A grandfather had that "all's right with the world" feeling. He was sitting quietly in his easy chair with his 3 year old granddaughter in his lap. She was gently caressing his neck. His mood changed, however, when she grabbed the folds of skin on his neck & began to shake them back & forth, saying "Gobble, gobble, gobble." It's a good thing he didn't have a "snood" along with his "wattle". He felt like this:
Teacher: George, go to the map & find North America.
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
My dad told me that when he was a little boy he had a couple of white mice as pets. He also had a mother who was a compulsive cleaner. One day when he came home from school he found the mice on the clothesline, hanging by their tails, clipped on with clothespins. My grandmother had bathed them & I guess it seemed logical to her to hang them out to dry. My dad said it didn't seem to bother them at all.
A man drove a pickup truck to a lumberyard. He walked into the office & said, "I need some two by fours." The clerk said, "No problem. How long do you need them?" The man answered, "A long time. We're gonna build a house!"
Some questions I'd like you to answer for me:
1--Why do people make such a big deal about sex? After all, the whole thing only takes a couple of minutes--maybe a little longer if you have a partner!
2--Why do people who believe they have been reincarnated always claim they used to be Cleopatra or the king of France? Nobody was ever a con man or Jack the Ripper!
I was in the beauty parlor having my hair done. The shampoo girl had finished washing my hair & was massaging my scalp. I was really enjoying it & told her that the way I felt must be how a dog feels when it's being petted. She said that was great but if my leg started shaking she was leaving!
A woman overheard her little granddaughter playing "wedding". The wedding vows went like this:
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be held against you. You have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."
Bud & I took our three kids & my sister-in-law's three to the Grand Canyon when they were all between 6 & 10 years old. I had been there before with my family when I was about 10. I remembered laughing at my mother because she panicked when my brother wanted to spit over the edge so he could tell his friends he had spit over a mile. When we took the kids, I turned into my mother. I was overwhelmed by the immensity of it. I had to wait in the car while Bud let the kids enjoy the canyon. I was afraid to let them get even 50 feet from the edge!
"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know--I buy a new outfit & it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes if I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
I bought two kitchen chairs from Overstock.com. They were the “retro” diner style, with bent aluminum legs & red vinyl seats. They came unassembled. The following is a review that I sent to Overstock: “The chairs arrived quickly and are very comfortable. Assembly was relatively easy IF you followed the pictures. The written instructions were as follows (& this is a direct quote): Assembly way to request attention: all screws don’t first lock to tighten, until back cushion to lock tight after that, this chair all screws lock to tighten, then success.” For some strange reason, my husband had difficulty following the instructions, although I read them to him very slowly & enunciated carefully.
Many years ago (I think it was in the 1800s), the people of Mexico had an uprising that was much like the Boston Tea Party in this country. The Mexicans were tired of the colonial attitude of Spain and were equally tired of Spain sending condiments to Mexico without there being any need for them. Things came to a boil and the Mexican people (taking the lead from the American’s Boston Tea Party) had enough. One night, a group of Mexican separatists broke into the Spanish-held food warehouses and removed all the salad dressing that had been forced upon them. Using the cover or darkness, they proceeded to load all this booty onto a sailing ship and set sail for the middle of the Gulf of Mexico, with a smaller ship in tow. Reaching the middle of the Gulf, the larger ship was scuttled and the joyous Mexicans sailed back to Mexico. This is what started the war between Mexico and Spain and, ultimately, resulted in Mexico’s independence! This act of bravery and patriotism is still celebrated today. ... It is more commonly known as ... Sinko the Mayo.
Some stupid cartoons should fit in just fine here:
I did this once, but I didn't break a window:
Neither fish nor fowl--but chimpanzee: