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Monday, January 21, 2013

HARK! I HEAR A BABBLING FISHDUCKY!!





Not that my usual conversations make much more sense, but I was talking to myself a couple of days ago & I couldn't hear what I was saying because I was mumbling.  I asked myself (not too politely, I guess) to speak up & I was told, "You don't have to yell at me!" & now we're not speaking. I guess that was normal.  For me.   Never mind.  (Note: Speaking to oneself is common & not in any way a cause for concern.  It’s when you ask yourself a question & then say, “What?” that you should start worrying.)
There may not be a ladies’ Viagra, but did you know that there are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women?  It’s true.  Chief among these devices is the Mercedes Benz 380sl convertible.

Women, do you hate to try on new clothes in a store’s dressing room? Maybe you should shop here:

                           


I like businesses that have a sense of humor.  I have actually seen these trucks with their slogans:
CULVER CITY MEAT & PROVISION—“You Can’t Beat Our Meat"
ARROGANT BASTARD ALE—“You’re Not Worthy”

These (from outwestnewspaper.com) are professed to be real.  I have no reason to doubt them:
ART”S ELECTRIC--“Let Us Remove Your Shorts”
    HOGAN’S WINDOW CLEANING—“Your Pane is Our Pleasure”
         SLIM”S SANITATION—“We’re #1 in the #2 Business”
    ACME RADIATOR—“The Best Place in Town to Take a Leak”
         AMAZING ELECTRICS—“If it Works, it’s Amazing”
     FLORENCE GLASS SERVICE—Give Us a Break”
         GLENN”S PASTRIES—“Get Your Buns in Here”
         (& my personal favorite)
    WILLET'S WINCHING—“Can’t Get it Up?”


These are not current business slogans or signs (as far as I know) but I think they should be:

VET”S WAITING ROOM—“Back in 5 Minutes.  Sit!  Stay!”
         MATERNITY HOSPITAL DOOR—“Push, Push, Push!”

BRAKE SHOP—“Free Brake Check.  Stop Here if You Can”

         ELECTROLUX VACUUMS—“Nothing Sucks Like an Electrolux”

FUNERAL HOME—“Drive Carefully.  We’ll Wait”




 We have a friend who used to own a supermarket whose slogan was, "Lowest in price, highest in quality".  He once showed us a flyer he had printed every week.  That particular week, the printer must have hired a new proofreader.  I assume he hired another the following week because in the flyer he showed us the slogan read, “Lowest in price, lowest in quality”!!
           

Here’s an inspirational story sent to me by JANIE JUNEBUG at WOMEN: WE SHALL OVERCOME (dumpedfirstwife.blogspot.com):

THE PASTOR’S ASS

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in 
another race, and it won again.
The local paper read:

   PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. 
The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.  The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.  The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted!  He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.  The next day the papers read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey & lead it to the plains where it could run wild.  The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS NOW WILD & FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is: Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief & misery.  It can even shorten your life.  So be yourself & enjoy life to the fullest.  Stop worrying about everyone else's ass & you'll be a lot happier & live longer!



No brains were used harmed in the writing of this post----fishducky