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Monday, May 13, 2013

I DON'T UNDERSTAND...


Somehow, Blogger screwed up.  Only some of you were able to read this post Wednesday so I deleted it & am running it again today.  If it works, you get two posts for the price of one today!!  It didn't run on Friday, either, so I'm now trying for Monday!!



I have to admit there are many things I just don't understand.  Among them are:


How can a 2 pound box of candy make you gain 5 pounds?  Why, after hanging in your closet for a year, do clothes shrink 2 sizes?  Why do some women get all excited about nothing--& then marry him?  If all the world's a stage, where is the audience sitting?  Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a pool?  If God dropped acid, would he see people?  And if work is so great, how come they have to pay you to do it?

I'm far from the only one who's a bit confused.  Look at these guys:

A "Life & Career" coach met with a prospective client one day & asked him what he wanted to get out of their sessions.
"Clarity," the client said very firmly.
"And on what issues are you looking for clarity?" the coach asked.
"Well," he said in a less confident tone, "I'm not sure."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a trial had been going on for some time, the defendant stood up & approached the judge's bench.  "Your Honor," he said, "I'd like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."
The judge angrily banged his gavel on the desk.  "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place & save this court a lot of time & inconvenience?" he demanded.
The defendant looked up wide-eyed & stated, "To tell you the truth, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's possible there was some confusion in these excerpts of letters to the Welfare Department--there was certainly some confusion while reading them:

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on another sheet of paper. 

I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy. 

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why? 

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. 

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it? 

Please find out if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows. 

I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs.  I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate & my 3 children, one of which you can see is a mistake.

I want money as quick as I can get it.  I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks & he doesn't do me any good.  If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.






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I stopped fighting my inner demons.  We're on the same side now----fishducky





SOMETHING'S FISHY HERE--OR FOWL!




I think it would be very boring to be a fish--especially in a goldfish bowl.  I mean, even if someone turns on the TV, there would only be a couple of shows they'd be interested in watching--"Name That Tuna" & "Whale of Fortune".  If someone happened to leave the newspaper nearby, open to the kelp wanted ads, how many jobs would they be qualified for?  It takes years of med school to become a sturgeon, so that's out.  I guess they could become a piano tuna or sell herring aids.  Below is a chart which should make it easy to recognize the mood of your fish:






Then there are the fish who live in the ocean.  I assume they can read because they have been in schools all their lives, but how many times can you pick up "One Fish, Two Fish" or even "The Old Man and the Sea" & stay interested?  Do they ever get seasick? Can they tell each other apart?  Do they ever want to wear something kinky or have a fin pierced, just for kicks?  Don't they ever get tired of eating nothing but seafood?  We know they get depressed--Charlie Tuna has had a death wish for years!

Did you know that mudskippers & certain types of catfish can live on land for extended periods of time?  Do you suppose they have to wait an hour after eating before they can do that without getting cramps?

(Ed. note) I'm not recommending this for you--except in extreme cases--but some species of fish eat their young.  Picture this: A female guppy gives birth. Her husband is swimming nearby, watching & says, "Look, Martha, it's a girl," SLURP, "Yum!"

Some stupid easy riddles:

Where do you find a crab with no legs?
          ---Exactly where you left it.
What do you get if you cross a whale with a computer?
          ---A four ton know it all.
What should you do if you find a shark in your bed?
          ---Sleep somewhere else.
What do you give a seasick whale?
          ---Lots of room!

What about birds--do they ever get depressed?  I don't think I would if I could fly wherever I wanted & shit on anybody's head I felt like & get away with it every time!
Males have such beautiful plumage & yet they fight for the right to mate with a mousy looking female. I guess it's the same with humans, except for the plumage.

Did you know I can do bird calls?  Here's one that works for any species.  Say you see a particular bird & want to have him come closer to you.  Do not move--that will startle him. Simply open your mouth & say, "Hey, bird!"





How's this for a great segue between
fish & fowl?



Birds have better songs than fish:


                               

A really smart bird (a rerun):

If you haven't gotten my book yet, don't worry--
you can click  HERE to buy it on Amazon
or HERE on Goodreads.




Something you'll never hear a fish or a bird say:
"I woke up this morning to the smell of fresh hot coffee, bacon sizzling on the grill & pancakes being made.  DAMMIT!!  I fell asleep at the IHOP again!"----fishducky