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Friday, June 7, 2013

GOD'S HUMOR BOOK--THE OLD TESTAMENT


My cousin Joann, who, like me, is Jewish, sent her young son to a Christian school.  One day she asked him what he had learned in school that day.  He told her he learned a song about cheese.  She asked him the name of the song & he told her, “Four Cheeses Loves Me”.  (It was "For Jesus Loves ME".)  Apparently, you have to speak VERY distinctly to young children! 

It's the yahrtzeit (anniversary) of Herman Mendelbaum's death and his widow decides to make a pilgrimage to the cemetery to recite a prayer over his grave and place a small stone, as is the tradition, to show that the deceased is remembered. She arrives at the cemetery, but it being a while since she had been there, she is confused and cannot find poor Herman's grave site. Finally, she comes across a grounds-keeper who escorts her to a small chapel on the cemetery grounds where the records are kept. Pouring over large maps and lists, he finally turns to the widow and says, "I can find no record of a Herman Mendelbaum buried here. The closest I can find is a Sadie Mendelbaum." "That's him!" she exclaims. "He always put everything in my name."

An old Jewish beggar was out on the street, begging with his tin cup. A man passed by and the beggar said to the man, "Sir, could you spare 10 cents for a cup of coffee?"  The man said, "Where do get coffee for 10 cents?" The beggar said, "Who buys retail?"


The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff. "It's my direct line to the Lord." The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right.  The charges were 100,000 Lira" ($56). The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over the payment. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers, he sees a phone identical to his and learns it is also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. Of course, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents and looks at the phone counter. Shekel 50 ($0.42). The Pope looks surprised, "Why so cheap?" The Rabbi smiles, "Local call."

A catholic priest and a rabbi find themselves sitting next to each other on a long journey, and so after some hesitation start to talk to each other. After discussing the weather and sports, the priest turns to the rabbi and says that he thought it was rather strange that he was not allowed to eat pork, and asked him whether he ever had. The rabbi replied, "Well, when I was a small boy, I did in fact taste a small piece of bacon." "What was it like?" asked the priest. The rabbi replied: "Not nearly as good as sex!"

A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?" "Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian." "What did you do?" asked the father. "I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.  "And what did He say?" pressed the father. "God said, 'Funny you should come to Me...' "

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on the Sabbath." The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" He goes to a minister--a married man, experienced--for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority--a man of thousands of year's tradition and knowledge--a Rabbi. The Rabbi immediately answers, "My son, sex is definitely play."  The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

Most jokes from comedyzone.com

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And because I'm not prejudiced--the next post is the New Testament----fishducky