right after he sees it::)
    I'll bet the shark in at you house, waiting to be found.

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    Replies
    1. Be sure to give it back when he's through with it!!

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  4. I played the same game with my mom, with an old rubber "Snoopy Dog." I have no idea how it started, and we never mentioned it either.

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    Replies
    1. It's comforting to know there are equally maladjusted (mallardjusted? After all, I AM fishDUCKY) people out there!!

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  5. We have nothing that goes back and forth. But I do leave random stuff at my Mom's and sisters... notes on the bathroom mirror, extra stuff to do on their "to do" list, funky magnets on the fridge. :)

    That undies story is HYSTERICAL!

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    Replies
    1. I'm reminded of my daughter's old boyfriend, who used to put odd things on my marketing list!!

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  6. haha your daughter, Nameless… that shark business is hilarious! what fun… that list can not be real… seriously. ? holy moly

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    1. I have no memory of how or why the shark thing got started. As far as I know, those answers were REALLY given!!

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  7. Bonnie and Clyde are brothers made me laugh so hard. I love the shark sharing. Robert Redford told a story on Inside the Actors Studio about how he and Paul Newman sent a wrecked car back and forth to each other, until finally one of them had it smashed into a cube. Will you please help me spread the word about cards for my mother-in-law? I'm not getting as many volunteers as I thought I would. I need some fishducky magic.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A wrecked car is MUCH heavier & more expensive to move than a 6" rubber shark!!

      I'll put it in my next post!!

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    2. I think Redford and Newman had enough $ to move whatever they wanted. I have a variety of little magnets with words on them on my refrigerator. Visitors are welcome to move the magnets and create little sentences, which can be very interesting.

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    3. Are most fo their comments rated PG or X?

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  8. My wife and I played that shark trick on each other with an old box of Life cereal. That box showed up in odd places for years until I took it to a florist and had several dozen roses put in it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See my comment to Joe--it apparently applies to you, too!!

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  9. Loved your shark story. I hope you find it again.

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    Replies
    1. I fear the worst--he must be swimming in some landfill by now!!

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  10. You have brightened my morning. So many gems today. And I too am wondering where the shark has gone... Have you had sushi at home this decade?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's not it--but my daughter DOES cook a lot of fish!!

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  11. I do like the shark joke but does it not promote a lot of cleaning up while looking for it.
    I would go crazy till I found it.
    Merle.........

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There are many things I admit to being, but a compulsive cleaner is NOT one of them!! It always showed up in about a month.

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  12. That shark game sounds fun, he will appear one day I'm sure! The family fortunes list made me laugh, some people are so odd! Don't think I'd like to attempt eating my underwear ...

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    Replies
    1. There is no limit to the stupidity of some people--& the underwear eater didn't get very far!!

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  13. Enjoyed reading your post. It is funny, informative too...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome to my blog!! It's usually funny (I hope!) & occasionally informative.

      Delete
  14. Very funny. I save a couple of the one liners touse in our show, thanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome to use anything you see here--they're probably pre-stolen, anyway!!

      Delete
  15. From Melynda: So I was giggling all the way through this as usual, when I got to the guy eating his undies part.. I have to say having washed quiet a few pairs of mens underwear, I can't think of any occasion where I would find removing said drawers from a man's body and shoving them down my throat, an option. Sick haha

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    Replies
    1. I'm not normally a finicky eater, but I'd have to draw the line there, too!!

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  16. You sure know how to pack a ton of fun into one post. Lots of stuff here to make me laugh, but I especially liked the one about the "incredible eyesight" and the one about how to prepare a chicken. Why, yes, yes I do. I do have a sick sense of humor.

    That guy musta been some kinda drunk to even consider shoving his drawers in his mouth...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm a good packer. And the underwear--not appetizing in the least!!

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  17. Time to buy a new shark--or get a bigger boat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't believe it never occurred to me to replace the shark!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.