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Monday, June 24, 2013

PUMPING RUST--AN EXERCISE GUIDE FOR SENIORS




I joined a health club last year, spent about 250 bucks.  Haven't lost a pound.  I didn't realize you actually you have to go there!  Their brochure had some interesting ideas for "those of a certain age" who are thinking of exercising to improve their health.  Here they are, along with a few ideas of my own:

I came across this exercise to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems easy, so I thought I'd pass it on. The article said to do it three days a week.  Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.  With a 5 lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.  After a couple of weeks, move up to 10 lb. potato sacks. Then 50 lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.  After a month or so at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Water exercise for seniors--sit in the tub, pull the plug, and fight the current.

Forget health food--at our age, we need all the preservatives we can get.

Insanity is a very good means of relaxation.

Women over 50 should not have babies for 2 reasons. First, their stomach muscles are no longer strong enough to recover from childbirth & second, they would be likely to put the babies down somewhere and forget where they left them.

If you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster, see your doctor before starting an exercise program.

Need an incentive to do sit-ups? Put a candy bar between your knees.

If you decide to get a facelift, put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." Caution: Leave air holes.

The first machine the health club may put you on is the respirator.

Ripping the wrapper off a Hershey Bar is NOT considered exercise.

Long walks can be enjoyable, especially when they're taken by people who annoy you.

Get into heavy lifting--carry your lunch to work.

Running after the Good Humor truck is not adequate aerobic exercise.

If you are going to try cross-country running, start with a small country.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, "Well, she looks good, doesn't she?"


Do not expect results too quickly.  See what their clients have to say:

"I joined an aerobics class for overweight men. We meet in the church basement. Well, actually, we were on the first floor when we started last week."

"I felt like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over."

"I know exercise is good for you. My wife's tongue has never been sick a day in her life. Unfortunately, she was forced to quit her aerobics class because she broke a toe. Fortunately, it wasn't hers."


The health club was very helpful.  They also included some love making tips for seniors:

Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle of the session.

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

Use extra Polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

And, most important--have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.








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 I finally got my head together and my body fell apart----fishducky